Gingersnap - There are a few of us ladies on here that have had very similar WH..

If he would just leave me alone I'd be better off..It's that nice to me one day - ignore me the next - "the dance" - that wrecks havoc on my life/emotions..

This man told me flat out - he was never going to leave me..Well, it's not becoz he loved me and was "sick" - it's becoz he wanted his cake..he truly believes that what he was/is doing is ok..he's probably been a cheat all his life and that's all he knows..He fears true intimacy/he does not trust in only one person..he needs many OW to fulfill his needs..hell, I can't fulfill what I don't know exists - nor can they..

Anyway - I did go to dinner last nite and that really made him angry - he believed I was out meeting my BF (who doesn't exist) had the NERVE to ? where I went and w/whom..Hello, I haven't asked him anything in over 9 months..Why would I owe him an answer...It's funny how these WS get protective over what they believe still belongs to them..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reasons I stayed in a less than good M.Sure we had good times but the bad far out weighed the good.And then when we were getting to a time in our life when I thought things were changing and we were finally going to be able to live a little he goes and has an A.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH and I never fought - rarely argued..We didn't have bad times..When he hooked up w/a loser friend from the past and had A's w/women at work was when the S*(* hit the fan. And yes, our life should easy - we are debt free..have no financial issues - have more $ than ever..We should be going on vacations, enjoying life together and yet we aren't - we are both miserable..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess what I am trying to say is that I see the pain in your words and wonder is it really worth staying?? Why be unhappy in life,why not be happy.Yes it is hard to walk away believe me I know but I would rather be happy alone,then live a misserable life then die. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am still in alot of pain of losing the 1 man I ever truly/deeply loved..The pain will take along time to get past. But each day it eases alittle..Knowing that deep inside he is empty he is sick that real people don't act/do these things, keeps me hanging on longer than I should..

I will get to the point of leaving - I will file for D - but, for the meantime, I will continue to live my lifestyle and to try and block him out. I will leave becoz I deserve happiness - we all do. I'll realize that he doesn't want to get well/whole. Maybe he'll met someone and he'll file for D - though, with his track record of MOW - I don't see that happening - w/him knowing what he'll have to pay me he'll drag his feet as long as possible.

Hugs to all of us that still long for a healthy relationship..At least, we haven't given up hope..

My soon to be x told me that he did not want to sign the paper work because he did not want to let me go!! I said really is that what you were thinking when you were screwing someone else?? I doubt the thought of me and how I would feel or react ever entered his mind.I know that at the time he told me of his A he had every intention of leaving me for her.

So I have a question for you..........if the paper work is filed but the D is not final,and you go out to dinner w/someone is it cheating??
Just a thought.

Ginger, you are so right! My opinion, no it is not cheating. You made it very clear that you want out of the marriage and you are at the step. I know that we have been sitting around trying our hardest to make our marriages work while they just sit on their a$$es. We did all that we could do. If you look at it legally? Yes, it is cheating but in reality? No!

Our husbands are just controling monsters who can't bear to think of losing what they once had. Yep, should have thought of that when they were acting selfish..OOOHhhh and don't get me started on the needs thing. Cuz I was there in every way possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> If they weren't so stupid, they would have tried to help us put our marriages in a better place a long time ago. I just tell Randy, "Well, obviously I am not that important enough to really want to make our marriage work." He can try all he wants, but I dont want to spend my life with a man like this. I DESERVE BETTER! YOU TOO MY FRIEND!!!

Ali~

Ali you and I think so much alike that if they put us in a room together it might be dangerous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> well at least for 2 men I know...LOL

Ginger - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My soon to be x told me that he did not want to sign the paper work because he did not want to let me go!! I said really is that what you were thinking when you were screwing someone else?? I doubt the thought of me and how I would feel or react ever entered his mind. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men do not like to Lose - even if they don't want us they don't want anyone else to have us either..The only attn I've received lately is becoz he heard I had a bf...
Your right - they are not thinking of us or anyone else when they are screwing around..It's all about their needs..They don't think they will get caught and they don't see us leaving them.
I think my WH justified his actions - it's sex/no strings attached/fun..We aren't hurting anyone..He doesn't get the big picture..He can't be a husband to me if he's involved at any level elsewhere..He thinks he can do it all..and he can't.
I truly believe that if my WH would have feel in love w/one woman I could accept it easier..But, when you cheat w/MANY other women something is seriously wrong w/you. I asked him last week if he cared so much for so and so- why are you screwing so and so - he just shrugged his shoulders. I'm livid about his cheating and the type of man he is - I can't believe really I can't that he could lower himself so far. That he would want sex w/some of these women that are so beneath his level. He's an extreme perfectionist - it's like he goes for the extreme opposite of me and himself..SICK..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I have a question for you..........if the paper work is filed but the D is not final,and you go out to dinner w/someone is it cheating??
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALot of MB would say YES it's cheating..Awhile ago I would have agreed..Now, I say NO - our spouses are having a good old time w/thier OP - they are treating us like crap so if a friend wants to go for dinner/drinks and their is no chance of it being more than that - I say why not..and I believe that whether the papers are filed or not..Alittle time out from the abuse does a body good..

