[color:"blue"]Missmybee [/color] - Yes, you got through! But I also agree that you probably shouldn't start here in the Divorced forum. Usually those who post here are much farther along in the D (Divorce) process which is NOT where you want to be.

If you go to the GQII (General Questions II) forum, you might want to post a little of your story (your marriage history, what might have led to your wife's A (affair), age of children, etc.). Hint: Separate your post into paragraphs to make it easier to read and you'll get more responses.

Usually affairs start because of unmet needs. As [color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] said, read up on all the info on this site. There are also some good books (sold on this site or at www.amazon.com) which you'd benefit from reading, including "Surviving An Affair". You are welcome to post here on this thread too. But as was already said, there isn't a lot of activity over the weekend. Do you have family nearby who can support you through this?

Wallace - you are right on. If you recall - he had sent me an E-Mail denying everything (though his denial was out of the blue, as I had not said anything about it - he initiated the subject!).

Well, last night I found out that he had introducted the bimbo as his G/F to people at the show that weekend. So, even while he's writing that he would NOT cheat on me and did not have time for another relationship, he has introduced her as his G/F.

He either thinks I'm blind, stupid or both. Clearly has no integrity and no respect for me. Good to know this, huh? Because it cements my resolve that I'm BETTER OFF without him, and will ALWAYS be better off without him. And am not backing down on taking what I'm legally entitled to from the house. Too bad if he is broke - that is not my problem, and I'm not giving up my equity because of his poor planning.

Have you heard the story of the lawyer whose client was on trial for murdering his parents? The attorney approached the court to request leniency for his client, on the grounds that he was an orphan!

Like my H's logic - he wanted the D, it cost him more than he expected because he failed to check things out properly, and now I should share the costs of his incompetence for the D that HE wanted.

You can see how this kind of stuff can make a person crazy - the "logic" is so warped that it's hard to even figure out how to debate it. Note to self: do not try to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

Deja Vu said:

I'm confused...is this the SAME show (a few weeks ago) or another one that he brought her to? Either way, you definitely need to point out this inconsistancy to your H!

Yes, it is the same show I mentioned a couple of weeks ago - I found out from a couple of people just this week that he had introduced her that way, and apparently these people didn't know it was a surprise to me!

Oh, I fully intend to address it. I'm waiting until my lawyer gets back to me (H doesn't know I hired a lawyer and didn't want any lawyers involved). At this point, I'm optimistic that with my lawyer's legal opinion to back me up, H will go along with what I want and we can get the legalities over with. Right now I don't want to instigate any further conflict because I think it is in my best interest to ignore it until I get the resolutions I want. Furthermore, I have a point of argument if he gets nasty about things.

Knowing him, he's probably wondering why I totally ignored that part of his E-Mail. I decided to address another point so he'd know I got the E-Mail, but deliberately ignore his lies. He needs me to say I believe him. Ain't gonna happen!

[color:"blue"]Deja Vu [/color] - Sounds like your plan is good, if you're sure you want a "D". Sometimes even the mention of a lawyer will be enough to make a wayward husband be fair, especially if they didn't want lawyers involved.

[color:"blue"]Wallace [/color] - How was your camping? See any bears? I bet it was cold (I always associate camping with mountains!). Hope you had a good time and were able to get your brain cleared to think about things.

Yup - I want the D. I was pretty sure before. But, now that I know I'm dealing with someone who doesn't honor his promises, is inconsiderate of my feelings even while claiming to be so righteous and caring, lies about important things, and could well be a narcisist - hmmmm - let me think about it... YES! (I want a D).

The sooner the better. I learned from my lawyer that H has legal claims on all my property, including my new house, until the D is final. That's scary - my lawyer thought I needed to think about this carefully, and move quickly if I was sure I wanted the D.

So, how's everyone else? What's up with the rest of you?

Hey All!

I'm back, and I'm playing catch-up on work and all my household duties.

avondale...

Camping was o.k. for the most part.

