Leah
I should have added this to my "advice" for negotiating:
I still sometimes have regrets about not playing "hard ball" and going after the amount my lawyer had suggested. However, they are few and far between, and my needs are definitely being met. I think these times of regret are more likely attacks of the enemy to get me discouraged. The amount I gave when talking to H was fair to both of us, it just wasn't exhorbitant. Greed is not a trait we want, is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi All,

I had some problems logging in again until now... so I will be short and brief and see if this post goes through.

[color:"green"]Leah... [/color]

I can understand how your feeling, and I know that you just want it over (we all felt that way), and avondale has given you some good advice.

I just want to add... that if you go through with this... you want to make sure you have everything out on the table.

You will not be doing yourself or your kids any favors by just rushing through this, by trying to make it less stressful on you and the kids. I can understand your feelings as we have all been there. If you don't dot all the i's and cross all the t's when the "D" is all said and done with... it will eventually come back and bite you.

I'm speaking from first hand experience and with a very good Attorney. I went about it in the same mind set as you IMHO, and it was a huge mistake, which I'm still to this day dealing with as I write this, and it will be almost 2-1/2 years and counting down the road from my final "D" decree.

There are many things that need to be considered, CS, who pays the medical?

Who carries all the insurance, medical and life insurance in case something happens to one of you?

Who pays any outstanding debt... including the Taxes if you file a joint return this year?

Hospitalization and Dental for the kids?

The list goes on... and on... and on.

Hopefully you get my drift on how important all of this is.

Please don't walk in there with I just want to get this over with mentality... because it cause you a lot of time and expense in the long run.

I would make a list of everything you can possibly think of and write it down, and if you haven't got a good answer for it... I would give it some careful thought.

I don't want to see you have to go through what many of us on these boards have gone through... you have been through enough already. It's time to make the correct decisions on this... if in fact your going to have to follow through with it.

We care for you Leah, and we only want the best for you and your children.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

[color:"red"]Leah [/color] ,
Wallace made some great points - especially with regards to the kids' needs (which I didn't have to deal with). You don't want to have to re-work anything down the road. Make sure you've thought through with everything that might come up (think Murphy's law - everything that can go wrong, will).
I am sending you an email with my work number.

[color:"blue"] Petvet [/color] - it's April 15 - how ya doin'?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi All,

It seems I can now log in here at home, but I can't log in while I'm at work.

Leah...

My email address is:

williamwallace1953@comcast.net

I forgot to add that in my last post.

Well I have a "HOT" date with my G/F tonight... j/k

We are going out for dinner and I have a very busy weekend with a ton of things to take care of.

Hope everyone is doing well, and I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I do believe that [color:"red"] Petvet [/color] and [color:"red"] Relady [/color] have been casualties of the war with UBB...I hope y'all can (and will) post soon!

[color:"red"]Momma [/color] (aka "Left with 8 kids")....I know you've been able to post after the big board war, but haven't seen you in a while. How are things going for you?

[color:"red"] Leah [/color] - has anything more been settled with H?

[color:"red"]Wallace [/color] - so your relationship is on again, huh? I would be an emotional wreck with all that drama!

[color:"red"] Trusting [/color] - Congrats on your tax situation! Any more news on your daughter coming to live with you? Does that mean you'll have to go to court to change custody or financial arrangements?

[color:"red"] Me [/color] - I'm at the beach <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Everyone,

I have to laugh... everytime I go to post now I feel like I'm playing "beat the clock". I hurridly write my thoughts with the fear it will disappear when I try to post it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> So if things sound strange,please understand I'm writing as if this is a timed test.

[color:"purple"] [/color] Avondale,
Things are pretty much settled between us. I'm hoping that this agreement can be followed through without too much hoopla. I didn't know you were going to the beach. How wonderful for you. How long are you there? Hope you have a fantastic time.

