Hey everybody...

Remember how RR was trying to show his softer side? And remember how I've been upset about his being scarce somewhat on weekends, especially weekends with my son?

I got fed up and decided to take my singleness into my own hands again. Well, I got online and have been for last several days baraged by tons of online stuff. Pulled off the biggie site for a while but something didn't feel right. Just didn't so I put it back up.

And about 15 min. ago I got my answer to the whole sitch regarding my supposed Mr. Right...

Yep. He's seeing somebody else. Probably several and he's a CAKEMAN. Yep.

I've been seeing him for over three and a half months now and I just found his ONLINE DATING PROFILE ON YAHOO.

My best girlfriend called me and she was talking about our florida trip and then a doc friend of mine (just a friend ok?) called and asked if he could join all of us and get the suite at the resort on same weekend and I said ok. I asked him about this wierd sitch to get a guys' view of this...He said, well, check out dating profiles on his online service...What's his email? I say it's thru yahoo. I am talking to my buddy Tim on the phone and voila...within three minutes using Tim's suggestions to narrow things down substantially, there he is. I almost vomited. I got too upset to cry but will tonight.

And to think I felt guilty about having mine up. Tim said to pull back and NOT TO REACT RIGHT NOW. He said it appears as if he wants to search about a bit and make sure that I'm the best he can get...Which GOES ALONG WITH THE IRONY OF ME POSTING CAKEMAN EARLIER TODAY. I tell you, God prepares you for things you need to know.

Tim says that "well there's no ring on your finger" and that sure you've been dating now just him for a while and that although he's said he hasn't seen anybody, that the profile pretty much means either he's changed his mind, or is lying to me."

I am sickened.

Remember when I told you to check the dating sites? Tim was the one who busted my xh a few years back online as well.

Damn it. I wanted to believe he was different. I wanted to believe this was going to work and that somebody would care and listen to me. I wanted to LET DOWN MY DAMN GUARD FOR ONCE. Just for once.

Well I hope he worms his way over to the other bigg, actually much bigger site and finds my profile. My photos are better, includes a bikini photo from my diving and dunns' river falls climb and ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...one of me in labcoat with my old practice looking rather...can we say attractive in a sorta medical sorta way? In the photos, I appear to be a more attractive woman than he is a guy.

And there is something worse. He says "are you the right girl?"...Like he doesn't know or something. And then he says he wants to meet somebody who likes sports (I guess I meet that but I don't give a crap anymore) and wants to kiss all night on the couch...I HIT THE DAMN ROOF.

So....how does one with a perceived yet non verbal dating "relationship" for almost 4 months deal with this? I am going to go into FULL BLOWN 180 COMPLETE WITH "I'M BUSY ON FRIDAY...HAVE PLANS...WHAT DO YOU HAVE AVAILABLE SAY NEXT MONTH IN YOUR PALM PILOT? I AM ALL BOOKED UP TILL THEN.?"""

I swear, when something doesn't seem right listen to your instincts.

I deliberately didn't go out on dates for these last several months because I believed we had something that would have definite long term potential. This would explain why I haven't heard from him since friday afternoon. HE's been burning up the internet with chickiepoos and using the weekends I have my son to do that with.

There is no committment so I can't blow anything sky high. Or can I? Or how do I approach this? Am skilled at marriage/infidelity dealing with this but terribly unskilled with the dating version of this...

Now it all makes sense completely. The last night he was over here later, he came and brought me my keys and wejust watched a movie on the couch. He wasn't very affectionate and I swear it seemed like he was acting guilty or something. Like he couldn't look at me directly or something like that.

And on fri when we left the office, I brought him over to the hospital (very close by) and he and I goofed off for about 20 minutes. I was not being affectionate too much either, but very nice and the usual peachy me, but he grabbed my hand and held it for a long while before he got out.

Now I want to hurl. I want to go and wash my hands a hundred times. Completely. Now I know why he wanted to get a hold of my cell phone. He wanted to see if I am going out. Or who is doing the asking.

Well all I have to say is "honey, get in line. And learn how to wait..."

Give me some good advice ok? Proactive advice. He thinks I DO NOT KNOW. That things are ok.

Unlike RR, I have been and survived hell as I know it. I am a master (would use word "mistress" but it would remind me of my x)of the 180 and can plan B outta my pocket in a heartbeat.

Why did this have to happen? I was beginning to rebuild a tiny bit of faith in him. I haven't trusted in so many years. This truly bites the big one.

I am going to fix a cocktail. Skyy vanilla and diet ginger ale w/crushed ice. And to think 2 weeks ago he asked if I had decided where we'd go on our trip? He tossed out Key West (my thoughts), Destin, Orlando, or New Orleans...As of right now, I have ANOTHER DESTINATION THAT I WANT TO TELL HIM TO VISIT...QUITE A BIT SOUTH FROM EVEN KEY WEST AND MUCH HOTTER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Peachy,

I'd just be up front with him. Ask about it. Maybe it was left up and he was just too lazy to take it down.

Or maybe he has different expectations or he wants something different from what you want.

I wouldn't just be busy with no explanation. That is too much like a headgame.

And I'm not sure what you'd hope to gain from the divorce-busting 180 and the Plan B protection phase. This isn't a marriage, or even a long-term relationship that you need to fight for.

Either you two care enough and are compatible enough, or you're not.

Just my 2 cents.

GG:

Yea, it's not a r with a committment. But similar principles can be used and are good. You can modify some of them to fit the sitch.

What I don't know is if I should even mention it at all? I mean, at the end of the day, I chose to put mine up b/c I was sensing something amiss; awry.

He's said that he wanted to take things slow but that he hadn't been dating for a while.

And it showed GG that he was online within 24 hours. So he's active online. This would explain the behavior of the last 3 weeks completely.

Meanwhile, I still haven't gone out w/anybody else, althoug I've been asked. He had said he wasn't and offered that up first or I wouldn't have mentioned it at all. And the absences during when I have my son says it all.

Hmm. 24 hours? Too busy to see you when your son is around?

Obviously not long-term.

If you are looking for long-term.... or you think you could end up caring big-time for this man, I'd say politely explain you feel the two of you aren't suited and drop him quick.

If you just want some fun dates, and you don't think you'll fall in love with him, I'd say put it all on the table. Talk about the ground rules, and see where it goes.

If I were you, I wouldn't waste time 180ing a man who doesnt' want children, or children who are not his own. Not worth the effort, and if you end up married, you'll rue it.

Oh Peachy-

I am sooooo sorry to hear this. I was really hoping all your suspicions were going to turn out to be unfounded.

I think greengables has given you some great advice. I second being upfront with him. I mean why not be? You have nothing to loose.

I also second the advice on ending it with him since longterm seems to be your objective. There just seems to be so much out there about him that leads to you being hurt. Sure you could just go on and have fun, but you have started to have feelings for him and at that point the no expectations, just fun relationship stuff seems to go out the window.

To answer your question from your other post about why dating has to be so difficult this time around. I truly have no idea. Maybe it is just the age we are at. I mean many of the men our age have gone through a painful divorce or break up and are now left feeling leary of the whole idea of a committed relationship and the possibility of being hurt again. It has been my experience that the women I know are more willing to open up and make themselves vulnerable again.

Then there are the other men who have never settled down, but have seemingly grown into the pattern and lifestyle of being older, but still single boys and have no intention of changing their ways.

Either way, it makes for slim pickings for us. I don't know, I am definately not an expert here and am currently at a standstill in my own relationship so my advice is probably not that good anyway.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I really feel for you and will think about this for a while to see if I have anything to offer.

Take care and God bless!
K

Just Peachy...

I know you are angry..thank goodness though that this guy isn't going to be in the picture for long. Unfortunately there is alot of these type of guys out there.

I wanted to give you this excerpt: I use this years ago... when I fallen prey to these type of men. I stop dating and started looking inwards... why am I picking the worse type.

***********************************************

HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER!

Falling in love with the commitmentphobe is the easiest thing in the world to do! The thing about the commitmentphobe is that he (or she) usually comes on very strong in the beginning stages of the relationship. They will hold nothing back to win the heart of their 'victim'. They spend money freely, lavish you with gifts, smother you with attention, compliment your every move, rush to help you out, paint your living room, change your oil...etc. They quickly make you feel extremely special - and lovable - and very desirable - and wanted - and attractive - and wonderful - and, well, you get the picture <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is hard to resist falling in love with the commitmentphobe! How can you resist someone who thinks that you are just so incredibly special and adorable? They will even make references to the future using the 'we' word, making you believe that a future with this man (woman) is indeed possible - and probable! (If you question the commitmentphobe about past relationships, they will probably tell you about many failed relationships - but make you believe it was just because they hadn't found anyone as 'wonderful' and 'special' as you!)

Beginning Stages

he comes on strong and shows more interest in you than you do in him
he tells you that you are special, or indicates your ‘specialness' in other ways
even though he has many failed relationships, he makes you feel that it was just because he has never met anyone like you
he goes out of his way to impress you
he comes on as ‘needy' and ‘vulnerable', you almost feel sorry for him
he hints around that he is looking for a more ‘permanent' and stable relationship, and drops clues of marriage
goes out of his way to be with you, do things for you, even canceling other plans and disrespecting his friends
he calls you up just to say ‘hi' - often
he refers to you both in the future sense, "when 'we' go to Bahamas 'next year', I want to buy you that..."
he acts as if you are the number one priority in his life
he is sympathetic to women's plights, and often belittles other men who treat women poorly
he goes out of his way to earn your trust
he tries to convince you to ‘commit' to him exclusively or sexually
What can I say - by now you're sunk!

