For those not up on my recent goings on here's the latest. Taking a Stand

So I went over there agian tonight cause DD called and told me WW was going to work late and she needed someone to talk to. Was there a couple of hours when WW came home and we just kinda waved at each other and said hi. After a few minutes I gathered my things and left. Tonight it was just a 'bye' and she didn't even get up.

On the way home I was wondering why I was feeling pain again and came to the realization that it hurts to see her and not have her act like a wife to me, i.e. happy to see me, sad to see me go, wanting to be with me. This conculsion leads me to the point that nothing will change unless I change it. Thus the reason for this post.

I want to knock her off the fence. Sure I'd love it to me my way, but I think at this point anyway is better than no way. Please give me your take on the draft letter I plan to send tomorrow.

Dear Wife,

I want to start this off by telling you that I still love you and that I wish there was some way for me to reach inside and fix whatever is wrong with us. I know that I cannot do that alone and that it requires both of us working together in order to accomplish any real gains in that direction. It has become painfully obvious to me that you have no intention of doing anything other than putting up roadblocks to any *real* recovery.
It pains me to see you and not have you happy to see/be with me. It pains me to be in the same room with you and be ignored. It pains me to be married to someone that doesn't care enough about her husband to be concerned about his welfare and it pains me to love someone so much and not feel the love in return.
It's getting worse WIFE, not better. You said you were working on it in small ways, but I only see you going further away. I bought off on your idea of progress, yet it seems your progress has gone in the oppsite direction. You want me to stay there and spend the nights, but when I am there all I get is the cold shoulder. Your totally noncommunicative and emotionally dead whenever I'm around.
I told you I was very nearly done with waiting and that wasn't an idle threat it was a fact as much as a fact can be. This limbo you've created for us has lasted almost 18 months and I can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I need more than you are willing/able to give. That is a fact as well.
I might be able to hold on if I could see and end to this, but at this time I can't. Like the song say's, "I'm not old, but I'm getting a whole lot older every day" life is too short for this nonsense and nonsense is what I think about this whole thing. I mean if you wanted something you'd just take it. Which tells me your still unsure if you even want me.
So here's the jest of this whole letter, I'll come by Saturday morning at 10:30 and we'll go get the papers signed. I'll take them to the lawyer Monday morning and we should be done within the following week. Then we can both work on getting over this whole mess on our own.

Let me know if this is ok with you.

Sincerely
Harry

Personally, I think it is perfect.
Tonight, I will get down on my knees, and pray that the Lord will give you peace with whatever response you receive. You are stronger, and wiser today than you were 18 months ago.

A thought - have you kept a journal these past 18 months? If so, get it out and read through the beginning pages. Just to see how far you have come! My aunt told me to do this same thing recently. At first I was afraid too - afraid that it would be too painful. It wasn't too painful - it was good to see how far I have come. I have a feeling it would be good therapy for you too.

You will be on my mind and in my prayers tomorrow. Unfortnately I havea board (read bored) meeting to attend most of the day, but will check in on you when I can.

Beth

HarryS,

I feel your pain....I really do.

Forget about sending a letter. You can change yourself, not her...all she knows is how to continue to lie and deceive you....this M is not a priority to her....at least not at the moment....but follow my notes and this may change her...then again, it may not but you will feel better about yourself.

I mean, she is still with the OM, right? You have been dealing with this for so long, move on!!

I would go and file on your own, get a new L and leave her to wallow on her own. Forget about a letter, you are giving her too much credit to even consider how you feel. Do this to shock her and maybe create in her the final notice that you are truly leaving her. And, all the while, take care of yourself, get physical, work out, hike, etc. Go to church/temple, say some prayers, begin your NEW LIFE.

As Jesus, said.."Mother, I can make all things new again." You can too! Decide for yourself that you will be the better person, whether you are together with her or not.

I increased my workout regimen, bulked up a little, and just started getting my act together to prepare for my final showdown which I felt was coming. You can do the same.

I mean, think about it. We are both BS'....how can we see a cheat? THIS IS YOUR LIFE, GET CONTROL OF IT!!! No more weak moments. The lies create more lies, that is all she knows....but I know you and I are vulnerable at certain moments...remove yourself from this situation, do not talk or interact or see her, I mean it!!!

