Leah2be
That is so good to hear! As Avondale said... God is GOOD!.

Avondale

Relationship front! *chuckles* As you know the former wife has threatened to go back to Court for additional money. In the midst of that I'm till trying to figure a way to get a very specific point across but it sure seems foolish whne dealing with an anrgy an irate woman.

Life with me

But on that note I did see an attorney yesterday. It turned out to be an enlightening meeting. After discussing the reason that my former wants more money she chuckled and said that in the state of Alabama circumstances, ie. dollar amounts, have to change by at least 10% before most attorneys will even file a CS Modification. In out case my $ definately has not changed by 10% as I've received no raise sonce the divorce.

In the former's case she has received a raise and failed to report her part time job when we originally filed for Divorce. In the Attorney's words Failure to disclose all sources of income is a contempt issue. In other words, if the former does file for a modification odds are that what she receives from me would actually decrease.

Several of the issues tht were mentioned during our meeting brought concern or raised concern for the welfare of our children. She was a very profesional lady but did say she has seen people come back with smalled issues than what we discussed and a custody changed was awarded.

She felt that with the issues we discussed that should I be served papers from the formers attorney to just provide her name as the repreenting attorney and she would handel it from there. Her "gut" was that with what we discussed would be more than enough for her to convience that a court battle or midification was not necessary.

She also "gleaned" that I'm not relly intrested in a huge, ugly drawn out custody battle but simply want whats best for the children. But should it come to that she feels that I have a HUGE chance in winning given the conservative nature of the Judge in the county the former resides in.

Remember our conversation?

The attorney's last words as I walked out of her office, " Have you told your former how you feel about her?"

I really need to quit hearing that from these people! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Avondale:
No I haven'tm read the book or know the concept, but now that you mentioned it, I went to B&N page and read about it.I see that the book helps you save your marriage, but mine can no longer be saved. I was the one trying hard everyday to save our marriage and he seemed indiferent to every attempt eventhough he messed up many times, but he had this wonderful capacity or call it "talent"of turning things against me and make me feel like I was to blame for HIS mistakes.

I believe that when the other part no longer wants,shows or gives any hope to save your marriage there's nothing you can do. Let me tell you what I did that let me know he no longer cared for me: After two days of being asked for the divorce; one night it came to my mind that if I "faked" to faint he would show his real feelings, it was 2 am and the only thing that came to mind was to prentend I was going to the bathroom and "pull" the covers slightly while falling and saying his name in a very low voice (gosh, I can't believe I did this!!!!), so I did and he got up and just looked at me from the edge of the bed and just called my name like three times, then after a puff, he "had" to get up and just tried to roll me over while calling my name in a very calm way,he then grabbed me from the side of my arms and slightly moved me, at that point I wanted to cry so hard because I had realized that he did not care at all, I pretended to be in shock and then opened my eyes like if I were dizzy, he asked me -you ok?- I said -yes, I think so- he then, put me back to bed and wnet back to sleep .. the man started snorring!!!!!!. How humiliating can that be???, yeah, both reactions where humiliating but I remembered how in the movies you would tell if the person cared for you by his reactions while the spouse was unconscious, so I did what I had to do, although I now laugh about it, it also hurts.

He is determined to finish this marriage and wants it to be over with by February, I guess he wants a birthday gift. He says it's because of the taxes but I know we can file seperate next year and that's it. I want to take my time and he does not respect that.

The way I see it is that if I make any attempt he will reject me in horrible ways, like he has at the beginning of the separation. He has becomed so cold hearted.

I guess it's not up to me anymore, it's all in Gods hand.

DejaVu:

Thanks for your words, I'm really trying to hang in there. But I also want to leave this behind, but he left me a message of "hope" when he asked me to watch the movie THE NOTEBOOK, It's ridiculous to have done this a week before our break up. If you want to come back don't treat your spouse like dirt and insult her with your teenager behaviour and make parties and tell her friends -I'M AFRAID I MIGHT FIND HER IN A NIGHT CLUB OR A JAZZ BAR, SHE MIGHT MAKE A SCENE IF SHE SEES ME-, my friend obviously told him "chill out Jigolo", you should know her better like to be hanging out in the same places as you and to be looking for a person in night clubs, she's better than that.

