Lefty - why is his truck staying at your mom's house while he's sleeping at OW's house?

Well, let me give you a few clues:

1. He doesn't want you to blab all over that he's sleeping with a widow aka s***.

2. He wants the appearance of respectability and the life of an adolescent.

3. He thinks everybody's stupeet enough to buy into his subterfuge.

What do you think?

***editted to add***

P.S. Sometimes a life-threatening illness causes some people to turn to God and become more spiritually centered.

Sometimes a life-threatening illness causes some people to "eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die." ****THESE PEOPLE TYPICALLY DO NOT RECOVER - statistically. But your husband may be an exception, if your ministers, etc. get involved in the outing of his deception.

Which do you think happened in your husband's case?

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

Lefty, I can tell you when he’ll want to come home. He’ll come home when OW starts asking him to do stuff, take her places, spend more time with her. Then, he’ll come home for a while until he finds someone else.

Sorry, but that’s the way it works sometimes. Your husband doesn’t care about you and he isn’t taking care of you. So, you have to do it. If you take care of yourself, your husband may start to care for you again.

Right now, he’s using you and you’re letting him get away with it. What he’s doing to you is worse than telling you it’s over and walking out the door into the setting sun never to be seen again.

I’m sorry to be so blunt. I’ve tip-toed around this for a while but being direct may be more effective.

I don’t know if he’s a coward afraid to tell you he wants a divorce, or if he’s a coward afraid to face life without a fall-back (you), or if he’s sadistic and likes watching you suffer. However, he doesn’t matter. Take care of yourself. Do not cede control of your life, thoughts and energy to him.

I think my husband is a coward, trying to hide everything. All this time I've been hiding the 3 times he left me. 2 months each, and now since May 1. In conversation he said don't you ever tell anyone our business, I don't like that when you tell people things, and then I said, well I told some people that you were out........He said who....You could hear the shock in his voice. A few people have asked about you and I said you were no longer with me. That we are seperated right now. I thought he was going to have a fit. He said " I told you to tell them we had a fight and you told me to leave." I said that's what you told me to tell your brother and that I WASN'T going to tell him that because it was a lie. But he's not coming back yet, and now he's worried about what I tell people........What does he want of me....He said he MIGHT come back, but not now, he CAN't tell me he loves me now because I will say come back, he say's it WON'T be long term before he lets me know what his decision is, to come back or not to come back. I don't even know why I get so upset when I talk to him. He is treating me horribly and doesn't even realize it......He's only worried about appearances of his own actions, and expects me to cover up everything. I'm sick of covering up. This is torture to me and he doesn't even care......

Lefty,

I know what addiction is. And your husband's an addict...

and so are you...

you said it yourself - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is treating me horribly and doesn't even realize it......He's only worried about appearances of his own actions, and expects me to cover up everything. I'm sick of covering up. This is torture to me and he doesn't even care...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The question isn't whether he cares. It's whether you care. Because no matter what you do, you're not going to MAKE him care.

You've been here over a year now. Can you live with this and still be posting the same heartbreaking cries for help a year from now?

If I see you posting this same stuff a year from now, I'll know you CHOSE this fate. Because you have the power of change in your hands. Not to change him, because you are not given the power of God to take away your husband's choices - God won't even assume that power for Himself. But the power to change yourself; what you will accept and what you won't.

If you don't want to find yourself in this same pit next year, I would strongly suggest an intervention. Those who know and love your husband; those who know that this is not acceptable behavior out of a grown man; all confront together. Read up on how alcoholic families do an intervention.

Have you read the book by Cloud and Townsend called, "Boundaries"?

Well said, Kayla.

Lefty, I beg to differ with about one thing. I think your husabnd knows perfectly well what hell you are living in. He just doesn't care.

Stop making excuses for him and for yourself.

Whether it's addiction or he's just a complete A.H. doesn't matter at this point. All that matters is that you value yourself and you care how you are treated.

You can't make him care, but you can prevent this BS. Heck, you can even stop being a BS if you choose -- simply change to being a divorcee.

I'm not advising divorce. But, it is an option.

Do you have control over some of the money? You can't get water from a stone. If he squanders it or hides it, you might be left destitute. Make sure that can't happen.

You can do this. Hold onto your anger.