She is not going to do anything, why should she? She has the best of both worlds...end one of the worlds for her (you). This is the consequence of her actions....and she will have to deal with this at some point in the near future.

Believe me, there are lots of other people out there, I now know this myself. You deserve better and so do I.

These idiots do not deserve our precious gift of Love...but someone else does.

Just my two cents...you will do what you think is best as we all must do in this Life.

Good luck my friend.

HarryS
youve been kind enough totake interest in my plight... ive seen your posts and really do feel for you.
the one change i would make is where you say WIFE... its accusational and will piss her off (i reckon).
you do have strength to deal with the reponse, whatever it may be.
my thoughts will be with you thus weekend, and i wish you peace in your heart and mind.

take care and big big supportive hugs for you.
(mtinside)
oh yeh... harry, you wrote jest... not jist, you want to use the word jist!

Harry,

Until you are sure you want the divorce (which means you would be willing to do whatever it takes to get it, contested or no) do not push for divorce in order to “knock your wife off the fence”. You have already waffled on this since January (and as recent as Monday according to your posts). How is this back and forth divorce threat is working for you?

In my opinion, you should not send a letter asking your wife if it is OK to divorce her. You cannot force her to do anything. Either YOU are ready to do it or not. If YOU are ready, go sign the papers yourself next week and hand it over to your atty to get wife to sign or re-file as contested. (By the way, did she agree to the way assets were split up? Did she have her own atty or did you mediate the settlement? If so, why would you need to totally start over?)

If on the other hand you are on the road to recovery, you guys need a plan for your recovery that both of you agree with. You two should be in counseling, preferably with an MB-friendly coach. If she sent the NC letter, you should be able to see it and have proof that it was sent. She needs to be willing to tell you how she is going to be accountable for no further contact w/OM and then implement that plan. You are both self-sabotaging your recovery as things are going now. You seem impatient (I understand why, but she may not) and unwilling to negotiate. When W explained how having D around made it difficult to work on the M, you two could have brainstormed solutions (e.g. why doesn’t D take your apartment and you move back in w/W?), but instead you blew up. I think you blew up because you don’t believe she really wants to recover.

Wanting to protect yourself from the pain of being around someone who you are not yet ready to divorce, but who is not yet ready to really enter recovery with you is a legitimate desire and something that you can control. So do it. Stop going over there, if your D needs your support arrange to see her at your place, or out at dinner, etc., but not together with W. Have you ever sent a plan B letter? Now seems the time to do so. Outline how spending time with her is painful when no real commitment to recovery has been made and then just let her know you will no longer be in contact until she is ready to demonstrate no contact, be accountable and offer up and implement a true plan for recovery. Look at plan B letter examples on this site. I think your letter as is is pretty filled with DJs. I would make it shorter and leave out everything that starts "it is apparent to me" or references "no progress". Since the two of you didn't really have a recovery plan (that I am aware of) which defined what progress would look like, you can't really say either of you are or are not living up to it.

So I suggest sending the PB letter and then stick to it. During this time you will either become ready for divorce at any cost, or she will come around. But do not continue to base your actions on her words and promises, unless you want to stay as crazy as you feel now.

All my own opinion but based on hard won experience – best wishes,
SP

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Starpony ]</small>

WoW....

This is all over the place! All of you have given good advice/opinions and have reached far afield both sides of the fence.

womanoffaith5:

Thanks so much for following me around. I think of you as a real friend and very supportive. I hope I can be there for you like you're there for me right now.

Nature:

Bro it's great having you on my thread. You keep me grounded and keep the vision of a life without BS/WS alive. The simplicity of just not putting up with this crap it your trademark and I wish I could *keep the faith* for longer that it takes to answer the phone and say, "sure I'll come over and fix the garbage disposal", but alas I feel that my heart at times is stronger than my head. Common Sense at times flee's me and I'm left with just the heartstrings tugging.

sheildmaiden (aka MT):

I put the 'WIFE' references in there to leave out her real name. WW would take big offense to seeing her name splattered on the Internet. I will replace them when/if I send the letter with her real name. Thanks for the gist (I think we both blew it). I hope I can come to your aid as you have mine.

