</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> PS= I am NOT going to see him anymore or talk to him only when he gets in touch with me. I CANNOT do anything right when I see him, I'm just like a marshmellow, and I say everything wrong, so I can't see him................at all </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This can be hard but you must stick to it. Be strong!!!!

And please go see a lawyer. It sounds to me that he is going to miss lead you into an un fair settlement.

DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING WITHOUT LEAGAL ADVICE.

Of course he wants to sell the house. Then you both need to change your life style to suite your split income. I say sell only under legal advice as part of a legal settlement!!!!

I also feel that going to a lawyer and learning more of your rights will help you to be stronger when dealing with him. You will be able to see for yourself if he is trying to mislead you.

Imagine the look on his face when he tells you something that you don't agree with and you say"I'll run it by my layer and get back to you"

WIWH

Wish is correct. You need a lawyer. And don’t put anything in writing.
Lefty, I’m glad you have made a decision not to speak with him any more. I know this is going to be really hard for you. However, it would be harder if you still had contact while he was going back to OW.

I believe it’s time to let your h. reap what he has sown. After all, you want him to be happy. You want him to find his happiness. Let him try. Most WSs find that the affair doesn’t make them happy once it’s out in the open. The exceptions probably are the ones who never cared for OP any way and were just using it as a way to ease the pain of leaving. The old Exit Affair.

So… Let him find out the grass is not greener, softer or less maintenance, just a different variety. And while he’s finding that out, you can rediscover yourself.

One of the dirty little secrets about being separated is that it gives you a lot of freedom. You can do whatever you like within reason. No more POJA. No more putting on a happy face. You can be selfish again. Hooray.

My daughter is in an uncomfortable position. She helps him with the lawns and side jobs now. Yesterday, she stopped by my mom/s house to give him something. His truck was there, but she went inside and he wasn't there. So we both a assuming that he had the O/W pick him up. She was mad to see that he wasn't there and his truck was. He is a lier. And she is mad that he is lying to her also, not just me. He is playing mind games with all of us. The only thing, he is living rent free in my moms house now, he did give me money this month, but I had told him if he doesn't intend to come back to me, he can't stay at my moms and he has yet to get out. He is fixing up things at her house too. After seeing that he wasn't home last night, I feel like telling him to leave. But then I might be putting the money I as getting from him at risk to getting it if he has to pay it out elsewhere. Should I leave well enough alone????????? Should I still wait for him to initiate divorce papers and lay low for awhile?????? I am going this week to a few lawyers for consults about my rights and all and what I should do in the meantime..... But I can't believe he is still seeing her, in my mind he sort of had me convinced that I am imagining things about him still seeing her and that was the reason I pushed him out again. He is playing with my mind.....And I'm being a pushover.......Opinions on my questions.....Thanks

Lefty, there's a great book called Women Who Run with the Wolves. In it there is a section on instict and how we need to trust our instincts. They keep us out of danger. Your instinct told you he was still with OW. Unless you suffer from paranoia or another mental illenss, trust yourself FIRST.

Do you have power of attorney for your mother? If you don't, you might as well save your energy and let your h live there. Personally, I'd have a hard time with a person who could live with his MIL while cheating on his wife. Bizarre. Shows a huge lack of empathy, pride and dignity. And it makes him look helpless.

Don't do or say anything to him from now on. Write a Plan B letter if you want. But that's it. No calls, no notes, letters or anything else.

Have you hired an attorney yet? Have you filed for support? Have you opened a bank account in your name alone?

At this point, your answers should all be yes. If they're not, make a plan to do one each day. The most important is probably the bank account.

Ask a good friend to go with you if you want moral support.

And then, Lefty, you may want to contact your local YWCA if you have one. Their mission is to serve women and children. Today's YWCA is a great place to learn new survival skills, like how to file for spousal support when you haven't filed for divorce.

I know you don't want to put your daughter in the middle any more than necessary. So a support group will be helpful.

And remember, trust yourself first. No one is going to care quite so much about you as you do. No one else will be able to help you as much as you can.

You've accomplished a lot. You are strong. Don't be afraid to stand on your own two feet.

