Ok, first off let me say I am not dating anyone, nor do I plan on dating anyone, but... ya just never know. What is the general consensus on dating while you are going through a divorce?


MIF?

Well, considering the nature of affairs and fog, you never know when your STBX may decide to want to try and work it out. I would wait until the DV is finalized. Besides, you've waited this long, a few more weeks ain't gonna kill you. On the same lines, if the DV is not finalized, that means you are still married... Dating while still married is the same as what your WS is doing correct? Just my 2 cents...

MIF

MIF

MIF

I'm glad you have asked this question. You are in for some responses. Probably lots of them. More than you would imagine.

I'm going to shoot straight and tell you what the common wisdom is.

You are either married or single.

Separated equals married.

Married means no dating.

If it is wrong for your spouse to date while legally married to you, it is wrong for you to date while married to your spouse.

No middle ground.

Then, after the divorce, there is this thing called HEALING. I forget what the ratio is. But, basically, you probably need a year or two to heal. If you rush into dating, you'll not have time to heal and to learn about yourself and your contributions to the situation.

So, as much as you want companionship, not to mention sex, it's not a good plan when you look at your long-term growth as a person and as a future partner for someone else.

After all, we tend to repeat our mistakes. And that is never a good plan.

Now, I'm going to sit back and watch.

Thanks for the replies. That is what I was looking for. Cinderella, I am ready for some 2x4's so don't hold back. I was just curious, like I said, I do not have any one I am interested in nor do I have any intentions of dating, but ya just never know.

MIF

I would not date, but I would socialize. A lot. Take your time to get to know various members of the opposite sex. Enjoy their company.

Learn to dance. It's a great way to socialize with the opposite sex without having to worry about relationships. And if you are a man, it is one of the few times you can hold strange woman's hand, put your arms around her tightly, and NOT GET INTO TROUBLE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

After my divorce, I dated for a while. It was fun and very reassuring to know that I could meet a woman, ask her out and then go out successfully with her. More than once. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, I realize I still have healing to do, so I have stopped actively seeking dates. I do a lot of things with friends and groups that involve women. But, if I date soon, it will be because things sort of naturally fell into place, not that I was actively seeking a date.

I am glad you asked that question? I haven't filed yet but we are now separated. I went to a party the other night and I actually had people interested! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is a great boost to yourself esteem especially when you have lost out to a OW younger, skinner, and I guess more exciting. But it was also so depressing because I am not interested in those guys if was almost sick feeling. I guess I still would like to have my H back not the wh crazy person.

I am having a real issue with the SF --its only been 3 weeks but I'm 35 and have reached my peak. I am almost feel like begging to my stbx for some releif <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: tdr ]</small>

It's funny you say that. My WW doesn't care for SF, at least she has told me that our whole M. Maybe it's just SF with me she doesn't care for. Anyway, we avereage about once every 3-4 weeks for the last 10 years. Not nearly enough for me. Now I know I won't be getting any from her, not even every 3-4 weeks and I am going crazy. I keep waiting for her to seduce me (yeah right, like that's going to happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

MIF

I think I can give a decent response to this question as it’s basically where I am right now. Before I do, I want to lay out when I started dating and why, as I think that is important.

My wife and I had been having problems for a few years. In July, she left to Texas with the children. I was to sell the house and follow them down. In late August, she started being very cold to me. In early September, she told me that she never really loved me and wanted a divorce. She just couldn’t live her life with me anymore. My heart broke at that time, and if you’re interested, you can read some of my old posts to see what frame of mind I was in.

In early October, I flew down to Texas to see my children and make a final attempt at reconciliation. I arrived in Texas on October 7, my ninth anniversary. The next day, I discovered that my wife was having an affair with her sister’s husband. I was devastated. Her sister found out independently a couple of days later and threw her out of the house.

At this point, I told her that she could still come home, that I forgave her, and that this situation could still be fixed. I explained the MB principles to her and told her that believe it or not, this could actually help fix our marriage. She wasn’t having it. She didn’t love me, she never loved me, and she would never be my wife again. Point taken.

Also at this time, I began to see a different side of my wife. She became a person I didn’t know. She was consistently hurting not only me, but her entire family and our two sons. It seems as if she cares only about herself now and watch out for anyone who got in her way. I don’t know how to describe what happened next except that I felt the love I had for her drain out of me in about a two week period. I literally felt my love for her dissipate. I know it sounds strange.

This is the point when I started dating. All hope of reconciliation was gone. I was realizing that I actually was better off without her, and could accept that. I was still sad for what could have been, the promise of a lifelong companion, but I realized it was not her. Now, I think maybe it never should have been her, but that is a different story.

