Hello All...

Wallace - I know what you mean by, will you make the same mistakes again. Sometime ago somebody asked me if I would ever get married again? I responded without realizing it and said, "No, I'm to afraid I'll cripple somebody again", in essense I'm running away from the trap of oneway relationships...For whatever reason, all I can think of is that I spoil a woman with love and service, then it cripples them to start taking and no longer give....I haven't figured out yet how to be good to a woman without crippling her, it's a boundry thing I know....I believe love has actions with it and you express yourself without limit, but I feel I did those acts and they failed. Example: Exww started out loving to cook. I was one of those H that shared the duty of cooking,etc...Just because I know how to cook and share it don't mean I'm saying I want to be the sole cook of the house, I had other responsibilites to do.

So there would be those times I left for work at 6:00a worked overtime to make extra money, get home at 9:00p. A long day. Teenage kids would say dad, we haven't ate dinner yet, I say where's your mother, why come she has not fed you guys?, oh she's waiting on you to get home to cook...Those times would fry my gizzard! I had to ask her to teach those girls to cook and also asked her to step up and do her part...... Exww didn't want to cook, neither did, YD and OD, so really I crippled 3 people. Soooo this is part of the resentment why they stay away from me and are distant, making them do something they didn't want to...

I remember the hurtful times before we were Dv'd that I call exww's house to speak to the girls and exww would brag as OM was in the background cooking them dinner...

So things like that make me evaluate things....Had I just left kitchen thing alone years ago and tried not to help cook everthing would have maybe been fine. But I like to cook also, so it was a fine line...


Deja Vu - In looking back going through my DV, If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't go to court like I did. I found in court in dealing with DV there's two laws. Civil law and Moral law of man-kind. The courts could careless about moral law and what is fair and right. Your only chance to use anything moral is what you agree upon outside of court. So whatever you do let your moral and civil have it's right places. It's sad but a WS is immoral from the start and sometimes you have to treat them like the thief they are. Don't attempt to go to court with moral law. Only if the civil law breaks the moral law will it be of any affect.

On another note, I thought more about the failure and success thing. Some of it's part of the grieving process. Its just like when someone dies and you feel like you could have done more, then a false guilt and failure sets in sometimes. But it will lift in time...

Wallace:


Maybe this will boost your spirits and confidence again. Today I had a long talk with a friend who has a PhD in Psych and quite a bit of knowledge about personality disorders. I learned some valuable things from him today, that might help you as well.


Personality disorders are classes of disorders that frame a person's basic personality, and they are constructed (not inborn). They include: sociopath, paranoia, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and others. There are categories of disorders, based on certain characteristics that similar disorders share. Sociopath, narcisssist, and BPD are in the same category so they share many characteristics, but also have some that are distinct. A BPD has a theme of abandonment, a narcissist has a theme of personal importance, and the sociopath has a theme of being unable to empathize with others. All of them share the focus on themselves and to see events around them as being about them. (This is obviously an oversimplification).

People with "personality disorders" see things through a filter that is skewed, so their perspective is different than other people's. They affect (infect?) everyone with whom they have close relationships as a result of their skewed thinking.

The way they see the world defines the mindset with which they approach everything - and it is so much a part of what is normal to them that they are unable to see their problem (generally). In fact, they think other people's thinking is flawed, not theirs. They often succeed in getting other people to feel guilty, or take blame for what went wrong - when in fact the only thing that really went wrong was their OWN distorted thinking.

Their reality is skewed, yet familiar in many ways - like being in a house of mirrors where the images are familiar - yet distorted. This makes it hard for others to realize what is going on.

They can be extremely deceptive and subtle. And their disorder can escalate over time. So what may have been a mild tendency initially can become a full blown disorder over time. Usually these disorders will surface by the time people are in their late 20's to mid 30's.

People tend to see others the way they originally perceived them, and not necessarily see subtle changes that occur over time. So, if a person with a personality disorder gradually gets worse, the slow shifting of reality may be hard - or impossible - to detect by their spouses.

Even trained professionals often have difficulty diagnosing and recognizing personality disorders. Some subtle things can really only be diagnosed clinically and can be very elusive. In fact, the profession tries to shield new psychologists from people with personality disorders during their training because of this.

Here is the clincher - for me anyway. To NOT detect a personality disorder in a spouse or loved one is probably the norm. It is NOT a failure on the part of the other spouse for not being able to detect it. In fact my friend said he was very impressed that I was able to recognize what was happening.

