It's very interesting to see what others have said on here, and how it's similar or different than mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> DV Care said that 1 year wait for every 4 years of M, good M that is </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Woo-hoo! That means I only have to wait like 6 months even though I was M just short of 20 years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(Okay, not really. I probably had a combined total of 3-4 fairly good years if you add up all the short spans of time he was dry between all the years of heavy drinking and staying away from home 'til the wee hours. And despite this situation, I still did love him, though I realize I was a mom, and not a wife to him.)

And like Tummytuck, I think I would end up being a nursemaid to my XH as the years pass. He has a bad kidney as well--birth defect discovered 7 years ago and repaired, but the kidney doesn't function properly. And when you're downing like a fifth of Jack Daniels in a weekend (topped off with a fair amount of beer), it's really hard on that kidney. He passes stones all the time anymore.

Not to mention, his liver can't be healthy. And he comes from a family filled with early heart disease and stroke, his cholesterol is way high, his BP borders on high, he smokes, chews tobacco, drinks excessively, and last I knew was tossing in a little meth on top of all of it. He doesn't exercise, is overweight, and eats total junk. Prescription for falling apart early!

And the saddest thing about that is that he truly believes he's destined to die young (and he's causing it!) so has told his daughter he just wants to be in his current relationship because it's convenient, because she lets him party and drink and he just wants to have fun before he dies, because he knows he doesn't have that long to live...

Heartbreaking! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> And yet, NOT a relationship that I would walk back into for anything! The longer I'm away, the more I can see clearly and understand that a LOT would have to change before I'd even consider seeing him. Not that it matters anyway now. Sounds like he got OW an engagement ring for Christmas. (Need gagging emoticon...)

LL

Y'know, before DDay, I was okay to take care of H if he needed long term care. My mom took care of her mother (not her biological mother). She bathe her, helped her with physical exercise, gave her haircuts, nursed her till the day she died without complain.

But after the A. I realise how selfish H is.
HE WOULD NEVER TAKE CARE OF ME IF I NEEDED LONG TERM CARE.
I have no doubt about it. He doesn't even lend a hand or help me when I am troubled and burdened. He's all talk and no action.

I have a choice to stay or leave.
Am most likely chosing the latter.

I wouldn't. For a long time it was hard for me to even comprehend that, but that's where I am.

Even after I found out about the affair, I would have taken her back. It was her behavior after that which killed my feelings for her.

That and I finallystarted listening to the people who I know care about me. My friends told me she was not for me anymore. My mama told me I needed to let her go, and my mother loved her like her own daughter for ten years. My mother loved that woman more the her own mother did.

Then HER mother called me from Mexico and said the same thing. Yo no se que pasa con este mujer. Eres un buen hombre y necisita dejarla.

That told me a whole lot right there.

Ruffled,

M is ended because we have lost hope of happiness w/ our xSO in the future.

tummytuck,

One could call it selfishness ... but at one point we need to move on and seek our own happiness.

lordslady,

Another thing from Dv Care ... about giving up. It is suggested that one should wait, even after Dv, until one of you M. I need to find a wife quick ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . It is hard to follow Cor 13:4-7.

Noonespecial,

We have our own reason ... why. Regardless the reason, I hope one could make the best use of this life changing event for the better

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>
Noonespecial,

We have our own reason ... why. Regardless the reason, I hope one could make the best use of this life changing event for the better
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed 100 %. No matter what, I'm taking everything I learned on this site wherever I go. I've figured out what it I need to be happy (which is not what i thought it was this spring) and I also know what I am and am not willing to do to make the other person happy. I figure thaat gives me one up on most people out there; I hope so anyway.

Redhat,

What does one say to one's dates or girlfriends when she asks why you are divorced? It's an icky situation. I wouldn't want the other person's sympathy, yet, I don't want to be putting red flags all over my head.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ruffled:
<strong> Redhat,

What does one say to one's dates or girlfriends when she asks why you are divorced? It's an icky situation. I wouldn't want the other person's sympathy, yet, I don't want to be putting red flags all over my head. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell 'em the truth ... start your new R w/ Radical Honesty. If he can't take the truth ... he is not worth a date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .
You have done nothing wrong in your M ... even if you did, it is what you have done afterward defines who you are. Yes, it would be a redflag to me if you are a FWS. I would make sure you are fully repentant and I would see the circumstances but I would not heading for the exit. It is a red flag if my date told me that she is not DV'ed yet, even separation b/c of abandonment. I would not get romantically involved w/ her and I would tell her on the spot. If she is looking for dates, I would stay away from her. I could be her best male freind that she would ever have.

