OK, what would you all do with this?

Background: we separated over 2 years ago, divorce final 5/03. XH and OW were co-workers, involved in at least EA prior to separation (I have always suspected PA). PA post-separation, prior to divorce and during reconcilation talks. My son is 4. XH and OW got engaged last week.

she writes:

Dear CarlaJo:

I'm sorry. I'm writing this to let you know that I'm truly sorry for all the hurt and pain I caused you. I realize now that my choices - continuing a friendship with XH while you were having marital problems, dating him before the divorce was final - contributed to the already difficult and painful situation between you and XH. I never meant to hurt anyone; I never set out to cause you pain. But my choices did both, and I apologize.

Looking back, I can see now that I should have let you and XH deal with the marriage without my interference. At the time, I only wanted to be supportive of XH, as a friend and co-worker. I knew you were having difficulties; he would confide in me about the problems in the marriage, and I only wanted to be there for him. Once you separated, and he confessed his feelings for me, I should have held off until all the issues were resolved. I know now that emotionally, your relationship with XH was more complicated and more involved than I appreciated. I thought once you separated, the decision was made. I see now that was not the case. And I am horrified that my relationship with XH has colored the way your marriage ended.

I'm not sure how this note will be received. You may hate me, and disregard this all together. OK, I can understand that. It is my hope that you accept my apology, because it is sincere and heart-felt. I know you are concerned about the time I spend with DS. I hope it will make you feel better to know that I love him, want what is best for him, and appreciate my role as "Daddy's friend" and "Daddy's new wife." I am not his mother, never will try to be. My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is. My role is to be his friend, support him whenever I can, and nothing more.

I do hope we can work together in the future for DS's benefit. I respect that you want no direct contact with me, so XH will continue to coordinate all issues related to DS with you. I wanted you to know, however, how sorry I am to have caused you any hurt.

OW


OK, MB friends. Whould you respond to this note? What should I say?

Carlajo,

What do you want to say?

Don't know her, don't know him and don't know you but sounds like a simple peace offering to me to help you all move on with your lives. After all, nobody wants to go through life having to deal with the angry X of their spouse. just like nobody wants to have to go though life as that angry X.

WIWH

Carla,

I would write her back and thank her--and also ask to seriously think about -- what she plans to do in the case of martial troubles in their future, as ALL marriages have them--and he begins talking to
some other woman--will she be able to fully trust that he would remain faithful??

And what makes her think she will be any different--than you--or that He will be a different "kind" of husband to her than to you?

Not that you want a response---but just something for her to seriously think about if she's planning on marrying this man whose marriage she played a part in ending---

ThornedRose, the nomdeplume is apropos.

I think that response would be churlish and not conducive to a good environment for the well-being of the child.

It's a peace offering. Take it, don't respond at all if you like, but don't respond with such nasty innuendo. Let them sort their own lives out, and you just worry about your child and yourself.

It sounds like the OW is already thinking about how much she could trust Carljo's X.

Carlajo, you don't need to respond if you don't want. I think it at least shows this woman has a conscious which is good. Not all OP do. It was respectful which is nice.

If you repsond directly to her, you'll be opening up communication. If you do nothing, you'll have shut it off in an ungracious manner. If you send a respectful message through your X, you can maintain the status quo.

I think it depends on what you want.

I wouldn't respond at all.

IMO she's trying to feel better about what she did, trying to ease her own guilt. And/or she's hoping you will somehow endorse her marriage to your ex-WH... There's no reason to believe she really cares about your feelings.

The OW in my case wanted something like this too: wanted to meet my daughters and to have them become part of her family with my WH, and for me to 'accept' this SO THAT SHE could feel like a 'good' person, and not a homewrecker. It had nothing whatsoever to do with concern about how my daughters and I felt about her plans with my husband, my daughters' father; and IMO she and my WH didn't really care about how we felt, as long as we could act as if the adultery was OK with us, so as not to spoil her and WH's fun with guilt. She told WH 'she never intended to be the OW'. Oh but it didn't stop her from sleeping with a married man. She just didn't want anybody to THINK of her that way, regardless of her choice to commit adultery and to help destroy a marriage/family. My WH told me it was my job to tell our daughters that their feelings were wrong! He actually expected me to somehow force them to give their approval of the adultery. And he didn't really care what they felt, as long as they could act as if they were OK with it. I told my husband that it was totally up to our daughters if/when they would ever want to meet the OW (they told him NO WAY). I also told my WH that I thought it was incredibly rude, selfish, and insensitive for he and OW to expect us to witness/endorse their adulterous relationship. I asked him to consider how it would make his daughters feel to have to watch him treat the OW better than he treated their mother, to see him act so sweet and patient with her little girl when he was impatient, mean, critical with his own daughters when they were that age?

(But enough about me - back to your situation)

There are ways to move on with your own life, to accept that an OW has successfully helped destroy your marriage and it really may be over now, without forever feeling bitter towards the adulterers. But that can be accomplished without ever having to endorse the adultery. Healing and civility can be accomplished without your having to in any way communicate any sort of forgiveness or approval of what they've done. If/when you forgive them, it will be for yourself, not something they selfishly seek from you so that their adultery fun won't be tarnished.

Let's face it, she conveniently waited until AFTER SHE HELPED DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE (and not a moment sooner) to suddenly get a conscience... Certainly suspect!

Maybe the OW and your ex-H are finally feeling enough remorse over their adultery that it is ruining their relationship? IMO that's a good thing and you shouldn't do anything to interfere with that. Or it could just be another attempt to continue the 'BW is our common enemy' bond. If they are starting to realize how shallow and selfish their relationship is, they will need to try to keep you engaged in opposition to their adultery, so they can bond/band together against you. If you react in a hostile way to her 'niceness', she can seek and get sympathy from your ex (and others), assurance that she is somehow innocent and that you are the bad gal after all.

Don't give her what she wants. Let her squirm in her adulterous cesspool. She thought stealing your husband would make her happy and perhaps now she's starting to realize it probably won't. Her problem - not yours.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

You don't have to respond right now. You don't have to respond ever if you don't want to, but I think it would be wise to take your time to decide what to do.

I agree that it is a little late for her to develop a conscience, but I also think an angry response from you is only going to make her feel more righteous, so I'd either not respond, or say something neutral.

I also think she is using your kid to try to disarm you- that comment about "My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is"-how do you take offense with her without appearing not to care that she allegedly adores your DS? (And showed it by helping his home to break up.) OTOH, I agree that it is best for your DS not to have a war going on between his mom and his stepmom. So I think wait a bit then maybe send a neutral note, like "I got your letter. It gave me a lot to think about", and then go on with your life.

Quote: Don't give her what she wants. Let her squirm in her adulterous cesspool. She thought stealing your husband would make her happy and perhaps now she's starting to realize it probably won't. Her problem - not yours.

MereMortal, are you suggesting that CarlaJo cut off her own nose to spite this woman? What if Carlajo would like to have a cordial relationship with the step-mother of her son? She shouldn't?

I don't think from the letter we can assume the OW thought stealing Carljo's husband would make her happy. In fact, the OW clearly said she didn't understand she was doing that. If OW has never been married, I can see how she would think the marriage was over as soon as XH moved out of the house. Single people rarely understand the complexities of married life.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Sorry, I don't know a whole lot about you or your story, however, as a FBS (former betrayed spouse) I would give anything to hear OW say she was sorry just to know that deep down she is a decent person.

The engagement may have got her thinking about exactly what her A did to hasten the end of your marriage.

Remember, you don't need to respond to this letter at all if you don't want to.
I would only respond if:
*it suited me to do so,
*it was in the interests of my child (not that I have any!!)
*I could do so without expressing any bitterness or anger.

I wouldn't make any comments about their upcoming marriage. That's their business.

Hope this helps. Take care!


Edited to delete errors!

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

I can honestly say that I don't know how I would react if I ever received a letter from my XH's OW and I have been divorced for two and a half years. I do agree with what greengables has said however. If the OW indeed had never been married she is clueless to the complexitities of marriage and is therefore in for plenty of awakenings as her relationship with your XH goes on.

I guess what you really have to decide Carlajo is what you want out of this. What would be best for you and your son? What can you live with? Chances are the OW is full of guilt and looking to ease her conscience, but that is not your problem. Whatever you do, continue being the better person. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around.

Take care and God bless!
K

I've been in your shoes. From that perspective, and from many years of experience, I'd not write something disparaging back. If you don't want to write anything beyond that you received her note, do that. You aren't obligated to do more to keep the "high road" that you clearly now own.

Your main concern and focus should be "what is best for my son"? If you answer that questions, you'll know how to conduct yourself with this woman.

"I would write her back and thank her--and also ask to seriously think about -- what she plans to do in the case of martial troubles in their future, as ALL marriages have them--and he begins talking to
some other woman--will she be able to fully trust that he would remain faithful??

And what makes her think she will be any different--than you--or that He will be a different "kind" of husband to her than to you? "

Asking her the above questions would be silly and of no use. No doubt she thinks their relationship is different. And perhaps it is. My X changed everything that I had told him he did wrong in our marriage with his new wife. I'd never have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it myself. For a long time I felt like "what did/didn't I do to merit that type of treatement"? Hurt me more than I can describe. One day, I realized that it wasn't about me, it was about HIM...he had actually listened to me, learned and changed for the better!!! Part of me is just a tad resentful it took the breakup of "our" family for him to learn, but the better part of me is grateful that he did and his children benefited from it and that I was the catalyst for his deep changes.

"I also think she is using your kid to try to disarm you- that comment about "My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is"-how do you take offense with her without appearing not to care that she allegedly adores your DS?"

This comment made me sad because this is exactly how I feel about my bf's children. It makes me wonder if my bf's XW doubts that I truly care about their children? Why is it so hard to believe that someone other than the mother can love and care for a child that isn't their own?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Because you have a child with XH and he and OW are getting married, you have a relationship with this lady whether you want to or not.

She is probably already aware of the problems that come with a step-family and she knows alot of it has to do with her.

It will be up to you how you want to handle this. She is trying to make her life easier, true, but the way you respond will affect your son.

I'm not saying you should be friends with her, but have you decided how you want to interact with her because of your child?

There is no reason to interact with her at all. Even the OW seemed to be aware of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes me wonder if my bf's XW doubts that I truly care about their children? Why is it so hard to believe that someone other than the mother can love and care for a child that isn't their own? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Duh! It is extremely common, virtually universal, for OW's and even second wives who were not OW's to feel intense resentment of the H's children.

Nelli

"Duh! It is extremely common, virtually universal, for OW's and even second wives who were not OW's to feel intense resentment of the H's children. "

I don't think you understood what I said. I DON'T feel resentment for my bf's children. I care for them very much!! The woman who wrote the letter to Carlajo didn't say that either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

No, I did understand. Of course they don't usually say that they feel resentment - though there was a post here (or maybe it was on general questions) the other day by an unusually honest second wife about that very subject.

Why do you think that it is almost universal for men to see far less of their children once the men remarry or are in another relationship? It sure isn't because their children need them any less.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheFeminineSide:
<strong> "I also think she is using your kid to try to disarm you- that comment about "My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is"-how do you take offense with her without appearing not to care that she allegedly adores your DS?"

This comment made me sad because this is exactly how I feel about my bf's children. It makes me wonder if my bf's XW doubts that I truly care about their children? Why is it so hard to believe that someone other than the mother can love and care for a child that isn't their own?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a bit startled to find out that I find it " hard to believe that someone other than the mother can love and care for a child that isn't their own". What I do believe is that language should be judged in context, and considering how self serving the rest of the letter was, I consider the "My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is" comment to be self serving as well. YMMV.

All of this discussion over what "MIGHT" be the OW motive.

Big deal what her motive is. I'm pretty sure someone will get it wrong, trying to guess what the motive is.

Big deal if it is self serving. All of this analysis.

If I were writing back saying something to the effect of I appreciate an honest apology and believe that the bests interests of the children is the most appropriate.

If you forgive her, (and the Bible tells us we should forgive) then tell her so. Harboring hate and resentment I'm pretty sure is NOT in the best interests of the children.

Does divorce hurt? Yes! Do you need to keep twisting the knife? No.

Stop analyzing and start loving and forgiving. Life is too short on this earth to be bitter and mad.

So even if OW is being self serving, being upset and suspicious about her motives will not change her motives and only further to upset you.

