Good Morning all!!!

Today is definitely a better day, I was able to cry my eyes out last night at Divorce Care and talk about my lonliness, and low and behold, the subject was on lonliness. I really need someone to protect me from myself. I have gone 36 hours without talking to my STBX I am so proud of myself. If I can just continue that I will be fine. I don't have to discuss the kids with him because he doesn't plan on seeing them until the next weekend and he doesn't have a set schedule to call them everynight, so I have no reason to have contact with him.

I sent an apology letter and told him that I was leaving everything with God and that I have turned it all over for him to carry not me. I can no longer place myself open to be hurt, that is what he keeps telling me as well but still has to hear the sound of my voice.

I cried so hard last night not realizing that the emotions are still so fresh, I am been pushing them down for some time and they are finally coming to the surface. I think my biggest challenge is that I don't go back to work for another week and while the kids are at school I am alone with my thoughts everyday and I just cave.

I hope everyone is doing well I am still trying to get used to the new board, I need to read the past threads so I can get updated on everyone. Thank you all for being such a great support.... {{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Everyone,

I'm curious if this will work as I've been trying to post for over an hour. I'm afraid I'm technically challenged to say the least. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

First, I'd like to agree with AVONDALE concerning the idea of staying within topic. I originally came to this thread with the purpose for finding help and support with "Tough Love". I have needed and continue to need encouragement in this area. This thread has been a tremendous support system.

Right now I'm needing encouragement in a BIG way. Since taking a stand regarding H's relationship with his assistant, H is now very angry with me. He says he is strongly considering divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This breaks my heart. I'm trying to trust God with all of this. I could really use your prayers right now.

Mommato8, I'm praying for you. I know how hard it is to end a unhealthy relationship. I'm right there with you. I still love my husband and wish very much it could work. I'm trying to accept that apart from a miracle, it doesn't look like we're going to make it.

Hi to everyone else. I hope you are all doing well and that you enjoyed a nice Easter with your families.

I went with the girls to my sister's home. It was great to be with her and her family. They are a welcome oasis. Take care everyone and God bless you!

[color:"red"]Leah [/color] - What's new? Has your H said anything more specifically about divorce? Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

[color:"red"] Mx8 [/color] - I see you are able to post without too much difficulty. I'm keeping up with you on your other thread. You are walking a difficult road but I know you can handle it.

[color:"blue"] Petvet [/color] - Are you unable to post or has the tax season taken over your life?

[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] - Have you heard from a moderator yet about not being able to post? Is your relationship with your g/f still parallelling this whole thread/forum situation?

[color:"blue"] Trusting [/color] - Where are you? You of all people should be able to overcome all the board problems here and post (or get your techie friend to help!)

[color:"red"] Relady [/color] - Where are you, too? We hadn't heard from you since before the big board breakdown. I hope we didn't lose you permanently!

[color:"green"] Me [/color] - Well I'm trying to get used to this new format too. It's frustrating and discouraging. I hope you can all post soon so we can get back on track <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi Avon-

I was having problems posting in the beginning but I found you can't post on the subject you have to click on the last posters name and do the quick reply. When I login and I go to the subject line to post it tells me the URL is unavailable I guess, I have found a way to get around it, I guess since I was married to a techie I learned some along the way....

Yes I have been posting on J.D.S thread, I can't believe how similar our situations are.

I have had rough couple of days and I am starting to weaken, I have to get through to August, the divorce will be final at the end of the month but I have always caved and got so tired and then go back into the insanity because for some reason that is more comfortable, I know that sounds so sick but the pain gets to be so much. My friends are getting me out of the house in which he tells my kids that I am a bad mother because I have a life outside kids 24/7. I can't even go to dinner with the divorcecare class without him telling the kids I have a boyfriend and that is who I am with. I don't even mention his drinking anymore, I don't live with him it is his business, but my life is all his business. This lonliness is killing me, my friends are telling me go out, date I just can't and besides as soon as someone finds out I have 8 kids they bolt so fast it isn't funny. I can see that it is going to be alot of lonliness for quite some time. I keep saying it is too soon, they say it's been 2 years in the making. I know I have to go with my gut and what I know and until I have that final decree I have no business dating at all.

Alot of pain the last couple of days, I miss my family unit, I miss being a wife, I miss having a husband, I just don't look forward to having to do the getting to know you thing. Been there done that, I had the person I was comfortable with, where I can throw my hair up and no makeup and not care. My girlfriends keep telling me, you have to look your best at all times because you never know when your going to meet that one.....Well if he's the one would it really matter what I look like.

What am I thinking I don't even need to be thinking about that, ok. Reality check one day at a time, enjoy life, your kids are your life, concentrate on them 24/7 and everything else will be fine.

I know I have rambled today, sorry for the moment of woe is me.....had to vent today....hope everyone else can start posting again...

Hey Pet, Wallace --- where have you been??

OK, so the first post did not like me. Seems to be a bit of a problem. Sad thing is this is the same software I had on my site so I should know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Still reading but little posting as I have no internet at home. Canceled the BellSouth service and telephone to have CAble TV, telephone and internet installed by them. But...they can't install until 04/08/05. Another 5 days before I can get back online.

A lot has transpired since early January and I surely need some advice and encouragment to deal with it all. I'll try and get all caught up this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

To all the rest. Keep praying and hang in there. Regardless of how we feel we can be assured that God is still in control of at least out lives and He knows what is going on and where and how we need Him. Trust in Him and not in your own understanding.

Hi Everyone,

Thought I'd give an update on my situation. Things are NOT good at home. My husband is still wanting a divorce. The catch is he wants it all on his terms. He does not want us to go to court. He wants us to come up with an agreement together to be presented to an attorney.

This can be so discouraging. It is everything I've fought against for six and a half years. Yet, I'm ready to let go...I feel I really don't have any choices about it at this point.

I'm ready for a more peaceful life. Things have been difficult for too long. Maybe, this could be the beginning of a happier future. I'm trying to look at the positive side of things.

I'm trying to watch what I think about. When I start thinking Christmas or weekends without my girls, I begin a quick decent into a very sad place. SO, I must "bring every thought into captivity". It can take a lot of discipline, yet I can see the absolute necessity of that.

Child custody and visitation seem to be the hardest area of negotiation. How to split time and what is best for the girls? Tough questions to answer.

TRUSTING HIM,

Speaking of which,I wrote you an e-mail when the MB boards were down regarding questions about visitation. From what you wrote about being off line, I'm not sure if you still have access to that account. (Avondale gave me your address) Since our children are about the same age, I was wondering what advice you could offer to me.
Thanks for any input.

I hope each of you are doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you.

Hi All,

I'm not doing very well with this new board, so if I mess up... please bear with me as I feel my way through this. So this is just going to be a kind of a test post.

Leah, Momax...

You both sound like your having a hard time of it, and my prayers are with you both as well as everyone else.

I'll expand further... but for some reason, I keep getting logged out.

I'll keep playing with this forum, and see what I can and can't do.

I'll be back in touch.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey Wallace

Yes, I did fuel the fire and have had to suffer the consequences royally. I agree with everyone on my email, I apologized and let him know how I was set straight. He knows of the site and has never gone to my posts until last night, he was instant messaging me copying and pasting my posts to me. I felt like my diary had just been read. Alot of mean things were said to each other on both ends and we both ended up at 3AM begging for a truce because we both felt beaten to a pulp.

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I can no longer trust my own judgment and I just may be reaping what I have sowed. The problem is that I can't seem to get across that we both deserve a life free from fighting and the pain we have put each other through. That we can no longer be married, that it is just to unhealthy for the both of us. I just want us to focus on the kids and be done with this already, stop hanging on and just let go.

I am so so tired, I think it be best that I just keep my mouth shut from now on, no more emails, just polite. Please tell me what to do............I need help

Take care

Hey All,

I'm still fighting with this board, but I thought I would try and get something in and say hello.

Momax...

You did in fact fuel the fire, and now you have to figure a way to contain it, and then put it out.

As you know... you now have your work cut out for you... so what I suggest... is give it about a month of N/C, with a cooling off period. You and your "H" revisit your "M" after that... and then decide what you and he want to do with your "M".

If nothing looks like it's going to get better... then IMHO, it's time to call it a day.

Petvet, avondale, relady, leah, Trusting Him, and anyone else I missed...

Hope your day is going well, and I hope you have a great weekend.

I'm going to keep fooling with this, and see if I can't get back to where I was before the change of the boards.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Where does one even begin?

It was way back in January when I sort of dropped out of sight. The former wife was leaping with joy becuase her new BF wanted to take out son hunting. We had a brief discussion about this so I guess she took matters into her own hands.

Instead of the hunting trip she canceled a trip to a friend’ house over the Holidays and everyone went off for the weekend. By everyone I mean

• Her and our three children
• BF and his 2 boys
• BF's three brothers (all single)
• 2 other (single) male friends

and they all went camping.

So there are 6 single males, 5 children all under the age of 14 and my former . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Let's just say that I was a tad bit angry about this. First, DS and I had planned on going hunting ourselves that weekend. Somehow he ended up going out of town with a friend the previous Wednesday and was supposed to be home on Friday when friends Mom brought her son back here to be with his Dad.