Lefty,

You are in a horrible situation while trying to figure out what to do. I haven't seen all your posts so I don't really know the history, so I could be flying blind here. I would #1, of course, find out what my rights are. If he has filed you will know it in due time. (It just happened to me, so believe me, it is true.) You also should try not to focus so much on what he is going to do next...you can't know or forsee that, nor can you control it. The only way - if you want him to come back - that he will come back is if HE wants to. And, unfortunately, even though you must feel like crap and are very hurt, he won't find you very attractive if you appear to be helpless and fearful. I don't really like the Woman Survivor thing, it sound like a dumb ol Helen Reddy song and is a total cop out...since when do we have to be warriors just to be respected...I was a single mom for 10 years and while I consider myself a survivor, it sure as heck wasn't fun nor am I very excited about repeating it. Remember: change the things you can, accept the things you cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. And, ask yourself, do you really WANT him back? Don't hire a lawyer yet, but get advice pronto so you will know what to do if you get served. Good luck.

I have one great problem. I'm obsessed with finding out if he is still going with the O/W. I wake up in the early am to see if his truck is there. But I'm not solving anything, just seeing a truck and he might not even be in there. Is this normal for me wanting to know for sure whether he never was away from her each time he came home?????? Will it set closure in my mind that I was right all along and he was playing with my mind???????? Like a jerk I believed him when he said he was staying in just a room when he stayed at her house, and all the while he was in her bed...... He always makes it sound like he is just getting away from me to get a rest from me...He seems to always put the blame on me as to his leaving......But it is bothering me as to whether he is still going with her...Has anyone ever gone through this wondering to the point of almost hiring an investigator??? If they were cheaper, I would have gotten one already. The only thing it would solve is closure in my mind as me being right, and not imagining things like he says I am...... Thanks for letting me vent.......I feel so lost sometimes and I am having a hard time getting over him and letting him go..........I think its the 35 yr. marriage bit, rather than the wanting him back for him bit. He was never a companion to me all this time, so I don't even know why I would even want him back..........Maybe I am nuts...........But this week is lawyer week and today I am talking to a lady who has recently been divorced after 40 yrs., so maybe she can help me in the lines of how divorce procedure goes in our state........Then I'll be ready if he serves me papers......

Good girl, Lefty!

Stop wondering if he's with OW. He is.
Try not to obsess. Tell you what, give yourself today to finish obsessing. Starting tomorrow, whenever you think of him at all, force yourself to think of something else. My 8-year old uses this technique only she thinks about food. I'm a little worried about that one!

I started rereading Shakespeare when I moved out. It took concentration and I wasn't going to run into a lot of sentimental love stuff that would make me lonely for what I didn't have.

And, Topaz, Lefty does need to hire a lawyer. She's already gotten info. but she needs to protect her assets. For example, in some states the amount she's accepting from him now may be used as basis for her alimony payments. His lawyer will certainly argue that side. She needs someone working on her behalf now.

And Lefty's story has been pretty much the same, with no real improvement.

Well I did it today. Don't know whether I did damage or something good. I went by my mom's house where my husband is staying and who was coming out of the next road but the O/W. She just must have dropped him off after staying over her house. Her house was all lit up that's why I know something was happening. I followed her, she wasn't sure it was me and tried to go up another block but I got her going into her garage and gave her a piece of my mind. I know that was wrong but I couldn't help it. Sneaking around, keeping him there all night and bringing him back to my mom's house in the am. Why doesn't he just go there again like before. I am ashamed of what I told her, the words I used, I cannot believe I did that. And then she said "But I love him." I said " if you love him you would let him go to his family and get out of his life." She's a lonely old lady with charm and a shape, all she wants is a man for her lonliness and a man for her sex. I went over my mom's house and confronted my husband too. Boy, he is so mixed up. Now I'll see if he stays at my moms house now that I know. I told him to PLEASE make sure he knows what his is doing before he give up OUR life together..........I just hope I didn't push him toward her now..........But, now if he doesn't want me , I know that my instincts were right about him seeing her. It is like an obsession with him.............I still can't believe it, I must be getting better at this, I took my blood pressure and it s normal..Wow......that is great...........Thanks for letting me vent at this hour......He did say to keep this to myself that I will only push him away if I tell our kids...........Boy, he wants everything doesn't he...........

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Lefty, Of course your instincts were right!

Sweetie, you must discipline yourself to stay away from your h and the OW. And she is not keeping him from you. I heard no mention of handcuffs. He is staying away because he wants to stay away. And you are making it easy for him to keep staying away.

Here’s an idea that just popped into my head. Chris, I am counting on you to point out all the weaknesses in my idea.

What if you wrote a nice letter to your husband.

Dear H,

I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I would be happiest if you were happy married to me and I’m willing to do whatever it would take to make that happen.

However, if your happiness is dependent on OW, you are free to leave. I want your happiness as much as I want my own.

Our children are grown and I will be fine with half the assets and the alimony.

Naturally, I hope you will chose happiness with me. If you don’t, I will wait as long as I can in hopes you might change your mind. But life is short at any age, and eventually, I’ll stop waiting.