It was cold, and it rained, and the wind blew with up to about 80 mph plus wind gusts. Aside from that... I cleared my brain for the tree days I was up there, and now I'm buried in work that piled up on my desk for the one and only day I took a vacation day from work on. I'm getting through it though.

How are you making out?

Deja Vu...

It sounds like you have a good game plan going... I would stick with it.

Well gotta run... gotta go back to work.

Hope everyone is well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey Leah,

Are you still around? How are you doing? I think about your sitch from time to time and wonder if anything is looking up for you yet?

Stop in and say 'hi' if you can.

HI ALL,

[color:"blue"] [/color] Happy Father's Day to all the Wonderful Dad's on this thread. Hope you're having a great day! [color:"blue"] [/color]

Deja Vu,

Yes, I'm still here. I've been reading here but haven't had a lot of time to post. Things are still very challenging here at home. My girls are with their dad today for Father's Day, so this is a good time to write.

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with in regards to your H. I know how very much the betrayal can hurt. You are wise to be cautious of what you allow yourself to believe when it comes to listening to your H's words of reassurance. This is familiar territory for me.

As I've written before, I have learned the hard way to believe someone's actions rather than their words. Some people are very adept at promising you the sun, moon and stars but their actions can fall WAY short of that. It sounds as if we both might be married to those types of people.

I wish you the best in your situation. It sounds as if you are keeping your head on straight through all of it. Keep looking up!

Avondale,

I'm going to try to call you today so I can give you an update about everything. Hope you are doing well.


Wallace,

I'm glad you had the chance to go camping. It's always good to get away for a few days. I think I could really use that right now.

So how are you and your G/F doing? Are things still running smoothly between you both? Has she made peace with the idea of waiting for marriage?

Thanks for your encouragement to stay strong. I often think of your closing line in the midst of ongoing struggles here. I'm trying to stay strong with God's help. Hope you're doing well too!

TRUSTING HIM,

How are things going for you and your family? How is your daughter doing with the situation with her mom and boyfriend? That would be such a tricky situation. As always, it sounds as if you are dealing with the situation with much thought and wisdom.

Thank you for always being an encouragement with the things you write. I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I am very much looking forward to having this situation resolved but it looks as if it might not be any time too soon. I'm trusting God with the timing. He knows best! I hope you are doing well!

Hi E.C., Petvet, Relady and Anyone else I might have missed,

I always enjoy hearing updates from each of you. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying life. God bless you!

Leah2be

It is so good to hear from you. And from the sounds of your posting it seems that you have a good handle on your thoughts and emotions. Praise God! You and the girls have been in my prayers.

Custody questions from your other post. Today, from my prespective on divorce 50/50 would be in the best intrest on all involved. The schedules of a standard visitation or parenting schedule are just as hetic on the children as the 50/50. But it will take 2 parents working together to ensure that it works.

Do husbands/fathers change? Looking at myself I would have to say yes. I too spent much time at work, traveling and working overtime. I was attempting to provide for a family and doing what I thought was best for us. Since our divorce I see and understand just how much of an impact a father does have on his children's lives and have adjusted my priorities because of that.

So even my former wife could say that at times before our divorce I seemed unintrested in the day to day lives and activities of our children where now I make it a point to show them through my time that I do love them and care about them. I have learned that with children LOVE is spelled TIME.

From what I hear from you it seems that you fear is that while your husband is asking for 50/50 you feel that because of his schedule you may still end up with the girls most of the time. That could be true and one of the other posters touched on the subject of child-support and the differences paid in standard visitation vs. the 50/50 approach. You will need to keep that in mind as you approach this subject with him and your lawyer.

That is something that only you can answer. But know that I will keep you in my prayers.

[color:"blue"]Wallace [/color]

You said:

and I will just quote from one of the chapters:

You men who are not married, please take heed to this revelation. If you are unmarried, be quick to hear and slow to speak. Do not lead women on and play games with their emotions. Mkae up your mind not to make a move unless you are ready to die for that commitment.

In other words, do not join the army until you are prepared to die and never defect.

you.....must decide, "Is she chasable to the grave?"