Once he has won your heart over is when you start getting very subtle hints and clues that there is something very terribly wrong about the relationship. But you are so 'brainwashed' from his massive 'win-you'over' campaign that it doesn't even occur to you that this man has problems. After all, he is MADLY in love with you - he would never leave you!

Middle of the Relationship

he seems to be very slowly and gradually diminishing his time, calls, and attentiveness towards you
he is sending you mixed messages and confusing his emotions, "come here - go away"
he compartmentalizes his life with you and his life without you
he is uncomfortable in your ‘territory', i.e. your friends, family, and social group
he starts to make you less of a priority in his life and he has ‘rational' reasons why - which you buy because 'he is just sooooo in love with you'
your sex life changes - he may become less aggressive, leaving you to initiate sex more
your time together starts to become scheduled. You feel more like a ‘duty' or a ‘chore' of his, then an actual part of his life. There is *His Life* and then there is *His Life With You*. You are not allowed in *His Life* - you are excluded from meeting/knowing his friends, family, career associates, etc., they are considered 'forbidden territory' to you. You are not included in his hobbies, sports, weekend activities, children, etc.
he twists your simple expectations, accusing you of pressuring him with 'demands', and he turns your innocent requests into accusations that you are 'nagging' and 'trying to control' him
your needs aren't getting met, and you feel as if he isn't really ‘listening' to you, or ‘hearing' what you are saying
he points out the good things about you, but acts almost resentful and uncomfortable when you display these things
there seems to be some issues that make it hard for him to easily visit you or stay with you (i.e. you live too far, he doesn't like your cat)
he starts major fault-finding, and blatantly points out your flaws - real or imagined (this is the stage where your ego is crushed and your self-esteem takes a massive nose-dive. He will concentrate on the one thing about you that you CAN'T change - such as your religion, your height, your skin tone, your family, your financial status, etc.) He exaggerates your faults and flaws to enormous proportions
you start to suspect he is seeing others
he lies to you about his life ‘outside' of you
he agrees to change and makes a big show of remorse. He acts confused and conflicted - you actually feel sorry for him
the relationship stops growing, and he refuses to ‘talk' about the relationship, or avoids making committed changes
It is at this stage in the relationship that you think you just need to love him stronger, or do even more 'wifely' things for him. You cook his favorite foods, wear your sexiest negligees - etc. BUT the more you love him - the more you end up pushing him away. The more you try to be an 'understanding wife' figure, the more he feels the impending threat of 'commitment'. Your loving intentions only serve to drive the commitmentphobe further away.

He will start to find fault in you - this is his way of always having an 'out'. He stores these 'flaws' subconsciously, thinking to himself, "well, I could NEVER marry her - I couldn't possibly spend my life with a woman who is only 5'1" - I love long legs!" He needs these flaws to use as an excuse when the time comes to exit (and the time WILL come!)

The problem with the Middle Stage is that in your mind you are still in the Beginning Stage. You still think he is madly head-over-heels in love with you and would never, ever leave you. You are still delusional from the intensity of his 'beginning' love. You start to think that maybe you are doing something wrong, and so you try harder to show him your love. You even do 'wifely' things to show him how good a wife you would be if he were to marry you. All this does is drive the fear of commitment closer to his conscious mind and he starts to panic! He needs to get out of the relationship because he feels like he can't breathe. Being around you causes him anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, since he is a commitmentphobe that means he can't commit - either way. He can't commit to being with you forever, yet he can't commit to not being with you forever, either. So, he can't find the courage to leave you. Thus, he decides that he will make you do the leaving!

The End of the Relationship

he finds constant fault with you
he starts dating other women, in hopes that you will catch him (yet, surprisingly, if you do catch him he will cry and beg for forgiveness - that's because he still can't commit to not having you!)
he spends less and less time with you
he ignores your needs and wants
The hardest breakup in the world is that with the commitmentphobe. You are left confused, wondering what you did wrong. He loved you so much that you must have done something terribly wrong to kill that love. You have been belittled, insulted, and nit-picked to the point where your ego is crushed, you have low self-esteem, you feel rejected, unloveable, unworthy, unacceptable, and excluded. You wonder how anybody would ever want to be with you - you are just so horrible. And the funny thing is is that you want to get him back because you believe only he can make you feel better. Because it is he who made you feel so bad.

The commitmentphobe isn't a bad person - he just simply has a phobia of being 'trapped', much as a claustrophobic fears confinement in small places, or a demophobic fears being in crowds. This fear is so intense that, even though he can love another very much, he feels an intense need to be 'free' of them. Feeling pressured for a commitment can cause him to have a panic attack. He searches for a way out in the end just as hard as he searched for a way 'in' in the beginning.

Tigress Luv.

That is awesome Wiz! Thanks. And ironically that sounds much more like my xh. That was the exact pattern of my former M.

Now for the guy, I will say that he has said he wanted to take things slower in that older quote "we need to go slowly b/c something good isn't built overnight." He isn't really a committment phobe b/c he dated a girl for six years. But I think he's stuck and doesn't know what to do.

And after thinking quite a bit last night, and talking to one of my best guy friends, I think all I am going to do is back up myself and have more space. Let him have more space, but let above all ME have more space. Sure the guy has talked about his feelings on M and is for it, but doesn't wanna rush into anything. And I do not as well either.

I think it might have been me who was wanting to speed things up as let's face it...My life for the last 3 years was filled with incredible stressors and I had probably one of the worst divorces here...Deep down it sure would be nice to have that handsome prince ride up and tell me he's come to rescue me. Funny thing is, I rescue myself. All the time. I believe I will use the guys's words myself. Why should I rush into anything? Why? I went thru pure hell and deserve a year or two of solace before jumping again into a serious R.

And Tim, my bud said "a lot of guys he knows will find a girl that they might think has the qualities of that one person, that one right person for them, but because of whatever reason, they will try to still see that person and continue to date others but not make a committment for a long while." He said that's how his friend Scott did. He dated his gf (now finacee) for over a year before they made any sort of committment. That she almost completely dumped Scott several times. That's what Tim thinks is going on.

I've only been divorced since the end of december. I am in no race. The x already remarried ok? Nothing to prove. And for once, I am happy with me. Been in a good place for about ironically 6 mos. now. It's just that sometimes it is really hard to be this strong all the time. You know you have the ability to make it in life, but sometimes you just wish that somebody could be there after work to pat you on the back or give you a hug or run your son over to soccer practice if you're so tired you can barely stand up. I feel like a pie. A pie that's been all sliced up. One huge slice for son, medium slice for work, small slices for house, pets, friends, family, chores, bills, etc...Funny thing is there isn't a slice left for me. I feel like every part of me is spoken for. If I had the money, I swear I'd check myself into a "critical care day spa"...for the seriously stressed out.

So what will I do? I am going to back way off from RR. I am sure he will notice and after he does, then I will talk to him. I think givng me more space will be good as well. So that's the not so incredible plan.

Peachy your last post is simply awesome. You have so many great points in it. I think backing off is the best thing you can do for YOU right now. Remember to back off, but don't be catty. Don't play games and be upfront if RR should ask, but I am sure you will be wonderful because you are always a lady.

You are so right about all you have overcome and all you do for yourself and wanting someone to help with it. I love your analogy of the pie because I feel the very same way. When will it be our time? Granted I wouldn't change my life or my kids for anything, but there are so many times that I can't help but ask what about me? Then to think that our XH's have the twits by their sides helping them, reassuring them, comforting them, it really is so unfair. Thank God we are strong, but sometimes being strong and capable are highly overrated!

I too keep dreaming of the white knight who will come and rescue me from all of this, but then I remember that this is real life not a fairy tale.

Hang in their Peachy and keep this positive perspective. You are an incredible woman! Don't forget it.

Take care and God bless!
K

hmmm....well here I go opening my big mouth...or typing stuff I shouldn't type, but what the heck. I do stand alone sometimes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Too busy to see you when your son is around? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read this before in the other posts...but my take on it is that he's sensitive to how this *relationship* might effect this little boy. What *IF* this man got close to this little man and the relationship didn't work? How would that effect this child? Why not ask him right out, "Why do we not see eachother when my son is around?" -- communication

As for the website. I dated a guy that also had his *ad* on a website and he was totally committed. It didn't work out for us (mutual choice) and he is now married to another (I am TOTALLY thrilled..she's perfect for him --- and he didn't meet her on the net) -- he has honestly forgotten about the ad, and I know for a fact he's oblivious to the ad. It doesn't matter. Again, why don't you ask him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I chose to put mine up b/c I was sensing something amiss; awry.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you talk to him about this? What are you sensing that is amiss?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And it showed GG that he was online within 24 hours. So he's active online. This would explain the behavior of the last 3 weeks completely. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are not talking about this, why wouldn't he be on line? You've not mentioned anything to him and you've *cooled* it, so why wouldn't he be looking? I don't understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've only been divorced since the end of december. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They say it takes one year of recovery for every 4 years of marriage. I agree!

I know I picked pieces of this whole thread and commented on just a few bits -- and that may be incredibly unfair. Peachy -- you do need time for yourself and your last post showed that. Dating is hard work and something not to be rushed into. The men I have dated have all been wonderful (3 years since being divorced). What I did learn was to be brutally honest with my expectations. I learned that these men don't know these things by osmosis. They don't know what I want unless I tell them, and I don't know if I want to spend more time with them if I don't ask those questions that I really want to know. There were times where I too questioned, "oh if I ask that question he'll go running!" I learned that *if* he went running after I asked my question then he obviously wasn't the man I wanted to spend more time with. I want a man that I can be brutally honest with and communicate with. I lived in a marriage for 20 years with a man who never talked and never said anything to me. I will never do that again.