I decided that the best thing for me to do was to start seeing people again; so I did. I began dating around the second week of November, about two months after she told me our relationship was over, and a month after I discovered the affair. I had been dealing with emotions of losing my wife for four months then, and had no way to even attempt a reconciliation if I wanted to due to the distance.

I’ve dated four women so far, and here is what I have learned from it. It’s a good thing to go out and socialize if you are ready. Just because you take someone out for drinks, dinner, or dancing, doesn’t mean a serious relationship has to develop from it. You can go out and just have fun. It’s OK.

Once things start to get physical, emotion will come into play. The first time that someone gives you what you have been missing for years, you’re going to feel an attachment. For a lot of people, it’s going to be sex. For me, it was being able to hold a woman and mental stimulation. That was what I didn’t have, that’s what got to me. I almost got into trouble on this one. I was enjoying being able to pamper a woman. Hold her, give her kisses, tell her how attractive she was. I was enjoying that a lot. The problem is, that’s all there was and she was beginning to develop feelings. She wanted a commitment already and I’m just not at that point; at least not with her. On that note, I’d advise anyone to write down everything they learned from this site and make a list of what they want form someone BEFORE they start dating. If I didn’t have that list so I could see we weren’t right for each other, I may have ended up in a relationship with her.

Another woman I dated has now become a very close platonic friend. I would like for that to go somewhere in the future, but I’m happy with having a good. This woman clicked with me immediately on a mental and emotional level. I started feeling a very strong affection toward her right away. If I allowed myself to, I could have fallen in love with her. It happened quickly, so be careful. You will get caught up if you’re not careful.

I would say, if you still have any hopes left for reconciliation, don’t date. If you can’t accept the fact of not being with your spouse again, don’t date. If you’re sure of the divorce and want to start getting out here, go ahead and date. Just be careful. Your emotions are going to come into play, and you’re going to find out there’s a whole lot of pain and mistrust out there. Everyone seems to have a wall around them to protect them. People seem to either want a serious commitment right away, or they shy away from anything that may lead to a commitment down the road. If you do date, take it slow. Just have fun without any thoughts of developing a relationship yet. I liked being married. I have been tempted to bring a woman into my life just to replace what I am missing now. Don’t do that, or you and I may be talking on these boards in another ten years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Noonespecial:
<strong>...
Also at this time, I began to see a different side of my wife. She became a person I didn’t know. She was consistently hurting not only me, but her entire family and our two sons. It seems as if she cares only about herself now and watch out for anyone who got in her way. I don’t know how to describe what happened next except that I felt the love I had for her drain out of me in about a two week period. I literally felt my love for her dissipate. I know it sounds strange.

This is the point when I started dating. All hope of reconciliation was gone. I was realizing that I actually was better off without her, and could accept that. I was still sad for what could have been, the promise of a lifelong companion, but I realized it was not her. Now, I think maybe it never should have been her, but that is a different story.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This does not sound strange to me at all. As a matter of fact it is exactly where I am at. It took about a week and my love for my wife just dissipated. I hate her for what she has done to me, our family and our marriage. I still have some love for her. I mean, we have 3 children together, been together a quarter of my life and had something special once. I no longer want to save my marriage. If she took the necessary steps I might be swayed to give it one more shot, but I just don't see that happening and have written off my marriage. I will soon be a divorced father of 3. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MIF

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Noonespecial:
[qb]...
I literally felt my love for her dissipate. I know it sounds strange.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MIF?:<strong> [QUOTE]This does not sound strange to me at all. As a matter of fact it is exactly where I am at. It took about a week and my love for my wife just dissipated. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also don't find this strange. I've had similar feelings over the past month and have also wondered why. I don't know if it's a stress overload reaction, or for real. Time will tell, I guess. I do know I've always tended to lose interest in people who are not interested in me - and there did come a point at which I finally believed my H didn't love me anymore. So, it is possible that caused me to lose my love for him as well.

We certainly live in interesting times, don't we?

quote (originally posted by MIF?):

This does not sound strange to me at all. As a matter of fact it is exactly where I am at. It took about a week and my love for my wife just dissipated. I hate her for what she has done to me, our family and our marriage.

I think we all need to keep in mind Dr. Harley's concept of the Emotional Bank Account. At some point, after WS has made enough withdrawals by his/her _unloving_, selfish words and actions, the balance will be negative and you will, in fact, dislike or even hate the person. But the reverse is also true: if, by some miracle, WS came to his/her senses and started acting in loving ways again (making deposits to the Emotional Bank Account), the balance would increase and you would first tolerate, then like, then even love this person again.

Wishing you a Merry whatever-you-celebrate, and the true peace that truly passes understanding in the New Year.
SurvivingInNC

Dating during this time could hinder your spiritual growth. Inappropriate dependence on a member of the opposite sex during a time of brokenness can easily deprive you of the blessings and growth that can come only from total dependence on God and his grace.
Dating may lead to emotional attachment to the wrong person which will only produce more trouble, heartache and perhaps another bad marriage.

