I talked to my boyfriend last night. I told him about finding the porn, my fears, how it was a trigger, how I still feel about myself at times, how I feel I have baggage that I don't want to affect us. He is so great. He listened and emapthized and told me he loves me and sees me as loveable. We talked about his early Playboy subscription and his couriosity about internet porn that you cant avoid at times. We talked about how he feels about it for his boys. He says he thinks it is bad for a relationship! That it can be addictive and destructive. I loved his response. I love him. I can't imagine having had this kind of conversation with my X without one of us feeling defensive and misunderstood. I think I am headed to an adult healthy relationship! WOW.


in response to TR

I know its my issue. And I am going to go off topic with you and I don't mean to be rude, but I am still trying to work it though for myself.

You say I am entitled to my feelings, and yet everyone seems to want those feelings to be a certain way... thankful that I was adopted to a good home, lucky I was choosen, forgiving of the choices others made, happy to have been raised by someone who loved me. And I do feel all of those things. But thats not all I feel and for the years my adoptive parents were alive, it was all I felt safe to feel. Because they did raise me and love me and they were all I had, so I learned to deny and stuff those other feelings.
And I was very good at it.

Because to be chosen I first had to be rejected, by the one person who was always supposed to love you, my mother. Can you imagine how it feels to not know one single thing about your heritage, your birth story, you medical background, your bood relatives? Things most people take for granted. Maybe you sometimes wish for other parents, but I was afraid to even begin to harbor those thoughts, because I was lucky to be chosen .. maybe I would not be lucky again.

So I set out to be the good child, after all I was lucky to be chosen right? I learned to stuff down all the bad feelings until I didn't know what my feelings were any more. I am just now trying to understand how I feel and to not be afraid of anger or any other feeling. To figure out how to be authentic instead of constantly pleasing others while dening my own feelings.

I am sorry my birth mother feels such shame and guilt still. I think I have forgiven her, but she has to forgive herself and I can't really help with that, she is afraid to even tell me her name.
I have to make peace with the small amount of info she is willing to give, my heritage, what diseases run in the family.It helps to have even that amount of information. I have to try and just be the person I am now instead of the child she gave up. I had hoped talking could be healing for both of us,and I guess it was for me somewhat, but I feel I could have used more. Maybe one day.

I don't know if it would have been easier or harder to know more about my birth mother as your H did.

<small>[ December 18, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

Lora,

You don't sound rude at all--hurt yes, but not rude--

And I'm sorry If I implied you should "only" feel grateful that your adoptive parents chose you--
and not all of the other range of emotions you feel as well--

And your wrong about to be choosen you must first be rejected--God didn't reject us before He chose us--He chose us before creation--it was mankind that rejected Him--but He still chose us--

And I'm sorry your mother is not even willing to let you know her name--but I see it as a rejection of herself not you--and all that she is as person--by her lack of honesty--she is rejecting herself at the inner most level--and living in her own denial of how she became the person she is today--good and bad--and accepting herself as an "as is" person--it's about her refusal to be real with herself, God and those around her--

And for whatever reason--you remind her of the things in her past she refuses to acknowledge about herself--things she doesn't want to be honest with herself about--even that isn't about you--it's about her--and unfortunately others hurt because of it--but she doesn't grasp that--

She probably thinks others will look down on her and stop loving her--if she is honest with them about her past--she's kept this secret for so long--how can she be honest with herself and others now??

Just know that you are in my prayers--and as God knows who she is as well--I pray that He will open her heart to face her fears and learn that she's not only hurting you, but herself and others she says she loves by keeping the truth from them--

Lora-Merry Christmas-my warmest hugs to you! I am so soorrry to learn your man didn't understand LOVE. Only God can truly teach him-I am soo sorry you were hurt.

I am passing along my e-card greetings. Turn up speakers and feel God love for you! He loves you very much!

http://www.angelhugs.com/AngelPassedMyWay.html

Christ Love
my love
sky

A loving relationship involves sharing your feelings, fears, hopes, dreams, all of it. You can't be past the age of about 23 and not have baggage. Don't be timid, but be polite and sincere and respectful. If he can't handle it, maybe he's not that great a guy, or maybe he's got something to hide, or maybe he's a little too sensitive. You are who you are, with your scars and all and you have to give him the chance to know you.

I'm kinda new to posting messages here, but I thought I'd share some insights for anyone reading about dealing with a porn addiction. I am learning more and more and I was helped very much by what you all have written, especially the man (sorry-switched screens before I got your name) who is recovering. You have helped me because I see that there is a future for him and that's been a major hangup for me - my compassion. I am having to leave my husband of 17 years now because he refuses to see porn as a problem, yet that's what began our relationship problems in the first-second years of our marriage. More recently, these past two years he's kept a girlfriend who wants to marry him badly and has no idea of this side of him, as he hides it well as he did from me. I used to walk in on him back in the VHS days. I would find his stashes of tapes and he'd throw them out then another batch would show up in a few weeks.