I too dated one man who never was around when I had the kids for the weekend. Now....I thank him and have thanked him for being sensitive to the needs of my children. He wanted to be sure that it was meant to be before involving other emotions other than just mine or his.

It's hard work...this dating stuff. I pray and ask God for guidance all the time and one of the things that I learned from listening...is how to communicate better with the men in my life.

Thanks K and E...

Elan: I also think it somewhat has to do w/son and son's feelings. He has met son one time and did so under careful circumstances. No way would son think anything about it except that he's a nice guy...met us at greenbelt for jogging and he rollerbladed and my son rode his bike. Now as for the ad thing...He was oneline and was within one day. That combined with the absolutely stuuuuupid statement me made either a week or two ago...the whole "well I mean you can see him (old guy I used to date and the ortho)as friends. That's not a problem. Just don't kiss him or touch him basically". That's basically what he said. Then I fired back with the "are you on crack" speech about him asking me to do things like that without a committment..So I am taking this as he's definitely now seeing somebody else...maybe a few. But trying to make me have some kind of boundaries...I mean this is the guy who exclaimed to the internet world that he wants a girl he can make out on the couch with all night???? Methinks a little cake eating is going on here..Keep the good girl on the back burner and see her just enough to keep the relationship going but whenever the chance arises, date around without disclosing anything. It's like the gays in the military thing...Don't ask and don't tell.

It was wierd. Talked to him on Sunday last week but Sat. night he worked ER. Got off at 2 am. He called on Sunday and ironically, all friday I heard nothing from him. He said "well what did you do friday?" first. He then before I could answer said "well, I was so tired I fell asleep". Then I told him I went to a party. It's like he is trying hard not to admit he's seeing other people.

What I need help with is WHEN AND HOW do I bring this up? I mean, it's wierd and uncharted territory for me. I always had a bf in college. Had 2 serious ones so I never had to deal with this. NOT EVER. Limbo dating. Where you really really like somebody and then They really like you as well and then...after a few months when it's either COMMIT or BOLT, you just get stuck...sitting in that place not knowing to move ahead or do a U-ie and go back from where you came. I almost feel like saying "Yea, go ahead. Meet whoever you want online b/c most of them don't look like their pics btw...Be my guest. Try to find somebody like me. I dare ya." That's what the evil twin of me wants to say. Because at the end of the day, I know who it is that I am. My confidence is pretty much back in me. Today got tons of emails and lots of ; back at me which is cool. And a phone call from the cute guy I went to college/family went to college with. I may go out again with him next week.

K: Yea, it's hard going it alone. You gotta be tough, strong, aggressive in work, deal with the evil tag team duo (my x and the wistress), and at same time manage to look cute, keep ourselves up and our appearances up despite less money to do that with, and be the SUPERMOM 24/7...Of course, it's actually Supermom that I am first above all. I feel like I have the Yuppie flu or something maybe.

Is it me or does single parents suffer alot from complete exhaustion? I mean damn it it's not fair. Our x's get somebody, no matter how dumb or ignorant, or sleazy the op is, have somebody to back them up. To agree with them. To do some of the little things. I swear, when a man opens a door for me, I just almost swoon over at him.

Maybe it was because RR was attentive. Because we were friends. Because he chased me alot. Because he remembers stuff. That I fell for the guy. He wasn't the most successful, attractive, or best dressed guy. In fact I think I opened up for him because he was NOT like my x in every respect. And he's smart too. Another contrast to X.

It is amazing when you have that "epiphany" feeling. I had it last night..Maybe the Skyy helped. Not sure. But had one. But I am doing the 180 modified of course for dating..And then I am going to not really worry about doing any A stuff b/c I think his ego is inflating enough. I am going to A me instead. Do good stuff for me. Dunno how, but will find a way.

But I've had the epiphany ironically that in 180 they say you should "act like you've had". But I really have had one. Seeing the profile up and reading what he wrote made me wake up and smell the cappucino. Methinks on the way to the park this afternoon I shall stop at Starbucks btw.

So what I am going to do is embrace this new strong person I've become. Drink more caffeine so that I can not fall asleep by nine pm. Do this until I can't do it anymore and IF MR. RIGHT COMES ALONG, HE DOES. '

Well, I was separated for a year and a half and have been D'd for seven months now. So I am about ready I think for a relationship.

Going to the park in a bit w/son. Getting lunch for the park together and we're just gonna spend the day together and have a blast. Doing a whole buncha nothing. Last night we played Monopoly Jr. and Tiddleywinks...Remember that one?