[Added] On all dates after I told her about my Dv I used this opportunity to bring up MB concept <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Why ? b/c my next R/M have to be based on MB ... it is non negotiable.

-rh-

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you for your wisdom

Red Hat! More happy belated Christmas greetings and a very Blessed NEW YEAR to you and your girls!Forgive, my neglect-- just noticed your reply!

Bless you, for your kind hearted felt response. Guess I really picked the bottom of the barrel. HuH! lol. Appreciated your tack. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for the dating scene, gosh thanks for the accolades and vote of confidence.

I am sure not ready for that scene yet, plenty of time later on for that. My children and mom have been the casulities here so they have come first.

Have much healing to do and self discovery. Still under construction. God is at work. Open to developing a whole new life of new good friends. I missed all the interactions, interesting conversations, doing things. Friendships are treasures.

My x had his ways in chasing away and being so RUDE, Boorish to my friends, our nice couple friends. Such a bully! But he's gone-with the good help of his women's/current live in. Hoorah-we're safe and freer!

I now have two invitations for New Years, so back to my happy social self in making the zip rounds! My mourning has ended-well for the most part. I will always hurt my children-for their sake.

Your tack was so appreicated! Quite the piece of work my x is. So glad to be free of his contentions, maliciousness.

My son-send warms nods back-you made his day. Put a big smile on his face. I know he would like to sheepishly respond back to you. You really challenged him in such a good way. Of course this past yr has been awful for him-which you knew it would! Like a virus that enters must run it's course.

Perhaps, the three of us will have a chat again on the board, and bit of a good chuckle. Thankyou, again with a heart full of gratitude for everything! I will never forget your gift support and rescue! Smilin at the things you wrote to my son-check mate fashion.

Hard to keep up with my young man-who's mind is so light years ahead, but who's heart is so damaged! I know you understand the sin's of father heartbreak path!

What a crazy time-scary time-bizarre time. My x had to wk extra time to counter your positive sound influences. Doubled, tripled, his vices and propganda tactics. And abondaned my son in the end just as you said. God used you tremendously.

I pray that God richly blesses you with a wonderful life partner!!! You have touched and helped and given so much of yourself for so many people here-soooo diligent and faithful. So your on my prayer list of requests that's for sure!

Christ love and blessings for you! Another e-card to enjoy! Toodles, sky.

http://www.angelhugs.net/TheTrumpet.htm


Tossed Wave! Belated Christmas Greetings to you and yours and a very,very, Blessed New Years!!!

I truly loved hearing about your Christmas gathering with your son, and friends. Our Christmas was spent much the similar way! We rejoiced embraced and merried in Him.

Read your response here! I absolutely loved every single word what you said so beautifully and rightfully. That huge void! Being now repaired and refilled. Struck such a resounding deep cord with me and can feel resounding joy, too!

I can definately relate to the part of enjoying life without all the chaos! I so know what you mean! I rejoice in with you, around you, right next beside you! Your doing awesome babe! HALLELUJAH, JUBILEEE, BLESSED BE, INDEED!

To be free from all the tension and calamity!

More thoughts for you- I appreciate so much all your support, great advice and prayer support!
This e-card sweety is for you!

Jesus is so here in our midst as we get better! I feel your deep peace!

http://www.angelhugs.com/MayTheLord.htm

Love
Sky

thanks sky,

There is time for very thing ... time to greif, time to heal, time to move on. All of this pain has helped us grow and gave us new hope. Hope of finding fulfilling R <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

-rh-

RD-My pleasure and happiness-glad you enjoyed the thoughts. God is so good!

[]There is time for very thing ... time to greif, time to heal, time to move on. All of this pain has helped us grow and gave us new hope. Hope of finding fulfilling R [] .

I agree- Pain meant for a higher calling and for us to rise and play a greater part. I hear what your saying--

Hope part of finding fulfilling R-whoah,I am not even close to that thread track-though many like yourself who have used their time wisely, done the work,repairs, healed are well most deserving of that fullfillment.

I am confident God will bring that right person to you and those on that track.

When that time, person, moment happens for you! The event to remember. Please accept in advance my deepest congratulations and joy for your happiness!You are a very, very special, kind and wonderful person!

Flip side of things. Though many of us prefer permanance and I do-life/dv/etc,teaches means there is no security but flux and change. A big lesson for me to learn. Learning a "calmer acceptance" of what ever life brings.

God bless you ever so dearly!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Sky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />