Thanks Still Reeling - I try my hardest to not say anything about there dad. I parent the best that I can and do not ask from any help from EX. He wants to be a parttime/partime parent. So be it.

Daughter is coming out of her little attitude. She talked my ear off last night about school and friends and I just listened to her. There were a couple of times she mentioned her dad (nothing bad) and I smiled with her and we just talked.

I guess what has bothered me about this whole thing is 1: THE OW and 2: EX seeing the kids at his convenience.

For the last 3 years his convenience has only been on Xmas Eve. The EX told daughter that he works all the time and that is why he hasn't gotten her more. I think that is funny because if he worked so much how did he find time to have a relationship with the OW. Just tells me where his priorities lay.

She is 12, not 2. I don't understand how it would even be possible to hide the truth from a child that old, especially when she has older siblings. I would imagine that pretty much all 12 year olds know what adultery is if they have ever seen tv, read a newspaper, or gone to school - I knew when I was that age, my 11 year old knows. I think there is a good possibility that she is going to feel betrayed by her siblings and Bladybug when she finds out that everyone else knew all along.

"I told DD that if we each looked at the planet from opposite sides we would each see something different. One side would be illuminated by the sun and display spectacular shades of blue oceans, with large land masses and clouds which form large storms on the surface. The other side would appear dark and cold with little or no color reflecting off the surface.

Each of us would be looking at the very same planet yet each of us would give a completely different description of how it appeared to us and neither of us would be lying.

I tried never to portray her mother as not telling the truth...only that her mother believed what she said to DD to BE the truth. In her mind it WAS the truth.

I also believed what I knew to be the truth, even though my version differed from her mothers."

BA109 -- I think I love you! That is an incredibly wise way to explain things.

Although a child at 12 may be old enough to know what an affair is I believe they are still far to young to understand the complexity of it. No matter how badly we may hurt because of it it still doesn't give us the right to burden our children with our pain. Furthermore, since our children are half of our X's they project so much of our anger and hatred onto themselves, the whole he's my dad or she's my mom so since he or she is bad I must be too.

I totally agree that coparenting with these type of people is incredibly difficult, but I still believe that we have to be the better people here. Our children will grow up fast enough. Why should we add to their pain? Even if there fathers or mothers are adulters and only God knows what else they are still their other parents. I believe our relationship with our children will be much better served if we walk to moral high ground and shield them from as much as possible. If when they are older they come back and ask questions I do believe we should be honest with them, but that can wait until they are old enough to fully comprehend the situation if ever.

Just my two cents!

Take care and God bless!
K

Although a child at 12 may be old enough to know what an affair is I believe they are still far to young to understand the complexity of it. No matter how badly we may hurt because of it it still doesn't give us the right to burden our children with our pain. Furthermore, since our children are half of our X's they project so much of our anger and hatred onto themselves, the whole he's my dad or she's my mom so since he or she is bad I must be too.

I totally agree that coparenting with these type of people is incredibly difficult, but I still believe that we have to be the better people here. Our children will grow up fast enough. Why should we add to their pain? Even if there fathers or mothers are adulters and only God knows what else they are still their other parents. I believe our relationship with our children will be much better served if we walk to moral high ground and shield them from as much as possible. If when they are older they come back and ask questions I do believe we should be honest with them, but that can wait until they are old enough to fully comprehend the situation if ever.

Just my two cents!

Take care and God bless!
K

I'm curious why you would let her go for two days if he only saw her for three hours in the last year?!?

He should work his way up to overnights.
Not as punishment or anything but you need to have your daughters best interests in the forefront.
Him simply appearing whenever he wants to is not gonna be good for her.

I have talked to my older kids about the concept of kids believing that if their parents are bad they must be too, and they can not understand how anyone could feel that way. They do not understand why anyone would take responsibility or blame for their parents actions - one said that she could understand parents blaming themselves for their kids' bad behavior, though they shouldn't, but not the reverse. You're not born bad or good, whether your parents are ax murderers or Nobel Peace Prize winners. Whether you are bad or good is determined solely by your own actions.

I did not tell our then 6 year old that her father was cheating on me with the OW before he left home, and I think now that was a mistake. In any case, it turned out that she figured it out herself sometime in the next few years - long before she turned 12.

Even if one were to believe children should be shielded - and I think hiding the truth is wrong - 12 year olds are not little children. Twelve year olds, particularly girls, are very aware of and tuned into anything that has to do with sex or romantic relationships. Some twelve year olds are already sexually active. Affairs really aren't all that complex - either he was romantically/sexually involved with the woman while married, or he wasn't - and obviously he was.

I hope Bladybug's daughter never mentions to any of her friends that her father had married someone with whom he was "friends" while married to her mother - they are likely to think she terribly gullible.

Garbo, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BA109 -- I think I love you! That is an incredibly wise way to explain things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have that affect on my Girl too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm glad my POV can sometimes make a good impression on others. That's not always the case, believe me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Nellie,

I understand your POV. I hope your philosophy is working well for you and your children.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>