IF the papers are filed and it's truly over for both of you - why keep your life on HOLD..If it's over it's over. It's time to regain your sanity and build a new life..

Ali88 - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Way toooo familiar to me! Hurt we should go riding together and get Ginger to go and put her on a horse. We all can talk and have some equine therapy. We have great trails that run by the river here!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get my horse fix every nite...I'd die w/o it..For me it's not just the riding - it's "everything equine"...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you look at it legally? Yes, it is cheating but in reality? No!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having dinner/drinks is not legally or morally cheating..Now, SF that is cheating...EA that is cheating your spouse out of time/sharing/being a spouse. Spending time on thoughts of the OP that's cheating your spouse..JMHO..Boy, has my outlook changed over the past months..I had dinner w/a male friend a few months ago - turned out his wife came along even if she hadn't I wouldn't view it as cheating..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our husbands are just controling monsters who can't bear to think of losing what they once had. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's it - CONTROL - they control us, they control OP they just can't control the one person they should - THEMSELVES...

How come wefigure this all out and they can't see it????????

Oh they see that their controling. If they stop, look what they will loose? They don't want to give it up! If they would let down their defenses for once, maybe some light would shine on them!!??
And maybe they would get it for a second! LOL

Oh, as for dinner and drinks? No, that is not cheating. I was referring to dating. If dinner and drinks is considered cheating, then I have been cheating all along!

Speaking of total equine! I stripped down three stalls the other day. Ughhh. I was a barn princess. Spoiled rotten! I am sooo glad I did not work out that morning cuz I would have been dead! But the nice thing about it, it was 68 degree and I was sweating. The horses were turned out and looking at me each time I dumped a pile of their poop out. Hummm, who gets treated like royality?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

“””Men do not like to Lose - even if they don't want us they don't want anyone else to have us either….Your right - they are not thinking of us or anyone else when they are screwing around..It's all about their needs.”””

I’m sorry, are you talking about your husband or my x-wife? What you speak of IMHO is not a male/female trait but I people trait. Sorry, I don’t care for stereotypes…

“””A Lot of MB would say YES it's cheating..”””

I wouldn’t say it’s cheating and don’t know of hardly any other MB who would say it was. Many of us have and will continue to say that it is playing with fire, depending on your emotional state.

“””they are treating us like crap so if a friend wants to go for dinner/drinks and their is no chance of it being more than that - I say why not.”””

These boards are full of people who said “Why Not”, yep there was one just yesterday who said that and ended up at the guy’s apartment. Didn’t plan on having an affair, went out with friends, and then life happened. Granted a lot of this is based on one’s morals, which what is right for me may not apply to you, and it also depends on where you are in the divorce/healing/grieving process. I’m one who believe that you need to take time to heal, feel comfortable in your own skin, before you take the risk, not necessarily solely because I believe that having a relationship while divorcing is legally/morally wrong but more importantly because I believe that having any type of relationship while you are emotionally unhealthy will end up as an unhealthy relationship more times than not. I view it as an insurance policy for your heart.

“””IF the papers are filed and it's truly over for both of you - why keep your life on HOLD..If it's over it's over. It's time to regain your sanity and build a new life..”””

Exactly, but then we get to define what exactly that means. I believe that it begins with laying a strong foundation and that foundation is a strong and healthy you. Then work outward from there by surrounding yourself with those same strong and healthy qualities.

I agree in the fact that some people are so weak that they can not even have dinner w/out it leading to sex.But I do not believe this is how it has to be.

