Thanks again newly-

One of the kids wants to play with the neighbor for a while so we have yet to head out. I will look for this book as well.

You speak with the wisdom of experience. I find myself doing so well only to be sucked into yet another melodrama created by him. Having the kids I realize that I might as well get used to it as he will always be here, but I can't help, but fantasize about how wonderful my life would be without him in it. Thank God our contact is limited to the kids.

I do worry for my kids. I know he will never be the father I would like him to be, but I do believe he is doing better than before. That said, I still see so many familiar behaviors and so much denial that I have a hard time believing that we have seen the end of his issues. He is very good at walking the straight and narrow when needed only to fall apart again when things get going well. I also see so much of the codependence in me in the OW. She runs herself ragged taking care of him, keeping him away from temptation, and fixing up his messses. What happens when she reaches her breaking point?Right now he is so restricted that I wonder what will happen when he gets his freedom back (driver's license, end of a no drink probation, etc.) By then he will be married and most likely with a new baby if things go to OW's plan and I have seen first hand how smothered he gets with the day in and day out responsibility of parenting. I know that there is nothing that I can do about any of it and that the kids and I will survive as we always have, but I just want them sheltered as much as possible, hence our custody fight, well at least from my point of view. He of course maintains that I am irrational and blowing it out of proportion, but it is all part of the denial.

I have thought long and hard about al-anon for the kids because even though he isn't currently drinking, the personality and signs of an alcoholic still are. Actually the only thing missing is the alcohol for now. I want them better prepared to handle the impact on their lives than I was. Thank you for the advice.

I will check out the book and let you know what I think.

Thanks again.

Take care and God bless!
K

I learned a new term through my recovery.
A "dry drunk" is someone who has the traits of an alcoholic, but is no longer drinking. So life with them is still the same.
And I've noticed, they tend to be angry people too.
As an ACOA, I should have gotten help myself.
I believe my girls were so young that they were unaffected by the A (more by the D) and since X is "sober" that will be the least of my worries.

SR, I try to help where I can on these boards. And I know I'm lucky that I didn't have to deal with the fallout from an affair. You are strong and you are trying to do the best you can for your children. Remember those things.

Still,

From what you've said it sounds like the kids father won't get 50/50 custody. Things are changing, although slowly in regard to fathers rights. I fully support a father's right to have his children half of the time as long as he is a good father. Just as I support a mother to have custody half of the time.

Where I live, it is getting more common for judges to give 50/50 custody. A guy that I work with recently won 50/50 with his kids after a long fight in the courts. He is a good dad and she is a good mom. That's the way the courts saw it. In fact, I know several men who have joint custody with the mother. It is what's best if the parents are both decent ones.

Good luck, and try not to worry.

newly-

I truly believe my XH to be a dry drunk at least for now because the only thing that has really changed about him is that he isn't drinking. Well, and not having me as his wife, but in all other regards he is the same man.

At his last DUI he went into inpatient treatment in an effort to lessen jail time, keep his job, keep his girlfriends, and keep his kids. The problem was that work forced him to go or be fired so he really didn't have a choice. The treatment center recommended a minimum of 21 days. He stayed five and had a list of reasons a mile long why he couldn't stay longer. He then attended weekly out patient group counseling, but has either quit or stopped going as frequently in recent months as he has been available at the time the group meets. His pattern is typical. He is full of remorse when first caught and then as time goes by he falls back to old habits. He surrounds himself with enablers, myself included, and the vicious cycle continues.

I truly believe my youngest two really haven't been effected by the drinking as one was too young when he lived here and the other wasn't even born yet. The older two are a different story though. At 11 and 9 they have seen enough to have been effected and I worry about them a lot.

I went and picked up both books we talked about earlier and look forward to reading them tonight.

TheFeminineSide- Thanks for the support. I believe all children deserve a relationship with both parents. I believe in 50/50 custody when both parents are good parents. I know of some very good fathers who have 50/50 and do a great job, but I have huge reservations about my XH. I believe that he loves the kids to the best of his ability and parents them to the best of his ability, but he still has lightyears to go and I just can't sacrifice my children's happiness and well being because of his self motivated reasoning.

