Peachy,
I love the way you write and describe all the things in your life, even the way you communicate about the crud.
Communication is the key to all relationships, not that I am in a committed one with a significant other, or any sort of expert in these matters, but in reading your dilemma, I just want to add my .00000000001c's worth.

Until you are in a committed relationship you are both free to play, date (both on and off line) and test the waters as RR seems to be doing. Only once you have committed to each other, then this would be off limits and communication would express your "desires and undesires"

Your agenda and his agenda at this point in time might not quite be at the same place and this can lead to lots of misunderstanding and seeming head games. Now even if the agendas are in sync, it is the timing where each of you have to get to the same place to make this a committed relationship, if that is what you both want with each other.

So communicate with him and also give him the space to make sure YOU are the one, so when or if he does want to commit to you, it is without hesitation, hidden agendas or minefields waiting to explode down the line. After all neither of you , it seems, want to make an error in judgement-he has his dad's modelling which he does not want to emulate and you have the Jethro history and especially your son to consider.

Good luck and enjoy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Peach-

It seems to RR seems to have a fear of commitment, which stems from his own father and family history. With everything you have written it seems that RR's father is not only egocentric, but verbally demeaning as well. This can lead to a whole bunch of stuff. RR may very well be so leary of history repeating itself that he may shy from commitment to make sure it never happens. Who knows. Whatever the case, both of you have a lot of baggage that you are dealing with so take things slow, keep your options open, and have fun.

Enjoy your time with your son. I happen to have a six year old who is having a very bad day and trying her best to make life miserable for the rest of us as well, but I too am looking forward to having some fun tonight hanging out with the kids.

Thanks for the advice on the BF. I really don't want to lb, but he is making it almost impossible. When I mentioned us needing some alone time he was like, "Do you really expect me to be that rude and tell him/them, if his wife comes along, that we need a little time to ourselves?" I calmly mentioned that considering the fact that we don't live together or even near eachother that I think they'd understand. Of course he was like I just don't think that will be possible. It's like a no win situation. Who knows, we are talking tonight so hopefully we can work it out. Oh relationships!

Hope you had a fun time with your son. Let us know what you decide about the dates with RR. Good luck!

Take care and God bless!
K

Peachy:

What specialty is your BF in. Is he an MD or what? ALso, what do you do, I see you talk about seeing patients and working in the lab. NP, MD, RN? Just curious. I think you have a humorous personality (this is a compliment) and have enjoyed reading your posts.

I work in a small small specialty. No, am not MD NP or RN, but I have my BS in this field and quite a few years (five) in this subspecialty. I try to be a teeny bit anonymous somewhat on the internet b/c there aren't alot of people who do what I do. But it's cardiac. He has his Mmsc. Not a doc, but you can guess what.

And no not my BF.

I am going to send out a huuuge vent..

XH IS SELLING MY FORMER DREAM HOME WHICH HAS NO EQUITY IN FOR OVER 300K MORE THAN WHAT WE BOUGHT IT FOR. He kept the house claiming it had no equity as we'd just bought it, and that of course I couldn't afford to make the payments. Bought it for 510 3 years ago btw.

Emails me and lets me in on it as I'd probably find out on my own. Then says he'll "take care of me" when it sells. What in the beejesus does that mean? It better mean some dinero.

I fumed for last 3 hours and had a sobfest before picking up son today.

Oh, and Mr. Could be Wonderful was back online. I admit it. I checked. Active within 24 hours.

Avoided him again at lunch. Ate 30 minutes earlier than usual.

I almost broke under pressure after finding out about the 300k after I read emails after last patient. Called his cell and briefly told him about it and forwarded it to him. He was working a bit doing emr stuff but maybe quite possibly because I was so distraught, I blurted out "hey...is everything ok with you and I?" "I mean, we're not talking as much or so it would seem." He says that everything is just fine and that he's been really busy lately that's all...Yea, really busy. One's fingers can get a bit fatigued from emailing strange women.

As for me? I am not giving in. Going to plow ahead with or without him.

Today was one of those "epiphany" days. When you just see things as they really are. My divorce sucked. It was horrible. I really got sc3ewed over. He got by with murder financially. I sobbed and broke down crying on the commute home today.