Why can people not have selfcontrol?? Self respect?? I dont understand this.If the boundries are set before you ever go then there should be no problem.The problem arises when one person does not respect the other persons boundries or the person setting the boundries is to weak to control themselfs.I think that you know what kind of a person you are long before you ever go have dinner w/a friend.

So if you know you are a weak person then maybe you should not even put yourself in this situation.But if you are a strong person w/self respect and morals I think dinner w/a friend should be no problem.I know it wouldnt be for me.

Lost - Sorry for the sterotype - I was being one sided here. Yes, both men and women can be controlling..Since I'm only dealing w/my WH's control or should I say LACK OF CONTROL - and my maintaining my morals/standards that's the only side I saw..Though, IMHO I think men will fight harder not to lose when they are backed against the wall..again, JMHO

I was ranting the other day about my WH not having a set of life standards/morals, etc and my friend said - Oh, he has standards/morals they just aren't the same as yours..She sure put me in my place..and she was right..

He apparently can have SF and not be in love or view it as a threat to his marriage...I cannot..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m one who believe that you need to take time to heal, feel comfortable in your own skin, before you take the risk, not necessarily solely because I believe that having a relationship while divorcing is legally/morally wrong but more importantly because I believe that having any type of relationship while you are emotionally unhealthy will end up as an unhealthy relationship more times than not. I view it as an insurance policy for your heart.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lost - I agree w/time to heal and becoming emotionally healthy before you begin a new "relationship" - but, I don't view friendship the same way I view a "relationship". Friends, help you heal, they walk w/you thru the process, they help you become health, boost your self-esteem when you have been blindsided

Should it matter if they are of the opposite sex?

Not to me it doesn't matter..

Are the words relationship/friendship just a play on words?? Not to me they aren't. There is a distinct difference...

RIght now, I only have male/female friendships - I am not in a "relationship" w/either gender..

My male riding instructor is a friend - yes, I can talk to him about my WH - I can do dinner/drinks/shopping etc. He can emotionally support me - He's gay - he's safe..

After basically being on my own for the past 9+ months - (though still living w/WH) I'm healing - do I want to begin a "relationship" absolutely NOT..I have along way to go till I'm truly healed/healthy - till I can met someone's needs..and now that I know what more of my needs need filled - I may never met someone or let my guard down. I do believe I am still emotionally damaged by all this infidelity -

I truly question - Are all men like this??? I question total/lifelong committment in itself..With such promescuity (spelling) today - I dont' know how M can survive. I see women that I would view as nice, good wives, mothers, etc. then I see that my WH made them into tramps so easily they fell off the wagon..yes, Bill including myself many years ago..Or is my WH just so good at the game - and not all men play this game??

Yes, I'm afraid of what's out there for me..

Ali88 - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If they would let down their defenses for once, maybe some light would shine on them!!??
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely my dear..If my WH would just let me in and put all these MOW/OW out - he would see that a strong giving/relationship is a good thing. That life isn't all about SF - true SF comes from true intimacy/love..Those that fear intimacy continue to shut out true love..They don't want it all..like I do...

Yep - the best exercise is mucking a stall - that's another reason I love the horse thing - I hate exercise yet all the horsey stuff keeps me in shape..No Gym for me...

Hugs

I am sorry Lost.

I wasn't referring to just men. I was referring to our husbands and their behavior because it is all to simuliar. I think Hurt, Ginger and myself have husbands that are very much a like in their thinking.

I am too scared of what the future holds and I am very scared right now. I do have a lot to lose and I don't want to live without. Not saying that H. provides a lot. But I get the luxury of being a stay at home Mom. I would rather do that than work.

I know for me, I thought I'd be with this man for the rest of my life. I took my life with him very serious and I worked my butt off with him. I can't do it by myself. My H is just a controling person who also emotional abuses. Why continue my life like that? But again this is my comfort zone!

Ali~

chores await me!

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

I gave up on this thread even before it became a man-bashing horse-loving as-long-as-you-know-you-can-trust-yourself-it's-OK back-patting fest, because it was obvious that nothing I could say would make any difference. Sometimes people post looking for answers, and sometimes they post looking for affirmation.

However, there's something here I don't want to let slide by:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>..........if the paper work is filed but the D is not final,and you go out to dinner w/someone is it cheating??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>ALot of MB would say YES it's cheating.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As soon as the MB principles become viewed instead as a set of legalistic rules, most of their value has been lost. I doubt many folks here would say that going out to dinner with someone is inherently cheating, but I don't think it matters either way. I don't really care what you call it.