So the dear former, 2 duaghters, BF and his 2 boys arrange to borrow a vehicle large enough to carry them all and arrange to pick son up in Montgomery. Her response to me? If DS had wanted to come home I would have brought him home. Hmmmmm....you are almost 100 miles from home and you really want me to believe that all of you would have turned around and drove 100 miles home to drop off DS and then turn back around nad drive another 170 miles to where you were going? Right! And I fell off the turnip truck yesterday.

I'm sorry. I once again spoke to her father about the image that trip made for our girls. Their Mom being there with all those single men and her being the only woman there. Bear in mind this was a man was was a Minsiter of Education in several different churchs for almost 17 years before he began teaching. Also a graduate of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I think it is good that daughter has friends that she can go off with and have a good time with the children. I raised her and taught her the best that I could and I feel that she is much more spiritual than I. She is quite capable of making decisions on her own. and then on to some statements about how I am simply reaping from what I have sowed. Duh! I agree whole heartily with that statement but it would seem that if I experience this for my past actions you would have to wonder what is in store for the former when she begins to reap what she has sowed.

Fast Forward to our son having lost almost 20 pounds. He's just growing. He's in his growth stage. Finally managed to get an appointment with his Doctor. Only after the Doctor's wife made a comment to former wife that DS sure did look pale and sickly. She made an appointment the next day. That night as I was talking to DS and he was telling me about the appointment he made the comment; Daddy, you've been telling Mom I looked pale and sickly for weeks. Why does she listen to Mrs. Friend but not to you? Son, you'll have to ask you Mom about that.

So off to the Doctor we go.

He had his CT Scan done
He had his Upper GI done
He had his Lower GI done
He had his Upper Endoscopy (esophagogastroduodenoscopy) done
He had his Colonoscopy done

In addition to all the blood they pulled from this poor little guy.

Three days in the hospital with no food, all given via IV.

End Result...

Acute Colitis
Acute Ulcerative ileitis
Acute Esophagitis
Acute and chronic gastritis <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And he missed over a month of school and the former still says that he's doing fine and this has nothing to do with our divorce. Even after the Doctor informs her that he needs counseling because he's internalized everything she sits in the hospital room talking with best friend about how a fight between best friend's son and BF's son has put a damper on their relationship. She actually told her friend that she needed to call BF and apologize for son's actions.

A few good things, she and I have had lunch with our son a couple of times. At least she has put aside her on selfish desires for a bit. I know a lot of that has to do with our DS being sick but it is the first time in over almost 2 years that we've done anything with any of the children. Even when they ask her she has always found a way to tell them no.

OK. I've ranted long enough. That was the last three months in a nutshell. A lot more drama than I care for but we have managed. There are some other things going on like oldet daughter telling Mom she's coming to stay with me when she turns 14. Our son telling her that if oldest daughter goes he's going too. That can be discussed later. I NEED all the help, encouragement and insight I can get.

Leah2be

From what I can tell there are good and bad traits that your husband has. I guess he a lot like all of us. Form where I sit today I can honestly say that the so called customary visitation is no where near enough time for a Father to play and be an active role in a child's life.

Sure, he or she (depending on the case) can make themselves available and attempt to attend all activities but unless there is some type of active communication between the parents the non-custodial parent is going to be left out. Our children will be 14, 12 and 9 this year. With all the activities they have going on at school and home it is hard (and I do not expect them to remember) for them to remember to tell the other parent everything that is going on. That is WHY Mom and Dad HAVE to put aside all differences to ensure that the best intrest of the children are being taken care of and not those of the parents.

If you husband is open to the idea of joint or 50/50 custody I would go that route. I'll share our son's idea. He wants Mom and Dad to get an apartment for the both of them. The children get to stay at their home all the time with Mom and Dad being the ones to apck up and go away for the alternate weeks. His reasoning for that is that home is his home. It was not his decision for this to ahppen and that we are the ones who need to suffer through the constant moving back and forth between home and the otherhouse. He also feels that if we did that there would be more finances available for their upkeep as our primary function would be caring for and providing for them. The apartment is just where Mom and Dad go and stay when they are not at home. Pretty smart of an 11 year old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Of course, if you were a SAHM then there is the problem of finances and supporting the children without the full benefit of a hundred preent child support. I know I've looked at it here and if our custody was changed to 50/50 theer would be a substantial decrease in what I give to the former for child support. Unless of course the difference in salaries were were huge. Of course the Courts always hae the final say and it could still turn out in one or the others favor.

At 2:00 AM that's about all I can think of right now. I am sure that we can carry the discussion a lot futher and deeper as more questions and comments arise.