Starpony:

WoW! Now here is a lot to think about. And believe me I am thinking!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How is this back and forth divorce threat is working for you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ugh! Nail on the head. It's not working. Not at all!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (By the way, did she agree to the way assets were split up? Did she have her own atty or did you mediate the settlement? If so, why would you need to totally start over </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here in Texas there is an option for Uncontested divorce. This is a cheep option and cheaper if you have no kids (which we don't have together). I paid like $1,500 bucks for the whole thing. We agreed on division of assets (basically she gets the house) and property. I still have stuff over there which I'll get and put in storage if this progresses. She does not have an atty.

She said she has sent a NC letter to OM (last Friday) but didn't show it to me and I asked her yesterday if there had been any attempts at contact by either to which she replied there hadn't.

I've been in PB twice for at least a month each time. As for counseling I have tried to get her into it, but though she doesn't actually come out and say no, she does have an excuse for every appt I make. Last time I sent her 8 different times/days and she said no to each one with some lame excuse.


Here's the driver. Usually I can deal with being alone really well. This separation has taken a toll on me and I feel very close to crossing the same line she did. Going back into PB will drive me over the edge. At this point I feel the need for love/acceptance/caring/communication/SF is becoming overwhelming. I have never been alone this long in my entire life. I'm a social guy and this hermit routine is wearing on me.

And to answer the next question, NO I'm not seeing anyone nor do I have my eye on anyone, but that doesn't preclude me from being driven by abstinence of those needs that have gone unmet for the last 18 months.

HS-
Think of it this way, and maybe get a Laugh here or there..but remember, I am deadly serious.

You and I are Captains of our Lives. We have each charted many courses over our existence, some alone, some with friends, some with loved ones and currently with WS's.

Your ship is Lost in the LIMBO LAND SEA. You are now approaching the very furthest region of this sea...beyond this is what is referred to as THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (FZ)...ALL WHO ENTER HERE WILL GO CRAZY.

So, Limbo Land will only get you further LOST...with the end result of entering the FZ. I am sorry, this really aches to see you driving yourself crazy here. Do a 180 and GET OUT OF THE LIMBO LAND SEA and chart a NEW COURSE FOR YOU...NOT HER..

Only you will know when. As Starpony has eloquently said, if there is a recovery at hand there will be a plan. But, your W does not want a plan, she wants to have both worlds..the world of Steady Eddy HarryS who will come over or stay at a moment's notice and naturally the more exciting yet elusive and passionate world of the OM.

I know from experience that my WS did not want MC and there was no plan. It took one more Lie to convince me this person is essentialy NO GOOD FOR ME. Yes, I waffled a bit for 2 weeks but no more. It took strength and conviction...and I know I am still vulnerable and am probably approaching a very difficult point because my WS returns very soon. I have had a reprieve and have not had to deal with her over the last 5 weeks. This has given me a chance to grow stronger.

I personally would implement Plan B if you are not ready for D. And stick to it....but, I know you have already tried this before and so does she...so my guess is she sits back quietly laughing because she no longer respects your abilities to keep Plan B and NC with her...So I would go to D...but I am my own Captain, just as you are....you will know when you are ready.

Look, don't you see she how manipulative she is? What a pathetic, habitual and deceiptful liar she has become??? Why has she not shown you the NC letter??? BECAUSE SHE HASN'T SENT IT!!!! She is obviously still with this guy...that is why she does not want to work on the M.

I really think a serious wake up call is necessary..maybe Plan B, but more than likely D...get the ball rolling and GO DARK, no contact with her..no personal discussions, only the business at hand...and see over the next few weeks how she likes being ignored by you, the Steady Eddy HarryS.

Get off this rollercoaster before you lose your frickin' mind!!!!

Just my 2 cents.

Harry,

I am very sorry for your situation! Read your letter and can see it from various paradigms!

I must say I am in agreement with Nature.

Nature; I enjoy your logic, and your advice is very sound. I did the same approach with my xh--for me it suited me just fine, so I can relate, feel the weight come off.

THE FZ is somewhere our ws dragged us along with out our conscent is the crazi zone.