You know , you are all definietly right. I am getting sick of this crap and the way he is treating me. But why to I fall apart when I see him and talk to him. I'm like a wimp and I make him feel bad and I want him to come back because he loves me, not out of pity.....But then I think, why the heck do I want him back at this point. He was boring, never wanted to go anywhere, never bought me presents or went out of his way to do anything special for me to tell me that he cared. And yet he goes out of his way for this O/W. Got a card "I miss you" 2 days after he came back last time. Went out and bought her earrings for her birthday, he sent my daughter to get me a card and flowers for mine. He never had any time for ME. His lawns and customers came first before me. Even tonight when I talked to him, he was rushing me because he was going out to eat, I bet with the O/W and he didn't want to be late. Tomorrow is our anniversary, or would have been 36 yrs. it would have been, my friend is worried about me for that day, but the way I feel right now, our Anniversary's weren't that special, so I don't think I will be that upset. I hope not. But even with all this I am saying, I seem to want that B U M back when I see him. I am really low on self-esteem. I have to get more gutzy. I don't think he is worth it and I don't know if I take him back if I can ever trust him again. Other than missing him now, I do not have that pit in stomach wondering did her see her or not when he walks in the door after work, or I don't have to smell the shirt, or look for cell phones she gives him. I don't miss that at all, and I think it would start all over if I bring him back. If he can't say he loves me now, how can a person say he loves you a few weeks later.........Thanks for listening. And I feel exactly as you have stated above......I just have to get the guts to do what is necessary for MY self preservation and HEALTH. I can't afford to do any more damage to that right now.....

You're getting there, Lefty.

Why don't you grab a friend tomorrow and go out for a nice dinner? If no one is available, arm yourself with a good book, and go by yourself.

I just had an awful idea. His truck is again at my moms as if he were there but he isn't. I am tempted to take the truck and put it in front of her garage with a card on it " Happy Anniversary." That way she won't have to get dressed and take him to my moms. But that's a low blow for anyone to do, but I'm ashamed to say it, I would love to do it.......

These early mornings get to me. How can I stop myself from going there and seeing him being dropped off by that B _______.Why don't I just learn that I can't control what he is doing and like you said, I can't make him care for me. Should I give hom an ultimatum or a date to come back just like he has done to me the other 2 times?????? I don't feel that would work.... He would come back and go out again.........I think I'm going nuts.....The same crap every day it is. I can't enjoy any day anymore. I have to tell myself he is not worth it and let him do his thing like he is telling me to do....Listen to this....I told what we are in now is like an open marriage except he was out of the house. And yet you said for me to do what I want to make me happy, dinner, dates, etc. But when I asked him if that meant sex with someone he said " if I do, just don't let him know about it." Can you imagine him saying that to ME after all he is doing to me with her... If he is playing mind games with me, I think at this point he is winning.... I feel so weak and out of control of myself right now, I'm trying to keep from going there again this morning after she drops him off....It serves no purpose........Help me out here so I can get past this........Is he driving me nuts?????? Or better yet, as he would say it, I am driving me nuts?????? I think this has been going on too long like you said and some closure has to come either way....

Hi Lefty I am awake.
I am in Australia, so for me it is 6.18pm on Monday Night. I have to go cook our tea, but you are asking for help to not go to check.

So here it is

Please Lefty, for your own sanity,
DO Not Go and CHECK ON YOUR HUSBAND>

Make yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee like you people over there in USA seem to prefer. Put your feet up, or better still try to go back to bed and get some ZZZZs, Take some meds to help you sleep if you have to. If you can't sleep, make a list of all the things you are going to do for Lefty today. Plan out your new summer wardrobe.

Do anything, but DO NOT GO AND cCHECK ON HUSBAND>

You need to get through this. Each time you give in to checking on him it will set you back to square one. And if you did go to check, what will it achieve? It will only make you hurt and panic, because knowing what is happening, just doesn't help you, YOU STILL CANNOT CHANGE IT, you will just know and make YOU unhappy.

And also after reading some of your earlier posts. YOU have the right to decide what is right for you. YOU do not need your husband's permission to make whatever choices you need to make for you. And if that is that you tell whomever you wish to tell about the real reason that your husband is not living in the same house as you, then YOU get to decide, NOT HIM>

He is scapegoating you. Asking you to tell others that you kicked him out because of a fight. Why should you be the one who thens looks like the bad guy in this.

He has chosen to go and be with OW. You had absolutely no part in this choice.

Take hold of your own dignity and personal power. Make your choices based on what is right for you Lefty, not on what is right for your husband or what he tells you to do.

Love C&S

AND
DO NOT GO AND CHECK. I have great faith in you. You can do this.

