Hi Folks,
I read this thread and almost in tears. I am very near this point in my negotiations with my stbxw as well. I have read many of your reassurances that to get a good settlement is in fact winning to a degree. But it is also loosing, granted loosing something you don't really have but it really smacks reality hard in your face. I am hoping I win. She is still contemplating her course of action and is meeting with her lawyer to discuss her options on Saturday. Needless to say my anxiety levels are through the roof at this point. Someone once told me it takes a year of healing for every five you were married. That's a little over 4 years for me. Tell me I don't have to live like this for 4 more years. Or even 2.

I hope I don't loose it and start being a jerk about the whole mess. So far I haven't felt any anger of any consequence. I hope it remains that way if she decides to fight me for use of the house.

Like I tell everyone who asks how I am doing now. I'm hanging on !

Peace,

David A

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<small>[ July 23, 2004, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Time heals all wounds they say. And they're right. I'm in such intense pain right now. I'm numb. I knew this was coming and knew what kind of behavior to expect, but it hurts nonetheless. I'm scared folks. i admit that. I have an adjustment disorder, that makes it even harder for me deal with abrupt transitions like these.

My W doesn't love me now. she hasn't respected me in years. she has disparaged me before her/our friends, and attacked my very self esteem. She used my situational (due to the A) depression as the reason for the D. I am just wrong in her book. Yet, she is someone I have loved for 20 years. Perhaps the dream of her is what I loved and now that the truth is revealed i'm mouring what I never had.

What happens, when the sadness and anger on both sides subsides? What will my heart desire? Those questions await, while now I cry to myself and vow never to let her see me hurt again.

p.s. Screw the OM. He lost his W to an A and does this with mine? He will NEVER have peace in his love life until he repents before God.

Hey, dleightonc:

Don't worry about how this feels right now.....allow yourself to "grieve." It's normal, it's natural, and it's a part of the process you must go through to heal. Think of it like a surgical operation. You KNOW you need to have the operation, right? But you know it will be painful, especially healing from the stitches, the cutting, the inside wounds........

But, I don't think ANYBODY would forgo having the operation and possibly save their life just b/c of a few days of pain. No, they wouldn't. You know why? B/C they know they are going to come out more healthy on the other side of the ordeal. That's where you are now. Beginning to understand this is a transition time, and it is progress, and it will make you a more healthy person afterwards.

Second point, I believe this is the perfect time to go to Plan B. Why do I say that? Well, think through with me about OP and NC. OK? We want our WS's to quit seeing, talking with op. We also know "the fog" will clear faster once NC is established. Well, how about this? The "FOG" BS's are in will also clear w/NC!!

IOW, BS's also tend to live in a "dream world." Oh, yeah, they do!! They start fantasizing about how *wonderful* life was b/4 all this happened, how wonderful life will be ~ if only the WS would just come home. The BS tends to overlook their flaws, or their S's flaws, and demonize the OP. Sure, the op is responsible up to a point, but it's your S who took vows to be faithful to YOU, and they are the ones who knowingly left the M.

What's my point? My point is this: If you are "out of it" ~ the pain, the deception, the drama, the wondering, the roller-coaster; then you can step back, see more clearly and begin the healing process.

NOW is the time to read more (has already been suggested to you), to learn how to be a better H, a better father, a better human being. I took this time alone as a wake-up call that this whole train wreck happened in part b/c of some FLAWS IN ME! After all, if I was the "perfect wife" - had been meeting H's EN's perfectly, then he wouldn't have been so unhappy he strayed. This is not my idea. This is strictly Harley. I believe it.

Once I started really working on ME, started seeing what types of things I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING, but wasn't, the more shocked I was that my H hadn't done this long before now!!! Conversely, I was also unhappy in our M. That's true. BUT - I WAS THE ONE HERE TO LEARN, AND IMPROVE MYSELF, NOT HIM. So, the responsibility lies on ME to improve myself. It wasn't so much to "get him back" ~ as it was to make ME a nicer person.........to teach ME how to be a better S (so that if I got the opportunity to do it again, I would be WISER and do it right the next time!)

THAT's what Plan B can do for you.