I have tried working with him to come up with some other solutions to offer him more time and to prove himself at the same time, but he isn't interested in anything, but what he wants and he has proven that what he wants today rarely lasts for too long.

Thanks again to everyone for the input and support. It really means a lot!

Take care and God bless!
K

Okay, I had a great night even though it involved running my son to the doctor to get stitches for a pretty nasty gash in his finger, which in typical nine year old boy style he tried to hide from his mom! I read and relaxed and was doing great.

I talked to my BF on the phone and he of course asked if anything was new about Friday's court date so I ran down the events of the day. We talked about everything and he suggested I call my attorney as we are getting closer to the date.

So first thing this morning I call my attorney expecting to leave a message, but she actually answers. I explain the situation and she says she really doesn't know what to tell me, she asks the usual questions like have I heard from the mediator, my husband's attorney, the guardium ad litem, etc. to which I answer no to everything so she then says that I need to talk to the missing in action mediator and find out what's up from her as she can't really see what we will be doing on Friday, but she doesn't want to mislead me. She tells me to call me back as soon as I learn something so she knows how I want her to proceed.

I then call the mediator and get a bunch of excuses from a very nice secretary with the bottom line that she and her paralegal are gone for the day, but the secretary will try to do some digging and get back to me - SCREAM!!!!! The secretary also told me that she wasn't sure they had heard back from my XH yet. Hello, are they going to pursue it?

I then call the court house as a last resort to see if they know if things are still on for Friday. I know the secretary and she is like, "Why are you asking this, shouldn't you know?" and so I tell her the story. She then pulls the file up and they haven't heard anything from the mediator either so the trial is still on. I then tell her there can be no trial as we have nothing but the beginning steps and she is like, "You're right, I have no idea what you'll be doing here on Friday, you'll have to call the mediator," and she adds, "Good luck you'll need it to get ahold of her!" - NICE!

So now here I sit. I have no clue where things stand and I have no clue whether I should pay to have my attorney there. I know I should not worry about this, but how do I not when it is such a mess?

Suggestions? Should I retain my attorney and have her there on Friday or wait and see what happens? So far she has been talking to me without the retainer as she thinks my XH has no real intentions of going to court and believe it or not she doesn't want to take my money if she doesn't have to. I would rather solve it myself and keep things civil, but I don't want to be unrepresented if I need it. Yes, I am panicking again. I know I need to relax and am trying, but it is so hard.

Part of me wants to call my XH and ask him where things are at, but he just thrives on me asking him. He is warped and finds it empowering that I get nervous so I refuse to let him know it.

Well, I'm rambling so I'll go any input is greatly appreciated.

Take care and God bless!
K

Calm down sweetie. You are panicking for nothing. Don't waste you money on the attorney. If you don't agree with something with the mediator, simply say so and don't agree to sign it. That is the purpose of mediation, to leave out the lawyers. A mediator can't make you do anything. Chances are, Friday will be a huge letdown and your X won't even show up!!

I don't blame you for not trusting your X in regard to the kids. While I know that having children spend time with their father is beneficial (studies show this overwhelmingly), the benefits are really limited with a person who's an alcoholic. My personal opinion only based on the fact that I know what you are going through. My X is an alcoholic...not even one on the wagon such as your X. It's such a shame, because he's a really great guy when not drinking. The alcohol turns him into something totally different though! I wish his gf much luck with him. If he doesn't drink too many days, they should have a pretty decent relationship.

Take care and keep us posted!!

(((((HUGS))))))

Thanks TFS-

I have been getting some work done today and not obsessing about my predicament. I figure I will go on Friday without my attorney unless something drastically changes and if anything I am uncomfortable comes up I will simply say no that I have to consult my attorney. What can they really expect from me with no real notice? It's not like I am hindering the process. I have done everything requested of me.

