Very Well Said Specialone; I concur!

FR

I just thought I'd add my two cents on this one since I'm dating while divorcing.

First, I'm definitely NOT doing the same thing my STBXWH is doing. He is an alcoholic/addict, verbally abusive serial cheater. He left me just after Thanksgiving four years ago with six teenagers living in our house, for a married employee less than 1/2 his age. Since then, he hasn't worked - I'm supporting him by running our business (of which he's 1/2 owner) alone. I spent 1.5 years trying to reconcile while he lied to both me and MOW in order to continue relationships with both of us. After too many failed reconciliations, I finally instituted No Contact about 2.5 years ago, with the help of a restraining order, after repeated break-ins, death threats, and harrassment.

Like TMCM, my trust in myself is way more damaged than my trust of men in general. I have a damaged "picker" as I, too, had people try to dissuade me from relationship with STBXH, even some of his own friends! I started dating too soon. Even now, I haven't recovered enough to move from being a "renter" to a "buyer", but whatever happens to my current relationship, it's been healing to be in a relationship with someone who's trustworthy, faithful, respectful, and never verbally abusive.

I believe I needed this healing and it hasn't prevented me from working on myself as well. My current relationship is reassuringly sane, except that I don't feel the passion I felt for STBX. Since the only other man I ever felt that way about was the 2nd most dysfunctional relationship of my life, falling in love with dysfunctional men is clearly MY problem - they didn't make me choose them.

I enjoy being alone; I'm not just choosing badly out of loneliness. I feel safer in a relationship with a kind, honest man than unattached and available for another disaster. My friendship with my current boyfriend began because of our similar histories of falling in love with hopeless cases. We are both still healing and neither of us is ready yet for more than a dating relationship.

Toomuchcoffeeman -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is why I have harped on being alone to emotionally recover and to learn to enjoy being by yourself, before you start dating.


I have never been alone..never really lived by myself nor totally supported myself..While the thoughts of it - scares the crap out of me..I know that I need to be alone to heal and prove that I don't have to "have a man" to be whole..That I need to value who I am and what I can and cannot accept in my life. If nothing else what I've learned from my WH A's - and from him not wanting to be w/me is that I have many "friends" that like me for me..for the caring/loving/funny/friendly woman that I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how bad it hurts, I have been there. But I also know how Good it can be, I have been there as well. If I had it to do all over again, I would. Even knowing how much pain I was in for. Because the Good and Happiness I experienced more than made up for it.

I guess I DON'T know how "good it can be"..I thought my WH was relatively happy - he always treated me well, told others he was happy, etc. Basically, he was living a double/triple life but failed to let me in on his "secrets. He never came to me saying he wasn't happy, etc. When he finally did - he was already too far gone and in too deep..

I lived a life of lies - what "I" thought was good wasn't reality..Yes, I'd like to have what "I" thought I had..

I don't regret the 10+ years I spent loving this man - what I regret is that I am a conflict avoider and that I should have made demands for EF and SF years ago - I should have found out his EN and SN rather than accept the "I'm fine" answer that he gave..That I should have looked deeper years ago - I should not have fulfilled myself w/shopping, my pets, etc. to replace the lack of EF and SF that I received from my husband.

I regained the trust in my self when I learned to love me FIRST which meant I treated myself with kindness, caring, respect and equally important, not allowing others to treat me differently. This helped me weed out the unhealthy women like my XWW who were looking for their next victim to leech off. Now that I am married to a kind, caring, respectful and loving woman, my beleif in loving oneself first has been more than reinforced.

TMCM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong> I am certainly nothing special, but I have to tell you that I was shocked by the number of dates I could have gotten when I started going out and socializing. There are a LOT of people out there looking for a good person to be with. And I'm 40 with 5 kids! I'm sure it's much more difficult if you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, but they are out there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is right on. I have found that getting dates is not a problem. Sure, 70%t women will say NO! to me, but the remaining 30% are great women. Of that 30%, 10% will not give me a second date. So, based upon my very limited sample, 20% of the women I am interested in will date me. That's not bad considering I have very high standards for the women I date (they must be breathing, bath regularly, and be sober). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Deja Vu:
<strong>
. Right now I have no life. I used to have a life - way too busy a life - but have either dropped or lost interest in everything else since then. When the dust settles, I am scared of finding out I don't care about anything anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read some good advice on having more friends and doing more things. Rule #1 - accept all invitations. You never know who you will meet. #2 - Entertain once a week at you place. Ok that is hard to do. I am trying to entertain at least once a month in 2005.

Okay, I didn't read all the posts here, but here's what I did as far as dating. My divorce is not final yet. In Aug. I asked my H to leave because he would not give up OW. Even while separated, I reached out to him to reconcile....nothing. I have delved into God's word to help me heal and I have come so far. I have consulted with my priest about the way I was interpreting scriptures and he has given me wonderful advice. I harbor no hatred, no anger, no bitterness towards my H or OW anymore....my heart no longer hurts. Peace feels so good.

It was at my point of peace that I went to an attorney to file....I wasn't going to be in limboland any longer. We proceeded with the divorce. There was someone interested in me. It was only when I was at peace and knew there was no turning back for me that I let that relationship start. He wanted to wait until the divorce was final....he didn't want to interfere. I sort of grew impatient because my H was dragging his feet. I knew that I was going to divorce him, so we agreed that it would be okay to get involved. We also decided that we were not going to have any expectations of one another yet.....he knew I didn't need to dive into another relationship so soon. So we talk and we play and we have fun....is that wrong?