Suffering from a combination of jet-lag and emotional exhaustion, we arrived home last night around 9 PM.<P>We arrived in Dallas around 11 AM yesterday and took a cab to the attorney's office. We met in the restaurant across the street and had lunch together.<P>The attorney is young, idealistic, determined, passionate, brilliant (Master degree, several law degrees from two universities) and logical and pragmatic. He has not yet been corrupted by the system and I doubt he will become that way because of his core beliefs, deep convictions and his faith in God. My first impression of him was excellent. I am impressed with him and his overall dedication to the cause. He will set a precedent...I truly believe in him and his ability to see this through. He will make a difference, I am convinced.<P>I told a friend this morning he is kind of like a combination of JFK Jr and Richie Cunningham...smart, polished, highly intelligent and a real champion of the truth but with an innocence and sweetness...but, don't let that lull you into a false sense that he is a push-over, because I beleive under the facade of innocence, there lies a barracuda determined to ferret out the real predator and deliver justice to the real victim.<P>His deep convictions of right and wrong will set the stage for this lawsuit. He will bring the obvious duplicity of the OW into the glaring spotlight. He is armed now with the history and the evidence proving this woman had every intention to seduce, manipulate and railroad my husband into enabling her to extort income shares from him for herself for 20 years. He will prove intent and that this was planned.<P>My husband admits everything he did and his part in this fiasco and openly detailed the events as they occurred without excuses or blame. Just the facts.<P>The OW will be served papers alerting her to the fact we are suing her for Personal Injury sometime mid-October.<P>The fur will fly, Kids. I will keep you informed of the events as they happen.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 24, 2000).]

Welcome back, Catnip! Ohhhhhh...so glad everything went well. Ohhh Wheeewwww!!! OW is gonna have the sail knocked right out of her!! Good! She deserves it! You go, girl! Keep us posted.<P>Comfort

Well alright!!!!! Sounds like a great start and I am so happy things went so well!!! Please keep us updated especially when she gets served!!!! She is going to regret ever messing with Catnip

Catnip,<BR> I am so proud of you!!!! JFK and Richie Cunningham huh, that's quite a picture!! Sorry to hear you are tired, but am glad that this wench will be served soon, and I hope she realizes that she brought it all on herself. She may have them eating out of her hands up there, but when she realizes that she has to pay the piper, I wish I could be a fly on the wall, just to see the reaction. Get some rest, and hopefully we will talk soon.

Catnip,<P>Welcome back. I wish I could be there with a camera to see her reaction. Too bad they don't deliver like they do the sweepstakes, then we could watch it live! I would serve the popcorn. I am sure she is going to be regretting ever taking the steps that she has. I am sure she has no idea, and thinks that she has played the system to her advantage, welcome to America. Keep us informed. <P>babstr.

yeah catnip!! you go girl! you are my hero. i hope she will now know what it feels like. she is gonna get a taste of her own medicine and i don't think she is gonna like it. lol. good luck and get some rest!<P>happy_girl

<P>Way to go, Catnip!!

Babstr: You crack me up...interesting picture you put in my head...a van pulls up to OW's house with a film crew to record her reaction of being served in a lawsuit as first OW since the repeal of the AOA laws to be brought up on charges from a Betrayed Spouse. Instead of an oversizes check, she receives an oversized summons. Hahahaha. It couldn't happen to a nicer gal.<P>So. Why am I not happy about this?<P>I've been weepy all evening. But, then, I've had to relive hisory, a painful history of the events of two years ago for the past three days. I know it's temporary and I know I'll shake it, but to have to read all the stuff I wrote back then is profoundly sad. The grief was of such magnitude, I actually had physical reactions to my pain. <P>I remember the surge of panic as I read her name for the first time on the back of my husband's business card when I picked him up from the airport after his first weekend with her in NY. He was so drunk. He got in my car and snarled at me not to look in his wallet as he threw his jacket in my car with his wallet sticking out of the pocket while he went to the curb to retrieve his bag.<P>Hey. That's all it took. Don't tell me not to look, because that's exactly what I will do.<P>Out fell the card. I read the name, address and phone number. I remember the cold-hot prickles that ran up my chest, neck and into my face and through my head as I sat there instantly memorizing the entire information on the card. And I knew it had something to do with the woman he had met the weekend before in Dallas.<P>We drove back to the house in the most insane 10 minute trip I had ever been on. I can't tell you what the conversation was like because it was so insane, and the things said were so shocking.<P>When we got home that night, he began to scream and cry that he had just ruined the best thing that ever happened to him (apparently he meant me and our marriage) and proceeded to rip the closet door off its hinges, put a shotgun under his chin and said he was going to blow his head off and then passed out on the bedroom floor.<P>The next morning, he was avoiding me and was cold and rejecting. That night he went to a hotel to be alone and to call her. He spent a couple hours on the phone with her. He did come home the next day but it was clear he didn't want to be there. We lived seperately for a couple weeks in our house together, we worked together every day throughout the entire six week fling. It was a horrible time of confusion and fear.<P>Everything happened so fast. <P>The first week after his weekend, I called OW. I was crying and begging her, pleading with her not to see him again. I explained to her he was mentally ill and an alcoholic and told her how much I loved him and how much I wanted to save our marriage.<P>She knew, and she didn't care. She knew from the first week, yet she continued. I humbled myself and pleaded with her to help me on this, to back off and let me save my marriage. She didn't know him well enough to be in love or want him that badly because they had only really just met...there was no connection yet. There was time to get out of it without any lasting damage, yet, she continued, knowing full well that her actions would destroy an incredible mariage of 18 years, hurt an entire family, yet, she didn't care.<P>Her callousness and heartlessness and complete selfishness will be what will indict her.<P>She told me that I was just "jealous and I was driving my husband away with my revenge". I didn't know how to answer such a ridiculous accusation...it was so far off the mark. Here I was approaching her with my heart wide open, my vulnerability...I was gutting myself, to have her comeback with nah-nah-nah-nah-nah...my depth and openess was met with high school mindset and banter.<P>It was ludicrous, laughable if it weren't so tragic.<P>The second phone call was after the second weekend. I spoke to her Mother who was clearly disturb by all this, didn't know what to say and she was obviously scared out of her wits that her daughter was delibereately whoring around with a married man, who's confused and heartbroken wife is calling their home, begging for assitance, explaining how sick her husband is. I finally got ahold of OW who told me if I called her again, she'd kick my [censored] and to stop harassing her. I managed to say something about that she was harassing ME by going ahead with my husband knowing what she knows. She didn't care. She was treating me as if I was nothing; something to be dismissed and discarded as if I were nothing more than a casual girlfriend my husband dated for a couple weeks. Her shallow vapidness and obtuseness completely ignored our history; she had no idea of what we were like and waht our marriage had been. My husband said, "If she knew what we were like, and what we had, she never would have tried so hard to get me."<P>Their second weekend together sent me into a blind rage when I found out he was in NY with her again. I found his brand new Suburban in the health club parking lot. I had a key made for it, went through everything in the vehicle searching for evidence of any kind. When I got in my truck to leave, a strange sensation -impulse came over me, and suddenly when I pulled back my truck, I jerked it into drive and floored it, smashing into the side of his new Suburban. In fact, I backed up, and hit his car again.<P>When he returned from his second weekend, I marched in his office and announced "I hurt your car. I smashed my truck into your truck," almost daring him to challenge me. All he said was "I don't blame you."<P>Looking back, I am absolutely stunned at the OW's complete callousness and her determination to have my husband at any cost. She had a plan and I was in the way. The only way this pathetic woman could feel good about herself for two minutes was to have the illusion that she was woman enough to take another woman's husband away from her. <P>Because of her long stretch of unemployment, and because my husband looked like a big shot with money, her plan, her intent was to<BR>deliberately get pregnant as quickly as possible to insure a couple decades of income shares. She didn't care if it hurt me or destroyed me, our finances, our family, our marriage. She didn't care and launched an aggressive campaign to take my husband.<P>She was upset and disappointed that she did not know my husband was staying in a hotel the first night she met him until the next day, because she would have slept with him that first night, knowing he was married. She scolded him for not telling her that he was in a hotel.<P>The first weekend they were together in NY, somehow she took his boarding pass ticket stubs because copies of them were used as evidence against him in the paternity hearing before the DNA results were revealed. <BR>The irony about this, is that now this copy of the boarding pass stub will be used against her as evidence that she planned to try to frame him that first weekend they were together...otherwise, why would she take them? My husband doesn't remember them sitting out or her taking them. In fact, he was stunned to see that she had them, and used them as evidence against him.<P>It sure wasn't for any other reason than she would want proof that they were together if she would be "lucky" enough to have gotten knocked up that first weekend.<P>Their second weekend was weird, too. My husband says he was surprised when she carted an EPT test into the bathroom on the second day of their weekend. He thoguht she was playing games but in his alcoholic haze, he dismissed it and forgot about it until later. Looking back, it is obvious that this was her not so subtle plan. And he was an idiot. A mindless, reckless idiot who gave not a moments thought to consequences...didn't think it could happen. How outrageously stupid.<P>Thanksgiving weekend she hit the jackpot. Their third weekend together and she manages to get what she wanted.<P>My husband talked about how she was insistant that he fly down to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with her and her sister's family. The Wednesday before he left, he followed me out into the parking lot. He was very emotional and told me how much he cared for me. I remember standing there with my nose in the air pretending to be cavalier and indifferent. I told him he didn't need to care about me, that I was like a cat, I always land on my feet.<BR>Looking back, I should have asked him to stay with me over Thanksgiving, but my pride got in the way, and I would have been devastated if he would have refused or rejected me, so I didn't ask him to stay. Had I asked him to stay, maybe he would have, and this never would have happened. <BR>I can go a step further by saying if I would have gone to that party, they never would have ever gotten together to begin with. I didn't go to the party because he had said some terrible things to me...I was going to show him. He showed me instead.<P>For those two acts of pride, I lost-everything important to me. An evil dangerous situation was put into motion. I hate myself for being so stupid. And I hate her for being so blackhearted and causing so much indescribable pain. And I hate him for being sick and weak and forgetting about me and what we had and his willingness to throw it all away. I hate the fact that what they did was the most profoundly intimate thing two people can do...conceiving a child together. Something I will never be able to do with my own husband, yet, a meaningless stranger with no integrity, no dignity, no heart, no nothing, can just bulldoze herself, intrude herself into my life, change it forever, call all the shots and make my life a living hell...all because of what she wanted.<P>It was always a secret tragedy for me not to be able to have my husband's child, something I privately grieved and mourned our entire marriage because I was so deeply in love with my husband. It had always been such a longing for me to have our own child. This is why it is so particularly devastating to me, I suppose. And the fact that she used this knowledge in her Order for Protection against me is truly callous and heartless as well.<P>In the phony OFP she stated that she fears for her safety because I cannot have my husband's child and she fears that I will take her child; that I said that I would take her child from her "by force", if necessary. I never said that, Kids. I never would. Like I've said before, I would rather eat ground glass and wash it down with gasoline before I would take in that child. I couldn't stand the pain...I just know there is no way I could welcome it into my home, much less my heart.<P>I know there are those of you who do, and who can. I say, 'good for you'. It is the wise person who knows their limitations.<P>I'll probably go back and edit all this tomorrow when I reread everything I wrote...it is probably not something I should be writing about right now, but for some reason, I feel compelled to do so.<P>Thanks for listening, and thanks for all your support and for standing behind me on this.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 24, 2000).]