I know what you mean about the alcoholism. My XH too had some pretty good moments when not drinking, he does however have a lot of issues from childhood that he has never letten go of or dealt with though, so he tends to be an unhappy person in general and the unhappiness usually turns to anger, especially when he doesn't get his way. This is all magnified when drinking and he is just so unpredictable.

What I see in him now is a lot of unhappiness. I do not see the man who is about to marry the love of his life. I see a man who is saddled with responsibilities he doesn't know how to deal with and trapped by decisions he has made. I think my vision of him is pretty clear as others who know him well see similar things. I wonder how long he can walk the straight and narrow because of this.

Then again, it is time to let go and let God!

Thanks again for the support.

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, it's Wednesday. In two days I will be in the courtroom and low and behold as expected still no word from the mediator. I have felt myself moving from panick to irritation, and now to a more calm me. I have my stuff prepared, but I think Friday is going to be nothing more than a preliminary so I am going without my attorney.

My kids were with my XH for a while yesterday. My oldest daughter(11) said that while they were making lunch her dad said to her, "Can you believe I'm getting married?" She said, "Again." He said, "Yes again. I sure hope I'm going to do it right this time." I asked my daugher what she said then and she said, "Nothing." I asked her why she said nothing and she said she had nothing to say. So I asked her what he dad said and she said that he didn't say anything either and the conversation was dropped. He so wants her approval and she is bound and determined not to give it to him. I think that eats at him more than anything.

Then, my mom tells me that while I was away she saw the OW's mom at one of the kid's sporting events and she said they were making small talk. My mom has a huge thing about not being rude, plus the kids are there so everybody is always polite. Anyway, my brother is getting married this summer and my kids are in the wedding. The OW's mom asks my mom how the plans are coming and my mom replies very well. The OW's mom then says that my brothers wedding must really be expensive since it is quite big and my mom tells her that yes it is pretty expensive. Then the OW's mom starts talking about my XH and her daugher's wedding and how even though it's small and simple it's still costly. What's with that? Can you imagine talking to the mother of the ex wife of your daughters fiancee, the woman whose daughter was cheated on by her then husband and your daughter and having the nerve to bring up their wedding? My mom said she just said that she could imagine and walked away. I asked my mom why she didn't tell me earlier and she said because it really bothered her and she didn't want to upset me. I told her I found it totally tactless, but I wasn't upset. I was just amazed as always at how clueless these people are.

Well, I am babbling so I'll go, but I'd love to hear from you.

Take care and God bless!
K

Okay, now I am moving back into the irritated stage. I just got a call from the mediator's paralegal. She told me that the mediator will be out of the office again today and that she really has nothing that she can tell me because they have recieved noting back from my XH since the initial mediation. Who the hell does he think he is? It just irritates me to no end that he can initiate this whole mess and then blow it off. I asked the paralegal what the ramifications of his not responding were and she said nothing. So much for being law abiding! I told her that I really needed to know where things stood so I would know whether or not I needed my attorney present and she told me that she couldn't answer that, that I would have to speak to the mediator. Hello, isn't that what I have been trying to do?

Well, I am mostly venting because this really gets to me, but if anybody has any advice I'd love to hear it. I am thinking that since nobody has a clue where we are at, an attorney would be a waste of money, but I don't want to be unprepared.

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> they have recieved noting back from my XH since the initial mediation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just refresh my memory here and correct if I am wrong. Do you have a custody agreement in place and he wants to change it?
or is this the initial custody arrangement?

If it's the first, then it is looking like they'll be no change, which is to your benefit - RIGHT?
And if so, he's lost credibility with the system as he's failed to follow guidelines.

If it is the latter, then I would call back the secretary, and ask for the mediator's home number so you can ask her directly. If she won't give it, I would ask for the judge who would oversee the mediator and when you speak to their secretary, explain the lack of communication by the mediator - you should get a quick answer.

Go above her head if nothing's in place now.

Now breathe.

Thanks newly-

We have been divorced for two and a half years now and he is seeking to change the original orders.

I would hope that his blatant blowing off the system would play in my favor and just be another strike against him, but then my paranoid side catches up with me.

I can see him blowing things off if I had initiated this, but he did and now that things are not going his way he is blowing it off. My gut instinct is that he doesn't have an attorney as I can't imagine an attorney advising him to ignore the mediator's requests. Granted I am a rule follower, if I am told to do something I do it, but it just doesn't look good to deliberately ignore requests especially in court.

I am trying to breathe and I am praying a lot, but I am so irritated with everything right now. With him for putting us through this and at myself for letting him gain control of my life. Granted, he doesn't see how much I am consumed by this, so at least he isn't gaining any perverse pleasure from my suffering. In his presence I am cool as a cucumber.

Thanks for the support!

Take care and God bless!
K

Sounds just like my X - no followthrough.

I've said this before, approach issues from a point of love - not from fear.

Don't fear what he is trying - instead know that by the current custody agreement you are caring for your children in love.

So, if nothing happens it's status quo.
And, to brighten your day - think about how he'll explain this to his bride. WShe'll ask why custody isn't changed. Can he say - I didn't file the papers????

Change your patterns. Don't engage. Live as you would live, and include X in important questions.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Remember that it is his loss, and your gain.

And plan to do something nice for yourself - whether or not you go to the mediator. You deserve a treat for the agida.

One more thing.
Watch his actions - not his words.
We are still codependent. We still want our X's to be the fathers our children deserve. Only they can decide to be the fathers they will be.

This time, you bought in again to his words, but his actions don't align with his words. I fell for it many times in the M, and I'm sure you did too. If he wanted a change, he would have processed the paperwork. His choice.

Hi again-

Well the mediator's paralegal just called and said that a letter had just come in from my XH stating that he is rejecting the mediated agreement, hiring an attorney, and going for 50/50. On one hand I can't believe he is pursuing this, but on the other hand I can as his perception of reality is so far off.

I have called my attorney and she is coming with me on Friday. She says she is hoping a show of force will convince him to accept the agreement so I can be done with this, but if not we will go from there and do what we have to do.

All in all I feel a lot better. I am proceeding with love not fear as you recommended and am still working on the breathing!

I am headed out of town for my nephew's birthday party, but will check back when I return tomorrow.

Thanks for the support!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hello everybody-

I just returned from my nephew's party. The kids and I had a great time and I hardly thought about tomorrow at all.

When I got home I saw that a copy of the letter from the mediator to the judge had arrived stating that we had mediated an agreement and my XH had just backed out so she was notifying the court to appoint a Guardian ad Litem for the kids. So I guess here we go, the battle begins. I have no clue whether or not I have to go tomorrow now that this has taken place and of course nobody is available to take my calls.

Does anybody know if his coming to an agreement, which he never signed, and then backing out of it will look badly upon his case? I guess I am hoping it will have some bearing because it is just another example of him saying one thing and doing another and being totally unreasonable when he doesn't get his way.

This whole thing will be a waste of a whole lot of time and money, both of which could be better served with the kids.

So where do I go from here all you veterans of the custody wars?

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, the morning has finally arrived. In two hours I will be in court beginning my custody battle with my XH.

I feel prepared, but admittedly nervous. I always am like that with the unknown. I swear I will be better once this is underway, I hate the waiting.

Wish me luck!

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, I survived the morning. My attorney was with me. My XH showed up with the OW, but his attorney wasn't present as he had other obligations. When we walked in the judge knew all of us except the OW so he asked who she was. She said her name and my XH chimes in, "Until tomorrow, we're getting married." The judge just stood there for a moment and then said congratulations. PUKE!!!! All I could think was yes, it's true, her hell is really just beginning!

It was very informal and a Guardian Ad Litem was assigned. I am please with the choice as the person has a very good reputation.