I came away from the discussion no longer feeling like a failure. Yeah me!

Note to self: Stop hitting self over head. No longer necessary!

Note to self (and others): the future is not defined by the past. The past could be an anomoly - especially when dealing with people with distorted thinking.

Cheers everyone - enjoy the holiday weekend!

Hey y’all,
I’ve been on vacation, sorry I haven’t posted lately. I think I’ve read all the more recent posts now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]Petvet [/color] , to respond to you, yes, I do still have feelings for my H. I admit it. One cannot be married for 25 years, go through ALL the life experiences we did, and just turn off the feelings. It may take me years for these feelings to subside. They have lessened a little bit, but are definitely still here. I am not at the point where I count my blessings I’m not married to him (in that simple way) but I am counting other blessings. To me, it DOES matter that he’s dating, especially if she’s 22 years old. If this is correct, I feel I owe it to my kids to let them know so they won’t find out through some other way (including seeing them at the nearby store).
On another note, I know you are probably strongly feeling the gravity of the New Orleans situation, having gone there several times.

[color:"blue"] Leah [/color] - Great to hear from you. Please e-mail when you have a chance.

[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] - How many bathrooms are in your house? LOL You’ve been absent from MB for days! I know you’ll be glad when all the remodeling is done. I’ve been considering whether to get one of those “bath re-hab” places in for a quote. The bathroom I’m thinking of was built in 1941 and has the ugliest color of ceramic tile and a pretty sorry tub which I’d love to replace.

[color:"blue"]EC [/color] - I totally agree with you in this:


I’m glad you’re back posting on the boards. Your posts are always thoughtful.
[color:"blue"]
Deja Vu [/color] - It sounds like you had a very timely meeting with your friend. I imagine you already knew a lot of that (at least in your head), but it’s so reassuring to hear it from someone respected in the field - I hope this knowledge sinks deep into your heart so you truly don’t take on any more “failure” thinking.

[color:"blue"] Relady, Trusting [/color] , anyone else - Hope you're doing well! Post for us!

Yeah for you. Anywhere fun?


Are you sure? I do not believe I have any love left for my H anymore - and am unaware of having any positive feelings towards him at all. Maybe this isn't normal on my end!

How 'bout the rest of you? What have your experiences been? At what point do/did you turn off the feelings? Would any of you take your former (or STBX) spouses back?

Hi Avondale welcome back. I know you still feel love for your H and that's natural. The longer married the more time it takes to detach. While he may have somebody younger, it don't mean he's happy or she's better. Some younger women like older guys because some are just gold diggers. It's about financial security. A older guy or gal is flattered by younger attraction because for whatever reason, it validates that they still got it!

I know guys that married older women 15-20 years diff, 10 years go by, then oneday they wake up and want a DV, I say why? and they say because they thought they were in bed with there grandmother.

I know girls who left the older man because they are young and were ready to run the town while the man is trying to stay home, relax and retire. The man runs with the girl at first because he feels " Alive" energetic, makes him feel young again, maybe 22 (until reality sets in)then he with- draws when she starts going around the younger crowd and everybody's trying to figure out who's dad that is....

So don't worry if she's young or older. He'll never have someone like you, people don't realize they are a special cut to do a special purpose in life.

Hi all! I hope everyone is having a good holiday.

Wallace: I guess all of us are wounded souls when it comes to our past M. I try to view the past m as on the jb experience. I hate that my son has to be involve. Happy remodeling.

Avondale: I hope you had a good vacation. As far as you ex is concern, he is all out there. He is dating an innocent 22 year old. He must be going to through a serious mid life crisis.

DaJavu: Yes, when you are dealing with a D, you can expext anything. As I have said before, hold on for the roller coaster ride of your life.

Me: Buddy is from Louisiana, and her family owns quite a bit of property in New Orleans. Many folks from my parish are from Louisiana, and I know alot of folks from New Orleans. Many native New Orleanians are very sad and depressed to see their people suffer and the obvious disconnect and non caring from their federal government. The bitterness and utter distain for the federal government is very high. They know that they will never see the New Orleans of old. Regardless of who did not do this or that, no one in the US should have to wait four or five days in dispair to receive HELP.

Later.

Petvet,

So sorry to hear you have ties to people who are suffering in the south... it is such a devastatig thing. Makes many of our problems seem trivial. I totally agree that it is inexcusable to let people suffer like our government(s) have allowed.

Cheers to everyone else as this Labor Day weekend comes to an end. Back to work, back to school, back to life as we know it - and winter is just around the corner.