Yes, grieve now, cry now. You have every reason to be sad. BUT, once you step back, and the "fog" of your hurt lifts, I think you'll see more clearly what you can do to better your life, and be a better father, H, and human being. That, in itself, might be worth all the pain. It was for me.

God Bless,

How do I plan B with kids? We share custody and are close with her family. Do I plan B my in-laws as well?

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

deleightonc,
I understand and can relate to your pain. You should consider yourself lucky in your settlement. WW and I have agreed on property settlement, especially since I was more than fair. Our only battle is custody. The fact that I can prove that she is a horrible wife ( she admits she has not been a good wife for a long time) doesn't mean she is a bad mother. Here, crack dealing whores get custody just as soon as they get out of rehab. WW may be thinking more of her self and OM than she is the kids but she hasn't done anything that I can find to cause her to loose custody. I will continue to fight it out to the end, make it court record that she is an adulterous chronic liar, but when it is over I will probably have the same thing I have with the temporary order. The every other weekend plan. Our attorneys have discussed a settlement and they have suggested that they would settle with an additional night during the week being part of the court order. I will not agree to anything less than joint custody with me as the primary custodial parent. I think that is more than fair on my part. My biggest hope is for the future when my sons will be allowed to decide for themselves. We will have another custody hearing and I believe they will come to me. If they choose to stay with WW, that will be OK. Their happiness is my primary concern.

You sound like a great dad! Go for joint. Boys need their fathers, especially as they get older.

why the anger? She's running around, trying to cancel everything that we jointly hold. She's so anxious to move! Like I was the Anti-Christ! I hope the fog will lift soon, just so the "Evil W syndrome" can end...

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I've been kinda skimming alot of the different subjects here. I'm currently going through the D thing-in fact, my STBX is serving me D papers tonight. It's been a long tough road since she told me she was leaving in December. I've ran the whole range of emotions. The one thing I keep coming back to is this-she chose this path. I'm firmly convinced that regardless of the outcome, God will be glorified. We are both Christians but her path is different due to the kind of beliefs she has now. For those who are struggling, please know that there is peace. In Christ, you will find the peace you need. You can give your broken heart to Him over and over and He won't turn you away. I haven't arrived in regards to this D-but I ask God to allow me to see my STBX through His eyes,because for whatever reason she seems to think that there is a fairytale romance waiting for her. Please be encouraged-Jesus is the Lover of our Souls and there is no other person on this planet that can complete us like the Lord. I can speak from experience now-as I look back on the pain I felt and the emotions I've gone through, I can see that God has made me a better, more thoughtful person due to this thing. Even in the midst of the problems of life, God is where the peace is. He won't turn you away when you come to Him in honesty. I came to Him in anger on numerous occasions and vented to Him. Why did He allow this to happen? Why did He do this to me? The love that God has for you is beyond what you can POSSIBLY comprehend. He knows your pain. Bring your broken heart to Him. Tell Him how you feel. I know for me, I had a LOT to learn and there is still lots to learn. But, with God as our teacher, how can we fail? I never thought I would say that I DO believe I will feel RELIEVED receiving the D papers tonight, but I will. Even though she is already with OM and is talking of marrying him once the D is final, I can go on. I loved that woman like no one's business, and I never thought I would be able to get on with life after her. I contemplated throwing in the towel more times than I care to admit. 5 months after she left me, I see that there is SO MUCH MORE to life. Life is a learning and growing experience-we go from one chapter to another. Even though I was rejected by a woman, the God I serve hasn't rejected me. I'm reminded of a song-Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His Face. The things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace. Through it all, God was with me. He never left me and HE NEVER WILL-I trust this is ministering to someone. Take one day at a time and DON'T LOOK BACK. Enjoy each day as if it is your last-noone is promised tomorrow.

It's so hard right now. The final hearing is this week and I'm hurting so bad! I miss my boys (it was her weekend this week). The baby is in the hospital and I don't know how to respond to any of this. I know this will pass, but while it does, I hurt.

I want my family back so badly.

I'd recommend you have put into the final decree that if any children go to the hospital for ANY reason, the other parent is to be notified within 3 hours (or something).