[color:"blue"] [/color] Wallace,
Thanks for your advice concerning lawyers and settlement. I've thought long and hard about all of it. You are very correct about it involving so many things. All the things you mentioned were great. I've listed all those things as part of what I need to have taken care of.

I will be taking our agreement back to my lawyer and he will review it to see if we've covered everything. H feels I am getting a wonderful deal. I feel he's making out very well. So hopefully, we've struck the right balance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Who knows... it's all so subjective as he has his own business and makes a lot of money but an ever changing amount.

Hope things continue to go well with your g/f. I hope your "hot" date was fun. Take care.

[color:"red"] [/color] Trusting Him,
I hope you are doing well. I'll have to e-mail you and the others with more details as I tend to lose everything here.

[color:"green"] [/color] Petvet,
I can totally relate to the frustration of this board. I really haven't been able to get into it since they've changed the format. If you want to be part of the e-mails, just give me your address and I'll write you that way too.

Hope you survived tax season allright. How are you and Buddy doing?

[color:"purple"] [/color] Hope everyone has a great week. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers as I enter this new phase of life. So many emotions.... Its funny how I thought most of the tears were behind me. They're not. I will keep placing my hope in God and moving forward... Thanks for all your help in this journey!

[color:"red"] Leah [/color]
You said:
That's the way they say it's *supposed* to feel...if one of you felt it was great, then that person probably took advantage of the other. In real negotiations, both parties should feel a little bit "put out". So it is quite probable that you have done well! And don't forget, your emotional well-being counts for a WHOLE lot too.

I had to laugh at your first statement about "beating the clock". You must have done well in school, LOL.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /><--rosy from the sun, not embarrassment! If they had a fat face, I'd post it too, cuz I've been eating fudge all day!

Hey All,

'I was lost and now I'm found" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

This new forum has been a pain to get into without much work!

I couldn't sign in and I called and called until someone called me back and it was to do my password in all caps!!

Are there 2 tough love 2? Ok I'll be back later now that I somewhat know what I'm doing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

relady

Hey All,

Sometimes I can get in here, and most times I can't... but I'm working on it. I'm at work and I can never get in from here... but it must be my lucky day today.

[color:"red"]relady... [/color]

Glad to see you finally have made it back into MBers.

LOL... I know there are 2 each "Tough Love" Topics... and my guess is... is that Petvet did that probably because he couldn't find any other way to post on the board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just a guess though... but I'll bet I'm not to far off on that one.


[color:"red"]avondale... [/color]

Sitting on the beach eating fudge huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy! but don't eat too much fudge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />





[color:"red"]Leah... [/color]

I agree with what avondale posted.

If your both comfortable with what has been worked out... then that makes things much easier for both of you.

When you stated that your "H" is happy with the arrangement though... I would take a closer look at it... I don't think anyone should be "Happy" with any arrangements worked out. Satisfied maybe... but "happy", that gives me cause for pause when I hear that.

Don't rush into this to quick... take your time, and make sure that you have looked at every avenue possible that could possibly cause you problems on down the road.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I've seen people regret many of the decisions they made, after it was all said and done with.

[color:"red"]Petvet, Trusting Him and everyone else... [/color]

I know it's been a real work out to try to get in here and post for some of us... don't give up, keep trying... we will be here when you finally are able to post.

Hope everyone has a very good day today.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Leah--

I feel like such a trespasser on this thread because I'm a stranger here. I was hoping to hear from you but since I didn't, I looked for you and found you here in "divorcing". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So I'm just dropping in to say hi and that I'm still praying for you and your situation. It looks like you're getting some good support and advice here.

There was one thing that I was concerned about when reading about your agreement with your H. I see that custody has been a sticky issue but have you put anything in there about your H not having any "honeys" staying overnight when your girls are there? I know that if my H and I had split, this would be huge with me. Perhaps the folks here may have some advice about that?