Wishing you all possible joy and happiness in this life and the next,

Lefty.


So, what about that? An act of pure selflessness. Well, almost. And while you are waiting for his answer… NO CONTACT! NONE. That counts OW too.

You may want to identify what’s getting in your way of No Contact. The No Contact is important for you and well as for the possibility of restoring your marriage.

That sounds like a wonderful letter to my husband. How do I find the guts to write it and give it to him......I'm having such a hard time letting go I think I'm going nuts. Some days I'm so strong say let him go, other days I'm so needy as someone put it. I know I will get along without him. And I can't imagine why I'm wanting to hang on now after seeing what he is doing.......I'm a real jerk.......Is my self esteem that low that I practically want to beg him to come home and put me through more of this torture of wondering what and where he is....... I better wake up and see the light soon. And your right, HE is the one doing this, not her, I am so wrapped up in her that I forget that she will be a victim too if he so decides to come back home. I went to the lawyers today and got info. Makes me feel even worse seeing 35 yrs. of savings for US cut right in half. One thing there is in favor of thinking maybe he is not sure, he is still in my moms house and hasn't gone over to hers like before, unless she is saying not until I see a divorce started.....I do too much thinking, it is driving me insane......Thanks for listening....I know I must drive you all crazy......I'm having a very hard time with this......

I feel for you lefty, I really do. I can see you are in a sad and desperate place. But the things you are doing are only making it worse, not better. If you really want to save your marriage, please listen to some of the good advice youhave been given.

Your husband is not a little boy who you can order what to do. Nor is he innocently being dragged into this affair by this OW. He unfortunately, and (hard as it is to bear accepting this) is in the affair by his own free will.

Your best chance of restoring your marriage rests not in dragging your husband back kicking and screaming to your home. He would then be there as a captive, rather than through a conscious choice made out of his love for you. Then you would need to continue the same sort of checking and control that you tried when he came home last time and as you have already witnessed, it just can't work if he is not ready to be there.

Your best chance rests in you. Show yourself and him what you can be when you are the best Lefty you can be. Work on that. Work on gaining some self esteem and pride. Work on making your life fulfilling to you so that you are less dependant on your husband for every bit of your happiness.

You are probably beginning to understand how hard it is for your husband to give up and stop contact with his OW. Think of how hard it is for you that your hisband is not there. Think of the irrational and panicky things you are thinking and doing. Like it or not, this is similar to how it feel for your husband avoiding contact with OW. Remember that if he does decide to give your marriage another shot some time in the future. Maybe then you will be in a better position to reach out to him in a supportive way, rather than in a controlling and punitive manner.

Truly Lefty, wouldn't you rather have a husband who chooses to be there with you. Would you really want him if he is there only because you are forcing him to be.

The only way for him to ever have a chance to think about it and choose you, is for you to give him a chance to miss you and show him what a fine lady you really are, while he thinks he might just lose you if he continues to disrespect you and your marriage.

I say this only to try and help you Lefty. I have been where you are. I am now 2 1/2 years into recovery. It can be done.

The one thing you said that might help if you can really adopt this attitude was that maybe you don't want the marriage anymore.

If you can reach a place where you are willing to risk that you might just lose the marriage, but that you Lefty will still be OK, then maybe you will relax a little and be able to work a plan that just might sow the seed to regain his love.

Hugs C&S

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: confused&scared ]</small>

I saw a lawyer yesterday and if we both agree on distribution of assets, it can be uncontested. So I told him that, and if he ever serves me papers, we can never go the uncontested route. Its much cheaper, on $2300.00 when both parties agree. So I showed him what would be required and said are you sure you want to do this. He said " not right now." So he is NOT sure of what he is doing. That I saw. But it is very hurtful him telling me that he doesn't love me right now, that's because I found the O/W dropping him off at my mom's house after all night with her and we had words about his sneaking around yet. So I have decided, as long as he said he is keeping things the same now, and he is paying the bills, I have to buckle down and try and stay away from him. Although the counselor says we could see each other every 2 weeks or so for breakfast or a dinner. I go there today, I will ask. It just hurts me to hear him say " do what you want, don't wait for me, if I come back ok , if I don't and decide to not come back, I want you to do what you have to do in the meantime." In other words, he wants to live a single life of fun right now with no interferance from a wife. I think that is so cruel to even say to me and it makes me wonder why i would even want him back... He cold and uncaring. I don't know how a man with that kind of response ever change to a trustworthy individual.....He can't be in a fog for a yr. and a half already with this woman. But I'm really tempted to go for a divorce myself right now because of his cruel attitude, although he IS being honest with me about what he wants. I told him I think its about time we tell his relatives about us. He was going to tell them we had a fight and I told him to leave.. I told him to tell them the truth, so we will see if he does.....Thanks for letting me vent again and your thought also on my situation. Believe me, I do listen to what all are saying, I am just having a very hard time putting it into action....