As I see it, the problem is that people tend to ask "What's wrong with it?" and then come up with excuses - valid or not - to do what they want to do. But that's not the best question to ask. A better question is "What's right with it?". Is this wise? Is this healthy for me? Is this the best thing I can be doing for myself (or others in my life) at this time?

Now, as long as I'm posting here anyway, I'll just try to make one futile point. It was Paul who wrote (in I Corinthians 10:12) "If you think you are standing strong, be careful, for you, too, may fall into the same sin." It is exactly when you think that you can trust yourself that you are at your most vulnerable. I attribute my fidelity throughout my marriage primarily to the fact that I did not trust myself - although I had no reason not to! - and so I set up boundaries for myself so that I would never be in a situation where I might be tempted to stray. Note that I set the boundaries not at the point which I believed would actually be straying, but at the point where I might be tempted.

Note also that I said "I set up boundaries for myself." These weren't rules that were imposed upon me and that I resented because they compromised my freedom. These were choices I made as part of my effort to be and become the man I wanted myself (and God wanted me) to be.

First off ((((ItHurts)))) and (((Ali))), thank y’all for listening and providing feedback because I do think it’s beneficial to hear what “the other side” thinks.

“””Sorry for the stereotype”””

Not a problem, I just find them insulting. And heck, a lot “men” stereotypes make me feel like your riding instructor….LOL…

“””Lost - I agree w/time to heal and becoming emotionally healthy before you begin a new "relationship"”””

Yeah…..

“””but, I don't view friendship the same way I view a "relationship".”””

Me neither, but I’m also firmly believe that more times than not one-side of a male/female “friendship” has other intentions whether at the beginning of a friendship or whether it develops as time goes on.

“””Friends, help you heal, they walk w/you thru the process, they help you become health, boost your self-esteem when you have been blindsided”””

Yes and they begin meeting your emotional needs and with that other feelings develop as opportunities arise (i.e. alcohol softening judgment).

”””Should it matter if they are of the opposite sex?”””

No it shouldn’t, but does it? Absolutely! I can only speak from my personal experience. I’ve helped many women out of “bad” relationships as a “friend” and from my side that’s all it was. Then I’m shocked when they make an advance at me. Well DUH? I was meeting their emotional needs. Heck, if I wanted to be a bad boy, I could have been swimming in women, but that’s not what I wanted. As I began to see this I had to take a look at my role in things and basically adjust how I was with my female friends. But what is scary to me, is that it would be so easy to get-a-gal. Heck I’m pretty intelligent and know about all this relationship stuff, I firmly believe that I could grab some cookies from the cookie jar just about anytime I wanted. I say that only to make the point that if anybody is half as perceptive as me but has a different Agenda, be careful.

”””Are the words relationship/friendship just a play on words?? Not to me they aren't. There is a distinct difference...”””

OK. But everybody isn’t you. I agree there is a difference and would further state that the best way to screw up a friendship is to screw a friend, but life happens and that’s why we have these boards.

”””till I can met someone's needs..and now that I know what more of my needs need filled”””

And that’s where I’m throwing my caution. Someone can easily and quietly meet your needs. And I hear you saying “It Won’t or Can’t happen”, which I totally disagree with. That’s like saying that you’ll never be in auto accident. You may never cause one but they still happen. So a person has two choice, one would be to never ride in a vehicle or the other would be to insure that there vehicle is safe, drive safely, and have insurance if it happens.

“””I truly question - Are all men like this???”””

I don’t. But understand why you do.

“””I question total/lifelong commitment in itself. With such promiscuity (spelling) today - I don’t know how M can survive.”””

It’s work. I wasn’t exempt from it. IMHO it requires an understanding and commitment that our society has shifted away from. Unacceptable things became acceptable.

“””Why continue my life like that? But again this is my comfort zone!”””

Sadly, that’s very common. And IMHO, we hand that down to our children and the cycle continues.

Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh and what “Gnome” said…. BRAVO!!!!

I agree with all that is written here.We all have opinions,boundries etc,etc.......what I have not seen here is anyone stating the power of "NO"...........we teach our children if someone makes an advance that is uncomfortable just say "NO",,,,,if someone offers you drugs...just say "NO".........so what happened to just say "NO"...

