Well,here's to uncomplicated D's and fast recoveries,heart mind and soul.

Sounds like a great thing to toast to! But we can't let Believer toast with wine. She might blow it all over her dress again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Will 7up work for you, Believer? Less chance of a stain...)

LL

Hello ladies-

I've been lurking here for a while, but never know quite what to say. I want to say that I wish you all the best. I too filed for D three years ago, six months after my H moved out and the cake eating began. I was sick of his empty promises, waivering, lies, and threats. He is an alcoholic too. Seems to be a common thing.

I filed less than two weeks after the birth of our fourth child. It became blatently clear to me at that time that he was quite content to live the life he was living and in the meantime he was bleeding me dry both emotionally and financially. I have to say that he flipped out when I filed. He didn't say anything for a couple days, but then exploded asking how I could do it to him. Funny, but since he had threatened it for months I thought I was doing him a favor.

Upon filing life took a drastic turn for the better. Visitation and support were established right away and I was finally able to find some peace. It was not what I had wanted, but it definately was the right thing for me.

Now two and a half years since our divorce my XH has married the OW and he is currently fighting me for a change in custody (see my posts on this board). He is no longer drinking, but is a classic dry drunk. He is still a bitter man who plays the part of the victim very well. He shows no remorse for anything he has done. I on the other hand am doing very well. I am so much happier than when I was married. I am able to relax and enjoy life. I have four wonderful children and life is good. It may not be what I would have chosen, but I now know that it is much better.

As for why you husband can't be civil, CJ is right. It is the role the alcoholic plays. He fights with you, provokes you, blames you, all to keep from blaming himself. Do yourself a huge favor, stay calm and dont buy into it. If you fight back or lash out you will simply give him justification for what he does, the whole she is evil it's her fault I do these awful things mentality. Don't let him project his negative energy and guilt onto you. Stay calm and force him to own his issues. It is hard at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's quite easy and very empowering.

As for the OW, I can get along with both she and my XH, but would prefer to not have to deal with either of them. They are both insecure people who feel threatened by my presence. He gets nervous if I get along with her and she won't let him near me if she's not there. What a life!

I wish you all the best. You are going through what is probably the worst thing you will ever encounter, but you are not alone and you will get thru this.

You are in my prayers.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi K,

I have followed your story and also karona's.I am looking forward too to getting some much needed peace and happiness in my life,most likely when I finally cut my WH loose.The homewrecker can have him and all his bad habits.It's amazing how much better I feel when he is away,like now.When he is home,he causes me all kinds of emotional distress.

Kudos to you for getting along with the OW and your ex.I know for a fact that I will NEVER get along with the homewrecker and she had better never cross my path.She knows how much a "hate" her and what she stands for and what she has helped contribute to so it's a good thing she is in another country!

You sound like a strong person who's come a long way.Good for you!!

O

Well, well...what a glorious day for OW! She got her first opportunity to meet my daughter. Because DD goes to an alternative H/S and gets off school at noon this year, I asked STBXH if he could help with transportation. Because OW doesn't work, she's taken on the responsibility for M/W/F and I'll do the other two days.

So, today was the first pick-up. Got a call from DD on OW's cell phone just after pickup time saying they were going to "hang out". Told her to be home at 4pm. Okay, score one for OW--they were home EXACTLY on time.

So, DD comes in all excited. She had a great day. OW isn't the evil b**ch I have let on she is. She's cute, built nice, and lots of fun. She took DD to Walmart to help buy toys for OW's baby (who DD also admits is "precious"--it is true, however). Then they got some lunch, went to see STBXH at his shop, and picked up OW's other daughter (lives with her grandfather) before finally just hanging out at their apartment which she thinks is "cool" and playing with the baby before coming home.

She's excited about hanging with them again.

Well hooray for them all! (not really...)

I'm glad, I suppose, that she can get along with her. And I'm glad it went well considering it looks like shes going to be a permanent fixture, at least for now, in WH's life.

I believe OW will try to keep her safe when she's with them, but overall they don't have many rules that I can tell (or much sense..OW told her stories, perhaps to "bond" about some things that had happened that DD had NO business hearing!). But she thinks it's all good.

So my fear now is that because DD is 15 and of the age to decide where she wants to live, she might just decide that living in the "cool" apartment which is within walking distance of downtown, having a cute baby there to play with, and having a pretty lax living environment beats the heck out of living with old hard-nosed mom.

I will die if her dad gets custody of her. He's an alcoholic and a drug-user. To give her up to him, and then PAY HIM to keep her and have to sell my house would just be about too much!

Praying that doesn't happen!!

LL

I can't help but think that in time your daughter will realize what the OW did and feel differently about her. Yet, who knows for sure.
You have to do what is necessary for your health and well being.

lordslady,

This is one of the hardest pills to swallow: when your kids "like" the ex's GF/OW...or at least don't see her as a horrible, homewrecking monster!! My kids ask the GF to do favors for them, and go to lunch with her, and go to little league baseball games with her while I'm at work. At first I used to think, "Here I am, slaving away, trying to make sure you a fed and clothed, while your father tore our family apart because he would rather boink her!!! AARRGGHH!!!!!" Frankly, I was jealous that she could have friends with my kids while I had to be strict and enforce house rules, etc. IT'S NOT FAIR!!

Then...I realized I was acting like a child. Honestly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> My kids have the right to love their own father, even if he wasn't doing the best job. He is their father! And if the GF is going to be in his life, then I would think less of them if they treated her rudely or impolitely. I adjusted my point of view a little bit and realized that they were just doing their best and trying to enjoy themselves.

Now...if you remember, milady, my S has some issues similar to your D and he is 17yo (thus, also in the midst of those crazy teenage years). Like your D, he tends to choose goofing around over responsibility, homework, work or duty. He makes decisions sometimes based on "getting the most stuff" or "having the most fun" rather than what is in his best interests. BUT... as a 17yo, I do see him maturing and making some better choices. He is slowly getting there after seeing some mature, adult behavior modeled for him. He is slowly recognizing some of his own issues and addressing them.

I would strongly suggest that you have a little confidence in your D. After all, you did raise her!! It is her JOB as a teenager to try (or at least think it would be fun to try) some of the wild and crazy stuff...so she can learn that it's not fun! It's her JOB as a teenager to challenge everything she has seen her parents model and form what SHE believes. Also, as a child, I would be willing to bet that she is not great at verbalizing things like appreciation for never dumping her, appreciation for always being there for her, appreciation for providing for her, appreciation for BEING the kind of woman she can model after, appreciation for being her MOM not her friend, and appreciation for loving her even when she acts hatefully. Kids aren't good at saying that...but I bet you she does feel it. Your OW will never feel that--NEVER.


CJ

CJ,

Okay, I'm trying to have a little faith in my daughter. We've been getting along a bit better this last week (since she's been home by curfew, I've not had to correct her, and she does much better if she's not being told what she should do.)

However, she and OW are going out after school today to buy her some jeans. They are doing their best (OW and WH) to suck up to her.

I think what bugs me is that OW is trying to be the perfect "mommy" to her--buy her clothes, help her with school transportation, offer to try and help her get into a special class she wants in, grill her steak on Labor Day (DD's favorite food!), help her with her hair (OW has a cosmetology license).

Sure, this is all fine, because she DOESN'T WORK! WH would never have considered letting me quit my job. I asked a couple times if he'd be willing to sacrifice financially so that I could take a lower-stress job and cut down my travel. I was told it would be okay ONLY if my pay didn't change! So of course I didn't pursue it.

So I'm a little miffed because I've busted rear for years to parent two kids pretty much on my own (one of whom--my DD--has ADHD, ODD and depression and refuses meds so is NOT an easy child to parent). I've worked hard at my job (too hard, and my being gone is probably part of what trashed my M). I've almost solely kept up the house which often was less than perfect, but still...

Now here comes OW trotting into DD's life and she doesn't work so she has all the time in the world to kiss up and to impress both DD and WH. I'm hard-pressed to be able to compete.

I'm sure OW dreams nightly of little houses in the country with white picket fences. She's trying to create the perfect little family picture--I can see it. Small technicality that she had to steal her man from someone else, as long as in the end she has what she's after.

(I did speak with WH today--he called me to ask why I was ignoring him. Told him that OW had suggested I try and deal through her instead of directly with him, to keep the peace, and that she told me he didn't want me stopping by the shop anymore. According to him, this is not true. He says he never told her this. Hmmmm... They can work that out amongst themselves. I hope I opened a tiny can of worms between them.)

LL

Oh yeah, the bought jeans, they bought a shirt, they bought a sundress, and they went out for Chinese food. How swell!

OW called to tell me she dropped DD of at home and that she droppod my signed paperwork for the temporary orders.

And she told me how much fun she and DD had this afternoon, and how they were looking at clothes in the Jr. department at Kohls and how DD found some clothes and said to OW, "You'd look really cute in these!".

Oh goody! They're buddies! (I need the icon for a vomiting face).