Sometimes I just have to wonder what all this life stuff is about? I love my son and that's my biggest blessing. HOnestly, I am so on the edge of just telling R that I am done with this. Probably a stress rx due to today, but I am l iterally so stressed out it's unbelievable.

I work all day, come home and take care of my boy, and then when he goes to zzzz, I do more work ...housework. I am so tired I almost fall asleep sometimes in the bubble bath.

Have PMS, at an unsure spot w/guy I've been seeing, attempting to try to see others in case he's playing me, be SUPERMOM (but lovin that part), work my bootie off, and have absolutely no help in any of it.

None.

Maybe I'm having a gigantic pity party. Or maybe it's a teensy little eensy bit of a micro breakdown today. I don't know.

But I feel like I am at the end of that darn proverbial rope and it doesn't feel to good lemme tell you.

I actually daydreamed on way home of Me being Sharon Stone's Character in the Quick and the Dead and my x being the guy she wayloads on.

Peachy,

I have to say, I would be in the same mood you are in right about now.

The thought of your X selling the home, for that much more, bites the big one!
I would say he better take care of you on this one. But, I'm sure Mrs. FV will step in to claim what she "thinks" is hers.

You sound mentally and physically exhausted.

I have no advice on RR. I have not yet mastered this dating stuff yet.
I wish you luck, and hope something positive comes your way.

Take care,
K

Hey Peach,

This the one you told me about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

arrrrgh.....

L.

Peachy-

((((((((((Big Hug)))))))))))

I am so sorry that everything seems to be crashing down on you. You are a wonderful woman and don't deserve this.

It just makes me ill to hear about Jethro selling the house and most likely making a huge profit. I have to wonder what his taking care of you means. I am sure FamilyValues will have a lot to say about that. It just is so unfair that there was no equity and now only months later it is worth so much more. Do you have any legal recourse?

As for RR, it is obvious that this whole thing with him being online is bothering you. I think for your own sanity you need to talk to him about it. You two seem to be at different stages in this whole dating game and I think it would do you a world of good to come clean and get this off your chest. Be direct, no beating around the bush. Guys tend to need to be ask something point blank. Do it nicely however. Even though this is upsetting you don't let the issues with Jethro magnify it and blow it up into something it's not. Remember, RR may not be turning out to be what you wanted him to be, but he isn't Jethro either.

I really feel for you hon. You deserve so much better. I wish there was something I could do to help lighten your load.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care and God bless!
K

Peachy - there seems to be to many games going on with this guy - it is like you already don't trust him and you are only dating him... I say you should either come straight out and ask him - stop playing games or just cut him loose... Don't you just want a hassle free relationship - ??? And as for Jethro selling the house - well it is his house and you never liked the fact that they were living in your house - so look at it like well they won't be in my house anymore and let it go.....

Yup. Had a complete meltdown yesterday.

RR knew it and he called last night and wanted to talk about it. We did. He thinks I should just sit back and wait and see what "take care of" means. He said if he were me, he'd go after him if he screws me over again...There's a clause in the divorce saying that if Jethro deliberately deceives me financially (worded a bit more legalese though), then I can reopen everything and that nothing is settled...

So that's good. Being able to reopen something. Lawyers knew Jethro at some point with regards to something would not be fair...as he wasn't fair through the whole d period. And yea, FV wants that prada hon. She's worked hard for her money. On her back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Today barely saw R. He was at lunch and was looking rather intense or distressed. Didn't talk and I walked by and got a diet coke. He handed me my pita and I left. We might try to see each other today but not sure.

I am stressed out to the max and have a headache that is the size of the empire state building. Thanks Reeling, my super friend Orchid, and Maw.
'
There's alot to mentally process right now so I am just going to sit back and think and do a bit of housework right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good morning Peachy-

I hope this finds you feeling better, both the headache and in spirits.

I am glad to hear that you do have legal recourse if good ol'Jethro makes a haul on the sale of the house. I do agree with the fact that them no longer living in it will be good for you however, it was a knife in your side that you no longer will have to deal with.

So are you going to do anything with RR? If so, take it SLOW and EASY! If not, go and do something fun for yourself, you deserve some pampering!