I belive with all my heart my H was looking to have an A,he wanted to test the waters,see if life was better on the otherside,the grass just a little greener.Never looking at what he would loose until after the fact.He had the power to cut it off at anytime.He had the power to say "I'm sorry I cant go thru with this it is wrong,he had the power to say "NO"........what he CHOSE to do was to cheat.....
I am a firm believer that cheating is a CHOICE not A BAD MISTAKE....maybe I'm wrong in this thinking but we all get tempted,,,,,,that is what the world is all about,it started with Adam and Eve,,,,,,,,,they had the power to say "NO" to temptation,,,,,,,,they chose to ignore it even went as far as to blame the other person for what they did.Its been the same old story from day one,,,,,,just a new page.

We all have choices,,,,I dont know if it will take a new relationship for me to be able to put the past one behind me,,,,I dont know if time will heal,,,,but what I do know is that I have the power to control my own behavoir,,,,I have the power to say "NO".All BS had the same power within themselfs they were just weak people IMHO.

Can men and women be just friends??? I believe YES,,,,,,,,,but they have to be strong people with the power to say "NO" when and if that time comes.

Lost - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">“””Lost - I agree w/time to heal and becoming emotionally healthy before you begin a new "relationship"”””

Yeah…..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't sound like you "believe" me. I do know where I am emotionally and not that matters - but, I haven't even "finished" this relationship let alone begin a new one..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me neither, but I’m also firmly believe that more times than not one-side of a male/female “friendship” has other intentions whether at the beginning of a friendship or whether it develops as time goes on.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And for the person that has other intentions - once put them in their place and boundaries set - you find out if they will be worthy of your friendship.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ve helped many women out of “bad” relationships as a “friend” and from my side that’s all it was. Then I’m shocked when they make an advance at me. Well DUH? I was meeting their emotional needs. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what WH does - but, he makes the women out as friends then turns it into an A..Hey, I've learnt my life lessons from the MASTER..I'm no dummy, anymore..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what is scary to me, is that it would be so easy to get-a-gal. Heck I’m pretty intelligent and know about all this relationship stuff, I firmly believe that I could grab some cookies from the cookie jar just about anytime I wanted. I say that only to make the point that if anybody is half as perceptive as me but has a different Agenda, be careful. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what WH looks for emotionally empty MOW - women that are alittle disgruntled at home and then he's in the cookie jar - and the women don't have a clue that they are one of many "cookies".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK. But everybody isn’t you. I agree there is a difference and would further state that the best way to screw up a friendship is to screw a friend, but life happens and that’s why we have these boards.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, we were talking about ME when this post started and I am a firm believer in not "screwing a friend". As I said early in my post - I have men that I am friends w/for over 20+ years, and yes, when we first became friends - they were looking for more..By setting my boundaries (didn't even know what a boundary was 20 years ago) we have maintained our friendship..and that is worth more to me than SF..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that’s where I’m throwing my caution. Someone can easily and quietly meet your needs. And I hear you saying “It Won’t or Can’t happen”, which I totally disagree with. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thank you for cautioning me and giving me your opinion on how easily a BS can become a WS. I will be careful, I will insure that I keep friends as friends and seek nothing further. I do feel I can avoid a "wreck"..I do know how to apply the brakes and stop at all red signs(flags)...

GNOMME - Every reply to this post is read/thought about so something you say - CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I see it, the problem is that people tend to ask "What's wrong with it?" and then come up with excuses - valid or not - to do what they want to do. But that's not the best question to ask. A better question is "What's right with it?". Is this wise? Is this healthy for me? Is this the best thing I can be doing for myself (or others in my life) at this time?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me right now, meeting new people, forming new friendship is important - WH took so much from me - including my "safe bar". He took our family time, friend time, our time, AWAY..I can't become a recluse..I'm outgoing, friendly and that he won't take from me..Since he does nothing with me - I deserve a dinner out, socializing, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I set up boundaries for myself." These weren't rules that were imposed upon me and that I resented because they compromised my freedom. These were choices I made as part of my effort to be and become the man I wanted myself (and God wanted me) to be. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too have set up boundaries - some I've had for many years, some I will have to adjust. Mine are "rules" that I live by. Rule # 1 - Never sleep w/a married man..even if he's a friend..

I really wanted to tell WH that I am going to seek SF/EN elsewhere - apparently, he prefers MW , prefers lies to truth. maybe I'd be more attractive to him if I was a cheat and a dog like him..But, I won't say that - becoz I'd only say it to hurt him and I couldn't do it anyway..

