I have been here, some of you have listened while i have cryed. But now - when are you ever ready to remarry, ever?????? thinking about just living with the greatest man, because, he has cheated on others before, don't think i can survive if it happens to me again. You know different man, same song????

I was thinking the same today. i've been divorced for 3 yrs. been dating someone for 8 months, i don't think he would cheat on me like the last one, yet I am afraid to trust him, as he wants to get serious, marriage and all, I don't think I am ready and I think I am destroying the relationship by making demands, don't know where we will go, but I think my past did enough damage that I can't trust anything anymore. i don't want to make the same mistake again.

Thanks for posting, Somedays i feel like so confused, like i will never know where i really stand with anyone, because words mean so little anymore and i don't trust my own judgement. Im a smart person, yet i feel so damaged and stupid when it comes to relationships. It is so frightening to think that i will always be alone, because i am afraid of getting hurt. so scared

Everyone takes their own time to heal. Some people may never get over the hurt, others are right back on the wagon as soon as D is final.

I have met many people that swore they would never marry again but have.

Rest assured that not everyone is a lieing cheat!

Some of us are respectfull, faithfull humans.

WIWH

I'm just recently DV so in no way ready to date quite yet, but I do share your fears. I know SO many men who have no scruples (including the man I fell in love with and married).

However, I fight the additional fear that even if I did find Mr. Right, I'd screw it up because I wasn't a good wife. I'm not sure I know how to be. And I don't want to marry someone and then have it fizzle because I'm not able to do the right things to keep them happy either.

Seems like staying out of the relationship world is, while lonely, probably easier.

LL

Good thread... and great posts from all.

It is scary to think about gettting "M" again.

I think in many circumstances... trust is a huge issue.

Fool me once... but I don't want to ever be fooled again.

Who wants to take the chance of being fooled again, and in our own minds... can we truly ever trust someone once we have been betrayed by another.

These are the questions that I have been asking myself.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks for posting to me. It looks like here i go. Its a no win situation for me. He is really starting to hint around. I think he showed me ring pictures last night, i still cant decide if it were a nightmare or real. But its coming, and you know what is worse. If i say back up and i want to wait it will hurt his feelings(like me he has been cheated on but he has also been the cheater) He really is a great guy. I love him very much i don't want to be next in line even though he says he has really changed do people really change?.

“””Its a no win situation for me.”””

Well if that’s how you feel about it, then you are right in more ways than you know.

“””i still cant decide if it were a nightmare or real.”””

If your comparing what should be a dream to a nightmare, then you’ve answered your own question and should drape a red flag around yourself. Now don’t take that wrong, but from your words you have serious reservations about him and yourself, so make sure you protect you.

“””If i say back up and i want to wait it will hurt his feelings”””

So your feelings don’t matter and it’s all about him, how long do you think that’s going to last? Plus what’s wrong with a long engagement? IMHO you need to stand up for what’s best for you.

“””do people really change?”””

Now there’s an interesting question. I honestly don’t know if we have that ability. I do know that my personality was morphed during my marriage and subsequent divorce. But in all actuality, once I was able to see clearly I came out being basically the same person I was before I was married, so did I change?

Thanks for the post, your right, i do have serious reservations. What i should have said is there doesn't seem to be an easy out. I was really hoping that we could continue as we have been for a little longer, If i say yes, which is what i really want, i am afraid i will screw it up, didn't do so hot last time, and if i say no because im scared then i really lose. We both have kids that are fantastic, can it work. i mean a step dad and step mom. So much to consider. Thanks for your imput
sara

(((Sara)))

Now you didn't bless us with any of your background, but I will say that if you do say 'yes', why can't there be a year long engagement or longer for that matter?

hey thanks, your so right, besides, bless him he is leaving for Iraq the first part of the year so I think he is worried that i won't be here when he comes back unless he rushes things you know...
anyway as for history, i don't know how to find it on here but it is here somewhere, under a different name. Long and short of it. Married 12 years. In 2001 found out H was cheating on me with various strippers and such, plan a until 2003 and plan b he moved out in Aug 03. Hasn't helped at all, divorced may 04. Hasn't really seen his kids, hooked up(living with) with a stipper, that is married to someone else. Currently she has moved out and he is taking care of her daughter. Two weeks ago had my kids for about 8 hours before calling me at three in the morning to come and get them his other girlfriend showed up and they were going out. UGH says he is going to have them this weekend, we will see. He is so messed up. I wish him peace and happiness with all of my heart. Just not with me or at my kids expense. Enough of the history, so sad yet it has made me better, kinder, more forgiving and I know I am truly blessed to be ok, and maybe someday well. if you know what i mean.

sara

I am just fine being 'alone', for the time being, almost one year after D.

But, if I meet someone I love and want to spend "the rest of my life" with... I would NOT be scared!

I'd tell him at the very beginning - if he cheats - that's it!
No plan A, no Plan B - directly to D!

What is not risky in our lifes nowadays??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scared2try67:
<strong> he is leaving for Iraq the first part of the year so I think he is worried that i won't be here when he comes back unless he rushes things you know...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm presuming he's in the military, therefore I must just say, do not marry him before your ready just for the benefits...........

Don't worry, I was in the military and have all the benefits that i need disability retired. thankfully. He is a reservist. And Im going to miss him. He has been my best friend for a long time (8 months) I think it will be really hard not having him to lean on. Oh by the way, I used to be notgoingtodothis. I went and looked at some of my post, i was crazy. I am so much better now. I am better off alone than i ever was with him THANK YOU GOD

I remarried about 18 months after my divorce from a serial cheater. We've been happily married for nearly 14 years now...and truthfully, I never had a trust issue with DH. Someone, once pointed out that the reason I didn't have trust issues is because my x acted in a fashion that was "true" to the kind of person he was. IOW, there was not a disconnect from who he was and the fact that he cheated on me.

Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.

This is going to be very risky. I'm playing devil's advocate here and am probably going to get nailed for my response to this comment:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a big...no, HUGE fear of mine. I am posting as a BS, but a number of years ago was the WS--very, very brief P/A, longer E/A (although I didn't know about E/A's back then). I'm so afraid that no one will want me because once upon a time I made a huge mistake.

I think I know why I did it. I wasn't looking for a thrill. I was trying to survive in a really screwed up marriage, but it was the WRONG way to go about survival. I wanted my marriage to be better. I begged for us to get help. He didn't listen. Didn't feel we had issues. I screwed up big time when someone came along and showed me the attention I'd been craving from my husband.

I am SOOOOO sorry for what I did, but I can't take it back. However, I have no intention of ever letting it happen again. I've totally recommitted myself to the Lord since that time.

But what if no one is willing to give me a second chance because of something in my past. What if they think, "once a cheater, always a cheater". I wasn't a cheater going into the marriage. I never would have believed on my wedding day that I'd have cheated on him. I didn't cheat during 4 years dating.

I guess my long drawn out moral: Look at the circumstances in which the cheating occurred. Yes, it's WRONG!! But assess why it happened before you totally ditch someone if you really love them.

LL

I have to agree with LL!

After all, isn't MB all about Building an affair proof marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WIWH

My question to everyone regarding remarriage....

Would a new relationship you get into come out and tell you his/her life story right away?

How would you even know if the person you are going to marry ever cheated?

Would that person openly admit that he/she cheated?

I personally will not date a person who once cheated, marriage is built on trust and once a person is betrayed it is very hard to regain trust even if it is with a new relationship.

Hi all,
thought provoking conversation if you ask me. I don't know about the cheating thing. I would have cheated after i found out about my x cheating so many times but i was so afraid that i had something that i went and got tested for every possible thing you can imagine. I do believe that circumstances play a big roll but i do believe that we are responsible for our actions, regardless of our circumstances. I think that the relationship that i am in now could work but not unless i feel like i can really trust him. and right now i don't trust him. and my gut never has lied to me in the past, What do ya'll think?????????

“””Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.”””

And that’s obviously your call but ain’t there a verse that says something about “Whoever among you have not sinned, let you cast the first stone.” I don’t think the fruit of ones heart or character can be judged upon 1 mistake or a million mistakes. Shouldn’t the person be judged upon where the broken road has taken them and not the journey that it took to get there?

Given the choice of dating:

1. Someone who has truly experienced the devastation of cheating or being cheated on.

2. Someone who’s bubble has not been burst by the life changing experience of infidelity.

I do believe that I would pretty much pick #1. You do notice that I lumped the cheaters/cheated together because there are those, like LL, who know the guilt, shame, & helplessness that this thing causes. Plus if you want to judge pasts, no one would ever date me... So does that define who I am today? I’d hope not. Now the strength in character that I’ve gained from my life experience, now that defines who I am.

“””Would a new relationship you get into come out and tell you his/her life story right away?”””

I guess that depends on the definition of right away. It’s not exactly 1st date subject matter, now is it? However, as the relationship starts down the road of natural progression talks like that should occur, provided this relationship is based on a cornerstone of communication and honesty.

”””How would you even know if the person you are going to marry ever cheated?”””

If you can’t trust them to answer the question honestly, then it’s not a relationship worth having.

”””Would that person openly admit that he/she cheated?”””

I believe so, again, if it truly is a relationship worth pursuing to “happily ever after”. I’m a firm believer of laying all the cards on the table for if there are no secrets, how can they come back to haunt you? Radical and even brutal honesty have to be there. If I’ve showed someone the depths at which I lived my life and they see where that has brought me and they choose to love me, hey, that’s love without condition.