And about your H thinking that you're getting a "great deal" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> grrrr. Maybe I still have too much anger about what could have happened to me, but what a sorry thing for him to say. The two of you entered into marriage and structured your lives around being a team--which included you not being in the workforce so that your could raise your kids--and now it leaves you with no livlihood and still with 2 kids to raise. Nobody gets a "great deal" here--financially or otherwise. Maybe he's just saying that to be manipulative and attempt to convince you of that. I really hope that you and your lawyer will be able to get out of this what you need.

Hugs to you, Leah. May God grant you peace through this awful time. I'm really hoping for the best for you and your girls.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Let's just say the conversation about daughter coming to stay with me went south. I pray that I am sane enough to rationaly say what is on my mind.

I went to the house today as it is the son's birthday. I was to take him shopping for his Birthday gift and out to supper. He made an early trip to the lake to fish and was not at the house when I got there.

Daughter comes out to the car as I'm preparing to leave and begins to talk to me.

Mom says that that she does not want me to come and stay with you. She told me that I needed to be here for my brother and sister.

Did Mom give you an opportunity to explain why you wanted to stay with me. "Not really. She just said that she did not want me to go."

What do you want to do? "I want to stay with you Daddy."

She tells me that I listen to her. That it was either me or my sister who explains things to her about her body, how's she's growing, why she's growing and waht nots.

I tell her that I am falttered taht she want to stay with me but unless Mom agrees it could become a heated battle. Are you prepared to talk to a Judge if necesary? She replies tht she would rather not if she does not have too.

Well, I would like to think that your mother and I could discuss it as mature adults and work something out for you.

I go in and ask the former if we can talk. After a few minutes she cmes out and it goes downhill from there. She tells me that I must be forcing this on daughter because she never tells me anything about this (Duh! and you think she would. Her biggest complaint to me is tht Mommy never listens to her) She goes on to tell me that I am stupid for even allowing this to happen and that I should be encouraging her to stay at home where she belongs.

I maintained my composure the best I could and explained to her exactly the time frame and responses from our daughter. Former wants to hear them from daughter and not me. I explain that it would be better if we could agree without having to amake daughter feel as if she is choosing between one or the other. That we as adults need to understand that the divorce has put our children in a position where this could happen. It has nothing to do with either me or you being a better or wore parent but simply our children expressing their desires. She then tells me that in Alabama the age of decision is 18 and that when daughter turns 18 she can go and stay whereever she wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Inside we go and I softy and polietly lay out some ground rules for our daughter, explaining that neither Mom nor I will be upset and that she is free to speak the truth. Mom ask her, rather demands why she wants to stay with me.

Daughter's first response is an example of where she had asked Mom to help her with some curtains and sewing. She told Mom that all she ever got from her was "I'm busy" "Can't you see I'm on the phone". I asked if I could use the sewing machine nd all you told me was that you did not have time, I would tear it up and the you would get right back on the phone.

Mom then justified or explained why she said or did what she did. In a loud voice and poor daughter just brust out in tears. The words "Daughter, you can speak the truth without fear of eaither of us geting angry" never entered into the formers mind I guess.

Needless to say it went south from there. I was told I should be ashamed for runing son's birthday. (Son and I still went shopping, went out to eat and then fishing. We had a good time doing all three and that was exactly what we had planned to do). I was told that I was stupid and that she was sick and tired of me forcing these things on the children. If they were that concerned then they would be telling her the same things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If daughter wants to stay with you she can come when she turns 18.

Daughter was laying her head in my lap and crying during all of that. Yes, she did get up and go to her mother when son and I left which I thought was good of and for her.

Needless to say, this was not waht I wanted but it was exactly what I expected.

TRUSTING HIM,

Sorry things went the way they did. What will you do now? Is it true that they have to wait till their `18 in Alabama?

I think it is very sad that your daughter has been put in this position by your former. I hope and pray things improve. I saw your other thread. I'll have to read that too. God bless you and your family.

DAMSELFLY,

Thanks so much for writing. Please don't worry about being an intruder. It was very kind of you to check up on me.