[color:"blue"]Petvet [/color] - I didn't know that visiting Buddy's family was the reason you went to N.O. last year! Aha, now the real reason comes out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> How did her family and their properties fare? Or is it too early to tell? My heart goes out to all those affected.

[color:"blue"]DejaVu [/color] - Don't remind me that winter is just around the corner! I have been reading the thread you have going on in the Divorced/Dating forum. It is very enlightening.

Boy this thread sure is quiet. Too quiet. So I'll shake it up a little bit with an annoucement:

I have met someone and I think I'm in love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

OK, so that is really not true at all, I was just getting your attention. Actually, I do have something to post. I know that [color:"blue"] Petvet [/color] and [color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] will probably be shocked to read it.

This entire time, of 3 years of separation and 8 months of divorce, I have worn my wedding and engagement rings. Mostly because I was making "a stand" for my marriage, and partially because I just couldn't bear to take them off, because of what that would mean. My rationalization was that just because one was divorced did NOT mean I HAD TO remove them. After all, they were jewelry, people wear rings on all fingers now, so it's not like I was breaking the law! But this weekend, after a lot of prayer, I have decided to remove them. To me, this does NOT mean I am giving up hope that someday my H will "see the light". However, after a week of struggle with the fact he's "dating" (living with, actually) a new OW, I think I need to face the fact that he has a whole other life. By the way, this OW is closer to his age than I thought, which in my mind makes it more serious (and less like a MLC). So I need to take a baby step in moving on, and taking off my rings is that step. My finger feels bare, and I have phantom pains of needing to twist the imaginary rings on my finger, LOL. I still remain steadfast in my faith and knowledge that God can do all things, including capturing H's heart, mind, and soul, but whether or not that is in His plan, I don't know. Comments, y'all?

lol avondale... you had me going there for a moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll let you in on a little secret of mine...

I got married about 6 months ago!!!




Not really... but I do wear a wedding band that she bought me, and my G/F wears a wedding band that I bought here about a year ago. In fact in another 4 weeks... we will have been dating for three years... and yes she is getting jumpy about me not getting married to her as of this date... she thinks I'll never get "M" again.

That's a big step avondale, taking off your wedding band. I know how that naked feeling on your finger feels... that's why I don't mind wearing the wedding band my G/F bought me.

It's also a positive move IMHO, that your moving forward like you are... which is a very difficult thing to do. You just don't wash away twenty plus years of "M", and the associated memory's associated with it... it's just not that easy. It takes time... "a lot of time", for most people... myself included.

So you got my attention!

My computer at home is still down, and yes... I'm still working on my Master bathroom, and one of the kid's bathrooms. I'm getting close to finishing, and then I am going to take a break for awhile on remodeling my house.

I'm doing all right, and I hope everyone is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Stopping in to say hi... I'm off soon for several days out of town. I'll check in when I get back.

Avondale - your finger will heal faster than your heart!

Wallace - what do the rings symbolize for you and your G/F?

Anyone else? Petvet - how's Buddy's family doing? Leah? We never did hear from you...

Ah well, fall comes, and everyone is pretty busy I guess.

Hi All,

Thought I would drop in and say hi.

Deja VU...

Concerning the wedding rings that myself and my G/F wear and does it symbolize anything?

I think it says that we are both commited to the relationship for the long term, and that we are not interested in seeking out any other relationships... in other words we are taken. Which by todays standards doesn't mean a whole lot anyway... but I think you get the idea.

EC...

I'm with you in conjunction with your post about not wanting to cripple another person in a relationship. I think I feel about the same way.

Hope everyone has a great day and a great week.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

OK - I'm back. Over the past 4 days, I got to spend 13+ hours in my own company with nothing but the road ahead of me to distract my thoughts. I did have a stack of CD's along - but found most of them pretty sad - remembrances of times long since gone. Finally I'm having regrets - I thought I was beyond all this.

Seems everything is stalled out - I'm getting nowhere fast. The D, refi on my house... slipping deeper into oblivion and nothing happening. My life is too complicated. I want to rest. I'm tired of the rat race. And I'm now finding myself wanting to make a total break with my current life. Find a job in another place - maybe even the other side of the country. Just leave and not look back. Untangle from all the commitments I have here, that are becoming too much to keep up with, with all the other stuff going on.

Part of the deal is I'm having some physical problems with my back, hip and one leg - I'm barely walking and am really scared about what is happening to me. The chiro is helping a bit - but this does NOT feel like the same old same old. How am I going to live alone if I can't even walk? It's bad enough trying to cope with this house alone when I have all my abilities intact.

