Update: H has an attorney! My attorney likes her - says she's very reasonable and (no surprise) H didn't tell her about my non-marital property from before we were married, nor did he tell her about all the $$ he already took out of the house for himself. My attorney is also going to get her to do all the paperwork - thus saving me $$ and costing my H instead.

On the downside - the repeated delays by my mortgage banker on getting my refinancing done has cost me the opportunity. Now that I've had four figures in car repairs, the same in monthly attorney bills, and having to replace equipment used in my self-employment business (that I lost or was broken after I moved), now my credit is overextended. All looked good the beginning of June and she had assured me it would happen within a couple of weeks. I'm trying to not be mad at her for delaying, and for never responding to my calls. I should have "fired" her and gone somewhere else, but she was going to not charge me closing costs and appraisal fees again since she handled my original mortgage.

There is a never-ending litany of other irritating things as well - a week ago the phone company disconnected my phone. No reason, no explanation and no notice. They have admitted there was no reason for it, and they can't determine why it happened. It's finally back working again. Then the city condemmed a tree in my yard and has given me 8 days to come up with a few hundred $ to remove it. One of my CC companies is trying to double charge me for something because they messed up their records (from 6 months ago) - and has once again sent me a bill for a few hundred $$ they say I owe but can't produce records for... finding out H has been complaining to my friends about how I'm ripping him off... and the beat goes on.

So, still in limbo. Yesterday I sat here and stared at the walls all day - I felt so numb I couldn't do a thing. Thoughts going through my mind: time to "get out of Dodge"...

((( [color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] ))) Sometimes when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? I have also had similar "problems upon problems" this weekend. I know God won't give me more than I can handle, and I'm glad He's there to help me. Don't beat yourself up about not bailing on the mortgage banker; are they moving forward now?

Remember, this is a new day, and a new week for us. Get out of the house, don't stare at the walls, and count your blessings, even the small ones! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi all! Sorry for being absent lately. I have been very busy. I have alot going on. I hate when I can't post regularly.

DejaVu: Home refinancings never go as plan. It's a joke. It seems as though your D is moving to a close. Stay strong.

Avondale: Hurry, if you want to take a vacation, the summer is coming to a close. How are you doing? Also, thanks for the comments on Prenups. Yes, I did see the Dr. Phil episode on Prenups. Buddy saw it as well. I have more on the Prenup issue later. You asked about the our kids. The kids are crazy about us. My child calls her mom which his mother hates.

EC: It was nice to hear from you.

Wallace: Are things going well with your GF?

Me: Except for being terribly busy, all is good except for the ex and behavioral issues with child due to going back and forth among households and different discipline methods.
While meeting with my attorney on some other issues, I asked her about prenups, and she did not like them. As a matter of fact, she said that the prenup would have to be a darn good agreement in order for her to recommend me signing one. I passed the info to Buddy. She was quiet with no response. After a while, she said that a prenup is not least of our worries. We remain positive.

Later.

Me: The p

[color:"blue"] Petvet, [/color] it was great to hear from you. Glad things continue to go fairly smooth for you!

[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] - Where have you been? I hope your summer has gone well.

[color:"blue"] Trusting [/color] - you need to post!

[color:"blue"]Leah [/color] - How are your parents doing? I hope that caring for them is helping you also keep your mind off court-related things. Is there any update with that? If so, email me and I can share with the others non-publically.

[color:"blue"] EC [/color] - You should post more often, too. How often do you see your kids? Did either of them come to stay with you this summer?

[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] - Are you feeling better now? I find that the weekends sometimes are more difficult, because I have more time to reflect since I'm not in the busy office environment.

Hello to anyone else who didn't get a personal mention. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi all,

Not much happening on my end.

Avondale - To answer your question. I've havn't seen the kids since grad 2004. I talk with YD about once a month, now that they are older, they have moved on with there own life. YD calls more often. OD will call if she needs money. OD is still in denial, she thinks exww never done one single thing and all this is my act and show. But as they say, oneday they will get curious and will want to know the facts and story on my end...

Other than that life is good!

Well I have something to share! I had suspected that H's affair with OW might have lessened. I had also suspected that he was involved with someone different. My fears were confirmed when I got an email from him. It went like this: "Out of courtesy to you, I thought you should know that I'm dating a person quite regularly. She's from around here so I didn't want you to be surprised if anyone said anything to you, or saw us out, and you weren't aware of it. If telling you was wrong, I apologize. But as I said, I thought you should know before the rest of town knows." Well, my internet work (I hate myself for doing this, and for still caring so much!) has led me to believe she's younger than our kids. Lord I hope I'm wrong on that account! Even though I had kind of figured he was "involved" with someone else, having him confirm it in writing kicked me in the gut again. Arrrgh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Avondale,Avondale...