I have thought about the girlfriend factor and will ask that that be part of our agreement. If you've read here on this thread, you'd see that some of the folks here have had to deal with that very issue. It's good to be prepared for that. The idea of that is so sad to me, as is all this divorce stuff.

I've thought about giving a update on the recovery thread but haven't known whether people I've written to in the past are even there anymore. With the change of boards, I'm not always successful getting my thoughts posted.

Anyhow, I'm hanging in there. I'm still looking to the Lord for guidance and direction. He is my Hope!


HI RELADY, PETVET, WAllACE, and AVONDALE,
Between e-mails and different forums, I sometimes forget what I write where, so please forgive me if I'm redundent.
Husband is suppose to move out sometime by the beginning of summer. He wants to purchase a new home. If it must come to a divorce, I am hoping that he will follow through with our agreement.

Sometimes, I think it is a bit too easy for him to continue living here. He likes this set-up, a housekeeper, laundress,cook and total freedom. I think he has always enjoyed the practical side of the marriage arrangements. He just doesn't wish to be committed to the other aspects of marriage. Anyhow, I'll continue writing here for encouragement and advice.

I dare not write more for fear of the "Poof" factor. Smile.

Leah,
You wrote:
Why make it so easy? I wonder, once the papers are done, do you HAVE to do his laundry and cook for him? Is doing so keeping up a pretense for the kids (or yourselves)? Is that good or harmful? Are y'all sleeping in the same room? I hope you're not picking up after him if he's already sleeping in another room.

Hey All,

Just thought I would drop in and say hi, while I'm doing yard work.

[color:"red"]Leah... [/color]

As always... I agree with what avondale posted.

If he doesn't straighten out... let his G/F do everything for him, or let him fend for himself. Let her have a taste what what's awaiting her.

[color:"red"]Tusting Him... [/color]

Your former appears to be a controller IMHO based on what I got out of your post.

18 is the Age of Imancipation (sp?) in most States. I don't know the laws in your State... but I would look them up. I many States I believe the child can decide on their own where they want to live by age 14. I'm not an attorney, but I would look that one up, if yourdaughter truly wants to live with you.

[color:"red"]Petvet... [/color]

I see your struggling like I am to get in here... but it is getting easier for me when I am at home.

Read what Tempest posted... use all caps on your password, and hopefully that might help.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Very true. My former I have learned more so in the last two years IS a Controller, to the n'th degree. She uses statements like that when it is in her favor.

What does the law really say. !8 is correct BUT at age 14 a HUGE weight is given to the person asking to change homes. Unless the former and I can agree to a custody change then we have to go to court. During that court session our daughter would talk to the Judge and base his decision on what she tells him. I would have hoped that she and I could have done this uncontested, it appears not.

Funny thing is, Thursday is my normal day to get the children that week. The former had checked our daughter out of school early and took her shopping. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> In the two years I've been out of the house this has never happened. Our daughters biggest complaint was that Mommy never had any time for her.

So...the good thing from this may be that Mommy see just how important time with our daughter is.

Now, the mean sidde of me wants to tell her "The law says that any children under the age of 13 will not be left alone at home." Or just go ahead and go back to court and see about custody of all three.

Hi Everyone,

Avondale,

The agreement is that after the papers are officially drawn up, he will leave. I had intended to continue to cook, clean, and do his laundry up to that point. I feel to try to do differently, at this time, would only cause more difficulty. The girls would think I was being mean to their dad. H would be angry and most likely retailitory in his actions.