I choose not to go down, or be brought down-I perfer the Life Zone- xh chose his FZ- Dead End zone, own course.

Although xh wanted to return- I knew in my heart we're so done. When it's clear someone doesn't have your best interest at heart, lies and manipulates 24/7, and your on the lowest priority list that person is very honest by their actions.

When it over, it's over, it's over-the ship is turned over and sunk. xh wanted to hurt and harm. Mission accomplished.

It's takes two to tango-only one to break the dance.

Harry,

I have read your posts in the past and your most recent ones. I have a question for you.

Why do you expect your W to quit lying when you have not quit lying??

You are lying to yourself, your DD, and your W. You keep saying "I want a divorce" "I left for 7 weeks and it was great and the I let MY W SUCK ME BACK IN."

She did NOT suck you back in. She has done NOTHING to make you believe that she left the OM. She has done NOTHING to work on the marriage. She HAS let you sleep in her bed, because it makes HER comfortable. Trust me this has NOTHING to do with you.

You claim you have tried plan B twice and failed. The reality is you set yourself up to fail and then you do.

Your marriage has no chance if you are not honest with yourself and you have not been. Decide what you want and commit. Get the papers signed and leave if that is what you truely want. You have earned your divorce. If that is NOT what you want, take the darned papers and burn them, but don't complain about your W, you are waffling worse than she is.

You cannot expect her to get her act together, when you are all over the place. Make a plan, do the plan, and get the results. You are not really doing much of anything that the MB approach calls for, you are allowing yourself to be used, and the LB'ing about when you make that decision. It is YOUR decision by the way, not your W's. You are the one showing inconsistent behavior, NOT HER.

Please stop and think about this. If You don't change your behavior, she surely will not change hers. Even if you do change she may not. You have to make decisions on your risk/reward factor, but make these decisions and then act on them.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL's right. I hope you will think about this. And then I hope you take it a step beyond thinking to action where it really matters.

What do you want Harry?

Do you want your marriage? If so are you willing to do a strict plan b with NO contact until the A is over and a plan for recovery is in place? This will not "push you over the edge" unless you let it Harry. Your problem in the past has been that you have expected it to change your wife, rather than focusing on changing you. Remember plan B can be however long you want it to be. You are in control of that IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. You always have the option to move to divorce.

Do you want a divorce? Are you just tired of not getting your needs met? Would you rather be free to try to get them met with someone else? (Of course no guarantees here either.) If so as JL says you have earned it. So be honorable and take the necessary steps forward.

I know this is hard, but the key is realizing you can only control you. Say this to yourself over and over if you have to, but if you learn it it can change your life. Really.

SP

Just Learning and Starpony! Tagteam and SMACKDOWN on Harry time.

Now all I need is TooMuchCoffeeMan to drop a MB bat on my backside and I'd be complete. After reading you post I think the light went on.

Thanks for your touch of reality and thanks for having me check my self righteousness at the door. Your so right. I have let her control and use me.


I didn't send the letter. I will do a lot of thinking tonight and let yall know what I decide and do tomorrow.

Either it will be a strict Plan B, or I will have the papers signed.

One or the other.

HarryS,

You asked for opinions, and you've got 'em:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Wife,

