Something has me puzzled. My daughter saw my husband's truck at my mom's where he is staying. But she called there and he is NOT there. Since I know that he is seeing the O/W and actually saw her dropping him off in the am so I would think he is there if I passed, why is he still putting on this cherade of picking him up and dropping him off. Unless she doesn't want her neighbors to know she is back with him......Realy weird... I would have liked him to have been there though. Today was an awful day for me, knowing he was spending it with someone else.........I can't believe so many people live through these awful times..........Its like a nightmere to me but when I wake up its still there..........

OK Chris - Today I made arrangements to go away for 2 weeks to visit my in-laws. Away from everyone. I think I need a rest and to get away from here for awhile. My mom will be ok. She is not thrilled at me going, but I told her I have to do this for ME.......Hopefully the relatives will know about us by then. I'm not even going to let my husband know I am going.....If he calls up there to talk to his brother he will find out, and then we will see if he tells him about us......Today I am just laying low. None of us got together for any cook-out......Sad it has to be this way.......

What are your plans for the weekend (do not mention your h or ow in the reply).

OK Chris
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You will not mention your h or the ow, correct?

Hopefully the relatives will know about us by then. I'm not even going to let my husband know I am going.....If he calls up there to talk to his brother he will find out, and then we will see if he tells him about us.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sorry - I'm in a bad way today. Depressed would be the word. None of my kids had a cook-out or anything or even invited us over. So I put on hambergers and hot dogs just for my mom and me. So, today was a tear driven day. I passed by my moms house where he is staying, his truck is there and he is NOT there. Why doesn't he just go with her instead of having her pick him up and leaving the truck there as if he is inside. That is bothering me, especially since he is in my moms house. I told him to stay there and think about us, but now that I know he is still seeing her, it seems warped that he is staying there. He is doing work inside that has to be done, but does that warrent him staying there rent free and yet, sleeping over her house, and then her driving him back in the am. Sick, sick, sick. But what should I do. Tell him to leave???? My daughter said at least he is still there and not in HER house permanently. But is he still there. If he is sleeping over her house at night and coming back in the am, he truly isn't in my moms house only for appearance sake it seems......What is your opinions on this. I'm really upset today, I haven't cried liked this in months. When will I get on with it and just leave him be and not wonder what he is doing.....Sometimes I think I'm the one that is warped by not being able to let go............

Not warped, Lefty, just stuck. There’s a difference. You’re trying to squeeze through this hole and you’re a slightly different shape, so you need to rearrange yourself just a little and then you’ll breeze through.

I think we all agree that the only person we care about right now is you. So how is it good for Lefty that her h. is living in her mother’s house? Your daughter’s answer doesn’t cut it. You could say it saves you embarrassment, but I guess most of your friends already know.

If it isn’t working for you, and it doesn’t seem to be, than you request it to stop. You are in charge of your own fate. You are in charge of you.

I know what you mean about cookouts. The way to handle this is to invite a whole bunch of people over even if it’s at the last minute. Most may not be able to come, but some will. And then, you’ll be having a party with the people you wanted to invite.

Let’s start planning the 4th of July now, okay?

(I know you only take my advice after I’ve posted it ten times. So, I’m starting early.)

Now, I’m going to weave a magic spell and your vehicle will no longer drive past anywhere your husband’s truck is supposed to be, your mother’s house, or the OW’s house. Should you try to drive those routes, your car will spontaneously turn around and go a different way. Try it too many times, and the car may start talking. Or stop dead in it’s tracks.

Self-flagellation when out centuries ago. Give up punishing yourself by driving by.

BTW, I refuse to give up on you. You may ignore everything Chris or I ever say, you may stay stuck for years, but I won’t give up.

And sweetie, I do know it’s so hard. It’s terribly hard. So, take a breath, relax a little, be kind to yourself and let the Creator do his work. It’ll all turn out right in the end. We just don’t know exactly what “right” in your situation looks like from the Creator’s point of view. He may have other plans for you. Who knows?

I'm listening. It just doesn't sink in too quickly. I have 35 yrs. of built up co-dependency up against me. It's very hard to start thinking about myself. I did good the last couple days. I didn't pass by the houses for 2 mornings, that's a hard one, and also I didn't drive by during the day. So, it's a start. I am going up to relatives for 2 weeks, I am staying with HIS relatives. He was supposed to talk to his brother, he asked for his phone # last week, he said he was going to tell him that we had a fight and I told him to leave. I told him to tell him the TRUTH. I'm tired of his lies. Let him tell them he left me for another woman and is staying with her. Am I right in telling him to tell them the truth????????? It's been 1 1/2 yrs. I've been hiding this from his family, hoping we could get on with our lives and not have let them know, but this is the 3rd time he is out, so I feel it is time to tell them the truth. Also I told 3 people in our development that we are seperated, they asked about him, so instead of saying he is always working, I told them that they won't see him much because we are not together at this time.......It sort of felt good to say that, without lying about why he is never with me.....Thank for being there for me. I am listening. Oh, also, he came to do the lawn today and I passed him on the road and waved as my grand-daughter and I were on our way to the pool. I didn't want to be there when he came because I want to talk to him soOOOOOOOOOO bad, and I'm trying to do what you say and stay away totally when possible.........Thanks Maybe I'm getting it............