But, I do need to LET Go emotionally. That is the part I'm really working on now. This is a huge thing for me to do. H's presence is very powerful, whether that presence is positive or negative. He is very influential to everyone around him. He isn't easily ignored and he hates to be ignored. So I try to remain respectful yet removed, a tricky balance at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


He definitely keeps sending me mixed signals as to whether or not he is going to pursue this divorce.
For example, he left on a trip this morning and has called twice just to chat. Everything in me wants to really talk to him, yet I guess I should try to keep my coments brief. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

HI WALLACE,PETVET, TRUSTING HIM and RELADY,
Hope all of you are enjoying a happy weekend! [color:"blue"] [/color]

[color:"red"]Leah [/color] -Given what you've said, I think you're on the right course. There's no need to rock the boat at this point. But if he doesn't move any more towards having the papers drawn up, that will put you in yet ANOTHER awkward position of what to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]Me [/color] - I have a family reunion this weekend out of state which I need to go to (haven't gone in 5-6 years and a few of the older relatives are in poor health). I am NOT looking forward to this because I am the only one living out of state (so they see each other a little more frequently) but mainly I don't want to have to explain where H is and the whole D situation. This is one time when I hope the gossips have been working in advance of my arrival so perhaps I won't have to explain so often. Kids are going which I hope will help. Still, I woke this morning with this kind of "dread".

How is everyone else doing? [color:"red"] Petvet [/color] , I sure hope you see this thread and can post!

I'm really beginning to wonder if he'll move. Last night when we were talking on the phone, he said he didn't have time to go to the lawyer or time to look for a new place. He laughingly said "I guess we'll have to stay married by default" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

So... if he doesn't move, that puts me right back to square one. I feel a big part of the equation is whether or not there is anything going on between him and his assistant. If he really is innocent, I'm willing to stay. If not, I obviously need for him to leave.

I don't know if I've just been paranoid about the whole thing. I'm really questioning my judgement about the situation. Have I just read into an innocent relationship that is truly just a working relationship? After trust has been destroyed, it is so hard to discern truth. I need prayers to be able to do that.

Thanks for any words of wisdom about this. Hope you all have a good week.

Hi All.

Well YD's B-day was yesterday... and it's been pretty busy as usual.

[color:"red"]Leah... [/color]

I've seen this all before... but if you don't want to rock the boat... then go along with it and see how it plays out. Hopefully it will have a happier ending than all of the other people I've known go through this... including myself.

[color:"red"]avondale... [/color]

Family reunion huh?

I don't envy you on that one... but hopefully you will have a good time while your there. I'm suppose to go to one this summer... but I haven't decided if I'm going yet or not.

[color:"blue"]Me... [/color]

Well things are getting interesting over here.

My OD is now engaged to be "M". She is currently living with this guy (dated for four), and has been for the past 2 years.

They plan on getting "M" next May or June of next year... and she asked me if I would come. I haven't committed to anything as of yet. The main reason being... is I don't want to be in the same building, room, or anything thereof with her Mother there. I haven't seen nor spoken to her Mother in over 3 years now... and I would just as soon keep it that way.

She told me that she was not inviting her Mother to the wedding... but I'm not so sure of that.

So my question is... Do you think I should by-pass going to their wedding?

The reason I ask this... is that if her Mother shows up there... I would not be happy about it... and I would immediately leave... regardless of what may be going on.

Nothing will change my mind about what I just stated... as I'm not in the mood for any type of having the whole family get together... that ended when I divorced my eXW. I vowed I would never have anything to do with myexW ever again.

I have not forgiven my exW, for all she has done... mainly because I'm still dealing with a lot of what she left me stuck with. I may never forgive her for it... I've tried... but it just keeps coming. I would list some of the stuff I'm dealing with right now from her... but it would be a very long post.

[color:"red"]Petvet... [/color]

Keep trying... your getting it.

You will be back here in no time.

Hope every has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

[color:"red"] Leah [/color]
I think you're right, my fear is that you'll be back where you started. And in order to find out if anything is going on with his assistant, you're probably going to have to take specific action (i.e.,snoop) to confirm your suspicions. Are you ready to do that?

Bottom line: You are NOT paranoid. Your H is disrespectful of basic marital courtesy <--just coined that phrase! Your judgment IS sound. Have you thought of hiring a P.I.? Is there an update to your situation since you last posted?