I know you have the weekend free, which is probably a good thing. I know you will miss your son, but now you can deal with the stuff you've been handed without having to worry about the perceptive little man in the house. Kids are so amazing, they pick up on everything.

I wish you a wonderful weekend my friend. My God shine down on you and give you a break!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Peachy,

Wanted to stop in and say, I agree with StillReeling.
Try to enjoy your weekend, and unwind from the crappy week you just went through.

I hope you have something fun planned to do.

Better days are coming. Good things come to those who wait!

Reopen that can of worms whenever you need to!

Take care,
K.

Thank you K. You are so sweet. I need to figure out how I can exchange email addys soon...a bit easier.

This week is getting wierder and wierder. I am doing and trying to take your advice but it ain't easy that's for sure.

Why is the old saying "when it rains it pours" accurate? Why is it when you are ready to just toss something aside that you get even more confused?

Ok here goes. RR usually goes out w/friends for trivia on thursd. nights...He ends night early about eight and comes over...No sooner he gets over we have a little bit of a talk. Says he has had alot on his mind (the internet chicks?) and that he's been wishy washy lately..Geez. No surprises there huh? That he'd been doing alot of thinking and that he didn't want to set things aside anymore. That he was beginning to see the "light" or whatever in the heck that means. Tells me he's sorry for everything and asks for me to forgive him and that he isn't going to let this happen again and tells me how much he has been missing me. And says "I almost screwed up completely...won't take you for granted again"...Geez. Again I didn't know I was taken for granted..Said "he didn't know why he did this or why it happened and didn't know what was going on with him. But that he's sorry and that's over." Dating fog?

Can people develop during dating fog? Apparently so. Maybe when they get on the verge of a committment, they get foggy and wierd. I think this may be a new key factor in the wierd strange and utterly alien world to us divorced people called "dating".

We have a great talk and things go fine. Watch a few tv shows and relax. He stays kinda late but goes home as I have to get up at five thirty to be at work at seven. Today at work he comes up to lab at eight forty five right after he gets in but I am doing an infusion. So no talking. As I am leaving we talk and he says that he'd like to do something tonight...but that he's really tired after last night and he hopes he'll be up to it but not to get angry with him..He is acting a bit more normal btw..

Oh, last night I tell him Im going to FL next weekend w/son. To just have some time away. He gets wierd look on his face. Outta the blue he says, can I go? I tell him that I am going w/my son. He says to "figure out a p.c. way for him to go..and tell him where I have reservations made so maybe he could get an extra room." Now I am ok with that. Says if we can figure out the best way to do this without disrupting son, then this is good. So now suddenly he goes from being not contacting during times I have son to being amenable to going outta town, respecting my "No sleepovers with guys" policy I have firmly in place with son in home, and actually wanting a little bit of quality time? I almost fell down off my chair when he said that. Said he'd be available early friday morning and we could leave about six am and drive down. He then brings up the Key West thing again ...the only grownups trip he wants to take.

Now this part is funny. I kinda quiz him to see if the guy has even paid attention to anything I had said previously...About 2 weeks ago we talked about going outta town and the destination of Key West was the one I picked out of the choices offered. That same weekend in our newspaper, the travel section on sunday ran a huge article, actually 2, on Key West. I kept the paper just for "in case". I show it to him and he opens it and says that he "didn't read the article about the butterfly exhibit, but that he read the other one and didn't like the bed and breakfast but liked the island hut resort in the mid keys." Ah ha! He did read it. Read the whole thing. He did actually put a bit of effort into it.


Am at work and get a call from the cute resident...he calls and asks for a date for tomorrow evening. Dinner and a movie. My favorite place for dinner and then the movie I pick out. Two of my coworkers are around when call comes in and they say "go..go ok?" They've seen him briefly and say that he reminds them of Dean Cain a bit...RR is in er tomorrow morning to afternoon and then on again tomorrow evening..so I couldn't go out w/him if I even wanted to.

