Hi, I am so torn up inside and trying to figure out what to do. You can read my story from my original post " New Years Eve dissaster ".

I put my wife and I in a bad position one night with some friends of ours, and things turned out very bad, and my wife had sex with my best friend and his wife. I accept responsibility for putting us in this position. I have no honor as a man, and totally regret what I allowed us to get into.

While I accept responsibility for putting us in this situation, I just don't feel that I will ever be able to forgive myself or my wife.

I love my wife and son more than my own life. I cannot seem to forgive her and it has been two months. I don't know if I ever will be able to.

I am also in terrible pain everyday and want the pain to end. When I make love to my wife, I cry inside because I imagine her making love to our old friends. I just want the pain and visions to stop.

So my questions are, can divorce ease the pain of infidelity. Can I also get to a place where I can forgive her if we are not together. Right now, we are both miserable, and our son ( 3 yrs old ) is starting to get sad also.

I love them both so much, but will set them free if it is what it takes for us to all be happy again.

Honestly I believe in giying it to God. If you are not a Christian use this mistake to bring you too Jesus. God loves you and Jesus' blood covers all of your sin. Join and get involved in a good Church. Start reading the Bible and start praying together. It is amazing how having a close realtionship with Jesus can change evrythign for the good. The Bible says when you accept Jesus in your heart you are a new creature in Christ. The old is dead and passed away. Start over as a Christian family.

Thank you stormy. Your message touched me.

I am not very religious but my waife was formerly. Sadly, I was the one who put in her mind to question some of the principles in the bible. Wow, how this has backfired on me.

I don't feel like I could live being apart from my family. But we are all so sad now. Can god really get us past this and to being a happy family again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by destroyed man:
<strong> Can God really get us past this and to being a happy family again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes!!!! Anymore questions?

I took a moment to read of your trials and feel that one thing you lack is forgiveness. You've stated repeatidly you can't forgive yourself, your wife, your buddy, etc..... And where is this lack of forgiveness getting you? Pretty much no where, right?

So what if there is another way? What if that way is through a belief in God? The one thing I can tell you is that what you are doing now is not working and if you're willing to do WHATEVER it takes to save this marriage, then "Get 'Er Done".....

So if you are interested into looking into some religion stuff, let me know, maybe through some feedback I could assist y'all in finding a Home.

LH, thank you for your reply.

You are right, I have trouble forgiving. I want to, but it goes against every fiber of how I usually handle hurt.

This day was the worst day of my life. I have doubts as to whether god can get my family through that. I don't want to offend you in any way, but I was so angry that I ripped up my families only bible two days ago because I am angry at god and everyone. I know that is terrible.

I am a lost person. Thank you for your reply...

“””I want to, but it goes against every fiber of how I usually handle hurt.”””

And it’s obvious that the way you usually handle things is not working to well. Nothing will change if you change nothing.

”””I have doubts as to whether god can get my family through that.”””

I don’t.

“””I don't want to offend you in any way”””

FYI… You can’t offend me if you are expressing your emotion, so don’t worry about that.

“””I was so angry that I ripped up my families only bible two days ago because I am angry at god and everyone. I know that is terrible.”””

Well, yes that is terrible, but just means you need to head to the store and get another one. I’ve been in you shoes with anger. Quite simply, your anger is misdirected. When you should be angry with Satan, you are choosing to be angry with God. I typically don’t share a lot of beliefs on this site and won’t be doing any sermons on here but let me give you one little nugget “God is good”. Period…. God brings no evil into your life. God causes no pain.

”””I am a lost person.”””

You know what, I was too but know I’m found.

God can definitely get you through it. I would advise watching Joel Olsteen . He is the preacher of a Church in Houston, Texas. He is extremely positive. He commes on TV a lot. You can even watch it on national channels like the Discovery Channel or BET. I will try to look up his website name for you. I believe without a doubt if you decided to br the strong spiritual leader in your family your wife and child would follow. You would be giving your kids an awesome future. Kids that have a heart for God are much, much, much less likely to ever try drugs or even have sex before marriage. Just make sure you find a Church that focuses on God's love, forgiveness, and Mercy. There are some Churches out there that wrongly focus on condemnation, shame, and sin. Jesus died so all of are sins can be forgotten, completely erased. When you ask him for forgiveness you are automatically forgiveness. He no longer remembers your sin. Also, try to find a fun Church that believes in enjoying life while still following God's ways. Later on your mistakes can be your testimony you can use it to show people no matter how bad you mess up with God you can turn it around. If you choose you can have an awesome Godly family and you can also give that gift to your child, future grandchildren, etc.

P.S. If you riped your Bible up you can use it as a chance to go get an even better Bible. Go get one that maybe has a study guide with it about applying the Bible to marriage or to forgiveness, get one with tabs for the sections, etc. Always take what the devil intends for evil and turn it to the good through God.