Has anyone else had the urge to run away from home? Has anyone actually done it?

So... where is everyone else?

Hi all! It's been busy for my lately.

Avondale: You had me going for a while about your new love interest. All BS go through the issue of when to take off the ring. It's real personal, but once the ring comes off, alot of pressure and release goes with it. I will bet you that your former H will be with another woman soon so you better get use to him moving around from woman to woman.

Dejavu: Under the circumstances, you need a break from the rat race. It will be resolve soon, but no issues are created after the D, so it really does not go away because of the kids, but it is a different pressure of having to deal with your former H.

Wallace: How are you doing?

Me: Buddy's family owns quite a bit of property in New Orleans including a business where they stand to possibly lose thousands and thousands of dollars. The house where we stayed last July was reportedly in ten foot of water. Now, the water level has gone down to four foot. That house had just been renovated with nice wooden floors and top of the line appliances. GONE! I've just taken on a new accounting client which is taking quite a bit of my time until I can get things in order and get a system down. I have not forgotten about you guys.

Later.

No way! You have [color:"blue"]NOT [/color] met me yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry...I just could not resist.

Somewhere way back there Avondale posted something about still having feelings for her former spouse. And I have to agree with her. Even after being divorced for two years now there are times that some of the old memories and feelings creep back into my mind. But I do believe that there is a part of me that will always have some type of feelings for her. It would scare me to think that after 17 years of being married they all disappeared.

I wish I could find that article I read a few years ago about "Holes in your Soul" becaause it refered to people who described themselves as having "no feelings" for those who had hurt them and related it to those holes that needed to be healed.



EC

Is is good to see and read your posts again. You somehow always manage to put things into a prespective that makes it easy to understand. There were several things that you have written in the last few weeks (OK, months, I know I've been bad for staying away for so long) that really hit home.

Wallace

And I see that you are still working on those bathrooms! Remind me never to call you if I need abthroom redone. I'll end up with another [color:"purple"] Taj Mahal [/color] in my house.

It is good to hear that you and your girlfriend have agreed to hold off on the marriage and marriage talk for a few years. Is that still holding true? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

DejaVu



Have the urge? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> I will not even attempt to tell you the times that I've felt like just running away. And just recently my friend from New York felt the same way. He called late (early) one night (morning) having those same thoughts. He has had so much trouble in dealing with his former and his "parenting time" with the children that he too was ready to just throw the towel in. After several hours of conversation he was calm enough to get back to sleep.

I think we all have it at times but it is probably best to not follow through with those feelings. Hang in there and work on taking care of yourself and things are bound to get better.

And to everyone else:

I pray that each of you are doing well this year. I have dropped in and read but work and children have kept me pretty much tied up the last several months.

Hi all!

Trusting: It's interesting that you bring up the feelings for a former love. Every now and then, I think about when things were good between me and ex; most likely during dating and early part of marriage, or how things could have gone, BUT then I think about what she did to me, and my good feelings evaporate. I am not good at rebuilding burnt bridges.

Wallace: How long will it take you to complete your project "Contruction Guy"? I wish I was good mechanically.

Avondale: "EHarmony"!!!!!! What do you think about it?

Later.

[color:"blue"] Trusting [/color] - If I had known it would take some sort of major announcement on my part to get you to post, I would have done it a long time ago! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> You have a lot to contribute and should post more often!

[color:"blue"] ((Deja Vu)) [/color] - I’m sorry you’re having physical problems again. I know it is scarey thinking of being “alone” and having to deal with them. You don’t have kids - but what about other family and friends? Or are your friends more “mutual” with your H ?

I often think about moving to the beach (my little fantasy!) and starting over. I have even gone so far as to ask my CFP if it is do-able. Not yet, unfortunately. So I continue working...

[color:"blue"] Petvet [/color] - That’s too bad about Buddy’s family’s property. I hope they had insurance. And as for Eharmony, well....on the other Divorced/Dating forum, it was discussed pretty heavily. It seems the general consensus is that Eharmony is a rip off. I’m not that desperate (yet!). Like I said before, if I don’t ever get married again, that’s OK. I had a WONDERFUL marriage for over 23 years and it would be very difficult for someone else to meet that high of a standard.

[color:"blue"] Wallace [/color] - I think the “commitment” rings are nice. Since you kind of SPRUNG that on us, give more details <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Did you get down on one knee and make some sort of speech? Somewhere between setting the toilet seal and installing fixtures? Maybe you can have your honeymoon in the Taj Mahal bathroom?