And di I say
DON" GO AND CHECK
bye
C&S

Lefty, how soon do you leave for the visit?

I think you need a real change of venue.

Here's an idea. Call a realtor and put your house up for rent. Take the money from the rent, and move 50 to 70 miles away. Take your mom with you if you have to.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you all live within a few miles of each other. This is just too close. It would drive me bonkers too.

On a final note, stop talking to your H. You keep shifting your arguements every time you talk to him in an attempt to find some thing that will reach him. Nothing will reach him, and the shifting logic makes you look desparate in his eyes.

And, dear, you are not in an open marriage. Open marriages are something both people agree too. And usually they sharing the details of the exploits with each other.

And no ultimatums. He doesn't want to come back. The only way recovery works is when they want to come back.

You are right. We do live only a few miles from each other. I did stop in when he got to my moms house. I didn't see her bringing him though. I told him that this is getting to be too much now. Some decision has to be made. He has to make a choice sooner or later. I said to him if he doesn't want me back please tell me and I will go on and wish him well. He can't tell me that. But he say's he cannot give her up yet.. So it is an addiction he has to her. I asked him since he is having a hard time of it would he be willing to go back to the counselor to see if he can get to the route of all this procrastinating of coming back to me. He said this week would seem like I was pushing him into it. I told him that he has to want to go , not just going because I asked. I go away next week and the week after, so I suggested he go next week and maybe get something started to help him get our marriage on the road to recovery. He said ok for next Th or Fri. So that sounds like a start. And I also said I have to trust in our love for each other and I feel strongly that he will come back to me. He said " your probably right." He did say he is not staying with this woman, but he did say he CANNOT give her up right now, he doesn't know why......I mentioned riding with him today while he does the lawns since it is our anniversary, just to bond a little. He said ok if I want to. But should I go with him or should I go out to lunch and play cards as I had planned??????? I have to hang on a little longer since he can't tell me he doesn't want me anymore.....What would moving solve....That's like running away from the problem. I have to get strong enough to say NO to going in the am myself, that is why I am going away for the 2 weeks...Maybe by then he will think more, get help from the counselor, and maybe come back by July 4 so we can celebrate a new beginning.......Wishful thing Huh!!

He has to make a choice sooner or later.
No, he does not have to make any decision.

So it is an addiction he has to her.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yes, as we have told you over the last year plus.

I suggested he go next week and maybe get something started to help him get our marriage on the road to recovery. He said ok for next Th or Fri. So that sounds like a start.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Why do you think he will do anything? He won’t. He said it to "try" and keep you off his back about it. It worked.

I have to hang on a little longer since he can't tell me he doesn't want me anymore
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> No, you do not lefty. You don’t have to divorce him but you do not have to “hang on” to every little word he gives you. Get over it & quit playing “poor little me”.

Maybe by then he will think more, get help from the counselor,
No, he won’t get any help. Why should/would he?

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Why is it I feel so in control today on our 36 Anniversary. Right now I feel I can go on without him. I re-read all the messages, they really give me a boost of my self-esteem which I lack. Plus I guess I never really did things for me and now I am enjoying them. I hope the rest of the week goes as well.....I can't understand why I am a basket case of tears one day, and today I feel I could handle anything.......Thanks for all your support, I would not make it without everyone here.........

It is because "as you disengage from him" you are pulled out of that cycle of checking on him, focusing on him, thinking only of him.

Once you are fully out of that destructive "energy eating" cycle, you will feel better and better and better.

And finally you will be able to have a life of your own apart from what he does, how he feels, or if he is there....

You are going in the right direction here.

Ditto everything Chris said. Plus…. Are you nuts, woman? “I trust in our love and you’ll come back to me?” Yes, he’ll come back when he’s bored with OW. It has nothing to do with his love for you. He has relegated you to the fall back position. If you are happy with this, fine. If not, don’t hand him a lot of loop holes to wiggle through.

Lefty, here’s a question I’ve been biting back because this is MB and you are married. The question runs a little counter to MB.

The question is this: Why are you so gung ho to get him home? It’s possible you have put yourself in competition with this woman and you are trying to beat her. It’s the sexual territory thing. Jealously is not a good indicator of love.

Let’s take back some control. Today, to celebrate your anniversary, I want you to make one medium-sized decision on your own. Here are some ideas: 1. Husband moves out of mother’s house. 2) You tell anyone who asks that your husband has chosen to move out and date another woman against your wishes. 3) You change your phone number. 4) Change one of your investments. 5) Plan a party at your home for the 4th of July and don’t invite him.

Once you make a decision, write it down, and put it in action. You’ll be surprised at how positive it makes you feel. Remember how good you feel about your vacation?

I went to the counselor today. He saw another side of me he hadn't seen. I said to him maybe I'd meet a man who talked to me, treated me nicely, knew I existed, was good to me, and one that I enjoyed his company and then I would say ta ta to my husband.......He said you would do that??????? I said, " yes, at this point I think I would." I'm just getting tired of all of this, it's been too long. And he did say by me talking to him and stopping and seeing him, is only lengthening the time of him doing what he is doing because he knows I am waiting in the wings and want him back.... He said that was the first time I said I would really leave him, I've always wanted to make him come back to me no matter what. But now the length has made me angry and I feel I am losing some love for him because he is continuing this relationship.....I made an appt. for him for the counselor, we are both wondering if he will keep it. When I saw him I said maybe the counselor would help you get to the bottom of why you can't make a decision. But you have to be willing to want to do it. So he said ok then, but I really don't think he was being honest again and I feel he will cancel. The counselor can't get over how he is even telling me what to say to people about why he is gone..... He said I don't have to be treated like this, I've been more than patient.......So I think it is finally sinking in a lttle. And you might be right about trying to win over the O/W at this point. She is nothing as far as a woman but I guess I feel that I was dumped for a looker, or just plain dumped by my husband and that hurts. So that , I think , has a great play in alot of this too. The feeling of rejection is not something I like. And I do feel love for him, but I don't know whether it will be a fulfilling love that will make a happy marriage, and I think that is what he is feeling too. The counselor said leave him in the house until he makes a decision, if its not too far from now, and then if its to stay out, then tell him to find a place of his own......Sometimes I think he might be even looking now for one, I know last month he had called real estate offices......Time will tell.....But now I have to concentrate on staying away. I went shopping this morning at 5:30 instead of riding past their houses......I worked for me so that's what I'll have to do at that hr., I can't sleep so jumping in the car and going for coffee was my thing.......I hope I can keep it up till I go away for 2 weeks. The counselor said that will be a good thing for me....

Hooray for Lefty. She made a healthy, be-my-own-best-friend decision for herself. Hooray. She went shopping! Got coffee! Hooray!

Way to go.

Now, Lefty, I suggest you do not wait until you meet another man. Give the no contact a try for a little while. And if, you decide you really don’t want him back, or that if something better came along you’d get a divorce, then I think you need to consider divorce. The “something better comes along” attitude is not conducive to anything but an affair. And it won’t help your self respect.

For now, protect yourself against men.


Oh my. The thread is "what happens if HE files" and now we're moving toward "what happens if I file"

NOTE: I'm not advocating divorce. I'm advocating Plan B and Lefty seeing that she has some control and can make some decisions on her won.

Maybe someone can answer this. My daughter and son know that he is still seeing the O/W. Every time I see my daughter and son now, I seem to get angry at them for not telling him that they know, or even ask him if he is still seeing the O/W. She is working beside him every day, and also he helps my son out doing things and I am starting to feel almost offended that he is being shed all the hurt. She even said, " what do you want me to do, shun him." I didn't know what to say. But WHY am I feeling this way, its like they are saying ok to what he is doing. Although one time one of them said something and he said it is between me and your mother, I don't butt into your business. I guess I want to zap it to him and make him feel hurt like I am feeling hurt. But I shouldn't involve my kids to do it or not do it. I just feel left out, that's the brunt of it. He is getting his cake and eating it too, and yet his daughter and son say nothing. It really hurts..........I am glad I'm going away. If I didn't have my mother with me on Hospice, I think I would stay away for at least 6 months and let everybody fend for themselves and then just concentrate on making myself better. But I should be able to do that without running away I guess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> <daughter> even said, " what do you want me to do, shun him." I didn't know what to say.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lefty,

I think your daughter has learned something you still seem to be struggling with:

You have NO control over what he does.

YOU cannot change him, or make him do what you want him to do. It sounds like your children know that. I'm sure they have voiced their displeasure over his actions, but they are realistic enough to know they CANNOT CHANGE WHAT HE IS DOING

Please take a lesson from their actions. Go about your business, and LET HIM BE. He is going to do waht he is going to do, and I'm sorry, but, NOTHING you say or do is going to change that.