And your right, HE is the one doing this, not her, I am so wrapped up in her that I forget that she will be a victim too if he so decides to come back home.
How in the world do you figure she will be, "a victim too"?
And why does it matter?

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Because I am the victim of his infidelities and she will be the victim of all his lies also.. And, no, I don't care, it's just that with all his games he is playing, he is hurting so many people, including a lover.......To me, she should get all that is coming to her for messing with a married man......

To me, she should get all that is coming to her for messing with a married man......
That is my point exactly. She knows exactly what is going on.
She is NOT a victim any more than a person who robs a bank and gets shot.

I can't get them out of my mind.....Will I ever be able to go on and enjoy my life??????? Bad day today. Thanks for listening...

What are your plans for the weekend (do not mention your h or ow in the reply).
And if you have nothing planned, then plan something and let us know.

This holiday and June 8 would be our 36th Anniversary. Of course, he said we will not celebrate it since he is not with me. It's a very hard time for me for the holidays and then for the Anniversary. I don't know what I'm doing as yet. Maybe a ride to the beach where our condo is would be something to do. Maybe I'll go on the gambling boat and spend some money while I still can. I think that's what I regret most of all. Saving and skimping for 35 yrs. to live well now, and this happens. I'm very bitter about that. The thought of cutting everything in 1/2 makes me sick to my stomach. And after I approached him and told him what I thought of him when I caught the O/W dropping him off at 5 am at my moms house after being with her all night, he had the nerve to say as I was pulling out of the driveway " make sure you keep this to yourself." In other words don't tell my daughter and son that he is back with the O/W........Should I tell them that he is back seeing her????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It just hurts me to hear him say " do what you want, don't wait for me, if I come back ok , if I don't and decide to not come back, I want you to do what you have to do in the meantime. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lefty your story and mine are so similiar...your husband sounds like a conflict avoider...just like mine..as long as you allow him to have contact with your and be with OW he will fence sit forever...I too had a confrontation with OW and unfortunately these women do not care who they hurt in the process...I have decided to stand up for myself and stop this abuse...you need to do the same for your sanity...have no contact with your WS..everytime he says such hurtful words to you..it brings your self esteem down another knotch...you have to get strong and show him that you are important and not take second best...you cannot control his actions...let him go and concentrate on you...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In other words, he wants to live a single life of fun right now with no interferance from a wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WS is doing the same thing..they think of no-one but themselves at this time and again you can try to reason with them about what they are about to lose ... until they get it you are just wasting your breathe...what you need to do is show him you are strong and will not take his abuse any longer...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He can't be in a fog for a yr. and a half already with this woman. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mine still is hon and I now see as long as I let him have his cake and eat it too this type of behavior would go on as long as I let it...that is why I am now finally filing for legal separation...enough is enough...

You have to do what you think is right for your situation but I exposed the A to everyone...WS still keeps OW hidden and she accept this...how long this will go on time will tell...my advise is to expose ...he will get angry but in my case was the correct thing to do...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This holiday and June 8 would be our 36th Anniversary. Of course, he said we will not celebrate it since he is not with me. It's a very hard time for me for the holidays and then for the Anniversary. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how you feel...Jan 19th was my 30th anniversary and also my Birthday and I spent it without WS..it was hard but you have to try to think of it as just another day to get through it...see the selfishness in his actions lefty...you have to get strong and stand up for yourself...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thought of cutting everything in 1/2 makes me sick to my stomach. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what sounds like you and I are in the same situation financially...I have a winter vacation home as well and yep after 30 years of marriage and all the hard work to get to where we are now ..to just throw it down the tubes is painful...but again you have to look out for yourself Lefty...I have been doing this for almost a year now.. everytime I start legal proceedings WS tries to reconcile and I think of my family with the hopes of putting it back together...then I get kicked in the gut with the discovery that Ws was still seeing OW...I liken this to a dog...they will only take getting kicked in the gut for so long until they get up and leave and say enough is enough...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> make sure you keep this to yourself." In other words don't tell my daughter and son that he is back with the O/W </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO..I would let everyone know what he is doing...he should be exposed..your should not be the martyr here hon...please get strong for yourself and your children lefty...set the example for them that you are the mother they respect ....this is what I realized I had to do...take care and I will be thinking of you...