God bless you. You and the children (husband too) are still in my prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(( [color:"blue"]Trusting [/color] )) (( [color:"green"] Wallace [/color] )) It’s so great to see you both able to post here! Now all we need is to hear from Petvet and Relady and we’ll be back to business as usual. And maybe some new people will see we're Tough Love and post too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"] Mx8 [/color] - You got some great advice from Wallace. I agree, you do definitely need to separate yourself further by going into the “no contact” mode. Do not think of excuses/reasons to call your H. Let the kids call him if they need something, because they’re old enough to do that. Have you read everything on this site about Plan A & Plan B? I suggest reading it again, because Plan B (Tough Love) is where you need to be.

[color:"red"]Wallace [/color] - I hope you can update everyone soon on the current drama in your life.

[color:"red"]Trusting [/color] - It was so sad to hear about your son’s illness, but I’m glad the doctors caught it. How do you feel about your oldest daughter’s desire to live with you? Do you think your former will let her do that?

[color:"red"] Leah [/color]- Can you update the board too?

[color:"red"]Me [/color] - It is spring here, and I’m really enjoying how beautiful my yard is. And you know what? It’s all mine!

[color:"purple"] Suggestion [/color] - if anyone is still having problems staying logged in, type your post in a word processing program (MS Word or Word Perfect) and then cut & paste into MB.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I feel great about it. There is a part of me that hurts when I think about the children being split up or seperated and it makes me question if it is the best thing for them or her.

Well the former let her? As she will be 14 it has reached a point where it does not matter if she allows it or not. the only question will be how pleasent she will be during the transition.

The oldest daughter and Mom have already had one talk about it and while the former expressed her dislike, her thoughts that it was not in her best intrest, and even to the point at one time of telling her that she would have to change schools I think she has finally begun to realize that this is what our daughter wants and she knows that at this point she's just about pushed Daddy to the limit of his niceness.

Hello All,

Where to begin... It's been a very tough week. Such a sad time. I'm afraid I'm battling discouragement as never before. I guess I always had hoped that a miracle would take place and we would end up living happily ever after. It's so hard to accept that it is not to be so.

But God is still in control and I will trust Him with all that I don't understand right now. He is faithful and I'm holding on to that. Right now there are "only one pair of footsteps in the sand" He has to carry me.

As far as negotiations towards divorce... YUCK! I can't stand it. My heart litterly hurts right now. So many awful, negative things were said today by H. He even said I didn't take responsibility for my actions and that I was a liar in front of our girls. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Ouch, Ouch Ouch.

I'm so hurt and yet I need to be stronger than ever now. I need your perspective folks. I'm willing to have joint custody with H even though this arrangement would break my heart. As it is now, I'm with them all the time as a SAHM. H spends what time he can but is gone most of the time with his business. They are use to being with me all the time. I think it would be tough on them.

Here's where I need your opinion. Although I'm willing to split custody even as much as 50/50, I don't want to write it up as OPEN CUSTODY. I feel with husband's erratic,spontaneous nature, I would forever be in the midst of negotiating time with him.

As it is, I'm not much of a negotiator. My H is powerful, strong and convincing. He always wins. My friends say he could give any Manhatten lawyer a run for their money. So...open custody to me spells continued stress and frustration.

I feel I'm being generous with my offer of shared custody, but my H is FURIOUS with me. He says I'm being completely unreasonable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He said if I don't agree to his terms, he's not going anywhere. He was hateful and scarry to me today. If I don't agree with what he wants, my life is about to become even more horrible than it is now.

Yet, I think it would be unwise to agree to his terms. I even said he could keep the business(Which is where the huge majority of our assets lie) if he could give me enough each month so I could save toward the future. We had been planning on using the sale of the business to retire eventually. Anyhow, it seems it will be impossible to come to any agreement. I'm really trying to meet with as many of his terms as I can, yet it's just too much of a stretch.

Please give me your input. I want to be kind and decent yet I don't want to be foolish. Oh you all, is there really any peace to be found on the other side? This is really not fun.

Sorry, I'm so down. I'm so worn out tonite from dealing with all of H's anger. Tomorrow will be a better day...Right? Thanks for listening.

Peace is where you find it, weather on this side of divorce or on the other side really depends on you. But I can assure you that peace does not come from you husband, your children or yourself but only in a right relationship with God. But you already know that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , but like me we just forget sometimes where our strenght lies.

Open Custody? I am not familiar with that and when doing a quick search in Google all I got was a bunch of stuff about offenders and law breakers, nothing on child custody.