[color:"blue"]EC [/color] - I agree, you should post more often. It has been good to read your posts on other boards, too. So what do YOU think about dating??

[color:"blue"] Leah [/color] - I know you lurk, even if you can’t post. Hope you’re doing well. Post when you can!

Hi everyone……

I haven’t posted much of late, sometimes I feel I’m talking much but saying little, anyway..........

Avondale: As far as the dating scene…I haven’t been on any dates. I’ve gone out to lunch with a female friend recently that’s about it, just a distant friend. So from that experience I knew I’m still too beat up for any relationship even though she’s just sister friend. I can’t do the big lunch or dinner things yet.

Hey isn’t Wallace a professional plumber? Surely this guy knows how to redo his bathroom! Maybe he’s really caught in pipe cage like Larry, Moe and Curly Joe when doing construction work, maybe pipes and water are everywhere.….ok, just joking having some fun, I’m sure Wallace is the best.

Ok, on another note: One thing I’ve come to remember that people must do in life is break ungodly soul ties. A soul tie is something connected to you through association that keeps you under its control and negative influence. There are good soul ties and bad soul ties. Good soul ties are kids, family, etc…good soul ties always connect you with people of influence that empower you to become all that you were created to be. It has no idolatry with it (Idolatry: exalting someone or something higher than the voice of true authority God placed in you). Idolatry is also to live the vision of another in which you are not empowered to become but are controlled to fulfill their selfish purpose and you’re never fulfilled and left empty and void.

In divorce, breaking soul ties is part of the virginity restoration process.

This is also one of the main struggles for a WS also is breaking free spiritually from an ungodly relationship. They draw back to it because they haven’t prayed and broken free. We as ex spouses must do the same. While the ex is/was your best friend and mate, then comes the time to break free from there emotional control. When couples are married they have a secret place only they know the path to where the place is and the place where they can be intimate, reconcile, talk and dream. What happens during the breaking of the soul ties in divorce is that the secret place is boarded up, shut and closed and the path is erased. When the work is completed that person no longer knows the way to your heart or feelings anymore. They become as a stranger approaching you, and do you give sex to strangers?

When couples have a spat and they draw people in the middle and it seems they are about to split, then all of sudden that couple draws back together in a supernatural way and it’s that secret place they have made together. When people divorce the secret place is one of the last things to close. The BS usually stands in the door somehow waiting for the WS to return to that place, sometimes it happens, sometimes it don’t. The WS moves on to find a new secret place, the only problem is that it’s a den, pit and trap only to find themselves naked and ashamed. The WS finds themselves breaking the soul tie as from a spider web and shackle; the BS breaks free as walking in the peace, freedom and liberty they have been granted.

Many times after divorce people find old school mates, some just happen to run into someone they totally forgotten about, and some had others on there mind for years during marriage (That’s old soul ties that were never broken).

Take Care...

EC... as always, you are the voice of wisdom. Your post made me wonder if my desire to "run away from home" and go start over someplace else is because I cannot find a way to break the soul ties and stay here at the same time.

Re: old friends - I have found myself checking the dates for my next HS reunion. Hmmmm - wonder what that means?

Hi DV....

It's natural to want to connect with your past HS buddies. In fact after moving back to my state I have seen several but it's all just a surface friendly hi and bye stuff...I'm in another place in life and trying to relive an era with them just don't fit.

Even when I moved 1,200 mi away the pain still followed me. So it's a healing process of time. A soul tie is not so much a distant thing in many cases because it's a inside job issue. Therefore it has no distant because the thing is attached to you where ever you go.

Yes, your environment can trigger certain emotions but thats natural after the ending of a relationship. New scenary does help. Moving does help, but when it's all said and done, life is what you make it no matter where you live.

This week I had to go to my old neighborhood I grew up in. I moved from that area when I got married and never associated with anyone in over 22 years. I remembered some painful moments and never wanted to return. But I had to go in that environment and face old friends, but I went like John the Baptist eating "Locust and Wild Honey".

Locust: I took the things that used to eat me up there and I took those painful experience's and they have become my food of wisdom and thoughts.

Wild Honey: I found the "sweetness" in the bitter and painful experiences that once emotionally stung me and subdued the wild passions of it.

**************************

Here's a thought for the (abused) " Never spend or waste your time trying to fix or repair a relationship from your past with someone who cares nothing about your present or future.