More recently he's been saying things like his psychologist (he only just began seeing him knowing his affair was destroying his life) told him to spend Christmas alone so he could see how his future without his family would be and that might jerk him into reality. I found a beautifully written poetic Christmas card from her to him talking about their Christmas day together and how she can't wait until she wakes up to him in her bed every day, etc. She is clueless as I was and thinks I am the evil wife, and when she isn't thinking that she's convinced herself that my husband and I just don't belong together. If only she knew what goes on in our house...

I've used Dr. Harley's wisdom for two years now - one of the things I've been doing is indulging his sexual appetite and haven't said no to him even once in about 18 months to see if he really is insatiable. He needs sex at least 2-3 times a day with me and I still don't know how much more he has himself, although I can tell you I check the browser history and he apparently comes home for lunch to get a dose of porn. When he's not using me for sex rather than intimacy, he goes right to the porn. So much for plan B. He just doesn't really get lonely between the porn and the now girlfriend. He also put a lot of pressure on me to begin participating in his world and shared certain fantasies that he yearned to play out - I mean CONSTANT pressure. It got to be that he would sense my apprehension and would punish me for not being interested enough. He would punish me passively by making a date, making plans, getting me all worked up about having a great time doing this or that, then at the last minute would tell me the date's off until I show more interest. About a year ago he would use it as an excuse to pick a fight so he had an excuse to leave and see the other woman and even told me he wasn't sure who he wanted to keep - he felt he could train her to be more sexual and involved in the ways of his fantasies without my apprehension, because she really loves him. The addiction is insidious, isn't it? These addicts each seem to have a special habit of their own to work their addiction into our reality so they don't have to deal with it.

I sympathize with you deeply in being so concerned not to drive your boyfriend away, but you don't want to fall into the habit of codependency either. Honesty offered respectfully, sincerely is what will find you the right man. Don't be afraid to give yourself that.

I'm only just beginning to have the courage now to leave my husband and disappoint him. I am learning how much precious time I have lost by living in his denial and thinking I was being loving and sensitive and patient and 'hip' and whatever else, just like the loving codependent enabler. I have sharpened my principles and won't give another human being the room to take any more of my life by tiptoeing around to avoid scaring them off. That doesn't mean I'm blunt or harsh or vulgar or disrespectful. Some of the damage that's been done is that I've become too soft, too sensitive, too forgiving and loving to a fault, and I've lost much of myself because of it. I think we all reach a point where we ask ourselves if we can live with this or that for the next 20 or so years of our lives and we realize how fast the last 20 have gone and we decide what's important to us. It's the next step to allow ourselves for a change, to give ourselves permission to stand up for what we care about, no matter the reason why we do.

You don't have to explain yourself or justify your concerns, while you might want to you don't have to. They are yours and that's good enough. You have to take care of yourself and anyone who really loves you will expect you to do that, because they are also doing that. That's how people have loving respectful relationships full of love. Don't be afraid that that person who will do that for you isn't out there, or isn't already there in your boyfriend.

best wishes

My husband has a pornography addition. For longer than I have known him. We have been together 12 years and married 10. We have a 6 year old daughter who is beautiful. I love my husband so much and I discovered the addition about 6 years ago. It was internet porn. He denied and denied. I didn't understand at all and was confused and depressed. I even offered to watch with him to share the experience. He was not interested at all. Aparently he grew up in a house with a library of pornography including videos. With the internet being such an easy access his challenge excelled. I thought he was not doing it but it kept creeping into our lives. He became emotionally distant and physically distant. I would say what's going on? Can I help you? How can I support you. Please understand this is not just impacting you, but your family. We a not a close, with all the lies the trust has been breached, we have to figure out a path to recovery. I'm sure I didn't support him in the way he needed, because I simply did not know how. My depression and anger lent itself to more unhealthy behavior. Finally I basically made a stand for the marriage, myself, him and my daughter. I left - far far away and said if we don't get help for this - which we clearly need, than I am not coming back. I told him I was committed to the marriage and I knew he was an amazing man who had so many beautiful qualities I loved so much and I would support him through this and also seek a healing for myself and a healthy path for the two of us.

He has since told me he read one book and his life has changed - The Shadow of the Net - which I read as well. He claims that I am a direct cause of his behavior and he is happier without us. He is drinking and partying almost every night (by the way, intelligent professional man) he had a fling with a married exotic woman (I found out by chance) and he is not ready to talk about cousiling together he says he is happy. I don't believe him. I want to help him. How does someone as a spouce facilitate healing and healthy behavior? What is my role? Should I walk away for now at least ? Am I enabling him?? Help Please. I am committed to the beauty of the human being and our path to healing. Any insight would be appreciated.