As for the daughter, I can only pray that I pointed her in the right direction. Yes, we had a heart to heart talk and she knows that it is my desire for her to remain a virgin until she marries. Yes, we dicussed the making out thing and even talked about how our minds may say one thing but out emotions and feelings are saying the exact opposite. So she knows that it is best to not put ourselves in a position where those emotions may have the chance to take control.

She has managed to keep her distance from this boy since then, enough distance that it was noticed by her Mother and she asked me if I might know why OD was being non-chalant (sp) around him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I just smiled and Thanked God.

[color:"blue"]Avondale [/color]

Soap Opera? [color:"#666666"]The Day's of Our Lives[/color] and [color:"#666666"]All My Children[/color] with a bit of [color:"purple"] Ryan's Hope[/color] all wrapped up in one.

No, I agree that her Mother is not paying attention, or she's paying attention to the wrong things. OD did say that Mom thought it was cute that she had a crush on BF's son. To me that is a huge red flag. But prayer and God has managed to damper those feelings.

You are right and I should have mentioned that too. It is not only OD that sets the standard but also how she sees me treat other people, particulary women and even her. So...please keep her amd me in your paryers.

OD did attend a "Souled Out" summer camp in Panama City. Her Youth Group left in clicks and returned as a unified group, all united through Christ. Before leaving OD may have been able to tell you 10 names of the people in her group. Upon returning she can list 50! Thye had an Awesome trip and they all returned Fired Up for Christ. Now I'll just encourage her to keep that flame burning.

[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color]

I think you hit it square on the head. I feel a good portion of it is consciously, at least in the direction of attempting to create this "family unit" with her and the other children.

It's OK to be a cynic at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I pray that all is well with you. It is amazing what our spouses and former spouses can and will do to get things their way.



[color:"blue"] EC [/color]

It was good to see your name back on the boards again. And I can surely vouch for the feeling of being "hindered from a stigma from almost 5 years ago."

Living life and having fun sounds good!

[color:"blue"] PetVet[/color]


Reality? Reality is living life from one day to the next, "give me this day my daily bread" is the best that I can hope and pray for.

My faith and the encouragement and support from you all here has carried me to where I am today. I wonder where Peter's hope was when he stepped out of the boat. I can promise you it was not in the water he stepped into. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] Everyone [/color] -
Leah posted a new thread, and I think those of you who have kids and custody arrangements might offer her some insight there. Click on this link Leah's Custody Questions

[color:"blue"]Wallace [/color] - thanks for the post on the "netiquette". I'm seeing too many newbies either not get responses or just jump in without reading any of the articles here, so it seemed time for a little reminder.

Hi all! I have had alot to review in order to catch up.

Leah: I'm happy to hear from you. Normally, the WS will reveal themselves. They will show their real beings. Now the light shines right through. Follow the light. While I was going through my trials, I use to always say to myself that weather the storm and someday the light will shine through. Things cannot stay bad forever. Hang tough. During this time, go into serious thpught about yourself, where you have been and where you are going.

Missmybee: I would like to offer a differing opinion on this thread from what you have been told. I don't think that this thread is for doomed M. I think we offer advice and recommendations to help folks save their M; however, if the BS find that D is an option, then we try to help them through that process as well.

DeJaVu: I think your H is disrespecting you big time. Is you H still living with you? He must be held accountable.

Avondale: How are you doing? Any trips plan.

Wallace: Camping! Hmmm. I may be camping some time this summer.

Me: I am doing fine. I have been lagging with my posts lately, but I am going to improve.

Later.

Hi All,

I started posting yesterday, but got caught up in work, and had a bunch to take care of when I got home, so I figured I would try to post now.

I would just like to say that I hope all the Dad's had a "Happy Father's Day", I had personally had an execellent time with all of my kids. It was just family only... and we all had a great time.

[color:"blue"]Leah... [/color]

It's good to hear from you, and thank you for the well wish on Father's day... it is greatly appreciated.