Before bed I took a tylenol pm and slept like a rock. Woke up with NO hangover (Skyy supposedly doesn't give you one plus the tylenol helped) and a surprisingly clearer head over this.

Only way to deal with this is to think it through. So lemme know how and when you'd approach this subject. It's almost as though we've already been somewhat down this road a week or so ago with the "date him but don't let him touch you" thing...

Why do you have to committ or bolt now?

when I was in college I dated a bunch of men/boys at the same time. (Thank heavens for women's colleges!) That was so much fun. I never got really serious about any of them, but one turned into a good friend.

4 months of dating just seems so short in terms of making a committment, unless you're having sex. Sex changes everything.

If I were you, I'd just call him up and say that you saw his ad on the computer and that maybe you two need to clarify what you each want from this relationship.

After all, you can't go wacko on him since your ad is up.

I doubt this helps much, Peachy. You and I are coming from different points. You seem to want a relationship. I'm a commitment phobe who would probably attack the knight trying to rescue me! Oh, well. I wish you the best.

Know what? I found my boyfriend's MSN profile. It says that he is "Single and Looking".

.

.

.


It also says he is 28.

.

.

(He hasn't updated it since before he met me!)

.

Just out of curiosity, does your RR's profile have a date modified? Could it be old?

.

I found my ex's profile on Yahoo when we were still together but planning to separate. If I could recall his ID I bet it is still out there... it sure cracked me up at the time!

HA! I found it ... XH profile ... no personal info and the email is no longer valid. We were not separated at that time. Gosh, I wonder if his lady friend's profile is still up ...

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

GG: Ha. I understand completely about the damsel attacks knight scenario. And no, am still in the biblical sense in da convent, but have had some decent somewhat moments...and yes, I put my profile up but that was because well, something wasn't right. Am a Dr. Phil nut and believe his words of where if people's words and actions don't mesh, then follow the actions...His weren't meshing. Despite his words of affirmation and admiration and affection basically.

So no, I can't get mad, but I do NOT have up in my profile that I want to spend the night on my couch with a strange man swapping spit until dawn...No, that is a bit much imho. And I can't believe he wrote that.

And thanks XPB!

Recent: Heck yes it's recent. It shows he was online today in fact. And we haven't talked in 2 days now. Guess somebody has been busy...so busy that they can't check on my son or make a five minute call.

Isn't a hoot when we find our xh's profile there? My friend Tim, also a doc, found my xh's two years ago. He said he was divorced, a wonderful family man, and that he wanted to "take an appreciative woman on a shopping spree" and that "he stayed in the finest of resorts and took many vacations"...Meanwhile I was scrimping to get by and was basically destitute.

And now here I've got this guy I've been seeing for 4 months almost with emblazoned across the internet..."Are You That Girl"...I've thought about sending him an email saying...Hope you've had a great weekend. And that your couch is clean and free of DNA. Son is doing fine..Kindest Regards, THAT GIRL...you know, that girl you work with.

Kinda like "Shop Girl" from You've Got Mail...but a bit more well...angrier...

More I think of it madder I get in fact. My resolve is kinda even firmer...But I am doing all right now.

I never guessed until a few years ago that the internet could become the perfect place for those dishonest to come out and play virtually all day and night.

But it seems to be working for me, my profile that is...an adorable professional guy three years older and in same suburb as me emailed and is really nice or so he would somewhat appear to be but as of yesterday I was more of like GG in the mode of "Damsel in Distress Attacks Knight on Horse"..

Peachy, stop wasting time on him. Stop it now.

He's not for you, and isn't it good you found out now?

But...... That shouldn't stop us from having some fun. Can you email some of us the link and we can send him hilarious crank emails.

I could use some fun.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I need help with is WHEN AND HOW do I bring this up? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A.S.A.P. girl!!!

As GG said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Peachy, stop wasting time on him. Stop it now.

He's not for you, and isn't it good you found out now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cut him loose.......

Hi Peachy:

I've been reading your dating threads. You are a great author, girl, with a lot of talent. Did you know that?

I am from Northern Europe and have no clue about American dating, so this is very interesting in a general sense to me. Dating seems so complicated...

One thing I noticed and wanted to bring to your attention: You put up a dating profile on the web, while you were dating RR in real life. What if he's seen yours as well? Shouldn't you measure with equal measures here?

Just a thought...and lots of luck in finding your Prince Charming (Castle, white horse and all...for an idea I'd recommend "Kate and Leopold", that Hugh Jackman guy on the white horse in Central Park...what a keeper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

All the best to you, Peachy

Hey Ice!

Wow...Europe huh? Neat.

In response to your question, I first had that sinking feeling that something was not quite right...the weekend calls and contact when I've had my son significantly diminished over the last 3 weeks along with the physical signs that something was up. His actions did not match his words...He could be sitting by me and still not look directly at me in the eye. Classic guilt behavior but we're not formally committed in any way. And acted strange when we spent time together. Like again, couldn't look at me and wasnt as affectionate, which he was before alot.

Just strangeness. Like when he outta the blue holds my hand while we're having a little talk before I drop him off at the hospital nearby.

That's what made me wonder. And so I did that, putting it up, only after last week he made the stupidest statement I've almost ever heard (my xh has said the most absurd by far though)...the talk about "well you can see other guys and be friends with them but don't kiss them or let them touch you." That was the huuuuge red flag. I got the message and thought I might out to just do my own thing for a while. So I have. And then commisurated over this fact and took profile off two more times during this week but put it back up again as I found out he was online the whole time and is checking it every day...

In fact, saw he was online today at work. So I am doing somewhat of an ignoring/do my own thing and 180 thing so that he will ACTIVELY notice that I am not talking to him.

Also, we are on different online services so he may not know my profile is up...unless he's doing alot of thinking and surfing. Me? I am a chronic thinker. Plus my friend helped me (he's a doc). Takes a guy sometimes to know a guy. And friend doubts that RR has figured out that I know what's up. That he doesn't have a clue I am aware of this.

Now...

GG contrary to your wishes, love ya but am not yet ready to totally toss him out...yea, we've been seeing each other for almost four mos. now...and I too have decided to not rush into stuff...

I want everybody to give me their .02 and lemme know how you would proceed with this tomorrow as I have to reenter the clinic realm. Am doing sales and mkg today for my company. Will be back in clinic tues thru friday. Son goes back to Jethro on thurs., and this is something RR knows well.

How do I act? Do I even bring it up? Or do I just sit back and see? I am doing the back off thing now...no calls, no asking, nothing basically. BTW...when I quit speaking or talking to 2 other guys I dated this year, it took them about 2 weeks of NC (dating version ok) for them to freak out and start trying to change stuff...One of them is still very much pursuing (guy I knew in college...NOT hilltop neighbor ok) and I might go out w/him again and give last chance. He too was non committal.

Peachy, you have mail.

Okay Peachy-

I say play it cool, but polite at work. Don't approach the subject at all unless RR brings it up. Remain cool, calm, and collected. Focus on you, keep busy, stay upbeat. If he does bring it up I say be upfront with him. What have you really got to loose? Besides, I personally think the not knowing what's up is driving you nuts. I think you'd be better off to hear what he wants whatever that may be. You know the waiting is the hardest part. You're already proof that you can survive anything once you know what it is so lets get the cards on the table.

That said, I don't know how much of my relationship advice I would take if I was you as I seem to be really floundering in my own relationship lately. It seems that BF and I can't seem to get over this hump. Of course it could be that he is taking the ignore it and it will go away approach, which simply does not work and is not how I opperate. I love him dearly and truly enjoy being with him. The problem is that the more time that goes on the more I realize that we have some fundamental differences in our priorities and now that I realize it I can't ignore it. He of course says I am over reacting, but that's it, I'm not.

This weekend my XH is taking the kids for four days to go out of town. I thought it would be a good time for BF and I to take some extra time, have some fun, and get things worked out. Now tonight he calls and says his best friend is thinking of joining us for the weekend and he wants to know if I am okay with it. Hello? He is well aware of the strain on our relationship these last couple of weeks and what? Now he wants to haul along a friend to avoid dealing with the problems? Wonderful!

I told him that he was welcome to go spend the weekend with his best friend, but considering the tension between us lately I would most likely go do something else. He then was like, "Great, my best friend calls and wants to get together this weekend, the only weekend he can do it all summer and now you are telling me I have to choose between the two of you." You know I have nothing against his friend, but the timing stinks. I know the way I feel that I could never go along with it and put on the happy facade and I really feel the weekend would do us more harm than good so I am bowing out.

Do you have any suggestions? I am trying very hard to keep my cool, but I feel like everything I am trying to say is being ignored or misinterpretted. I don't want to fight, but I feel we have to address our issues.

Well, now I have hijacked your thread and blabbed on about my own problems. I'm sorry.

Best of luck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

Take care and God bless!
K

Wow that's tough. The friend thing and if you object could be seen as LB...Hmmm. I almost think that it would be fine to bring friend along, but talk to bf and tell him that because there's been some stress between you two, could you two schedule during the weekend a few hours just the two of you alone? What are the plans exactly? I know I would schedule either an outing for a few hours together..hiking or something. And then you could have some valuable "me" time while another time during the weekend he does something w/his buddy. That way you're looking pro friend, allowing for their quality time, and for your time to talk and hopefully work thru the crud. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just .02.