Here is Joel's site if anyone is interested:

http://www.lakewood.cc/index.htm

P.S. His book Your Best Life Now is awesome

Your Wife DID NOT MAKE LOVE...

Your wife had sex outside of the M..yes it was very, very wrong..But, put this in your mind in the format - it was sex...loveless sex..nothing more..experimentation..could you forgive your child for experimenting with drugs, alchol???

YOu can get past this...

I hope other MB posters don't wack me w/a 2X4 -
I'm just trying to make you see it for what it was..

thank you stormy, ih, and lh. Your comments mean a lot.

I will check out the website provided.

Thanks for pointing out that my wife was not "making love" with those two. It gives me something special to think about that only we do together.

DM,

I am a lot older than you. What I am going to say is going to sound really harsh and callous, but I want you to really consider it. It has been my experience that what I am going to say is true.

Most people only have problems until they get tired of them then: they either solve them or walk away from them.

You have stated that you love your W and child more than your life, so walking away seems out of the question although YOU think it is a solution.

If it was a good solution, then you would NOT care for her much and of course then the betrayal would not hurt as much.

Your problem is that you have placed YOURSELF in a no win situation. Why do not you try to place yourself in a WIN situation?

Forgiveness is a gift you give YOURSELF. So your marriage is NOT dependent on it. What it is dependent on in your case is cost/reward analysis.

If you love her as you say you do, then darn it LOVE THE WOMAN. It is that easy. It is what you promised to do when you married her. YOU PROMISED TO LOVE her, as in the verb love, through good times and bad. Well, now is the bad. Further IF you decide to love her, THEN you might find that she forgives you and LOVES you back.

And at some time you will grow tired of carrying around the anger/pain/frustration and you will lay it down and forgive her, which will HELP YOU.

The woman needs your love NOT your forgiveness do you see that. She made a series of mistakes or misjudgments. You helped in some of it, but it was her idea, it was her decision and she made it, because it was her fantasy. Is it her fantasy any longer? Not from what you have said.

So stop with the hand wringing and start doing what you said LOVE her, and in the fullness of time you will sick of not forgiving her and do it to relieve YOURSELF of the burden.

She is remorseful. You love her dearly. You both love your child and youwould rather die than lose either one. HELLO don't lose them, love them and the rest will work out IF you two want to make it work.

Sorry, while I am sympathetic to her betrayal of you, I am not of your self-imposed quandary. Because it is not forgive or leave, it is do I do what I promised or not.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: And yes turning to your religion at a time like this is a good thing for both of you. It will help YOU honor your promise although she broke one of hers, BUT not all of them.

JL, thank you for your reply. I did not consider your comments harsh at all. .

I just want the pain to stop. I do not really want to leave. My wife is very remorseful and wishes that the night never happened. She never wants to do that type of thing again.

I want to forgive, but don't know if I am that much of a man. I don't know if I have the capacity to forgive this situation.

I do love her, and I know that she loves me very much. But it is that love that we have that causes me so much pain. Maybe if I did not love her. I would not have the pain.

I have been giving her love, and also a share of guilt.

I am hoping as you have said JL that I will get tired of not forgiving, and just start to forgive her.

We both want very much to make it work. But my pain is not going away. I am going to give it more time, but want to know from some who were in similar situations if divorce helped the pain go away. I am desperate for some relief from this feeling.


Thanks JL, I am giving it more time..

Well then,

The next thing you need to address is WHAT is giving you the pain??? I mean the obvious answer is the A, but that is the event that started the pain, not the CAUSE of the pain.

If I showed you images of a couple having sex would it cause pain? Probably not. If I showed you a picture of your friends having sex would that cause pain, obviously not.

The pain is self-generated and even if you leave your W, the pain will go with YOU. Part of this just requires time for the images in your head to fade. BUT, part of this requires you to look inside and understand why the pain. What specific thing is causing you pain? Is it fear, is it frustration, is it visions of a reality that does NOT exist, is it fear of the future?

Now identifying the cause will NOT end the pain, but it will allow you to start to dress the wound. It will allow your W to help you heal. It will allow the both of you to grow closer.

DM, your marriage will NEVER be the same. It could end as you think you want. It could remain as it is NOW. It could deteriorate. Or it could become even better than it was with the added touch of reality that NEITHER of you can cross boundaries such as you both did last time. Fantasies need to remain between you two and with no one else. Desires need to be discussed between YOU TWO and no one else. Solutions to issues need to be worked on by YOU TWO and perhaps a counselor,but no one else.

You are still new to the betrayal it has only been two months. Keep working with your W. Love her even more strongly, and see if you can help her help you, but identifying exactly WHAT it is that is causing this pain. A counselor could also be a hugh help here, and I strongly recommend that you both see one.

