Mis Betsey,

Just an FYI, be very careful. The man I am married to also had his first wife cheat on him, they were married almost ten yrs and the cheating was an exit affair. I met him a yr after this and thought he was so nice and his wife must be so mean so on so on. Well, it was a good act for the first few yrs, maybe he was even trying to do better on this marriage- or maybe he was just looking to have someone help take care of his two small kids and didn't want to take on the burden of helping raise stepkids, and therefore, got with me, a single woman with no kids. WE have since had our own child but still, he has never had to be a stepdad. I love my stepkids don't get me wrong, however, I have never been able to do enough in my husbands' eyes, it is like they are manily my responsibility as far as he was concerned. HE always tried to make me feel guilty.

Anyway, it turns out that every single thing my husbands ex said about him is absolutely correct. Unfortuanately I am ill and can't even work for the last 4 yrs so I have no leverage here. When I got sick is when the real him really really appeared. Now my husbands ex is not a stable person. She was totally dependent on him financially too because she is too nuts ( she has a not well controlled eating disorder) to be able to hold a job. I think this is why she had an affair, going to another man was really the only way she could have left. However, between me seeing that she was "off" and knowing that she had an affair I of course believed my poor husband got the shaft- not so!

HE has curbed the verbal abuse simply I think because he knows I will live in a tent before living in that situation any longer. However, the biggest problem is he is the most selfish, stubborn human being I have ever seen. And neglectful beyond what I could have ever imaginined. Top it off with totally undependable and there you have my husband. Oh, he is very dependable about going to work, but something that involves me or the kid- forget it. Let me tell you a typical conversation just so you can see how difficult it is to communicate with this person. I usually pick up and take the sitter because he says she doesn't know him well enough for him to drive her- she had babysat 3 times at this point. I sometimes have trouble driving at night especially due to my health problems. I asked if he could take the sitter home because I didn't feel it safe forr me to drive. Normally, in this case he would insist that we both go meaning we have to take the baby out in th cold with us. I said why don't you take the sitter home and I'll stay home with the baby so he doesn't have to go out in the cold. He said, why don't you take the sitter home and I'll stay with the baby. I said I am not up to driving. Well we'll both take her home. I said I don't understand , why can't you ever take the siterr home or pick her up? He said, well I was planning on taking her home tonight until you asked me. If you just hadn't asked me I would have taken her home. So it was my fault, once again.
Huh? Is he trying to make me crazy? How could I have done the right thing in this situation? This is how I live every single day of my life!

Be careful, if he admitted to you he wasn't a good husband or father, he wasn't. What reason do you have to believe he will be any different with you besides him saying that things will be different. I will tell you, I used to never understand why my husband's x was so mad at him , well now I do, she put up with the put downs and negect for almost ten years. I know most on this board will give me a hard time for this probably but I think she , in all of her craziness, was a better spouse. He is so neglectful it is worse than being married to nobody. At least if your not married you could have a boyfriend or friends who might help you out a little. I am between a rock and a hard place. My husband won't help me with anything, but if I asked someone, for example if I was feeling bad and asked my next door neighbor to help carry in the groceries for me my husband would be furious. It would make him look bad. And yet, would he help mecarry in the groceries, the answer nine times out of ten is NO. IT used to be ten times out of ten but he is coming around a little here.

In fact when I first got sick, I had to quit my job which was really sad for me. I had a carload of books that I had to bring home from school. I asked can you carry these cartons of books into the garage? HE said No, no explantation just No. Didn't matter how much I pleaded etc etc No can't help you. I carried them into the garage one by one little by little over a period of several weeks. To tell you what kind of shape I was in when this was going on , about a month after quitting my job I got to the point where I needed a walker to get around. I had the walker for 4 months. This is just one of so many incidents like it way too many to count. Try convincing yourself that someone loves you when they have seen you this sick and absolutely refused to help you in any way. Thhis includes financially. At this time, I found out that my husband who ws making 70,000$ per year was going to give me 400$ per mothn to "run the household". Well it cost about 250 for diapers and formula- and thats the walmart brands. Couldn' breastfeed due to meds because of illness. Therefore I had 150$ left to feed a family of five, my two stepkids are with us half the time. Also, buy lightbulbs, gas, pay soccer fees for stepkid, etc etc- is this doable, no I am here to tell you it is not. All the while my husband is constatnly on my case about not buying him steaks at the grocery store. And I am with a new baby, sick and therefore not really ble to speak up for myself. Within the first year of having the babe my husband took a motorcyle trip and a trip to aruba, but could not afford to "help me out with the baby- don't have any money- sorry". This was my first experience ever of being dependenden finacnially on a man and I pray for the day I can support myself again. I didn't realize how much c* you have to eat when you stay home. It is in my son's best interets ot have me home I know but I bet this is why so many women ar relucatant togive up thier jobs. In fact, several of my firends have told me that while they were a home they felt they really got stepped on and taken advantage of alot. I certainly have been.

He has gotten better now, mainly because my health is improing and I think he fears some day I will be in a possition to leave. I also noticed it got a lot better after I told him I would go live at my mothers if I had no other choice. But, this is not what I want for my precious little boy. I wnt my boy to have a family. My husband is actually pretty good with him now, as far as plaing with him goes.

I am sorry for this long post. This stuff bthers me so much it wakes me from a dead sleep. I always wonder are there really men who love and care about there wives out there? I hope so. But, it just seems impossible that there would be. This is my second marriage, my first husband was very very abusive, I was only married 2 years. I thought I was being so carefule this time when I picked my husband. I know he would have a hard time if we ever were to seperate, however, I feel in general most men are only willing to try AFTER the marriage is over. I am sorry to be so gender biase but from what I see around me that is the way it goes. As it turns out, once the wife has gone most of them like to boo hoo and cry about how hard they tried and their wife left anyway. However, if you dig deep enough you will almost always find out that the trying hard part did not come until after they had behaved like complete rats for years on end and were suddenly struck by the realites of child support

jeni

Jeni,

Sorry you are so bitter. I am a man who cares deeply for his wife and other people around me. I consider myself of very high moral character. I do not lie, cheat, manipulate, or complain. I have been fighting for my marriage with a person whom has and continues to lie, cheat, manipulate, and deceive. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. My tragic flaw is my verbal assaults when I am angry. Let me give a scenario..I come home from work, and my STBXW is sullen and not talking, generally in a bad mood. I ask "What is wrong honey?" No response.. THis continues off and on for hours, until I finally explode with "What in the #@$%*& hell is the #$$#% matter with you!" Then I get my answer, my shoes were outside of my closet in the bedroom. Hmmm.. which is more abusive? My wife's or my actions? I would venture to say my W's due to the calculated, intentional manipulation, in other words, she is trying to pull my string and she does. I cannot control what she does, but I can control my actions. I now strive to be a better person and rise above her to lead by example. Marriage is not about finding the right person, but being the right person!! Give your mate a different set of circumstances, and you'll be surprised how he will come around.