Came home and I fell asleep myself. Till about thirty minutes ago from pure exhaustion. Today was hard. For three hours today I did nothing but i.v.'s. So I understand completely if RR is zzz as I might suspect he is. Then a few min. ago, get a call from the cute airline pilot I met..Thirty six and also finishing up his masters' and asks if we can go out tomorrow night..Already have date but say that I am busy with plans. He asks for sunday. Says we can go in the flight simulators if I want to.

Wow. This is wild. RR is off on sunday and that was the time he asked to do something. What do I do?

On a hunch I check his internet thing. Shows he was online within 24 hours. So he's checking it. Mostlikely, my best friend believes that he is literally at an invisible crossroad right now. He is stuck and is trying to make a decision. Either proceed ahead w/me...or not. It's even at a wierder place than we were a week or two ago. Last night we started talking about goofy stuff. We both love early REM and got into a strange talk about our favorite REM songs. He says..."When I get married, I don't know why we are going down this road but I think I should tell you this...now don't get mad ok, but I want to play "End of the World as We Know It". I really do. Some of my friends have had a tradition of playing it at their reception to kick it off." I give him a really wierd look and he looks at me and says "No. You didn't too.." I say yea, they in fact played that at my wedding to Jethro at the reception. Was not my request but a request by one of my friends who was imho, psychic or something.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> " He laughs and says..."If for some reason you are the other party involved in my wedding reception one day, does that mean I can't play it? Is it like a cursed song or something?"

That's where he is i think. He's stuck at the decision of being a bachelor and trying to be a dating one or giving it up for a ltr. I actually could see the confusion at times. It came out again, the confusion. He said after out stupid Rem/wedding reception talk, that "I should be thankful to the woman he had dated last year who was 10 years older than him b/c it helped him realize that a woman who was a mom could be attractive..(like we loose that capability or something when we give birth?)and that he is "Ok and good with fact I am a mom and that he likes my son alot" and then says that "this kinda thing might have made him back off earlier, but he's thought about it alot."

So that is it in a nutshell. The fact that no he wouldn't be in a relationship with just me, but fact he'd be around my son alot and whether or not he'd be ready to be an instant stepdad. When he was talking about it, his eyes got kinda big like he was saying something kinda huge for him. Asked me last night also what Jethro looked like as I've never told him. I tell him he's about six one, black hair, olive /tan skin, and hazel eyes. He says...Well how did your son get blonde hair and blue eyes? He looks just like you? I say...My wicked cool recessive genes..He then looked a bit confused again and looke at one of my son's baby pictures I have out. I swear, he's re assessing his whole life now. He's admitted last night his friends are all thinking about settling down and a few have married recently. This whole thing is a big issue.

So I am going to do this. See if you agree with me ok? I need some help and good advice. As for now, until you guys give me some additional advice (which I truly appreciate since this whole dating crap is more than wierd to me)...I am going to keep seeing him, no pressure at all, keep the 180 tactics going, but be nice and kind but not overly as the 180 says to do, keep seeing other people too, and give it 2 months until I decide otherwise. That would put RR and I at dating for six months and no committment. I think that is enough time to figure your life out.

So advice needed about my course of action and thoughts on "the dating and committment fog"..

Hey Peachy!

WOW! Your weekend has turned out to be pretty exciting!

IMO, I'd say your headed down the right path.
I'm not an expert by any means on any of the dating stuff.
I will say though, that I think you have to give this guy a chance because you have said in the past that you really like him. I think that you have to give him the time for him to figure this out.
I also think that you are being true to yourself by continuing dating others. Until you know what he is wanting, and the online thing checks out, be true to yourself.

Seems like this two month time line is taking it slow and careful.
Sounds like a good plan to me!

Enjoy your weekend! Sounds like a great time to say the least.

Take Care,
K

Sigh...I just so wish I had a DATE, never mind the problems of dating you seem to have peachy!!!

He he.

While I was online w/you guys last night goofing off and posting and reading, seems that RR had called two times. Left message 1: "Are you there? " Message 2: "Ok. I called once earlier. Where are you?"

AFter I get offline, see as I walk into living room something crawling on the floor. I think it's a spider, but when I get close it's a SCORPION!. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I didn't know we had scorpions in GA...but we sure do. It was about an inch or a little more long. I start screaming and freaking out. I try to hit it with only thing I can find...the remote control..damn thing was almost bulletproof. Kept trying to crawl away and curl its' ugly stinger thing up at me.