Lefty, that’s wonderful progress! I’m so proud of you.

You know what? The affair is not his secret to keep. And that’s the truth. You can and should tell his family what is going on. Do it respectfully, with control. You can say, “We’re having problems now. There was someone else in the past, and I think there is now. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to make this marriage a happy and successful one for the rest of our lives.” And if they ask questions, you can either answer or redirect them to your h.

I’m glad you’re getting away. Now, once you get there, and disclose as much of what’s going on as you want, do NOT thing of him.

Also I told 3 people in our development that we are seperated
You are not separated. Your husband is having an affair and moved out.

And is that what you would like to go around my development??????????????? Tell everyone he is having an affair and moved out?????????? Get real Chris........ We are not TOGETHER, so we are SEPARATED for now............ ............As a matter of fact, I think I just told the 2 people that he is no longer with me, I don't think I even used the word seperated, now that I am thinking of it. But the counselor used the word seperated if someone were to ask about him.......I don't feel anyone needs to know he is having an affair and moved out.........

And is that what you would like to go around my development??????????????? Tell everyone he is having an affair and moved out?
Yes.

Oh, and you did write, "I've been hiding this from his family, hoping we could get on with our lives and not have let them know, but this is the 3rd time he is out, so I feel it is time to tell them the truth."

Why isn't it time to tell everyone the truth?

Get real Chris.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

We are not TOGETHER, so we are SEPARATED
The "separation" was a mutual agreement? You told us he left and you didn't want him to. You are lying to us?
Why avoid the issues?

I don't feel anyone needs to know he is having an affair and moved out.
Why do you "feel" no one needs to know?

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong>I don't feel anyone needs to know he is having an affair and moved out......... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what is known as "exposing the A to the light of day........"

By doing this, you take the "allure" and secrecy element away from the affairees. It requires them to face the (inevitable) consequences to family and friends when people begin to find out, and begin to make the WS face up to their actions.

I think you don't want to tell folks b/c you think they will think less of you and you will be embarrassed. I could be wrong. You could be trying to prevent your H the embarrassment.

But the question is WHY?? What purpose would it serve for you to save him this embarrassment? It only allows his "secret" A to continue unimpeded.

Please rethink your position.

I guess I feel that no one needs to know because I think I WOULD feel embarassed and also maybe because he said to me " And don't go out and run your mouth to everyone about this." He said that the morning when I confronted them both sperately after she dropped him off at my mom's at 5 a.m. after spending the night with her....He is already controlling her. Whenever I have a problem, I TALK to people, even strangers........My husband never talks. He keeps saying this is between us, no one else. I guess he has that drilled into me so much, that is why I have kept this to myself so long. But I'm tired of keeping this in for the yr. and a half. My daughter works side by side with him for 3 days a week, and he says nothing about me or anything. Everything is hidden about the happenings of this yr. And he makes it like I have a big mouth when I want to tell people what is happening. He even said when he tells his brother, he was going to say we had a fight and I asked him to leave......So he is a chronic lier. Always trying to protect himself. I'm very honest, I feel, but, yes, I also think I am still trying to protect him from hurt, as I've done for 35 yrs.....But I am instilling too much hurt on myself lately, by holding it in....I am not getting anywhere it seems with my life ahead by doing this......By reading what you both have said, I do believe he should be exposed for what he is doing......Right now, he is a coward, still hiding from what he is doing with both of us. He DOES NOT WANT MY KIDS TO KNOW, I know that for sure, but they already know. I told them. They are 30 and 33 yrs. old, and I felt they should know because he had them believe that I am the culprit, not trusting him when he was being true. I wonder what he would say if one day my daughter asked him if he is still seeing that woman, since she calls him in the evenings and he NEVER answers the phone at my moms.....That bothers my daughter to no end, every time he was with this O/W, his cell phone he left on message only, and would NEVER answer when he was staying with her.........Hiding, lies,thats all he is living now and I'm obeying his wishes it seems......I'm going to think about telling everyone that he is having an affair. Maybe my self-esteem would move upward when I stop letting him control me by acting as if I am the one who is wrong......But answer this question--------Should my daughter and son let him know that they know he is back with the O/W.............Or should they just keep quiet as they are now, and avoid this issue and act as if everything is peachy cream and nothing is happening. This is a very touchy subject.....They are keeping quiet and not getting involved right now.....Should that be the way to handle this???????? Thanks---I feel better .