LL

Gag!!
Barf!!
Puke!!
Hurl!!

LL, I know this is hurting you. I am so sorry. That OW is a real unit! I bet this makes her look really swell to your WH. Why should she work, she can just suck up to him and drop off paperwork for him all day long? Addicts need people to do stuff for them, LL. They cannot handle the full responsibilities of the real world.

Try to remember that as you moooooove slowly down this path and on with your life. The OW is never going to measure up, EVER.

Hang tight, LL.

BTW...how did you change the name of your thread??????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by What AmIDoing?:
<strong> BTW...how did you change the name of your thread?????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FYI, you can change the name of a thead if you are the original author by clicking on the "Edit/Delete" icon. If you're the original author, the text of the post will show up along with the thread title up above the box that the post is in. All you have to do is highlight and delete the "old" title, and type in the new title.

Glad to help!


CJ

Just found out from daughter (who spoke with WH last night about plans to visit them today):

WH took OW to his family reunion this weekend. Ouch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know...we're in the process of DV. But we're not yet. Guess I've now been officially replaced. I love his family. It's hard to think they're not my family anymore, after 23 years of knowing them.

Sucky holiday revelation.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

((((((LL))))))

Thinking of you ,sweetie!

There is NO WAY that trash could ever replace you! You are beautiful and so STRONG! You cannot compare yourself to such a thing as her! Homewreckers can't get a real life, they have to "borrow" someone else's. Your poor WH is just too silly to see it! Shame on him...

I haven't posted in a while since I am still at the crossroads, looking both ways. Counseling with SH has been very interesting for me, he is one amazing guy! He thinks our M can be saved, but neither of us are so convinced at this point Fogman (as foggy as ever) has so many "negatives" right now, not much on the positive side at all. You know what I mean?

I'm sorry about OW sucking up to your DD. Puke! (where is that icon when you really need it?) All part of the fog, and now it's sweeping near your DD, too. Yuck!

Can you still keep in touch with his family? What about the kids?

It's a funny thing about ex's families (aka "the outlaws"). When I was married to my exH, I was a good wife to him, supported all his dreams and his business, put him through college, was a good mother to his children, and was faithful and pure. In some ways loved his family more than I loved my own because they were here where we live, and we celebrated holidays and such with them.

As soon as they found out their son was cheating and mentally ill, they dropped me like a hot potato and never spoke to me again. It's wierd. For fifteen years they loved me (seventeen if you could the two years we were together before getting married) as a daughter--and suddenly they just cut me off like I didn't exist.

Mostly I think it was because they would have to face themselves and face that someone from their family was not well. It's so much easier to just pretend everything is "okay" and ignore any issues.

Soooooo...it is sad. It's one of the losses that one has to go endure during a divorce.


CJ

In my case I think I'm the one who is kind of pulling myself out because I don't feel like it's my place to be in the family. They told me last Christmas I was always welcome down there. And I'm still on their email joke distribution. Step-MIL sent me 4 today.

But they will have to accept their son and the OW. They have no choice. It's how THEY got together--product of an A, too. And I feel like they will be in an uncomfortable situation if I'm still in the picture.

I'm still thinking on all of it. I don't want to lose them from my life. I have a very small family, and we were just not "huggy" people. He has 2 sisters (one here in Iowa), 2 step- brothers, 1 step-sister, and 1 half-brother. Counting our two kids, the FIL & Step-MIL have 15 grand children, and usually all but the two in Florida are there at Christmastime. It's great fun--very down-to-earth people. I'm having almost a harder time giving all that up than I am giving up STBXH right now.

------------------------------------------------
Couple other non-related items on my mind today, one good for me but bad for DD and for STBX, the other just a bit of nostalgia:

First, STBXH and OW have been planning since last week to have DD spend today and tonight with them. Bought special food and everything. Well, she went--her boyfriend took her, and she wouldn't let him leave. She kept calling me--crying--was VERY uncomfortable there. She said it was overwhelming.

OW called me--wanted to know what the deal was. All I could tell her was that DD was probably upset because she's not used to seeing her dad and the OW make like a family. Hmmmm. I think they were just expecting her to bless their little "union". I told them that since I have no experience dealing with this, they'd have to work things out with her.

I guess STBXH got angry and stormed off for a while, but finally returned. DD did stay long enough to have dinner with them, which she said was good, but she was home by mid-evening.

Awwww....too bad for the happy couple...someone doesn't like what they're doing. (And I was taking my son back to college when this all happened. His response: "Good, I'm glad they're all uncomfortable." He won't even see his dad or talk to him.)

------------------------------------------------
And the item of nostalgia: Tomorrow (Sept 7) is the 24th anniversary of when STBXH and I first started dating. A lot of years to throw away.

But one could argue that I was ultimately the one who threw them away. I filed for DV. He didn't want me to.

LL

Hi LL

I know what you mean about the family of WS. Fogman accuses me of turning the entire world against him, telling everyone who knows what about him, his family included. Mind you, the only people he actually talks to are his grandmother and occasionally his brother (he doesn't bother to maintain many relationships). They were shocked and appalled at him, especially at first. Nowadays, his g-mom doesn't say too much about the A, and has left it God's hands. She is 91 years old, and has become depressed about her grandson abandoning his family... Fogman hates when I point this out to him... CONSEQUENCES **HELLO** He has the b*lls to ask me to lie and say that everything is OK. I will not cover for him ever again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> In my case I think I'm the one who is kind of pulling myself out because I don't feel like it's my place to be in the family. They told me last Christmas I was always welcome... I'm still thinking on all of it. I don't want to lose them from my life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what ya mean...in a way it's a little like Plan B-ing the family, because actually HE is their family, not you (at least by blood.) I hope it encourages you to know that when things were the worst between my exH and I, his family didn't even speak to me for about two years...BUT now we are attending a few things again. It's not as if they ever hated me or I them (we all loved each other I think) but HE is their son/brother and I was not. Now that time is soothed things a bit, and since exH and I are civil and even somewhat cooperative, there have been "holiday" type events or life cycle events that we have all attended together. We are ALL on speaking terms!

So, lordslady, maybe they will need to be apart from you for a season, but in due time perhaps you will not lose them entirely from your life. In my instance, we went from DIL/SIL to pretty good friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> But they will have to accept their son and the OW. They have no choice. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to be technical, that's not entirely true. They could use their A and the pain it caused to EVERYONE to have the courage to stand up to their own son and tell him to grow up and honor his commitments. Two wrongs just do not make a right!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>And the item of nostalgia: Tomorrow (Sept 7) is the 24th anniversary of when STBXH and I first started dating. A lot of years to throw away. ... But one could argue that I was ultimately the one who threw them away. I filed for DV. He didn't want me to. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, milady, do not do that to yourself. Yes, today is a memory of an important event in your life--and yes, 24 years is a LOT of years to throw away for a doomed fling--but don't you shoulder all the responsibility for the divorce. My lovely one, if he didn't want you to file, he could have chosen to honor his vows, return to the mother of his children and the wife of his youth, fulfill his duty as a husband and father, and put his family ahead of his own selfish desires. I'll make it easy for you...his MOUTH may have said that he didn't want you to file, but his ACTIONS spoke louder. His actions said that he was not willing to give up his adulteress so that the marriage could thrive. His actions said that he was not willing to experience the withdrawals from alcohol so that he could be an admirable, courageous man of character.

So don't you fool yourself!! He was right there with you participating in this divorce!!


CJ

You guys always make me feel better!! Thanks!

So, lordslady, maybe they will need to be apart from you for a season, but in due time perhaps you will not lose them entirely from your life.

I really hope this is true. I see my own family far more frequently than I see his, but I am much more at ease with his than with my own (except with my sis--we can talk about anything).

They could use their A and the pain it caused to EVERYONE to have the courage to stand up to their own son and tell him to grow up and honor his commitments. Two wrongs just do not make a right!

True, and actually they sort of did in the beginning--they reminded STBXH how hurt and angry he was in his teens when their divorces/remarriages happened. And they told him we needed to be together. He didn't listen, so they gave up.

if he didn't want you to file, he could have chosen to honor his vows, return to the mother of his children and the wife of his youth, fulfill his duty as a husband and father, and put his family ahead of his own selfish desires. I'll make it easy for you...his MOUTH may have said that he didn't want you to file, but his ACTIONS spoke louder.

I analyze this a LOT in my brain. I assume blame easily, and since I was the one who filed, I feel like I was the one who pulled the plug. But true, I also have asked myself over and over, if he REALLY wanted me to not go through with the D, wouldn't he be there trying to prove that he was a changed man? Wouldn't he be willing to pull out all stops and sacrifice a little of his own comfort to try and win me back?

And no, he's not doing that. He told me he wasn't happy that I filed, but he is still living with OW (and parading her around to more than just family). And he's still "using". So, no, I don't see any action. And talk is easy, especially when one is as adept at lying as he is and always has been.

Thanks for the reminder!

LL