I mean the man is confussed and is using the words I used to use when we started having problems to convince him that we were good together and he would calm down and realize that it was no biggy, but I guess with his son coming to our life's and him not handling things to ease my responsabilities as a step mom and not knowing how to be a dad killed our relationship, of course like I mentioned before, he knew how to blame me for his mistakes and I let him.

He recognizes his mistakes but his last words always are: WELL, BUT SHE SAID GOODBYE TOO MANY TIMES.

Gee! How can you compete with such dumb arguement??!!

Hope
Everyone on this thread tried with everything in their power to save their marriages, and it didn't work for any of us. So you're in the right place with a great group of people, IMHO.

Regarding your previous "theatrical performance" and movie, "The Notebook": In some cases I think movies and books create unrealistic expectations. Take, for example, those romance novels - most of that is from the author's imaginations and when asked (I know one of them), they will tell you they've never personally had a relationship with the amount of sex, chemistry, etc. that their novels portray. They are writing what people (esp. women, who gravitate to the more emotional aspect) want to read.

This (above) may not apply to you personally but I think sometimes it's real easy for us to glamourize (or hyper-spiritualize) our relationships and compare to what we *think* is normal - but what we think is normal, really is not normal at all.

Well, he really did it for me last night. My best friend told him SHE NEEDS TIME, he got upset and told her I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S HOLDING ON TO, IT'S OVER, she looked at him and told him SHE IS NOT HOLDING ON TO YOU, BUDDY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?!!, SHE NO LONGER HAS ANY HOPES OF HER COMING BACK TO YOU, THAT'S THE LAST THING ON HER LIST OF PRIORITIES- he didn't say a single word, but then he told her that I had no criteria, that everybody had to tell me what to do and what I'm doing is only because my parents and family have told me what to do!! so she told him in a very calm way -SHE IS NOT AS STUPID AS YOU THINK SHE IS, DON'T UNDERSTIMATE HER, SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, BUT IF I WERE YOU I WOULD NOT THINK OF HER THAT WAY IF I WERE YOU- he one again did not say a word.

So, he called my best friend last night again, threatning that HE wanted to do things in a FRIENDLY way, that WE had agreed that we were going to do things right, but if I wanted to play dirty that I should then face the consequences. He hangs up and calls my friend again saying that he had spoken with his lawyer and that we were going to take this in court and that when the judge would ask about the house that he was going to TELL the judge that I was going to keep it and that I had to deal with it, that his lawyer and him were going to give me a week to sign those papers, otherwise we were going to court and that he was going to sue me, because since everything is half and half that I was going to pay half his taxes (the guy had to pay 10 thou in taxes last year). He really thinks I'm that dumb.

But just in case, I called my lawyer (I didn't want to take things this far) and a friend and she told me, he is just bluffing, he should not be saying these things. My friend will help me to pay the lawyer.

I loved this man so much, I can not believe we had to come this far. He is a monster, and he deserves no mercy from me. He is way to intellingent so I have decided to fight a bully with another bully ... MY LAWYER!!

He'll hear from me ... her today! and then we'll see if his lawyer is so tough to help him come out of this one clean. I have too much information against him, he has nothing against me!! yeiiiiiiiiiiii.

Well, not really happy, but I was forced to take this step. MB's knows I didn't want this for us or for me or for him.

Veronica.

The latest as of today is I have been approved for the new and improved surgery - that will be simpler for recovery and better for my long term ability to do things. Now, the insurance hurdle still has to be climbed as I can't afford to pay without insurance coverage.

Meanwhile, I couldn't wait to have surgery apparently, so last night I managed to get a trip to the ER in the middle of the night to sew up my forehead. I tripped and fell in the dark and gashed my head open. Kind of scary as I couldn't stop the bleeding and found myself not really prepared to cope with an emergency alone. Fortunately it worked out, as well as it could, and I'm home and alive!