Don't get worked up about this..(Why, you might ask?). Your exh is not telling you about her because he's proud, he's telling you about her because he's ashamed, seeking validation, as he (tarzan)swings from one woman to the next. A Ws, ex or not, if they left out of the marriage swinging to OW or OM, they will continue to swing. I bet you 100% he's cheating on this new chick with OW in the middle. He's not a faithful man.

You serve as his base for truth, security and validation, as he plays tarzan. Trust me, he does not feel good inside. He may appear, and sound strong like he's the gift to women but he's crying inside and messed up. He's trying to have a woman fill that empty void while he's sinking to the bottom, he probably will go through 10 women before he gets there.

******************************************

From a man's angle this is what he's really saying " Since I don't feel good about myself and rejected, pretty ugly inside and insecure, I have a new GF that's attending to my shame and wounds, first OW didn't hit the spot, and just in case you see us, remember how I ran away from home moma, this new GF is not better than you, but I want to make sure you know I'm not far away from home moma". I just want to make sure if you see us, I get your approval". sign..Johnny Lunchbucket...

***************************************************

So you might as well start shouting the victory and start living life. Those relationships aren't what they appear. It's like fast food, the wind hits it and it's all cold and dried up in 2 minutes.

Hang in there, the eye of the storm has already passed over you, and now you're just feeling the after winds. You have a great future and great things ahead that you never thought would ever come true.

Avondale,

So sorry... I know how it feels. Maybe our H's are friends, eh?

Here's what mine had to say about the GF he brought to the dog show a couple of months back:

"I don’t recall saying I wouldn’t share my agility life with a girlfriend by bringing her to a show but what actually happened was a friend from work wanted to see the show after hearing me talk about showing for the last few years and everyone, including you apparently, seemed to think she is my new girlfriend. I won’t deny that might work for me but I’m still faithfully married to you so that’s not really an option at this point...."

and then later, "I don’t know how folks got the impression that I was introducing her as my girlfriend because at that point I had only seen her several times outside of work and she would have been shocked if that had been my introduction. Funny how things can develop though and I have been spending more time with her but I don’t know that I would call her my girlfriend; she is a friend who happens to be a girl."

Sure made my day. Especially the "girl" part - from a guy who used to be very sensitive to women not liking to be called "girls". So either it was a slam of some sort, or she really is as young as she looks, and thus really is a "girl".

These guys don't really have to share this stuff. I think they want us to think they don't need us, and can easily find another woman. Well, go for it. One size fits all. We are all interchangeable, right? Well, depends on what you are looking for... confirming what I have been thinking lately anyway.

Avondale, we are better than that. Have you seen the commercial about the middle aged woman, speaking generically to men in general, "for all you men who left for ... (younger women?) ... WE DON'T MISS YOU"

Last night I had dinner with an old friend, who happens to be a guy. We talked and talked about getting old, what it means, what our lives mean, etc. It was great. I realized there are men out there who aren't like my H. However, like my friend, they may be spoken for. But still.. we don't have to settle for crap. Only crap has to settle for crap, and that's not us.

Avondale,

A big hug to you. I so understand when you say you wish you didn't care so much. It seems it would make it easier not to, doesn't it? But once you've committed yourself to someone for a lifetime, that love does not easily go away. I know how much it can hurt but just know that God will see you through all of this. You do have a hope and a future. Keep hanging on to truth. Speaking of truth... A quick update.

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to let you all know how things are. Things continue to be very challenging here at home. I can't go into a lot of details other than to say, I'm praying for TRUTH to be shown to all concerned.

My first day in court is this Wednesday at 1:30. I'd really appreciate your prayers on this. Some of you are aware of the issue that will be addressed. I'll give an update as soon as I can in regard to the outcome of that trial.

Although things are difficult, God is seeing me through. I feel a peace in the midst of the storm. My biggest concern is for the girls and all that they have been through and continue to go through. I hope in time they come to understand truth about all that is happening.

Hope you all are well. God bless you!

Anyone heard from Leah today? Wondering how things went...???

Hi gang.........

Not much happening on my end.

I saw something happen today and as I saw it, I saw a lesson.