Give what you have said she is doing, your marriage has a high probablility of being more successful than ever...with effort on both of your parts.

God Bless,

JL

I believe everyone needs love and forgiveness and I believe that you are very capable of it. If you choose to completely end it and divorce her she would most likely eventually move on and then she would be sleeping with another man everynight and your child would have a step father. I know that is definitely not want you want. Pray and ask God to help you forgive. Sincere pray is very powerful. This horrible mistake can actually make your marriage stronger if you turn it all over to God.
God Bless,
Stormy

If you and your wife still love eachother, there's no question...you should forgive and forget. A night of sex is not a marriage ender!!!

Just my humble opinion JMHO

Hey - we all are in pain here..We all have been hurt by infidelity..I don't want to say your lucky - but, if you look at many of the other members here and their stories and length and deepth of the deceptions, etc. the no remorse from the WS - you should see your situation differently. I think there are more members here that have had a long term WS - rather than a ONS.

Let this GO...Yes, it hurts more because you love her - but, you need to love her enough to forgive her. You can do this..Block those images from your thoughts - think only happy thoughts of you and her..If those images pop up - think about something else. Your dwelling on the negative...think positive..

I know it's hard - I think about my WH, I have images of him getting the hotel room, opening the door, etc...it hurts..so I have to block that out..My M will probably never recover but it's not becoz I didn't want to recover - it's becoz he won't stop his A's..

You have so much in your favor of this working out..Go for it....

Hugs and Healing Vibes coming your way............

Hi, I can't say that I am new here because I have been reading posts for months now, but today I felt like I had to join in. I know what you are going thru and the pain. I've seen it in my own family. I can tell that you love your wife and I believe you are on the wrong site. Maybe Plan A or Plan B but saying that you were instramental in what had happened so it would not be fair to do either to your wife. I also read that you believe in God. Well if you don't talk with a fork tongue than you know you will not be forgiven for things that you do if you cannot forgive her. Do you realize what you are doing or teaching your child. That pride no matter what come first. Pride comes before the fall and beside it is one of the deadly sins. The reason you have so much pain is because you are not forgiving her and you are holding yourself back from her when you should be loving her. She has showed you how much she loves you by putting her life on the line to give you a child. But you won't go an extra step to forgive her Even though I know your pain I want to tell you that I think you are a selfish man and self centered when you take a stand like this. First and formost what you are not considering is your child and the years of pain it will cost him and then when he is old enough to understand will know this all came about because you could not forgive his mom. Wake up before it is to late. When you forgive her your life will turn around. "forgiveness is love in its most noble form".

Hi, I can't say that I am new here because I have been reading posts for months now, but today I felt like I had to join in. I know what you are going thru and the pain. I've seen it in my own family. I can tell that you love your wife and I believe you are on the wrong site. Maybe Plan A or Plan B but saying that you were instramental in what had happened so it would not be fair to do either to your wife. I also read that you believe in God. Well if you don't talk with a fork tongue than you know you will not be forgiven for things that you do if you cannot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> forgive her. Do you realize what you are doing or teaching your child. That pride no matter what come first. Pride comes before the fall and beside it is one of the deadly sins. The reason you have so much pain is because you are not forgiving her and you are holding yourself back from her when you should be loving her. She has showed you how much she loves you by putting her life on the line to give you a child. But you won't go an extra step to forgive her Even though I know your pain I want to tell you that I think you are a selfish man and self centered when you take a stand like this. First and formost what you are not considering is your child and the years of pain it will cost him and then when he is old enough to understand will know this all came about because you could not forgive his mom. Wake up before it is to late. When you forgive her your life will turn around. "forgiveness is love in its most noble form". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi, I can't say that I am new here because I have been reading posts for months now, but today I felt like I had to join in. I know what you are going thru and the pain. I've seen it in my own family. I can tell that you love your wife and I believe you are on the wrong site. Maybe Plan A or Plan B but saying that you were instramental in what had happened so it would not be fair to do either to your wife. I also read that you believe in God. Well if you don't talk with a fork tongue than you know you will not be forgiven for things that you do if you cannot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> forgive her. Do you realize what you are doing or teaching your child. That pride no matter what come first. Pride comes before the fall and beside it is one of the deadly sins. The reason you have so much pain is because you are not forgiving her and you are holding yourself back from her when you should be loving her. She has showed you how much she loves you by putting her life on the line to give you a child. But you won't go an extra step to forgive her Even though I know your pain I want to tell you that I think you are a selfish man and self centered when you take a stand like this. First and formost what you are not considering is your child and the years of pain it will cost him and then when he is old enough to understand will know this all came about because you could not forgive his mom. Wake up before it is to late. When you forgive her your life will turn around. "forgiveness is love in its most noble form". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> web page