I second what LetsTry says about AA - my MIL (now deceased, God rest her Soul) was a faithful member of NorthSac AA for about 35 years until she passed away. She tried to be the person someone would desire for a mate, as well as being a Sponsor and Friend for so many of the North Sacramento AA Members.
But, her Marriages were a disaster. You, LL, said that your husband was an Alcoholic AND Substance Abuser. Not good. Not good at all. Can you expect someone like that - who is currently abusing now to hand you good advice and to build your self-esteem? I think not! There are some folks - my EX-Wife among them - who are HELLBENT on throwing away their lives with BOTH hands. She's done an admirable job of it with no help from me. Sounds like your husband wants to throw his away as well - so fine. Let him. You can't stop him anyway. Advice is just that: take it or leave it. Not all advice is good. Some advice is so blatantly just a bunch of Bull$hit you have to just walk away from it..
JMHO.
SDLOM

I have not read many of the posts here, but I did see your pic on the photo thread, and I am going to tell you that you will not have any trouble finding a man who will want to marry you.

Do not worry about this situation, because God WILL bring a good man into your life.

GB

Whew!
I am so glad many of you had encouraging replies for LL here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(And I was worried about not finding someone again at 34.)

Although I'm looking for something a little different. (I like the rocker type of guy i.e. long hair, leather, jewelry, but DEFINITELY SOMEONE WHO PLACES GOD FIRST IN THEIR LIFE!)
That may be a diamond in the rough for me to find.

LL - sweetie I don't think you'll have any problems either. I know how you feel in a way though.
I fear first how in the heck am I going to find a Christian "rocker" type guy and then who's going to even take a second look once they find out I have an infant?
UG.

Hang in there LL, Looks like things might not be as dismal in the remarrying dept. for you as whatever you read suggested.

Maybe the demographic was taken from northern Alaska or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Tess, you're funny!!

I'll be 39 in five months and I find most guys go for sweet-young-things just coz they are less challenging, naive, not to mention 'happier' - as my H puts it. Of course, OW still lives with parents, is carefree and has no responsibility! She earns a salary but constantly spends more than she earns. I'd be happy if I had someone to take care of ALL my bills too!!

I live in South East Asia. The population here is very young. There are more 20 somethings than any other age. That fact alone makes me lose confidence in future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My OW was about 22 when she had the A with my H. Looked like a schoolgirl- has not even blossomed into a woman, yet sleeping with someone else's H. Disgusting.

You may find the statistics for this age group very misleading. A lot of people in the over 50 crowd DO NOT remarry but have very satisfying, long term relationships that carry them into maturity. They don't for a variety of reasons including finances, Social Security or disability benefits, pensions, etc. Also, they may not want to risk passing on their properties free and clear with no complications to their children. Also, they may not want the binding committment that is marriage. They may want a love relationship, but also want that extra bit of freedom that being single adds.

I am 53, look about 40, and look forward to dating 'younger' men when I finally 'get out.' I doubt I would EVER remarry. There is just nothing in it for me. I beleive I can have a loving long term relationship without ever remarrying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ruffled:
<strong> Tess, you're funny!!

I'll be 39 in five months and I find most guys go for sweet-young-things just coz they are less challenging, naive, not to mention 'happier' - as my H puts it. Of course, OW still lives with parents, is carefree and has no responsibility! She earns a salary but constantly spends more than she earns. I'd be happy if I had someone to take care of ALL my bills too!!

I live in South East Asia. The population here is very young. There are more 20 somethings than any other age. That fact alone makes me lose confidence in future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My OW was about 22 when she had the A with my H. Looked like a schoolgirl- has not even blossomed into a woman, yet sleeping with someone else's H. Disgusting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your OW still lives at home ?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
What the heck do her parents think about her being with an older married man?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Please don't tell me they don't know about it.

Yeah, of course their 'happier' like you said no responsibility. Let her put on a few years and heap on a mortgage, car payment, and a child or two and we'll see how happy go lucky she is then.

Unbelievable.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ruffled, I'd like to just slap both of them for you.

Woody Allen comes to mind for some reason.
Hmmm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Rosiepiesix said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I beleive I can have a loving long term relationship without ever remarrying.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think while this works for some people, my biblical beliefs contradict this. I know I won't have a long term relationship (at least not one that includes physical intimacy--and it'd be pretty darned hard not to if I were in a long-term relationship <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) if I'm not married to the person.