A man owned a candy vending machine. The machine was in a place of business. I saw the him come and fill the machine 2 weeks prior with a smile. Then today I saw the man come again today and a employee of the company said, hey! we have a lot of customers complaining about getting jipped from this machine. She said people are putting money in, but only a little comes out. He said how long has this been? because nobody ever said a word about it and I never noticed. Then the employee said it's been happening for 2 months and people want this thing out of here.. He said it was never communicated to him, he was surprised?..

So as I saw this, I looked at that machine as the(BS). Many BS's are not aware that the (WS) was complaining. The WS tells everyone else the problem except the one who can fix the problem. In that the WS thinks they have communicated the issue to the BS when in fact the BS know's nothing about the unmet expectation.

So since the WS may feel jipped from the deposits they have given, they finally decide to make no more deposits in machine. By this time they decide to make there deposits to another machine (OM/OW).

So as I saw this, I thought, had many BS's known of there WS's unhappiness they would have fixed the issue sooner. After the man examined the machine the machine was fine, the problem was that if you didn't turn the knob all the way you only got half of what you were expecting.

So I saw this and realize many WS's never try hard enough to turn things around and get the fullness of what they put into the relationship and marriage. They give up not knowing they are part cause of the machines(BS)low output, yet the machine is full of what they need and want.

Anyway I thought that was interesting........

What a great story - thanks for sharing! Isn't it great how we are presented with lessons when we least expect it?

EC
That was an insightful story. I agree with Deja Vu, it is great how lessons are shown when we least expect them!

Hey?

Where's everybody at?

Nobody's home anymore...........

Well, I'll just talk to myself. I had this thought. After the BS of dv begins to move forward, move on and have successes. They may even have a new spouse or GF/BF. What do you think is the key element that sparks them to sink into a pit? Whether it be, failure, regret, sorrow,etc...

Now sometimes this is called baggage. At what point do you know that you have removed your baggage?

************

See, here's my definition of (Failure): Having success at something you attempted that had great purpose and meaning, but then it suddenly failed.

************

When you're doing an alone project, you can back track and see and learn your mistakes. In marriage you can do the same also. I also understand accountability and responsibility.

But,when a WS has there own selfish agenda, a seperate life outside the marriage with OP and you did't know it, in which they're pretty much into another marriage(called adultery by the way). Where is the line of failure drawn for the BS, after realizing that if the WS would come back, it's considered a great successful marriage again verses if they DV then its a failure.

IF this is the case, why should a BS be consumed with marriage failure if they knew what it took to succeed?.

So, would this mean that a BS has a sense of false failure about themselves? Are they carrying false baggage of failure? Can a WS determine your failure or success in a case like this? If a WS is in an affair that they're unwilling to leave how does the BS depart feeling confident?

In bible times, the paper of the bill of divorcement was always given to the woman, never to a man, this was so that when she was sent away from him in dv,(if innocent)she would have a sense of self-worth and confidence and not be treated as an outcast. The man could be wrong in his heart, but he was still obligated to give her the bill.

What's your thought about how much should the BS carry?

EC, Hi! I'm here - for a few moments before I head out...


Dang good question. I don't believe we ever lose our baggage completely. But, maybe we learn to pack lighter and lighter over time, and maybe we even stow that extra bag in a storage locker from time to time.

Maybe when we get to the point that we no longer make decisions based on our baggage, and no longer assess other people based on it.

I've wondered about this - it's akin to the question, "how do I know if I've healed yet?" to which I also have no definitive answer. Maybe the answers come when we no longer feel a need to ask these kinds of questions.


Are you asking if BS are accepting responsibility for a failure that was not really theirs? I can see two angles to this - one is a tendency to accept blame beyond what is appropriately ours; the other is a tendency to blame others for the failures in our lives. What a fine line!

But, at some point we all need to feel good about ourselves again. Maybe that means shifting responsibility off of ourselves to appease our sense of guilt and/or feelings of failure, so we can move on. Probably we have no way to validate whether we are carrying baggage of real or false failures - so we have to pick one and go with it.

Hi Deja Vu

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Quote:

Are you asking if BS are accepting responsibility for a failure that was not really theirs? I can see two angles to this - one is a tendency to accept blame beyond what is appropriately ours; the other is a tendency to blame others for the failures in our lives. What a fine line!
*******************

I'm coming from the angle that many BS's take accessive blame beyond what is really there's. When you begin to work on you, you start to see how you may have let your guard down, could have been better at this or that, and you work on you and improve. This is done to improve you and your relationship skills and to regain your spouse's attention.