I prefer to be seen as a classy woman who will not lower her standards/morals becoz she just so happens to be married to a serial cheat. I will maintain that standard of living..Even if I do have dinner/drinks w/a male friend.

“””Doesn't sound like you "believe" me. I do know where I am emotionally and not that matters”””

Actually, I was agreeing with you. But I’m going to disagree with you on one simple point, knowledge of one’s “emotionally” status does matter, IMHO.

“””And for the person that has other intentions - once put them in their place and boundaries set - you find out if they will be worthy of your friendship.”””

True! True! Provided that the person in question doesn’t get swept away in a moment or have their head clouded and leaps without looking. Again, the point that I’m trying to make is that “life happens”. I, personally, after getting close in a couple situations realized the fire I was sitting in and had to rethink some of my views.

“””I thank you for cautioning me and giving me your opinion on how easily a BS can become a WS. I will be careful”””

Thank you.

“””I do feel I can avoid a "wreck"..I do know how to apply the brakes and stop at all red signs(flags)...”””

Well let’s just hope that your reflexes are good then. Please understand, I have only stayed with this out of care for you as a person. And not only do I not want to see you get hurt by another man, I don’t want to see anyone hurt themselves.


“””All BS had the same power within themselfs they were just weak people IMHO.”””

I’m presuming your referring to the Wayward Spouse (WS) here and that may be exactly what happened in your situation. But I know some wonderful, strong, spiritual, religious, Wayward Spouses who I would describe with many words, none of them being weak.

And y’all don’t take this wrong, but like Gnome, I’m tiring on this one. So y’all can go back to the man-bashing horse-loving as-long-as-you-know-you-can-trust-yourself-it's-OK back-patting fest… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I should come back to this when I have more time.

But I have a lot of male childhood friends that are just friends. That is it. OK maybe in my teen years we all had crushes on each other. But that is it. We are nothing more than friends.

OK here is an interesting point. READY? One of the posters who is a female befriended a female and what became of it? A lesbian relationship because she was getting her emotional needs meet by OW. Hummmmm?? So I think again it is judgement. And if we are still vulnerable (in my case I am not) YES stay away, get help, find another bandage but do not find it an another relationship unless you and your hubby are ready to move on. Resolve the issues first and then say good bye. Sometimes I think the SP needs to see that "we" are moving on so maybe they will budge!!! I think most of us are smart. But we are posting on the divorce forum not General Questions or Just Found Out. So I believe that our marriages is over and no reconciliation is in the future. ??? Yes, no?

Ooooo, I get so made when I hear "Oh my affair was a mistake." NO it wasn't! A mistake is forgetting to enter something in the check book or putting the good china on the bottom rack of the dish washer. (who uses china anyway) But affairs are premeditated and deliberate. Like my husband, sweetheart of a man, couldn't wait until I left the hospital and get on the plane to go back home so he could be with the Peg Bundy look a like tramp! Risk my life for that piece of trash. He was willing to put me on a plane against the doctors orders so he can be with the ugly ho. I still burn up! But anyway LOL on this "Oh honey I am so sorry my p*nis accidentally went into her v*gina and we had sex!" How did that happen??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Sorry lame excuse. Mistake! WRONG!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

No, not all men are not like that. I know Lost. I know you are one to work hard and there are a lot of men like that out there. I wish my H was like that. A lot of my friends have gems. I know one day I will find my gem. Hopefully before my 45 birthday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I think compatibility also plays a key role too. Anyone think differently???

OK got to go. I have to call the heating and cooling people. Furnace is not working. It is 66 in my house and the temp is dropping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Burrrr

Ali~

Wait a minute! We are all women who are just talking about our H. who just happen to be men. Am I missing something? Because I am not bashing anyone. I am just telling like it is. Gulp, Go easy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Horse loving? Got that one right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ali~

sorry posted twice

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Oh yeah, one more thing... SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A COWBOY! YEEHAWW!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Now that is not men bashing is it???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is Asperger's Syndrome?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Hurt, you asked this awhile back ago. Asperger's syndrome is a form of austism. Or in the Autistic spectrum. He is high functioning, so he will be able to lead a "normal life". If you look at him, you would not be able to tell. It is just that he is socially different than your average kid. He is suspectable to get picked on. People also call this the "geek" syndrome. But since he is so damn good looking, I hope his looks will help stop it! But he sees the world as very litteral. So if you joke around with him he might take you seriously or just not get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali~