I've been following this thread & the insight I have been allowed through the grace of god. Being led to a forum that touches home for me right now. I've been lurking for a while b/c lately I haven't felt like I belong here anymore...(long story) But, I'm thankful that I'm here.

Does it really work? Going out to a outdoor atmosphere, quiet and alone..fasting and praying & being revealed to god? I've never tried that. I've been a christian since I was 13 and I'm 23 now. I just know I could use some insight..the good lords direction..blessings...a clear mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Flygirl,
I think many of us have made mistakes based on what we learned in our FOOs (family of origin). My goal is to raise my emotional intelligence level, and to raise emotionally healthy children.
I don't think I could have done either staying in my M. I am doing all I can to help my children grow emotionally, but it is a foreign land in some ways.
I can only pray that X is growing emotionally.
MB has helped in this area, as have many other references.

And HF, you need to contact your fellow MBers when you are in our area. I was in the city yesterday. You could perhaps be flying the planes on which I travel.

newly,

Your sig sounds much like my situation. I hurt for me, I HURT for my H. I know he is in pain, and cannot consciously feel or express it. How difficult that must be for him! My failed attempts at communicating over the years with someone who doesn't know how, and didn't really care to learn (until now) have made me a poor communicator too. It has rubbed off and I no longer like the person I am... ESPECIALLY when I am with him. That's the worst part for me. I think even alone, I could be a much more content, much more at peace, much happier person. But we are so enmeshed, our lives. How painful will it be to unmesh? How painful for our kids. I feel like my feet are stuck in quicksand. The inner voice is speaking again, and I have my finger in my ears saying "no... no... this cannot be happening to me! How could have I gotten here?!? Please just everything be alright!!!!"

The day alone... great idea. I'll mull it over. It's so hard for me, with the kids, and my job and all that goes with that. But I'll think about it.

I know I am much happier alone. This is not what I wanted in life.
I now believe that my X, as well as many others, changed his behavior before marriage while dating. He was more outgoing, more communicative. And it wasn't his comfort zone. I think this happens alot, people try to be something they are not, and they feel internally that they can't continue to maintain this falsehood. So they go back to their comfort zone.

I really didn't realize how poor our communication was in our M. It's so evident now. He can't even answer basic questions regarding the children.

We tried MC, after the split, but it didn't really work. I now recall how many times I asked him to go and he refused. I can only hope x will become a better communicator for the sake of the children. He's a much better father to them now than he was when we were married. Still not the father I wanted for them (or the father he led to believe he would be), but he's far improved.
The children, young as they are, pick up the differences in our households, and understand what each parent is capable of doing, or not doing. Children are perceptive.

Good Luck.

Flygirl, could you try an MB seminar with your H? As a quick way to see if you can find some way to build your love banks? It's such an intensive program, that I'd love to believe it would make a difference. My X refused to attend an MB seminar early in our separation. I think it would have really helped me understand alot about our situation - but I truly believe it would not have helped our M.

We could try one, but I believe my heart has filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy now. We have been in MC and IC for 15 months, and are still where we started. And now, my heart has been broken too many times for me to GENUINELY risk it again with him. There are selfish things he did from day 1, that I have talked about throughout our relationship -- and still does today. Every time I tell him how much they hurt me, he just looks away - no apologies, no explanations, no nothing. He has been alone - within himself or with someone else - for so long that he his (as he says) completely self-centered and makes no moves to change that. He needs me, but not in a soulmate kind of way. He doesn't really NEED that, or want that. He wants me to be all the things I am - mother, nurse, cook, maid, taxi, entertainment hostess, pleasant company, sex outlet.

Do you know that I can't get my H to ask me to "make love" to him? He has never, at my request or otherwise, said these words to me - ever. He won't even ask me to f*** him. He is uncomfortable with any kind of intimate language, actions. He doesn't care or take care about himself at all. He doesn't care about being attractive to me. He doesn't care about how he looks to anyone. None of this is even remotely a priority to him... even though I have told him it is important to me and for us.

Oh, there are so many reasons we are here. And I did my part to get us here (closed off, quit trying, had the A). The thing is, if there were a SPECK - a GRAIN of hope, faith, whatever in my heart, in my head for us I would act on it. I would take that little blip and do whatever I could to magnify it so that I could turn this thing around. But I am out of gas, and out of love. I don't want to be, but I am... and I think it has been this way for a long long time.

I am not the kind of person who thought I could/would ever have an A. I have been monogamous my ENTIRE LIFE. In 14 years of marginally happy marriage, I never even looked at another man, not even in fantasy. The only conclusion that I can come to is that in my heart I knew it was over, maybe I was subconsciously trying to sabotage my M, give my H a reason to ask to get out. I dunno. He hardly reacted to my A, and as I said before forgave me in two days and has never mentioned it again. That hurts almost as much as anything else, but he is completely devoid of passion.

I want to be with somebody - to go to the grave with somebody - who can love me with a passion, and show it, and make me feel it, and me feel them.

I can relate to your first paragraph. I felt like a single parent in a marriage, with 2 young children and a teenaged boy (X).

Perhaps your affair was an "exit" affair. That is, a way to get out of your M, without actually saying it. It's quite common I hear.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> Flygirl,
I think many of us have made mistakes based on what we learned in our FOOs (family of origin). My goal is to raise my emotional intelligence level, and to raise emotionally healthy children.
I don't think I could have done either staying in my M. I am doing all I can to help my children grow emotionally, but it is a foreign land in some ways.
I can only pray that X is growing emotionally.
MB has helped in this area, as have many other references.

And HF, you need to contact your fellow MBers when you are in our area. I was in the city yesterday. You could perhaps be flying the planes on which I travel. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Newly. Well, my schedule is so fluid, it is hard to know when I'm going to be where. I do fly the east coast alot. Next week is Boston & Richmond primarily.

God bless,
High Flight