I want to start this off by telling you that I still love you and that I wish there was some way for me to reach inside and fix whatever is wrong with us. I know that I cannot do that alone and that it requires both of us working together in order to accomplish any real gains in that direction. It has become painfully obvious to me that you have no intention of doing anything other than putting up roadblocks to any *real* recovery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HarryS, I personally believe this is a disrespectful judgement, because unless you have specifically asked her if her intention is to recover or put up roadblocks, then you can't read her mind. Now, you may be able to logically step from A to B to C, but to say "...you have no intention of doing anything..." means that you know what she intends to do. My opinion would be to put that into an "I" Statement, a feeling statement, or your opinion. For example, "It seems to me as if you do not show any intention of doing anything other than putting up roadblocks to any *real* recovery." ("I" Statement) or "I feel as if you do not really intend to recover when you say you're going to do something and don't do it" (a feeling statement) or "It is my opinion that it does not appear as if you intend to recover this marriage. Is that your intention?" (your opinion).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It pains me to see you and not have you happy to see/be with me. It pains me to be in the same room with you and be ignored. It pains me to be married to someone that doesn't care enough about her husband to be concerned about his welfare and it pains me to love someone so much and not feel the love in return.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HarryS, the things that are in italics are once again your interpretation of what is going on, what she is thinking or what she is feeling. I completely and totally understand what you mean and how you feel, because I've been there too!, but you can not "know" what she is thinking and feeling unless you have asked her and she has told you. Otherwise it is your projection of what she is feeling. May I suggest that you take ownership of your own feelings and write them that way? "It pains me to see you and not feel as if you are happy to see/be with me. It pains me to be in the same room with you and be ignored. It pains me to be a married personyet not feel like I have a spouse who cares about me and my welfare. It pains me to love someone so much and not feel the love in return."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's getting worse WIFE, not better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's your opinion. I do not know your wife at all and am not trying to defend her choices, so don't misunderstand what I'm saying here...but what if she felt alone, abandoned and mistreated by you for YEARS? And what if she tried and tried and tried to tell you and you didn't take it seriously? And what if someone FINALLY came along who paid attention to her and thought she was WORTH their time and energy and interest and passion? And what if she made a mistake and made a bad choice after a long time of pain, and in her heart she would LIKE to recover but kinda feels like not being with you felt good? At least for once she wasn't ignored! And what if she is finally able to do some of the things SHE always wanted to do but you didn't wanna or didn't want her to do it or didn't offer her the time to do?? See...my point here is that YOU think it's getting worse not better, but she may not. And yes, her thinking may be warped by the addiction of an affair, but she just may not think that she is worse off because she is finally getting to be herself and have someone like her for herself.

I'm trying to show you a new perspective here, HarryS. One of the biggest things that men often do to discourage a woman's spirit is to assume that what he thinks is what she thinks...what he feels is what she feels...and his way is her way. And if she DOESN'T think and feel and want things his way, then quite often a fella can come across disrespectful of the woman's thoughts and feelings and ways...as if to say, "Well MY way is right, and if you don't think like I do well then you are WRONG!" HarryS, different is not WRONG! So, yes, it is morally wrong to have an affair, but no it is not morally wrong to think that maybe it's getting better, not worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said you were working on it in small ways, but I only see you going further away. I bought off on your idea of progress, yet it seems your progress has gone in the oppsite direction. You want me to stay there and spend the nights, but when I am there all I get is the cold shoulder. Your totally noncommunicative and emotionally dead whenever I'm around. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OOoops! The italics are reading her mind again. Maybe you could rephrase that "I feel like you are non-communicative and emotionally dead around me." She may feel like she is sticking her neck out as far as she is safe to do so, and she doesn't feel very safe AT ALL. Do you kind see a pattern here??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told you I was very nearly done with waiting and that wasn't an idle threat it was a fact as much as a fact can be. This limbo you've created for us has lasted almost 18 months and I can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I need more than you are willing/able to give. That is a fact as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope. This is not "fact." This is how you view it and how it feels to you and what you think. It has lasted 18 months, but as an example only--if you had neglected her for 18 years before this, then 18 months would be nothing! The deeper the hurt/wound, the longer it takes to heal. Now, it is EXTREMELY reasonable for you to say, "I told you I was very nearly done with waiting..." and "...I can see no light at the end of the tunnel. I need more than it seems you are willing/able to give." I like that! Well done!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I might be able to hold on if I could see and end to this, but at this time I can't. Like the song say's, "I'm not old, but I'm getting a whole lot older every day" life is too short for this nonsense and nonsense is what I think about this whole thing. I mean if you wanted something you'd just take it. Which tells me your still unsure if you even want me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Italics...reading her mind...been over this already and I bet you're getting the gist of this now, right?? However, I wanted to comment on an emotional level. BOY, do I understand what you are saying in this paragraph!! I think for myself personally, I could have held on for a long, long, long time too if "The Plan" had been presented to me in a way I could comprehend...if "The Plan" ended up with us loving each other and in a close, intimate relationship...and if I could see progressive steps of "The Plan" being executed. I understand that sometimes people have their own issues and problems they have to work out on their own, and that it's not ideal but sometimes necessary to do it alone. I understand that in a relationship sometimes there are things that are not pretty that need to be hammered out. I understand that it is a process and some rebuilding and trust-building needs to go on. But to not have "The Plan" presented in a way that I can comprehend...to constantly be put off with "I'll do it when I'm ready" or "I'll know what I get there" just drove me insane!!

A very wise woman I know explained something to me one day that made total sense. Sometimes, especially when people are conflict avoiders, they will say "yes" to things they really do not want to do just so they can avoid the conflict. Then, when they are held to a schedule or timeframe, they resist or say, "I never said that". That is because they say "yes" when they want to say "no" and their actions say "no."

Thus, define your bottom line issues; get them succinct (one sentence if possible). Ask your spouse "What is your plan to deal with XYZ and are you willing to take the first step in 3 days?" If they have no plan...they mean "I don't want to do this." If they have a plan but are not willing to do the first step in 3 days...they mean "I don't want to do this." Then, decide if you can or want to live without your bottom line issues being addressed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So here's the jest of this whole letter, I'll come by Saturday morning at 10:30 and we'll go get the papers signed. I'll take them to the lawyer Monday morning and we should be done within the following week. Then we can both work on getting over this whole mess on our own.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly, this just feels like an ultimatum to me. I'd suggest you define your bottom line issues, ask her for her plan to address those issues, and give her the 3 days to reply and start dealing with them. If she doesn't, then decide if you are willing to continue in a marriage where your bottom line issues will not be addressed. If you are not willing to continue, then you have done all you could and you can not "make" her love you and want to work on it. On the other hand, if you are committed to standing, you still can not "make" her love you, but you can keep your focus on YOU and on your relationship with God and how to become closer and more intimate with Him--and then walk in complete assurance that He will deal with your wife in HIS time and in HIS way. If you are going to stand, then stop with the threats and wanting things your way...now....and STAND.

I encourage you to trust God and focus on your relationship with Him--and let God deal with your wife! But whatever you decide, we will be around to support you getting through it, okay??

God bless ya, HarryS!!


CJ

CJ:

When did you talk to my WW? How did you get inside her head like that? Sheesh you hit so close to home on so many of those topic's it's scary! Thanks so much for giving me that inside track on how she might be feeling and thinking. She does claim that prior to her affair I was emotionally unavailable and for the most part it was true, but it was at her request.

You see I work for a Major Airline and 9/11 took a friend of mine. In addition to that I was then forced to layoff several of my direct reports that had become close friends over the years. In addition to that my mom was diagnosed with Altzheimer's and my dad was also having medical problems. This was all going on at once and I was under a lot of stress. At first I talked about my problems with her, but it got to be too much for her and she pulled away stating that she wanted the 'Happy Harry'. So I closed down. Delt with my issues alone and then the next year rolled around and I had more issues dealing with my girls and some custody issues. They ended up moving out for a short while to live with their mom and I felt like a total failure, but still had to deal with it alone as WW still stated that she only wanted the 'Happy Harry'. Another year passed and I started to get on top of my issues, but then it was too late... a few months later she shut down on me completely and I focused 100% on reconnecting. It was too late as she had already started her EA with OM.

Wow...that just spilled out! Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


Ok... update time. I was up till 5:00am this morning thinking about what to do. I had a couple of conversations with the man upstairs then fell asleep while sitting on my balcony. Woke up and went over to the house and asked WW is I could borow her for 30 minutes to go and have the papers signed. We talked for a bit, but I didn't go into any tiraids and answered her questions directly.

she asked, "Is this what you really want to do?"
I replied, "No, this isn't what I want to do. What I want I can't have. This is what I need to do because I can't have what I want"

she stated, "You know I don't want this"
I replied, "Your words say one thing to me, but your actions say another"

she said, "I still love you"
I said, "I still love you too, but being around you as things are hurts too much"

We then drove and had the papers signed. I drove her home and she gave me a hug and kiss in the truck.

It's done. On Monday I call the lawyer to schedule the final hearing.

I'm empty. Physically beat and emotionally numb. Going to bed for awhile.

This is one of those rare weekends where I have jumped back on board.

You have just steered into the wind and are starting to feel warm ocean breezes as you leave the Limbo Sea....good for you, HarryS!

Like I wrote before, only you can control your ship...I know you knew that but these are tough, extremely trying times and you need the like of us MB geeks to help out....I still need help myself, and I will admit to it, that is why I still come here for opinions, encouragement and advice.

You have served your final notice to her. Now, begin anew. You have been honest to yourself and your heart..and that is rare in today's world.

She may wake up, then again, she may not. It really should no longer be a concern of yours, you have done all that you could do. You have finally closed the Door of No More Regrets. You will get through this, I guarantee it and YOU WILL BE THE BETTER PERSON. Remember as the other posters and I have mentioned:

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. Now go for it!!!

God Bless You.

Nature

Ack!

Not going for anything till this is final (which should be within the next 2 weeks). I'll not cross that line even if it's scheduled to be demolished. I've gone this long, 2 weeks before I open my eyes should be a piece of cake. Then and only then .... watch out, this ship I'm on will post outriggers and a 1500 horse cummings inboard and engage warp drives to the nearest safe port.

Good for you. Keep safe distance over the next 2 weeks. I wish you luck...I will also need it as my WS returns home next weekend and then is back for good the end of the week...should be interesting to say the least.

Meanwhile, I should be seeing my new 25 year old friend this evening! Fun and games, nothing more.

Hey Harry,
I have been following your post with much interest as your situation and mine are very close. Our first court hearing was Jan. 20th as well. I too just made an offer for the the divorce settlement to my stbxw. She is waiting for her attorney who is on vacation till the 24th to give me her answer as to if she will accept or fight me for the house. In the mean time she lives in the outbuilding and comes and goes like a non paying boarder. She is going through many severe emotional problems some not even directly related to me / us. So both you and I have put the ball in the stbxw's court and it will be very interesting to see how these women will react. Like you I have been suffering in the sea of limbo and longing for a true course in my life. I have resigned myself to not taking any further action legally regarding the divorce. I know the general consensus here is to plan b like heck. Personally I do not subscribe to that way of thinking. I have made my wishes known and clear. She is out of my bedroom and mostly out of my house and is here to occasionally spend time with the kids. I can only treat her with respect for the good of the children. I want them to see their father as a kind, gentle, good hearted man even in the face of dealing with someone as confused and sometimes nasty as my stbxw.

good luck to us all !

Peace,

David A

Is this the quickest and easiest way out of this. Probably not. To me it's the most honorable way though.

Well tomorrow I call the lawyer and set the final hearing date. STBXW called Sat night in tears and we talked for a bit. She says she now believes signing the papers was a mistake and she shouldn't have done it. I listen to her and ask why. She states, "If two people love each other dearly then they should be together". I tell her that I don't feel 'dearly' loved and that if she felt that way then why is she still sitting on the fence? She says, "I think there's something wrong with me". I ask, "What are you going to do about it". She says, "I'm working on it". She then says that's she's willing to go to marriage counseling, but only if we can do it in 30 minute sessions so she doesn't have to miss work. I say "you sure you can spare 30 minutes a week to save our marriage" and she says, "well you think I can just phone in?". I say, just forget it.

Went over there today to see DD cause I knew she wasn't going to be there, but after a couple of hours she came home early and caught me. I started gathering up my stuff to leave and DD says lets all go to dinner, I'll buy! ...


ugh, I went. I know I shouldn't have but I did. We had a good time, ate dinner and played some pool.

I know I sent a mixed signal. My Bad.

Called lawyer this AM to schedule hearing, he's not in till this afternoon.

Got am email from wife this morning....

"harry, don't do it. don't ask why. just don't do it."

This plea doesn't fall on barren ground. I am struggling not to let it take root.

I haven't responded to her and have no clue what to say. First internal response I had was "why" so I guess she knew that.

Still she's not offering anything. Nothing new on the table.... but I still have heartstrings and she's tugging on em.

staying quiet

Remember, words are meaningless....keep your ship on course!!!

Let her tug....but she cannot anchor you down as you are sailing into new seas.

I do feel your pain...but remember, these WS only know how to lie!!! If she really wanted this, there would no objection to MC, discussing the OM, etc. She has used you to the nth degree!!!