I read your post about custudy yesterday and was going to respond... as I am back in the midst of CS issues again myself... but ran out of time. I'll give it a read again, and see if I can add anything worthwhile.

How are you making out and holding up?

You do need to Stay Strong! while going through all the wonderfullness. It will indeed push you to the farthest edges, and you will need to walk with the Lord the whole way through it in order to maintain any kind of sense of being.

Keep us updated as things progress.



[color:"blue"]Deja Vu... [/color]

How are you holding up since everything came to light?

Maake sure that while your going through all of this, that you cover every base. Cross all your T's and dot all your i's. Otherwise you will where I am heading three years later... going back to Court. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



[color:"blue"]avondale... [/color]

Yep... I had to add to your thread, as I agreed with it all.

Thanks for taking the time to post it.



[color:"blue"]Trusting Him... [/color]

Thanks for the excerpt from the book. It looks like a great read... and I'm sure it will answer a lot of questions for me.

Glad to hear that you had the talk with your OD, and everything is going in the direction that appears to be positive.

Keep up the good work!



[color:"blue"]Petvet... [/color]

The camping trip was pretty good aside from the weather. It cleared the head for the time being... but now I'm back to the big City again, and the clearing of the head was short lived.

How's things going on your end.


[color:"blue"]Me... [/color]

Well my G/F and I are doing O.K..

She kicked back in on the "M" thing again, and I flat out told her, that I wasn't going to think about "M", until all the kids were out on their own, and that was my last word on it.

The more she brings it up... the farther she pushes me away.

She has CS issues that she has to deal with, because her exH is a deadbeat, and she has to go back to Court. I also have to do the same thing. It just never ends... I'm real sick of it all personally.

[color:"blue"]relady, EC, and anyone else that I missed... [/color]

Hope your all doing well.

Well have a nice day all.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

No, I moved out last December. Read on - he never lets himself be accountable for anything.

Interesting the insight I had the other day - something that was a problem in our M for almost all of the 20 years. It is this: He has a different perception than I do of his behavior - always has, probably always will. He thinks he IS being respectful. He simply disavows any knowledge for how other people perceive his communications and that is the end of it. Out of his mind and on he goes. For instance, he simply cannot understand why anyone would assume this woman he brought to the dog show was his G/F. Even though people swear he introduced her that way, he says they're all mistaken and that he wouldn't have introduced her that way. He says the problem is everyone else jumping to conclusions and not his behavior.

What's hard is while you are in the situation, listening to him or reading his E-Mails, it sounds so rational. I end up thinking, maybe I'm the crazy one, maybe I'm at fault for not trusting his good intentions, and therefore twisting what he says. Maybe I should assume the best instead of the worst - which is of course what he wants everyone to do. Maybe if I trusted him in the first place, I would believe him - because according to him, all his motives are pure and all his actions commendable.

Someone should write a book on how people explain away all their behaviors by placing responsibility on others around them for perceiving things wrong. This is an interesting strategy: "you misunderstood me, and all errors in understanding are your fault - they have to be, because my intentions are so pure." He has always told me that how I react and feel as a result of his actions is 100% up to me, and has nothing to do with him.

I remember he broke something of mine 20 years ago, and simply said, "gee I didn't mean to" - and that somehow absolved him of any guilt OR responsibility. He never offered to fix it or replace it - his good intentions absolved him. Funny, I still remember this incident. Why didn't I realize this was a red flag? I must have known or why else would I remember it as clearly as if it were today? I even kept the broken item all these years - even moved it with me when I left. Why would I do that?

Over the years he has messed up several things that cost me lots of $$, and failed to follow through on really important matters, leaving me to do it myself or suffer the consequences. Not his concern.

And you know what? This behavior is SO insideous. It isn't until it has happened over and over again, until a pattern emerges, that you see it for what it is. And those moments are fleeting glimpses. The next time something that fits that pattern happens, you have to be able to relate it back to the pattern. If it doesn't exactly fit, it's hard to decide what to do. You don't want to make a big deal out of a little thing if there really isn't a pattern there. It isn't always easy to see when a little thing is just one more part of a BIG thing.