Hi Everyone...

Relady - Glad to hear from you. Happy to see things are going great for you. You are always inspiring. Keep posting we need you.

Deja Vu - Sorry to here of your accident. Glad you are recovering.

Leah - Hurray! Happy outcome!

Petvet - I considered doing a book before, maybe one day, who knows?

Avondale - You gave some good advice on another thread about not giving up early. That seems to be the trend these days, giving up. Somehow people think divorce is the quick solution in workable cases. Many are following the illusion that they'll be happier if they divorced when in fact they never discovered what marriage is about. Sure, dv happens but the best thing a person could do is read, research material and make sure they're doing there part. I'm seeing a lot of wanting out because of visions are no longer united, no communication and grown apart.

Take Care.........

[color:"blue"] EC [/color] - Thanks for the kind words.

[color:"red"] EVERYONE [/color] - Please tell me what you think of this...I can't figure out what MY problem is with this situation:

Exhubby is not staying at his house (which is near mine and I pass it often). I imagine he's probably living with his new GF but not sure; he hasn't been there for several months now. This is not what bothers me.

What bothers me is that our daughter won't believe me when I tell her that he's not living there. I know she wants to believe the best in him, after all he's her dad. She realizes what he's done is wrong, she's hurt by his actions, etc. She sees him every week or two for a class (which allows them to talk without getting into anything personal or potentially hurtful) which I think is a good thing.

Why does it bother ME that she won't believe he's not living in that house? I have a feeling it's MY issue and I can't figure it out. Is it just that I want her to believe me more than him? It seems like a bigger deal than that. Any insight would be very welcome!

Avondale - Your D sounds so much like mine. My D to date lives in denial. My exww lived a double life, one in front of them and another in secret. My D refuses to think anything diff because it would shatter her childhood image of her mom, so she chooses to hold on to the old secure memory rather than accept the reality of what is actually happening. When they do see the truth, they dismiss it with another denial thought to secure the old memory, it becomes a cycle of denial to protect a safe memory of how it used to be.

One day they'll see everything and put 2 and 2 together. The focus then turns from which parent lied but who's still living the lie deceiving them as well. Thats the bigger injury.

I hear painful stories from kids these days of all ages saying that there dad was a playboy and that they always was forced to respect the tramp he paraded in front of them.

Anyway I think because you still love your ex and he was your best friend, you are still concerned, thats normal. You can't forget someone quickly after 20+ years together it takes time, besides, he's your neighbor. When your D gets curious enough, she'll search it out, remember, she's not a baby but a young lady now that knows guys behavior.


See ya!

Everlasting:

I think the same way as you. My marriage is one of those cases, where the exit was the easiest way. Of course he would some times tell me -You think I sometimes don't want to run out that door and never come back?, but I stay because I won't give up- and after 4 years and 5 months later he sure gave up too soon and all because he just didn't see a future for us and because he has said -If I have to do this 100 times I'll do it until I get it right-

That statement proves that people no longer know what love is all about. Problem is, how lucky can you get to find a person that believes that love can do it all and on top of that to actually have enough love from both sides to continue THRU GOOD AND BAD TIMES just as promised when you got married??!

Why do they forget?

Hi all!

Avondale: I think deep inside you are very bitter at your former, but you don't want to admit it. You want others to see how creepy he really is especially your kids. I would not worry about it because your D will find out the truth sooner or later. Let her find out on her own. If she does not find out anytime soon, just keep on keeping on. Conduct your life as though you could care less and move on.If your former wants to date ten young woman at a time, that's his right. If I were you I would not consider going back to him because he is chasing after younger woman. You don't need that in your life.

Hope: You may want to stop communicating with your H directly. You should go through an attorney. It just creates more stress than you already need.

Relady: I'm happy to hear that everythings OK in your life. How is the website?

Wallace: What the update on your GF? Is she still an item?