Lefty,

What happens if you reveal?

Who is behaving badly?

Why do you allow (in your mind) his infidelity and dishonesty to reflect badly on you?

And if you are no longer "with" him, why are you protecting him...

And more importantly, why are you protecting HER!!!! because you are, by keeping his secret, keeping her respectable in a community that might frown on a widow going after a married man.

Another thing

Harley says A's are like addictions. So if you consider your husband addicted to OW, then you have to know that addicts hate to have their secrets revealed. They threaten all sorts of nasty stuff, like divorce, etc.

But hey - he's already played that trump card. So why put forth the energy you are to protect him from hitting his bottom with all information about his creepy skulking about with OW as the cause of the separation?

But I'm tired of keeping this in for the yr. and a half. Everything is hidden about the happenings of this yr.
And you continue to hide it and show your husband that it is okay if he continues his affair.

subject.....They are keeping quiet and not getting involved right now.
So they approve of the affair?

Should that be the way to handle this????????
Only if they want the affair to continue.

Exposure is not about trying to hurt him. It is about one thing. Ending the affair.
Yes he will complain and get mad but so what? Is he happy with you now?

Lefty, your son and daughter are old enough to decide how they want to handle the situation. When you let the light of truth shine out there, they may feel more empowered to talk about the situation.

And now, kudos for seeing how he is controlling and using you. And you’re starting to get angry. I can hear it. Anger is good. Anger helps us stop being victims and take back control of our lives.

As for it being solely between you and your husband, that’s bs. There’s the OW too. The neighbors and everyone.

Yes I think I am getting angry. I am angry that he is in my mom's house partially, and he seems to be spending the evenings till morning at her house. So why is he staying at my mom's house if he wants to be with her. I can't for the life of me figure out why. He is doing some work while he is there but I think at this point knowing he is with her most of the time is upsetting me that I am allowing him to stay there free of charge. The only thing that is holding me back from telling him to leave is that I said to him " if you DON'T intend to come back to me, I want you out of her house. " So it is a ray of hope that he might come back to me, I guess, by him still being there. But I think that left the door wide open for him to have free rent and hold me on a string again as usual. I'm really confused on what to do on this one. My mind is saying , get him out of there, my heart is saying , give him an ultimatum and say, " I'm going away for 2 weeks to visit the relatives, if you haven't told your relatives about us before I get up there, I am going to , I've giving you a yr. and a half not telling them, and if you don't intend to come back with me, I want you out of my mom's house by the time I get back." I would love to say that. But I don't know if I would be doing wrong. At this point I feel everyone is against me. My son and daughter don't say a darn thing to him in regard to him seeing the O/W. They still need him and they don't want to get him mad at them , I guess. That's so unfair to me. Is life fair. It seems like good guys finish last anymore......Oh well, I said enough. Its just gone on so long already........But yes, I am getting angry over something, and I feel its housing him free while he enjoys her......

You're housing him emotionally too, Lefty.

He's using the hope you have that he might return to live his life of ... whatever it is he's living.

Just tell him "It's not working for me. You have to leave my mom's house."

Don't wait for him to tell his family. You tell them.

No ultimatiums. The time is past. Now, it's simply a choice, you or her. So far, Lefty, it looks like he's choosing her, so you've got to be prepared.

However, he doesn't really seem committed to her. And once he's had the chance to fully enjoy her, he just may come crawling back to you.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm tired.

One girl I talk to said what he is suggesting to me now, "don't worry about me, just go out and have fun too," means that we are in an open marriage at this point. That is what he is telling me he wants.. She said he is probably "swinging" with this lady and other couples and enjoying himself.... I said I wonder if I suggested he come home and have an open marriage would that be what he wants, she said he would probably say yes.........Do you think that is why he is bobbing back and forth with me and this lady?????????? Should I actually ask that of him?????? I saw him yesterday and he did say he DOES want to come home, but he cannot answer the WHEN part.....It is just like the other 2 times......A waiting game..........Do you think my girlfriend is right and should I confront him with this?????????

OK, lets think this through. Lets say you confront him about the "open marriage" idea. (To me, open marriage is no marriage at all)

How do YOU feel about open marriage? Would you do it with him?

Figure out how you feel and then decide if you want to ask him about it or not. What if he says he wants open marriage? Then what will you say?

Get your feelings straight about it FIRST before talking to him....