LetsTry & Sauron--I do appreciate your push for Al-Anon. I'm not ignoring you. I'm just stubborn, and keep thinking of reasons I shouldn't.

Ruffled--maybe the OW's parents are so happy about seeing their daughter move out from their house so that they can quit supporting her, that they don't care if she's moving out to be with another woman's husband?? I really think this was the case with my XH's OW. She wasn't living at home--she was living on welfare. But it was about to run out, and I don't think either of her parents wanted her to come live with them, so they accepted the fact that she was seeing a married man because this way they didn't end up being responsible for her and her baby.

LL

Oh, and all who have responded with compliments--thank you for caring. I truly hope someday I reach a point where I am confident about my looks. I don't think I'm hideous overall, but just very ho-hum.

On the other hand, people who think they're all that and a box of chocolates really get on my nerves. I try hard to never be a proud, "better than you are" person, even with things like academics, when I was top of my class in school. I've been on the receiving end of that attitude and it hurts.

LL

LL - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LetsTry & Sauron--I do appreciate your push for Al-Anon. I'm not ignoring you. I'm just stubborn, and keep thinking of reasons I shouldn't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why I told you the story of the woman I know who finally came into Al-Anon after everyone in her family was finally doing well enough not to need her so much anymore and she was falling apart. I did the same thing - I, too, am very stubborn. Just like the alcoholics, we, too, have to "hit bottom" first. It's kind of like that old WC Fields (I think?) quote, "I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member." I went looking for ways to help him, I didn't want to admit I needed help for myself, and that helping myself was the best way for me to help anybody else.

I agree with you that humility is a goal to strive for, but, and this is the hardest part for me (as it sounds like it is for you), true humility means accepting our God given abilities, talents, physical assets, etc. as well as our faults. It means doing as the flight attendants tell us and putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first, before we try to take care of anyone else.

It means doing as the flight attendants tell us and putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first, before we try to take care of anyone else.

Okay, so even if I follow directions and put myself first in this situation...

How in the heck do I ever pull that seat cushion out from under my rearend and use it if we are crashing into the water (er...sorry.. "in the event of a water landing" Sounds so much safer that way.).

(I've flown way too much in years past, and I really hate flying, btw!)
------------------------------------------------

In all seriousness. I am listening. I am thinking. I do readily admit I need help on a lot of different levels. But I admit I'm stubborn...really, REALLY STUBBORN!! When I get something in my head, it's hard to change it.

But I can be changed. Ask the GQII oldies. They told me from the beginning I'd be better off away from the drama of an alcoholic/drug using/unfaithful spouse. I told them I would die without him if we didn't save our marriage. I refused to do a plan B to get me away from the pain--gave 1000 reasons why I couldn't (all valid, by the way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I was stubborn and made my life a lot more difficult than it needed to be, but eventually, when I did start to pull away from the chaos, I really didn't die. I felt lots better. They were right. It just took a long time before I believed them.

LL

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, you've taken an important first step by being here on MB as well as posting and listening to suggestions. There is much wisdom here on these boards.
I would suggest (if for now you're a little too uncomfortable or not quite ready yet for AA or Co Dependency Meetings) that you get some good books out of the local library or buy a few at the local bookstore on CoDependency and Spouses of Alcoholics. Also might try 'Growing Thru Divorce' by Jim Smoke - that book was a huge help in my ugly Divorce when I was alone and uncertain about anything..
One other thing I'll comment on: I absolutely HATED my school days - kids are so mean. They sucked in the way they treated me. I hated it.
My parents are always asking me when I'm going to Class Reunions, and I tell them HELL NO I'm not going. What do I want to see those peeps for now - I'm glad we don't have any more contact! I was forced to endure their cruelty in Public Schools, but no more. Sure, I'm told that we all grow up, mature, etc. sure that's fine but what about the emotional scars they leave you? My way of dealing with it was to do a Journal about 'letters I'd write to them' then let it go. And so I have - I do not care if I ever see them again. I'm not angry at anyone, just glad that I have a CHOICE of do I want to see any of them again. And my choice is No...
And something else to remember to is: True beauty comes from inside, not just outward looks. There are those of us who are blessed enough to have both, and then there are the rest of us... so we make the best of it, enjoy life with our friends and family and move on.
SDLOM
Sorry if this sounds rambling - I get that way sometimes. It's also a way of dealing with things as well...
LL, you've got a way to go, but you WILL get there! And you'll look back someday on this dark time in your life and say, "Wow. Sure glad I'm over that!" And then you'll grin and come back here to MB and post your experiences and help others going thru the same sitch.
Keep your head up and get into some good books!
God bless,
SDLOM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>I truly hope someday I reach a point where I am confident about my looks. I don't think I'm hideous overall, but just very ho-hum.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ho-hum, huh? Hmm.

I hope you reach that point too, LL. Objectively speaking, you are...what, about 95th percentile in the looks department? Something like that, anyway. And you call that "ho-hum"? There's something not quite right about your scale...

As I see it, there are two competing myths when it comes to feminine beauty. They've been set up against each other, but they are both lies.

The first lie is that the class of humans called "men" prefers some particular region (or regions) of the spectrum of female physical attributes over other regions.

The truth is, those preferences have always been subject to fads, and individual preferences have always diverged considerably from whatever the prevailing fad may be. (Although, I must admit, I got suckered into believing this lie myself for a time. When I was in college, I actually worried on occasion that I might have pedophilic tendencies because I personally found small breasts to be so much more attractive than large breasts. Fortunately, I figured out the lie before I was irreversibly harmed, and I learned to accept my personal aesthetic as being perfectly legitimate and natural. Ahem.)

The second lie is that appearance doesn't (or at least shouldn't) matter to men. The pretense is that an enlightened adult male will see past any exterior and accept a female's body no matter what it looks like; men get lambasted for being so "shallow" as to admit that it makes a difference to them.

Well, sorry, but to the vast majority of men I believe appearance does make a difference, whether they dare to admit it or not.

The propaganda wars have resulted in some women practically demanding to be accepted and admired no matter what their shape or mode of dress, while other women obsess over "flaws" which few men perceive as flaws at all.

But do you want to know what men really find physically attractive in a woman? It's pretty simple, actually: a healthy, fit body carried with grace and self-assurance.

Yes, the secret that men everywhere know, but which cosmetics manufactureres and plastic surgeons desperately want to keep women from finding out, is that men find a wide variety of female shapes to be beautiful - as long as the female in question appears healthy. A woman who is genetically wired to be plump is going to look worse if she starves herself in order to match a prevailing ideal of slimness, while a woman who is genetically wired to be thin is going to look worse if she packs on the pounds.

Let's face it: if a woman doesn't look as if she can be bothered to take care of herself, a man is going to wonder whether she can be bothered to take care of him. And if she's not even comfortable being herself, how can she expect anyone else to be comfortable with her?

But even so, the primary importance of appearance is in getting a man to take "notice" in the first place. It's amazing how, the more you come to love someone, the more beautiful they become. There's a tradeoff here: a woman who shows up on a lot of men's radars is going to have to deal with a lot of...um...losers, I guess we'll call them. (Even if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to go through the dating travails justpeachy has described.) On the other hand, a woman who flies mostly under the radar is probably going to have to spend time developing friendships with men before they start to see her in a different light.

Personally, I believe that the friendship route is the best route under just about any circumstances. Live your life doing what you want to do and being who you want to be, developing your relationships with God and other people because you love them and are interested in them rather than because you wonder whether anyone is ever going to marry you. It's when you don't need a man that they will find you most attractive anyway.

And in the end, if God wants to see you married again, it's not your job to make it happen. Someone with a lot more wisdom and resources is going to take care of it!

And it doesn't matter whether you deserve it or not. God loves you.

Women reach their seductive prime in their 40's and hold onto it through their 50's.
Trust me. I know this. I have observed many middle aged women over the last year. I am 100% correct.

JustinExplorer, You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Women reach their seductive prime in their 40's and hold onto it through their 50's.
Trust me. I know this. I have observed many middle aged women over the last year. I am 100% correct.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I love you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I agree Letstry!

I was hanging on that myself.

K.

Being technologically less than a wunderkid, how do I post my photo on that album? There is one of me there but it doen't bear a great resemblance to my present-day true self. Although no one has told me I looked bad in that picture, no one has told me I look good.