EC: What's going to be the title of your book? "Wandering Spouses from ******, The EC Prospective" or "Do You Drop Kick Them to the Curb or Just Kick Them by Dr. EC "The Lovebrainchild"

For those in the mest of Divorces proceedings, hang tough. Get what you deserve and need for your families.

Me: Life is good. Marriage? Hmmmmmmm. We'll see.

Later.

Hi Gang!

Just passing through....

Petvet - I think trying to title a book would be a hard thing to do...You got to have that catchy phrase and cover..

Me: I was watching Jay Leno lastnight and saw Terrence Howard on the show. Jay asked Terrence about a marriage restoration he experienced 1 month ago. He said he and his wife were previously married for 8 years, then divorced for 6 years until recently, at the beginning of the divorce she had a restraining order on him for 18 months, then last month after 6 years apart, they're at a gathering and she kisses him and they marry again 1 month ago.

Is that wild or what? Jay asked him, well who caused the breakup in the first place you or your wife?, Terrence said "life did", So here they are married all over again... I guess anything is possible when two hearts walk in forgiveness and see there own faults......

See Ya!

Hi All,

Deja Vu,

I'm so glad to hear the good report about insurance covering the new and improved surgery. That's great news! So is your surgery scheduled now? I'm sorry to hear about your late night visit to the ER. Hope you are all recovered from that. I'm praying for you.

Petvet,

It sounds as if you're getting closer to that big step... That will be some exciting news. It's great to see you moving on in life and happy once again.

You ask if the last court date was it. It actually was the one to establish temporary custody and support. I guess it's not finalized for another year. This divorce thing can sure be a long, drawn out process. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Relady,

I was so happy to see your post. Please stay in touch. We are always glad to have your encouraging, positive feedback. It sounds as if you're staying as busy as ever. I'm glad you're doing well. Thanks so much for your prayers.

Trusting Him,

How are all your children doing? Are they spending any more time with you or are you still following the old schedule? That was an interesting conversation that you had with your attorney. It sounds like you're in a good place with everything. God bless!

Wallace,

How are things going for you? Any new developments with your G/F? Are you okay with things? How about your bathrooms? Are you almost done? Thanks for your encouragement to stay strong through this process.

I'm finding that is an ongoing requirement thru this mess. H is still pushing the boundaries. I'm trying to find the balance between being reasonable and being a push-over. He continually ask for more time with the girls and wants to rearrange the schedule. I'm so use to giving in to him, so I really am asking God for wisdom with this whole situation.

E.C.

Writing a book would be quite the accomplishment. I've been told I ought to do that to with all that's transpired in my life. People have commented my life would make for a great movie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I'm hoping to have a little less drama from this point on... I've been writing to some on the thread that I have e-mail addresses for. I'd be glad to include you if you want to give me your address. There have been some on-going things that I haven't wanted to publically discuss. But again, I'm hoping that the worse of that is behind me.

Avondale,

How are you my friend? I totally understand the feelings you have in regard to your D's disbelief of the situation. It would bug me to. I find myself feeling the same way with my daughters in regard to their dad's behavior. You want to hear validation from them about truth but I'm learning it's just too difficult for them to express anything negative re: their dad. They would view it as being disloyal even though it might be the truth. So I try to accept that there are certain things they are never going to acknowledge even though they know the truth on some level. It's too painful for them to go there.

HopeTexas,

I'm sorry if I'm messing up your name. I don't dare go back as I would probably lose all I've written. I've done that a time or two. I understand much of what you're feeling. It's so very painful to experience the rejection of someone you thought would love you forever. Just know you are very loved by God and that you are very special to Him. Things will get better. Keep looking up and posting here. We've all been there and can totally relate to where you are. Take care.

Me,

I think I'm just starting to realize there could be a new beginning for me. I was so overwhelmed the past five months, I couldn't go further in my thoughts than the present. It was just survival. Now, the bars are starting to lift... I still have much to learn but I'm not living with constant rejection and fear.