If, it means that you are at the whim of your husband either picking up or dropping off the children at his desire the I would say ABSOUTELY NOT. It sounds to me as if he wants to have his cake and eat it to.

Know that I'm praying for the best for you and the girls.

[color:"blue"] (( [/color] [color:"red"] Leah [/color] [color:"blue"] )) [/color] I know this is the roughest part! In all your posts, both private and here, I never recall hearing if you’ve contacted a lawyer. Have you done that? I think you might be at that point, where you need legal counsel and possibly legal intervention here. I didn’t have the children’s custody issue that you have, and that’s a big thing!

Yes, it does get better, this negotiating part is as bad as it gets. You are definitely RIGHT in not going with open custody (if it’s what it sounds like). You want terms that are pretty much set in stone so you won’t have to go through this negotiating ever again. Can (and will) your family help you financially if you need to get a lawyer? I would hope a judge would acknowledge it’s in the kids’ best interest for shared custody due to your circumstances.

I hope today is a better day for you. I know that its possible to go to bed with a heavy heart, and wake up the next day the same way during this mess. Try to not give in to that (easier said than done). I'm praying for you.

Hey All,

I'm at work, and I was able to log in... which is a first since the board change.

[color:"green"]Leah... [/color]

I'm sorry to hear that your going through all of this. I do remember all the heart ache it brought... pryaers for you, and let the Lord lead you and give you strength through all of this.

In my State I have never heard of a Open Custody arrangement.

I'll give you my 02 cents on this.

In most States... you can come up with whatever agreements you want to... but if the Judge does not think it's fair or in the best interests of the children... he will divide up everything the way he sees fit.

Your "H" doesn't have much negotiating room as far as who gets the children... unless he can prove your an unfit Mother. Usually it's 50/50, with the Mother being the Custodial parent, unless she relinquishes that right such as my exW did.

That's my opinion on it... each State differs. What's your Attorney say?

[color:"green"]avondale... [/color]

It's good to be back ((((( avondale))))) right back at you!

Sounds like thing s are going well for you.

No nice yard for me yet... we got 12" of snow yesterday, and I still have a lot of shoveling to do. It will green up here after the snow melts though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"]Me... [/color]

G/F and I are doing well after a major blow out over getting "M".

We broke up for about 2 days, and then decided we are going to wait until about 3 years from now... when the Kids are all out of both houses, and then decide if we still want to tie the knot.

We are still engaged, it's just going to be a very long engagement.

Theres more... but I have to go back to work now.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hello Friends,

Well, after trying to log on five times, I wrote a nice, long posts complete with colors and <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> then went to post it and poof, it was gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> So frustrating...

I don't have time to retype everything and I'm afraid to lose it, so I'll give you all the condensed version. I went to the lawyer yesterday. He feels I am entitled to almost double the monthly support H is offering.

I am seriously considering agreeing with H's terms so that I can be at peace. He will only leave if I agree to his terms. I can make it on what he will give me. It will just be tight. Also, the peace factor is worth its weight in gold to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, H will come out faaar ahead of me. But, I'm okay with that because I know my needs will be met and God can take care of the rest.

Hope all of you are doing well. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

WALLACE,
If you give me your e-mail address, I can write you when I write others on this thread. I'm not having very much luck getting things written here.

[color:"red"] Leah, [/color]
I remember all too well what you're feeling. What I ended up doing was this: I figured out what [color:"blue"] I [/color] thought was fair for alimony (monthly amount and duration), and division of property (assets and house stuff). This was about 35% less in alimony than what my lawyer said was "the usual settlement" given our circumstances. Because I was so stressed, I gave my H a range of figures (starting at the amount I thought was fair (low) to the amount my lawyer thought was usual (high). Then I gave H that range. I felt doing this accomplished the purpose of letting him feel in control because he got to choose, and because it was a range from my own personal "thoughts" on settlement to what my lawyer said (which I quoted to H as just that), I knew it was something I could live with. If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider giving him a range of figures and just say "this is it, I will not negotiate beyond these figures. You realize they are more than fair, and you can choose any amount within this range."

What has happened regarding custody?

[color:"purple"] PS...when posting you may want to write in a word processing program, then cut and paste here. You won't get logged out cuz it's shorter time on MB site. [/color]

Avondale,

Thanks so much for the advice. I love that idea! I will do exactly that. The negotiations continue. It's so hard not knowing truth. I want to believe and trust my H with his facts and figures but... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

As far as the child custody situation, I believe we have that worked out. He's agreed that I would be the custodial parent and I've agreed to "liberal and something? visitation"

I will post this as is so I don't lose it. I'm going to have to learn how to write on windows and cut and paste as you've recommended. Thanks again![color:"blue"] [/color]