The judge looked at both of us and told us he'd read the mediated agreement, seen that we'd both agreed, but that XH had then backed out. He then told us that he couldn't decide for either of us, but after reading the agreement he found it fair considering the circumstances. He looked right at XH and said that his OUI record was definately not going to help him at all in this. He then said that he figured that the mediated agreement was not only fair, but from his experience he felt that unless there was something major that he was unaware of that it was pretty much what would be stuck to and probably my XH's best deal, so if there was any way for us to come to agreement it would be in everybodies best interest. He then added that he felt the thousands of dollars that we are going to spend be better spent on the kids. I said I agreed. XH and OW just sat there, but said nothing.

So now I am sure the judge will be added to the growing list of unfair and biased people whom have sided with me.

All in all I feel much better. I know I will have to blow a lot of unecessary money, but I feel confident that people are seeing through my XH's bull. Also, the trial date was set a few months away so now I can enjoy my summer with the kids. The ironic part about it is that the time my XH was to gain with the kids was all in the summer so out of ignorance he has once again lost valuable time with them. It is such a waste.

I appreciate all of your support. If any of you have any suggestions about how to proceed during the custody trial it is greatly appreciated.

Take care and God bless!
K

SR,
I still feel there will be no trial.
If x's lawyer was there, he would have heard what the judge said. Don't bother fighting this - it is as good as it gets. Hopefully X will convey that to his lawyer as it was stated.

The judges say things like this - without officiating - to get the people to understand and settle. Basically, he told your X he was lucky to get what was mediated and don't push it.

X would be stupid to continue. Hopefully his lawyer will see that.

Now, just breathe.

I just saw my old house yesterday. I'm trying to figure out where x got so much money to spend. My girls now have a 2 story playhouse - with a brand new patio on it! And he has two new trucks too. Ugggh. Too bad he couldn't fix up the house when we were a family.

Been following and praying.

Why is it that sometimes in court WS's get all uppity and admit to their affair?

I suspect he said he was getting married so he'd present a "solid home life" in front of the judge.

Glad to hear what judge said. Your x should quit while the quitting is good.

Document everything he does with regards to parenting. And document everything you do with regards to parenting. I believe you will prevail easily btw.

BTW...that little fillibuster from the judge should have put a damper on his affair marriage the next day.

It's clear cut. He is remarrying. He wants extra money or she wants extra money. Classic post affair-remarriage behavior. Id' ask my attorney if there is any studies done to show this as a pattern among affair marriages? I bet there's a study done somewhere on this legally at some law school. I mean, even my x has done this.

Thanks once again for the support newly and Peachy! You will never know how much it means to me.

I went away for the weekend and had a great time with my BF. We talked in length about how court had gone and I feel so much better. I am hoping my XH will come to his senses and stop fighting this losing battle soon.


newly- I can appreciate your feelings on your XH's money and home improvements. I have retained my marital home, but my XH has since the divorce bought a vehicle and home which are both bigger and nicer than mine and he is constantly doing home improvements. I guess it is no secret why he needs his support reduced! It does still get to me from time to time seeing him do things that he should have done for us, but was always too busy, drunk, etc.

Peachy- These affair relationships/marriages will never cease to amaze me. They just do not get it. I do not understand them, but then again I do not want to. I am simply happy to be away from him. I have documented since about five months after he moved out and in the last year it has gotten very detailed. I am more than ready to heave my journal at anybody who will read it. I have to trust that the truth will prevail.

As for the wedding, it seems to have gone off without a hitch, but doesn't seem to have been much of anything. It was really small and simple in their backyard with only family and a few friends. Our oldest daughter who has never been to anything, but church weddings was really shocked because it was over in under ten minutes. It was definately not how I would want my wedding to be, but then again it didn't have to be.

They had a beautiful day, as far as the weather goes, but I must say so did I. I really didn't think about them and as predicted wasn't upset or anything. I really don't care anymore and that in itself is such a comforting feeling.
I think the only thing I feel frustration over, well other than the obvious court stuff, is knowing the man I love is hours away and that it isn't going to change anytime soon. I too am ready to move on with my life and seem unable to do so, at least in that area.

Thank you all for the continued support. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

Take care and God bless!
K