We can't both be sane, can we?

Deja Vu,

Wow, you could have been writing about my H! He does the same type of thing. Have you ever read any books dealing with narcissism? About five years ago we went to a counselor who gave my H a personality test. He ended up being highly narcicisstic.

The more I've read and learned about this sad personality disorder, the more I've understood how impossible it is to have a relationship with this type of personality. You might find some interesting reading if you look this up.

I've also read a couple of books dealing with this disorder. One is called "Why is it Always All About You" by Sandy Hotchkiss. This is a very informative and interesting read.

Hang in there with your situation. I just noticed your other thread. I'll try to read there and respond tonite.

Trusting Him,

Thanks for writing. It sounds as if you've made some positive changes since your divorce. You are a very different person than my H and I'm concerned that my H's motives are not as pure as yours. I believe you truly have your children's best interest at heart. I don't believe the same of my H. He has done several things of late that have continued to confirm this belief.

I think he is good to the girls as long as it suits his purposes. I believe that although he loves the girls, it is a selfish love as he is still #1. I would like to think better of him but I'm afraid his actions confirm my sad suspicions.

The girls have been having a difficult time with the back and forth between our homes. They have seemed sad and they are missing being here. I don't know if that will change as they get use to this arrangement or if it only will get worse once school starts up. I am concerned with them keeping up with everything being back and forth between two homes.

Because of this, I'm just not sure about the 50/50 thing. I truly want what is best for them. I will just have to continue to pray and seek God's wisdom about it.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It is wonderful to know so many are praying right now. That is what will see me through these difficult days. Take care.

Wallace,

Thanks for responding here and on my other thread. I am so looking forward to talking to the attorney about all of this. I hope to get some answers on Friday. Even now, things have been tough with the girls the way H is wanting to divide the time. He's very insistent on doing everything his way. I'm interested in knowing if anything can be done now to change our current custody arrangements.

Hope your situation with child support or custody gets resolved quickly. I can't believe you're still dealing with it now. Hang in there and God bless.

Avondale,

Good talking to you the other night. Thanks for writing about my other thread. You always take such good care of all of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Have a good day!

Hi Petvet, EC, Relady !

Leah - thanks for your input! You are not the only one here to suggest narcissism for my H. I did some brief reading on the Internet, and it certainly sounded plausible. Now I see Amazon has this, and another book someone here recommended, in used versions for right around $5 each - so I went ahead and ordered both of them.

There was another book on Amazon about narcissistic families. From reading the reviews, it sure sounds like H's family background is much like described in that book. (This book is $37 - I'm passing on this one.)

Hi Gang............

I don't know how many saw the "Run Away Bride" interview lastnight, but for me it brought back so many emotions after I had a chance to talk to my exww after the 1st d-day in 2001. I remembered as we talked and hugged I asked why the AF, why is she moving? etc...All she could do was cry in my arms from shame, guilt and confusion, but then said she was running and knew she was but didn't know why? She said she must run because that's all she knows to do.....

I said what are you running from? She had no answer...

Maybe I could be wrong but I feel a part of Jennifer W problem,just like my exw, is the DV Jen's parents had when she was 4 yrs old. Just when a commitment to a person enters her life, she runs, false perfectionist condems herself......hmmm?

Anyway as they sat there lastnight being interviewed I thought I was looking at a mirror of me and my exw..........

I only thought even more of how many BS's are living in false guilt that the DV and Af's are about them? Her (soon to be) husband was totally innocent, I wondered how he would have felt after they had said (I do)and she would had run, would he still feel innocent or at fault? Just trying to look at things from a before and after view...

Anyway she's a nice woman I wish them all the best...

Hello to everyone........

EC

It's so good to see and hear you back again. You;ve been missed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're not the ony one who had thought along that line. As I was listening I was rushed back in time to a comment my former made when news of OM was first made public between me and her.

All I want to do is just run. I just feel like running away from everything.


And she is still looking today for that perfect relationship, perfect family and perfect image.