As I wrote WALLACE, I am trying to find the right balance in things. I want to be kind yet wise. H is SO ANGRY right now. I'm trying to learn to turn a deaf ear to all his hurtful,accusing words. He still wants to make it all my fault. Maybe someday, he'll see things differently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Meanwhile, I must let go.... and be strong.

Thanks for the encouragement to continue to show "Tough Love". I think that is exactly where I need to continue to be. H wants me to make an out of court offer but I'm still in the dark financially. I think I've pretty much decided, I'm going to wait for the financial disclosures to be finished, then make some type of intelligent offer based on knowledge rather than nothing. Does that sound good?

Question about vacation and shared time,

To those who have ex- spouses involved in their childrens life, how do you divide holidays? The judge said that we could work that out. I was thinking of taking the number of days they were out of school and splitting them 50/50. But H is not agreeable to this. Any suggestions?

Hope you all have a great weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually that's not a done deal yet - the surgeon is more optimistic than I am, but it still remains to be approved. I'm x-ing my fingers...

Thank you Leah2be, I appreciate your words. God has showed me in so many ways that he is with me. I need to believe what I read not long ago: "No matter how deep burried love is; or how desperate the scenario is, nor how big the mistake, or how tangled the problem is. If you can love you will be the most powerfull and happy human being in the world" - (Metaphysics 4 in 1 book)

Everytime I open this book it tells me something to ease my pain, it's like it talks to me. And all it's about is about how to work the power within us, it's about KHARMA.

I once had my palm read to me and the lady told me I was going to marry twice, but she also described my first husband and it was so precise and exact that it now scares me, so when I met my husband I thought THE LADY IS CRAZY, THIS IS JUST LIFE, but I started believing in it little by little as problems arose, and I even told my husband SOME DAY YOU'LL LEAVE ME and he would hug me and tell me NEVER, UNLESS YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME-

I now think that I brought this upon myself, if I would've believed and forgotten about so much crap. So now I must trust in God and think in positive things and stop thinking about what could go wrong and if I don't deserve something I DO want, I want it and I will ask God for all good things.

I will ask and god shall give.

I feel violated. I'm so screaming mad - I can't even put in print the things I've been thinking these past couple of days.

We had another dog show this past weekend and I was very pleased that H had not entered. Finally I'd get some peace. But no. He showed up both days to "watch" (something that rarely happens - everyone was saying that it was really odd and manipulative that he did this). On Saturday he set himself up in conspicuous spots so that I couldn't even go to the bathroom without passing him, and made a point to sit right behind the scoring table where I was working. It looked to me like he was scoping out my new computer equipment (for devious purposes - more on this later). Then he left for a little while and returned with his new GF and her daughter. They hung out ALL day. It was SO in my face. Other people were uncomfortable about it too.

Then if that wasn't bad enough, they were back - all 3 of them - again on Sunday. This time they sat on the floor at the ring exit - within 2 feet of where the dogs exited. I'm sure he didn't know I wasn't running my own dog and intended to be in my face when I finished my run. Instead I had a junior handler showing my dog - and H managed to block their exit from the ring and make a big show of greeting my dog. I was steaming mad!

He has lied to people in this community, telling people we are divorced when the papers still aren't filed.

He is also trying to force me to incur high legal bills and is still trying to keep me from getting half the house equity. My lawyers tell me he can do any manipulative thing he wants and there is nothing in the laws to prevent him from making all kinds of frivilous arguments and stalling this as long as he wishes.

He is demanding that I "disclose" all kinds of personal information that has nothing to do with the real estate claim (which is the only point of contention that I know of.) But now I'm wondering what else he is planning to pull. He pretends he is dumb and incompetent but I now believe my attorney that the whole thing has been a con from day one. He married me for my money and intends to leave with it as well. If I stand up for my rights he's going to do everything in his power to screw me over. I can't even move forward on my surgery until this is resolved because of the financial implications. So, I limp and will continue to barely be able to walk - much less take care of this house - while he plays God.

The envelope from my lawyer that contains the disclosure request is an inch thick. It came Saturday and I have not opened it.

I already know he is asking for documents HE has in his possession and I can't produce. So, he'll say he doesn't have them either - and therefore I can't prove what was spent on the house. Of course I left the records for the house WITH the house, thinking that was the right thing to do.

Meanwhile - attorney fees are mounting. It's either that or give up a large amount of equity. Which H is trying to force me to do - with his lies and deceit, and borderline stalking behavior, I feel SO trapped. I am SO SO ready to give up. I don't even want to go on with this life anymore. I see no point to any of it anymore. I wish he was DEAD. I wish something awful would happen to him. I wish the people in this community who are my friends and who are appalled at his behavior would stand up and do something about it - ostracize him so he can't continue moving about at my expense and demanding his "rights" to do as he pleases no matter the cost to anyone else.

And I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this 24/7 hip pain - and the growing resentment that it is HIS fault that I have to live in this pain for God knows how much longer. I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE.

Hi Everyone...

Deja Vu - I'm sure that must have been tough. More than anything you're still able to see a new day and experience greater blessings. One of the sad things that happen during DV is one partner tries to bankrupt the other, whether trying to take more than there share or by stalling with loophole schemes, driving the other parties attorney fees up so that they have nothing in the end. Hang in there, all is not lost.

Leah - Glad everything is looking up for you.

Hello - Avondale, Wallace, Petvet, TrustH, Relady, Hopetexas, Newcomers, Old times and anyone else I missed.

[color:"red"] (( [/color] [color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] [color:"orange"] ))
[/color] That sounds pretty rotten of your H for acting that way. He's trying to shake you up, and it sounds like he's succeeding! Please don't let his behavior get under your skin any more than it already has. I know that's easier said than done. As for the house receipts - are any of them on records such as credit card receipts, equity loan, or LOCs, etc. that you could get past copies from the banking institution? That might be an option.

I'm so sorry you're having so much physical pain on top of the emotional pain that we've all experienced. What do you know about his GF? Maybe you should tell her you're still married - perhaps that would force him to show proof of the divorce to her, and since he can't do that, maybe he'll give up some of his stall tactics. Keep posting and vent here. We all understand.

Deja Vu,

I am so sorry for both the emotional and physical pain in your life. You really are being hit with a double whammy. I am praying for you. Look to God and He will give you the strength you need to get through this.

I wish there was a way for you to get the surgery done soon, so at least you wouldn't be in physical pain. I'm sure that is going to make all of life seem better. It's very hard to have any type of positive outlook when you're in so much pain. I almost wonder if it's worth the potential financial loss. I would be willing to pay a lot of money to not be in pain and to be on the road to recovery.

I'm wishing the best for you. Hang in there and feel free to call if you need a listening ear. A big hug to you.

Hi To Everyone,

You all have been pretty quiet. I hope everyone is doing okay. Things here seem to be settling down somewhat. My H was SO VERY angry but seems to be doing better about accepting things. We've been communicating via e-mail which helps cut down the potential negativity. I do hope we get to the point where we can work together and have as decent a relationship as possible. Right now, emotions are just too high.

Hope you all have a happy weekend!

[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] - I agree with Leah. If you were able to remove the physical pain, it would be a lot easier to have a positive outlook about everything else (or at least make it easier to deal with). I know you said that was a somewhat long process (getting approval for surgery, etc.). How is that working out? I hope this week has been better for you.

[color:"blue"] Wallace, Petvet, Trusting, Relady [/color] - Where have y'all been hiding? If you don't post we're going to start guessing and will make outrageous statements about what's going on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] EC [/color] - It's good to see you posting on other threads. You have lots of encouragement and wisdom to share!

Not good. Today I got a letter from the insurance company rejecting my claim. I can appeal it. Or I can have the surgery they want me to have, that will end my chances to return to my former activities.

Having a very hard time seeing anything positive in this, and an equally hard time believing God is anywhere in this picture at all. One of these days I'll have to open the stuff from my attorney and deal with all my H's threats and demands too... still waiting for all this strength I'm supposed to be getting to deal with it all. NOT!