Crushed--
I would like to have a few moments for you. First of all, welcome. I am also sorry to hear for your pain and wish you love and peace. There is an excellent book I read last year called "When Your Lover is a Liar". It is very eye opening. Was for me anyway. It can help you understand how the liar thinks, the lies he can tell, and how to give a response and evaluate their responses...and more...how to NOT get into that kind of relationship AGAIN.
Having been M'd to a guy who had multiple affairs (two more serious than the numerous girls he slept with) I know how it hurts each time. How you somehow begin to think you're going totally insane...that he would tell you you didn't see something that you really saw...or that he'd say something and that he really didn't say it at all. And your ego takes a huge nose dive during all this too. Your H is a prolific cake eater. An earlier poster here said he could be a narcissist. Possibly, but I see possibly sociopath as well. He was "caught" as early as 2 weeks ago with yet another affair. He has always "said" what he has had to say to get his way. All the affairs were self-serving. He got his cake and ate it too for years. Plus there is the controlling behavior which is hard to deal with. My xh, in the end, was extremely manipulative and controlling. If I went to the grocery store, he would interrogate me after I returned, sometimes following me. If too much money was withdrawn out of our bank account, he would quiz me about it. He tried to blame an "eyewitness" to his affairs as "it's their fault"...My sister in law (sister's husband sister) and her fiancee witnessed my then H, making out with a strange woman at a nightspot. My sis in law's finacee, whom my H knew, confronted him at the bar directly and my x acted soooo cool. Just calmly talked to him although he didn't introduce monkey ho (what I call ow1), he acted very suave and nonchalant about the whole thing. When x came home, he asked me if I got any calls from my family. I told him that my sis and bro in law called and I told him to leave. He then went into a whole speech about how my family was trying to "destroy our marriage because they found out about him cheating the first time.". He made MY own family out to be the liars and kept me from being in contact with them. Shortly after that time, was when he first exhibited violent behavior. It went on off and on until the day I filed...and then after when he broke into my home.
What I am saying is this...as of now, I don't think you can help your H. You acknowledge this. He is seriously in need of help. Lost, you are really in serious need of help. I sense that there is alot of things your wife is NOT admitting here...But the signs point to something not very good. And Lost, get yourself some good help--psychologist or MD. It is serious when you get to a point where the lies support more lies which support more lies.
I know Crushed how you feel. But becoming whole and healthy is what you need to focus on. And you can become healthy and whole and so can the kids. You need to move out asap. We will support you, and support Lost in his endeavors to get help for his behaviors. But YOU need emotional protection right now. And a kind, listening ear of a professional to help guide you. I wish I could honestly say to work it out with him, but this situation has grown far too toxic. And it's obviously had such a painful impact on you. And don't be afraid to leave in a hurry if you have to...with his recent affair within 2 weeks and this desperate behavior to control you every move, he could be escalating. I am saying this only out of love for you and kindness so that you can have this chance to move on. Honestly, I don't think living in that home with him is safe right now.
Be safe Crushed. And do what is right. And to Lost..please recognize you have a very serious issue on your hands. Your betrayals and lies for years upon years left their mark. She's done. And I can even say so as a BS who's H left, that a day comes when I said "done" and it was way before my divorce was final. Please do not attempt to control her again. Give her the respect in the end she deserves. And above all, seek the help of a good professional right now so you all can have a good chance to be good parents to your kids. And btw...being "addicted" to romance is not getting it with me. I see it as something different, a sign of something else. It's a nice label for something dastardly. Being "in love with love" isn't an excuse you can pass off. I am not sure what's going on exactly, but when you see your psych, he or she will get to the bottom of it. You're just reacting to her leaving...being WITHOUT any cake to eat for the first time in maybe 10 years.