From Marriage Reconciliation Support Group
The Dangers of Dating While Waiting for Reconciliation

Maybe you are not trying to reconcile with your WS but these are good tips. During this time figure out what you need to change about yourself that way you will be prepared for a new relationship.

On a related topic, if you see "dating while divorcing" as a way to meet needs for emotional closeness and/or SF, PLEASE read one of these books:
Every Man's Battle, by Steve Arterburn
Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Ethridge
(You probably know which one you need to read <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but actually it doesn't hurt to read the "other" one, which will give you a glimpse into "the other side" that you may never have seen before.)

Merry Christmas to all,
SurvivingInNC, who is closer to thriving than surviving today

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SurvivingInNC:
<strong> But the reverse is also true: if, by some miracle, WS came to his/her senses and started acting in loving ways again (making deposits to the Emotional Bank Account), the balance would increase and you would first tolerate, then like, then even love this person again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In theory - but what makes someone with bankrupt emotions willing to put effort back into it again? You have to be willing to make the effort - meaning you have to still care. Once the love is gone (or perceived to be gone), it is more difficult to get over the hurdle to recovery.

Quoting me, you said,
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by SurvivingInNC:
But the reverse is also true: if, by some miracle, WS came to his/her senses and started acting in loving ways again (making deposits to the Emotional Bank Account), the balance would increase and you would first tolerate, then like, then even love this person again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In theory - but what makes someone with bankrupt emotions willing to put effort back into it again? You have to be willing to make the effort - meaning you have to still care. Once the love is gone (or perceived to be gone), it is more difficult to get over the hurdle to recovery.

And I agree completely -- in fact, I wanted to put something to that effect in my post but could not figure out how to word it.

In response to your question, the only motivations I know of are (1) God's grace and (2) the realization that, as bad as this prospect is, D is worse. If you have children, divorce is unfortunately _not_ the end of your relationship with X (you'll be stuck in situations with him/her -- or avoiding them -- for the rest of your life). As many people have noted in this forum, the purpose of both Plan A and Plan B is _not_ to change WS, but to change yourself in positive ways regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

Blessings of the season to all,
SurvivingInNC

surviving,
I'll have to check out those books. Thanks.

MIF
How am I doin'?

I think this time of separation should be used for reflection and meditation. There will be a few people that I think can and could reconcile and then if dating is happening, it will place a complete stop to that. Until things are pretty much final, there are still loose ends to deal with.

As for me, I did not date until I was told it was final...and it was final the 26th of December. So I have been legally free one year.

Even when it's signed, you feel freedom. A bit more. But there is still the emotions to daily work through. I am glad that I had the time to wait and work on me. Since divorcing, I began dating and have done fairly well. I agree that intimacy quickly after a D is wrong.

The whole emotional bankruptcy is very right on indeed. My xbf, is a good guy, but did not meet all my en's. And because emotionally my xh left me bankrupt, with a love balance in the negatives, I fell hard for the first guy who appeared to be even remotely close to the right one. I am holding out now for somebody who is willing to meet my en's. And also you need time to just heal.

No need to rush your life. Sure, you got handed a raw deal with the x. We all did. But imho, dating during a divorce or long separation is like trying to put a band aid on an amputated limb. It isn't going to work and won't hold for long.

Plus we all carry baggage from our former marriages. Even if we were not the ones who brought into action the motions of a divorce and even if we were faithful and good to our x spouses. We have to have time to work through them if we want our future relationship to become a success one day...when that right person comes along.

What to do? Meet friends. Get involved in civc groups. Go places. Do things you either neglected doing during your marriage or find activities that will enrich your mind and strenghten your family ties...Get super involved with your kids if you have them and place them first always. By doing those things, when you are finally free, you will have taken baby steps towards finding yourself and who you are NOW and at this time. It will be amazing to see yourself and where you will be just one year later. Trust me on that.

Thank you Peachy -- even though it was not my post it has been a question on my mind. I know I am not old -- but I keep thinking OMG I am old -- if I wait a year or two I am going to be older!!! But deep down I want the next guy not only to be totally into me but totally into my kids -- and I have to work on doing that my self first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tdr:
<strong> Thank you Peachy -- even though it was not my post it has been a question on my mind. I know I am not old -- but I keep thinking OMG I am old -- if I wait a year or two I am going to be older!!! But deep down I want the next guy not only to be totally into me but totally into my kids -- and I have to work on doing that my self first. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I kind of think that too. I mean, I am 33. If I wait a year or two I will be 35. Here I am a 35 yr old man with 3 kids. Who in their right mind would want to date someone like that?????

MIF

Well at least you do not have stretch marks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />