</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adgirl48:
<strong>Gnome de plume- realizing that I may get blasted because of my initial email and I sound like i am contradicting myself- I remember this situation with your friend because I had that situation. You have dealt with this a long time and I believe you are preventing yourself from finding someone who truly wants to be with you. I ended up not talking to my friend for about 6 months so I could heal, I do talk to him now but it is different. I don't have any romantic expectations. I want you to find someone who really wants to be with you and that you can wholeheartedly love and who will respect and honor you. Be careful not to let this friendship stand in the way of that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly appreciate your concern and well-wishes for me, adgirl48. Believe me, I have asked myself many times whether I am blocking myself from the kind of relationship you are talking about - and it does indeed seem possible to me that I am doing that. However, I can't see how it actually matters one way or the other.

First, I don't think there's anything I can do about it. Yeah, I'm sure that it would be less difficult for me emotionally if I could get some distance from my friend. But to do that I would have to abandon pretty much everything in my life except for my job. We go to the same church. Our circle of friends has a lot of overlap. Our activities have a lot of overlap. Our interests have a lot of overlap. It's not just me following her around, understand. We get invited to the same social events.

And much like an affair addiction, I think it would be necessary to do a complete "no contact" in order to attenuate my feelings for this woman. If I were to take such a drastic step, I think I'd need to have a better reason than just running away from my feelings - especially since a good many mutual friends would be affected.

And what would doing that buy me anyway? It's not so much my heart that's the problem; it's my head! With this woman, there are more points of compatibility and complementarity than I would ever have believed would be possible to find in two people. But now that I know such a match is possible, it's hard for me to consider settling for anything less. I don't believe I'm tied to the idea that my match has to be this woman in particular, but...she has nevertheless raised the bar awfully high, and that's not going to change even if I could somehow rid myself of my feelings for her.

Another consideration is that I've got a lot going on in my life, and the idea of investing significant amounts of time and money for the sole purpose of meeting women in order to try to figure out if they could become that special someone - well, that idea has very little appeal to me. I much prefer the idea of living my life normally (as annasnewlife described) and seeing if a mutual interest develops with someone along the way. I'd like to believe that it is enough for me to try to keep an open heart and mind to the possibilities. But as far as I have been able to detect, no one has (ever) revealed the slightest degree of romantic interest in me. And yes, I have actually "gone out" (alone) with a number of women - including buying some of them dinner. But, to the best of my knowledge, none of those occasions were viewed by either of us as "dates" per se, in the potentially romantic sense.

So as long as there are no other suitable prospects to be deprived of my attentions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , just who is being hurt by my interest in this one woman? I have no actual expectations of a romance developing - I really don't believe I am deluding myself on that point. And the price I pay in frustration is by no means uncompensated, as not only do I find great delight in her company, but she has been very instrumental in my growth as a person.

No, this is a situation where I'm very interested in seeing what God will work out and how. But I'm too busy to get too impatient about it.

Gnome de plume,
If you aren't hurting, that is all I was concerned about. You just sounded down. It does sound like it would be hard to detach. And someone may come along and knock your socks off, you never know!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Annas new life- Thanks for sharing your story with me! Sounds like you are very happy.

An update on my situation- ex called around 11 and said his boss said he would need to camp out at work tonight and that he was having to work really late and could we get together next week. I asked him if this was true or if he just really did not want to meet. He said, no he did want to meet, that this just came up and he wanted to reschedule - I told him if he was uncomfortable meeting me that he could say so and I would not be angry. He said he wanted to meet me. Next week I am out of town all week on business- we are supposed to meet the 20th. That gives me 2 weeks to pray and think really hard about what to say. I went to therapy and talked there about it as well. Bottom line- I need to do this, for closure. I need to do this to move on. I just have to figure out what to say and how to say it. I am very confused because I read things in the Bible like the story of Hosea and Gomer but then I also read about God hating adultery and that it is ok for me to divorce. I am just going to read a lot of information (like the book you recommended Gnome) and go from here.

I just read this post and skimmed the replies.....

I too feel like there is a permanent connection between me and my exH....and have felt as though there was some kind of force pulling me towards him in the past few days.......but rationally, I know better than to go back, even more so after reading your thread. My ex had a porn addiction of sorts too.....I don't need to fight with that again.

As for you situation, he is LIVING WITH THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. You're no longer married. Maybe see him to do some apologizing to clear your conscience and wash away some of the guilt you are carrying, but I don't think you have any hope of a relationship with him.

I hear ya, dating sucks, there seems to be no one out there that I'll ever have a connection with like the one I had with my ex, but what's over is over.

Gosh, I am glad I came to MB tonight and came across your thread(s). In giving you advice, it cleared up my own confusion. Maybe my coming here was somehow orchestrated by God....

Take care,

Jen

Jen Brown,
I am not holding on to false hope. And dating does not completely suck, it is just uncomfortable. And I realize, whether you put it in all caps or lower cases, that he lives with the OW or GF or whatever. Fully aware of that. Eyes wide open. I also know that I have met other men that I do have a connection with on a different level, and I realize that my ex and I did not communicate well, fight well, make up well, or respect/love each other well. I said a vow to love him, honor him and respect him and even before knowing about the porn I did not do that. I sometimes feel like I was never married and sometimes feel like there is a hole in my life where he is missing. Both ways. My point of seeing him is to tell him I am sorry for those times when he needed me and I didn't notice him, those times when I could have paid more attention, done more, loved more, encouraged more. I need to do that to move on. Whatever the outcome of the other stuff (him living with her)- that is not the main focus, but the focus to me is that we were married, and I could have done more to show I loved him. Could he have? Yes, should he have? Yes. But this is my time to get my flaws out, lay them on the table, and be able to be free- whatever that holds.

What I want to know is why hasn't he married this OW????

Arwin,
He told me when he left he was leaving for OC, not for OW. I didn't know if he meant it, but he said he was going to be a full time dad- now he is and can be when he is living with her. When I talked to OW when ex and I were divorcing, she admitted she wanted me to divorce him so they could get married and be a family- I told her I didn't think that would happen- I told her that he had a hard time committing to me, I didn't think he would commit to someone he had an affair with. That wasn't even said out of spite from me, more out of knowing how he despised making tough decisions and committing. But he is obviously committing to the child, so I guess I don't really know what is going through his mind. That might be a good thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well I sure wouldn't feel good about that if I were her. She must think he might change his mind about her after awhile. How old is the child now?

Arwin,
I found out about the affair 8/20/02 and his child was born
8/20/03. I dont' know the circumstances of OW/GF and his relationship enough to know how she feels about not being married to him.

I am sorry that I wrote my post as though you were unaware that he was living with her. Of course you are fully aware of that. Go for it, meet with him to say your apologies, and clear your conscience. It may be just what you need to close this chapter of your life.

Take care,

Jen:)

Jen,
It's ok- I didn't mean my reply to sound harsh. I just meant, that it is loud and clear for me- almost unbelievable, but still clear. I am just in a place right now where I need to talk to him- it really isn't about OW, it's about the two of us and the relationship we had. Resolving the good, the bad, and the really ugly.
I hope you are doing well.
=) Good to hear from you.

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Well my ex and I are meeting at Krispy Kreme (although I don't think I will be in the mood for a doughnut-which is surprising actually!) tomorrow at 6 PM to talk. I am ready to make amends for my part of screwing up some things, and then let the chips fall where they may. I just hope and pray I have some peace after this meeting and can move on regardless.