So...knowing he's a walking book of biology, call up RR and it's almost midnight...He answers and asks where in the hades have I been...I am upset alot and he says to slow down. Tell him about scorpion and everything. He wakes up and then tells me that 1)means that there's not any moisture problem in my home b/c they like dry spaces; very arid only 2)no, they don't nest in houses and 3)not to pick up scorpion even if it is dead. doesn't know about the stinger.

So I opt to suck it up in the wand thingie on the vacuum cleaner.

RR is nice, understanding, and then tells me to go and shake out all my shoes upstairs. I started crying b/c I am absolutely petrified at this point. He says to relax and take a tylenol pm after shaking out my shoes and try to rest.

He kinda laughs and says...you can look at blood and all things that are medical...but a spider or a scorpion can send you screaming.

Thank you K and Jacky.

K-it's getting wierd. After I hang up, The cute resident calls at 1230 am. He is leaving Children's hospital where he did a biopsy. Asks what we're going to do tonight? Asks if I've decided which movie? He is way to happy for it to be midnight.

Uugh. I will do what you say and what I think maybe to do...keep dating others but give RR the two month grace period to see what develops.

Jacky...there's gotta by an Outback Jack down there...gotta be. Now get your lovely self out one evening and walkabout (trying to say this while typing and using my best Aussie accent...lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Ok...now guys, what do I do about the FL thing? Do I open up talks to RR about it? What do I do?

Oh Peachy,
You had me squirming in my chair.
I used to live in Florida. I remember finding one in my home also. They are creepy! That was the only one that I ever came across in my home though. Maybe that will be your first and last sighting as well.

Like I said earlier, I'm no pro on this dating stuff.
You do seem to have a handle on it though.
Until you know where RR is at, I think its fair for you to continue dating others.

As far as RR being a part of your Fl trip? I think you should entertain the idea. It may help clarify things for you. If I understood, he will have his own space/room, so that won't be an issue with your son.
The trip may be good for both of you. It just may be what you need to figure him out. And maybe what he needs to figure himself out.

Keep us posted, and enjoy your weekend!

Take Care,
K

Should you take the man on the FL trip with your son. Nope. Too much like what Jethro might do.

Peachy, what is your criteria for deciding who to date:

-Money
-Looks
-Status

And what is this driving need to date? Is it medication to keep you from being at home alone?

I know you've been through a lot that you didn't deserve and didn't ask for. You've been in my thoughts lately and I'm trying to figure out what's really going on here. I'm just getting this feeling that you are medicating with dating. Do you know what I mean? Trying to use dating to meet some underlying need that won't be fully met until you address the issue. Personally - within yourself - and not with another person.

Good point Cindy but I will tell ya...
1)FL thing: Here's what Jethro would do...get two rooms and have kids (hers and his) sleep in 1 room and he and FV sleep in other room. He did same with Monkeyho. As for me? Would have him in one room, me and son sleeping in other room. Two totally separate rooms. So there's no confusion. I've been pretty concrete about this issue since the decision to divorce was made.

Also made it pretty clear that if he wants to go, he doesn't have to do everything with us. Not at all. That I plan to take son to an outing where we get in shallow water with a sweet dolphin and the trainers and me as well. Son has wanted to do this and has been telling me he wanted to do this since he was four. Found a great place where we can do this. Supposed to be wonderful. And one night we are going to play "goofy golf". Yea. No pressures. I am firstly there with my son. If he wants to come then so be it. If after talking today we think it's not for the best then so be it. Good with things either way.

2)the dating thing? Let's see. I have been alone for almost three years now. And the year before that lived practically alone b/c my xh was not there in the emotional sense at all. So I have been spending time for the last four years being first a mom, and then seeing family and friends. There is absolutely nothing I dislilke about being alone. I had NO desire to date for almost three years. Nobody completes me. Unlike alot of people here who jump right into a marriage or serious thing with somebody, I chose not to date during the long separation and spent that time alone getting to know me. And it was good. Some people have quicker divorces than I did for sure. My x spent the separation bedding two women in serious relationships and I spent the time healing. I think if I had divorced say after a few months, and a short separation, that I would be definitely not ready to date.

In the end, I am a woman. Lived in basically a convent for almost 3 years now. I don't wish to be celibate forever. I have some personal desires that I want to achieve. Want to remarry, and might want another child as well. But in time.

My feelings are no different than anybody else basically. One can only go to so many nights out to dinner with friends or family. One can go to so many movies with friends or family. It is time and has been since probably february that I get on with things.

And what do I want from a guy? Somebody that has intelligence and an education. When you get old and the bod has succumbed to gravity, you gotta have something else to fall back on. Somebody that I can't wait to talk to and find interesting. Somebody who is someone I will not have to support either. Want somebody with a good solid career. Just smart. I can take care of my son and myself, they need to be able to pull their weight in this too. And for status...I don't think the people I date have status or that I do at all. My x Jethro did not have status when I met him. In fact, he was a completely different person than the man he is now. What is different is I want somebody who places real value on bettering themselves, having a good mind and education because that is what Jethro did not do. He placed is value on things. The acquiring of stuff. Not on people, matters of the heart, or in bettering himself and his inner self in any way.

I think when a person gets it together, they don't need to look for status or success. Somehow it just flows in their direction. Same for me. I am state prez of my medical specialty society. Was I seeking anything when I got nominated? I didn't even tell anybody I would consider doing it at all. They just saw somebody working to better themselves and their profession...I had to, I was suddenly a single mom and my son's well being depended on my ability to provide for him. My x sure wasn't helping us much as I had to take him to court three times last year just to get the little bit out of him we could to help make our ends meet.

I'd say that I am also looking for somebody attractive. That is kinda universal. If we were to all admit it, we don't want somebody that is to us unattractive. That definition changes and is personal to each here.

In the end, there are distinct differences that exist in doing everything with your friends and family vs. dating. In fact, to ease your conscience consider the words of my very good counselor who said that she gave me her blessing to date...even six mos. before judge signed and was actually when we had believed it already signed (remember the dead judge/treadmill thing in my county here?). She said on my last visit that I was healing so far better than she could have expected and that the time spent healing had really grounded me and now that I can fully define what it is that I want out of life. And dating and a relationship and marriage is just one small part of all the things I want out of my new life. Just one part.

But an utterly confusing part as with work and profession, you can gauge your progress easily. Feel like my skills are a bit rusty now in this area. Last time I dated I was just outta college and not a mom. It's very wierd.

Went to movie and dinner with E the cute resident. Saw Bourne Supremacy. Was good. Not great, just good. Date went well. He was well mannered and we had good talks. He's a real touchy feely person and that was the thing that kinda turned me off in the beginning as I have gone out w/him before. Kept trying to hold my hand constantly during the movie. Said he wants to go out again. And I fully understand that the timing was off with regards to that. When he was out healing from his surgery on his radius (rugby accident), I went out with R and R kinda grew on me.

So it felt a bit awkward b/c I hadn't gone out with anybody else, have talked with other people since dating R, but not gone out. R has grown on me and I should probably go out again with E because R has so far had an unfair advantage of time. I swear I don't know how to do the dating thing at all. Not at all. Wierd part is going out with E made me miss R much more. Maybe that's what has happened with R when he might have tried dating somebody else.

In the end, I think you've gotta have a basis for comparison. Maybe several.

We'll see. R goes off call today and we might do something together. If we aren't too busy already. I have yard stuff to do and am getting together some clothes for a charity. Sometime after that I intend to go swimming, relax, and just float.

Whew!

What do YOU want, peachy? You are all over the place.

You're maybe a little further than this than I am with being divorced and all..

And you entered into a R rather quickly with your new beau as well.

I stated what I want. I may use 1000 more words to say what it is but that's me.

If you have a suggestion, then say it. Helpful suggestions are nice. I already know what I want in my life, it's the getting to it that is going to take some time.

Our sitch's are different, but nonetheless, we are both single moms who went thru rough times and made it out.

I may have alot going thru my mind, but this mind is definitely not all over the place...in fact, I probably am guilty of overthinking if anything.