FWIW,

Tony

The reality has set in. She is just realizing that he had a life before and that she now has to fit his real life into their relationship. She also now is on the otherside and is worried about her relationship surviving (and she should be since the chances are very, very slim). She also is getting to know the real him and has probably realized that what he told her about you was not true. She is getting the reality check. She is reaching out the olive branch because she is going to be the step mother and realizes that this was not the way the relationship should have started. I'd be kind for your child's sake-they really don't have a good start to the relationship-she's afraid of you too. Maybe as time goes on your X will realize what he lost and maybe she knows that too. Sit back, watch the show-it's going to be a good one.

Wow.

Sounds like there might be some sort of cloud on their relationship.

And this letter is to ease HER guilt and make HER life easier. Sure, kids are very easy to love. I love all children. But she wants to walk into an easy stepmom scenario.

I would either not respond to her or else send short letter saying that "you appreciate her apology and her willingness to accept responsibility for the adultery and breakdown of your family and marriage but wish no further contact and will continue on with current situation."

For me, it's not about being mean to OW/w, or doing anything. She is nothing to me. But if she does anything negative to my child that's another matter. Blended families aren't easy and especially I would imagine after adultery.

Honestly, I know I could have a relationship with somebody as a step parent had they not so actively contributed to the fall of a family. That's where I draw my line. I don't give legitimacy to something I find morally offensive.

And yes, if you do respond expect her to pretend to be friendly and get more reaction. My x's OW/W tried to actually phone me last year and get me to talk badly about my x when she pretended to leave him. I did not forge any bond with this homewrecker and she knows it.

I parent with my xh. If the sitch had been different I could see even myself having a cup of coffee with them both but not ever in this lifetime as it stands now.

This is about her. Her conscience. Her impen ding marriage. Her wanting to have it easy when you went thru hell and your child went thru a hell adjusting to this very wrong situation. She was not innocent as she pretends to be in the letter. Ignorance is no substitute for guilt. Ask any judge. That's like saying, well I didn' know judge that if I brought a gun into a bank, showed it to a teller, that they'd give me all this money...I swear I didn't know that was robbery. Adultery is alot like that. Stealing. You covet, then you steal. And alot of people just want to rename their sin and make it something acceptable and good for the world to see.

Here's how it goes when I see xh and OW/W at event. I stand and am pleasant by myself. I am usually nowhere near them. If I see xh, I am cordial and decent and don't acknowledge her at all. It's as though she's invisible. And this is because I don't condone her presence in any way.

She actually phoned me again about a week and a half ago. She asked me "why do you hate me?" before going on to saying that my x is a liar and that she too cares for my son. I told her that I don't hate her, I just have no regard for her whatsoever and that my xh is her problem now and that I think they're perfectly suited for each other especially in the untruth department and that she should be kind to my son as that is all I expect her to do. Be kind and decent. She's not his mom and not to ever discipline him again. She was short on words and quickly got off phone.

Personally I wouldn't engage but would save the letter should I have to go to court again for any custody reason as she states clearly that she was deliberately involved in the breakup of your marriage and didn't have regard for anybody but yourself. You may love or like a child, but does that stop an OP from destroying a family and marriage? Nope. Their crotches do the talking instead of their morality or their brains.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Witten by the OW:
"My goal is to be just one more person on this earth who appreciates how brilliant, funny and sweet DS is"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to place a different spin on this.

When my then-H and I began participating in both OCs [boys] lives, I almost wrote the exact same thing to OW #1 regarding Ryan [OC #1]. I completely fell in love with both boys, and I treated them as my own.

I was very sincere when I wrote the OW, I wanted her to feel confident that I would never do anything to harm him, and I wanted her to know that he was treated as tho he was my own bio child.

Believe me, both OW were extremely horrible to me when they were in the midst of their affairs with my husband. They were not only preditorial, they were off-the-charts aggressive and verbally abusive to me. Threatening my life, etc.

I'm no saint. It's just when I saw the children [not having any of my own and loving kids] everything came into perspective for me. They were what was important, and everything else didn't seem to matter. Only they mattered. It's just how I felt and it surprised even me.

At the same time, I have deep heartfelt feelings for BS's that are required to share their children with OP's. I don't know how you do it, it must be so hard. It must feel like the ultimate betrayal and hurt beyond belief.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>