As you were probably posting to me, or maybe one hour earlier, RR calls last night (predictable). Explains his dad and stepmom came in town and called him about 2 hours after I talked to him. He had mentioned his dad was "thinking" about coming to town this weekend but he hadn't heard from him. They have very strained relationship b/c his dad basically pulled a complete "Jethro" on his mom...He then goes on and on disclosing how he had 1 hour to get his apt. ready for them (step nit picks) and figure out how in the heck and what in the heck they'd do. He wasn't lying because he felt awful and really disclosed a lot more about his dad including some very bad stuff...His dad asked him about who he was seeing (he said me--yea revelation huh?) And his dad's response (I haven't met his dad or his mom yet.) was "now she has a little boy right? Women don't stray or run off when they're tied to the home son. And that way you'd be a dad at the fun part of a kids' childhood and miss all the diapers and crud." It infuriated R. He then got blasted and was told by his dad that because he was a "women's libber" (he's not, but is just a regular millenium kinda guy), that women would run all over him for the rest of his life. That happened at a restaurant and his dad said that in front of the step. He said he kept his composure but knew it must be hell in their life. Dad is so much like my xh it's not funny. It's all about him. He only got to spend a few hours alone with his dad and that was when his dad gave his cc to the step so she could go shopping. Incidentally, RR has a stepbrother I think but he has never been around him as they were completely raised in separate households and strained is putting it nicely.

Ironically, my best friend back home who's a model w/a masters' degree and fine person on the inside...actually her insides are much more incredible than her outers...has had a crisis. First was w/her job and second was w/her bf. She's been dating him 1.5 years w/ 8 mos. of that being committed. Thought he was the one she was going to marry. I've met him and he's nice. A bit older (10 years) but nice and a cute guy. RR has talked via phone to my best friend b/c she suffers from migraines frequently and had viral meningitis last year and was hospitalized. His specialty used to be neuro. Anyway, she busted Mike her bf online (he's an airline pilot and is away flying about half the month...kinda like Pat's x). She was at his house and he had auto sign on to his email service and she briefly used it to send an email to her brother when she accidentally saw his in box. Turns our her Mr. Right has been online on same dating site. He's been getting emails from women from the cities he's been flying into. His profile showed him living in another city btw...She called on other line while i was talking to RR last night so I had to call him back after I calmed her down.

Anyway, I told RR conveniently that T, my best friend's story. I told her about how she had "trusted him very much and believed that they had some sort of a future together but he blew it up by that dating thing." He kinda sat there and just was quiet. I then told him how tomorrow Mike is going to get a box shipped to him w/all their pics and all gifts he bought T. He is based this week in another midwest city...That she saw the light, it hurt her, but she's done for good. I asked RR "well I don't get it. If you have something that is more than good in your life, then why would you wanna go and wreck it like that? I mean what do you think about that? What do you think about what Mike did?" He was quiet for a long while. Then he said that he thought that if somebody has a committment then that is that. No excuses for it. That when he marries, he will do it one time and one time only. That he's not a clone of his dad and that when the "c" word flies outta his mouth, it is not something he'd just say. That a "c" talk would be followed by an "e" talk thereafter.

I kinda think he got it. Anyway, he shows up wearing my favorite shirt he has today at work. He wanders into my lab about 10 am and is friendly but I'm seeing patients and am still doing the "back off, be quiet, let him think" thing. He waits until usual time for lunch (pizza hut today again) and I don't go...Yea, I didn't go to lunch today. He called and I said that I had an early day and am leaving so I could go and spend time with son (which I am now and getting ready to go either to pool or to park)and have lunch w/son. He says he'll call tonight.

I think he kinda gets it now. Haven't checked to see if he was online today, but I think maybe I am adding too much thunder to his playboy ways...maybe in the recesses of his mind he wishes he could be like that...but somehow I just don't get that he's gonna be a playboy. Sure, he may be trying to meet women or like my friend Tim said, he might have had this online thing up the whole time I've dated him...months even..and I am going to kinda keep it under my hat and watch it from afar.

I mean, I have my own life and that's cool. He asked me last night how I think "we'd be able to spend time together this week?" I asked him what's up? He goes on call five to midnight for several days towards end of week and is in ER saturday day part and then goes on call until midnight w/only a 2 hour downtime between both..He has to do that really bad one day thing only once a month though. But can have a decent day on sunday. So he asks if I wanna go to a late movie one night after son goes to his dads and if I'd like to do something maybe on Sunday which could be like a more "normal" date...

I told him that "I'd think about it and tell him tonight." I want him to sweat a while and think about it carefully.

Well, we'll watch and see. I am not going to cut myself off from the outside world and from dating around anytime soon. Either way, I am not going to just date only him anymore. He'd have to give the "c" thing talk then resign from dating site if that were to be the case. But I am not worrying about that now.

Gotta go. I am going to have fun w/ my boy! He's the best ever.