Ok, so you did all the right things, if the WS had come back you are a success. If not, then are you a failure?.

So now, one has to look at, did I fail or did I succeed? now I'm beginning to wonder if people like myself, put what is a failure and what is a success in the wrong place of measurement. Meaning maybe the success or failure should not be determined whether or not the WS comes back, but that you made changes within yourself that would make them happy, you're happier and people take notice of you, that makes a positive impact in your environment. Then if the WS choose not to return to the marriage at least you know you made the effort of success.

So I think what I'm saying is, rather than placing the success or failure on the marriage, maybe the (success) should be placed on how a person improves themselves that makes them happier and attractive of course (without being selfish)and that (failure) in this case can be defined as [Failure]: " A choice a WS makes to no longer pursue there current spouse but chooses to pursue there new lover".

So, I don't know, just tossing around thoughts, anyone is welcome to give there 2 cents......

Hi all! It's nice to be back with you folks.

Avondale: Question? Do you have any feelings for your former husband? Your exh is playing games again. Why does he think you would care who he dates? Do you care? He is kinda screwed up in his head because he is ashame of what he is doing yet he continues doing it. I realize you are hurt, but you may want to count your blessings that you are no longer married to him. He is not your problem anymore. Let some other woman deal with his issues. Let him stress some other woman out with his issues. Don't be sad, be happy!

Later.

Hi Gang,

Hope you all are doing well. From what I can remember, none of you are close to where the hurricane hit, so hopefully everyone is fine.

Things have been just about as bad as they can be here. Lots of drama and craziness. I guess it's all an ugly by-product of divorce with an extremely controlling individual. So difficult at times, yet I will survive.

There are always blessings in the midst of all the strugles. I need to keep the right perspective and have a thankful heart for all the good in my life. I'm eager for things to settle down. I'm sure they will in time. Meanwhile, I must stay strong for my girls. They need as much stability as possible right now.

I will try to get an e-mail out to those of you who I have addresses for. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Take care and keep looking up!

Hi All,

I'm still working on my remodel in my bathrooms... in fact I have a 3 day weekend with one of them this weekend, and most of it will be finished.

My computer at home died... I think my Vid card went out on it. As soon as I'm done with this one bathroom... I'll fix my computer... there is only so much time in a day.

G/f sitch is going pretty good... we decided no wedding bells for at least two years. That discussion is offically over... finally! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EC...

I really liked your insight as far as your posts went.

Speaking for myself only... I consider myself as a failure in regards to my past "M". Did I learn from my mistakes... yes I did... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't follow into my old patterns again. I took my "M" for granted, and that was my big mistake. I find myself constantly looking back at it all, knowing full well... that it didn't have to end the way that it did.

My exW didn't help things by any stretch... in fact if anything... she fanned the flames to expedite the end of the "M".

All in all... it's probably something that I will never, ever get past. I've tried, and I am moving forward in my life... but I now find myself looking at things in a whole different light.

Leah...

I know your kind of limited at this point to post how you made out... but I hope everything went in your favor on that particular day.

Deja Vu...

It apears to me that your having a real time of it with your exH as well.

How are you holding up? Has anything changed that may make things a little less stressful for you?

avondale...

Glad to hear that you have some good support from your friends from Church. I have found my best support from my friends at Church as well.

Petvet...

So what's happening on your end?

Are we going to hear wedding bells soon, or did the Prenup scenario skew that off the table?

Trusting Him...

Havent heard from you in awhile... when you get a chance, let us know how your making out.

relady...

We really haven't heard from you in awhile. Hopefully business is good, and that's keeping you busy.

Speaking of busy... I have been extremly busy here at work, and I have to get back to it.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,

I can relate to what you wrote - about not ever getting totally past what has happened. And not being confident of being able to avoid the same patterns again. I go in and out of DEEP PITS of thought along these lines.

Re: your question about my sitch - my lawyer says his lawyer is finally getting to look at the paperwork. I have said that if we don't have an agreement by a week from tomorrow, I will remove my offer to give him extra time to get me my equity.

My new IC has studied the files from the past, including the times H and I were both in to see my former IC (who has since retired). The last thing she said to me when I left today is, "if you go back with him, you're going to need to find yourself a different therapist!" She does NOT like what she's been reading about him (from the previous IC's opinion of my H).

Leah - Glad to hear from you. Are you OK?

Avondale - how are you doing?

EC - any more great insights? You sure popped in at the right time - for me anyway!

Petvet, Trusting Him... and anyone else.... HELLO??