oh catnip, i am so sorry you had to relive all those moments again. my prayers and thoughts are with you. you are such a wonderful person here on the forum. you always give such straight forward heartfelt advice. i know we all appreciate you, your presence here is an inspiration to us all. you have been thru it all and back again and yet you are still here. still with your husband, honoring your vows. i know for me, you have given me advice and been there when i needed a friend. you are a special person.<P>i hope that you are doing okay. you can get thru this. this OW is a conniving b%^&$ and a disgrace to women. i hope you can get back a little of what she has done to you. take care and keep your head up. and thanks for what you do here for all of us.<P>love,<P>happy_girl

Catnip,<BR>I know how painful it must have been to relive every detail of this nightmare. All the old feelings came back to the surface. You clearly seeing this witch's manipulation all over again. I am sincerely sorry you had to relive this Catnip but hold on cause by the grace of God this wretch will get back all she put out, all this evilness is coming back to bite her on her big fat [censored]!!!!

Catnip,<P>I couldn't agree more with LeeLee's last sentence! The OW is a skanky, conniving, heartless tramp and I hope you stick it to her [censored] good! I read your entire post and just kept nodding to myself as I read. Especially the part about your feelings about the OC. That's exactly how I feel about my H OC. My H and I share a child together (almost 11) and I have one from a previous relationship (almost 18). I can't imagine the pain you must feel because you weren't able to have your H child and that skank was. I'm so very sorry. You reflect my feelings 110% when you say that you could not welcome that OC into your home, let alone your heart. I, too, feel the same way. She is just a constant reminder of, like you said, the intimate act that my H and OW share...sex and the conception of a child. I know my limitations. I hope that by writing all this again, it has someway helped to continue your healing. many times we have to go over and over and over the same things again...that's how it is for me. Although repetitive, it does help to "heal" and bring much relieves closure. You're in my prayers and thoughts. Stay strong and I wish you and your H continued peace and happiness in your marriage. And I hope that skanky B*#%$ gets whats coming to her. What goes around, comes around!<P><BR>Comfort

Catnip,<BR> I was afraid that having to relive all of this would get you down, but just remember, you are on the right side. You are fighting to right a wrong done to you. This woman and her little plan have stolen from you so many things that it is so hard to get back. We are all here for you. Once this is all over with, and she's been handed her a** by the courts, you can let this go, and go back to healing fully. Love you Catnip, and take care.

Dear Catnip,<P>It seems that women in our situation seem always destined to have the best of news and the worst of news at the same time. I am so sorry that at a time when you should be celebrating a major victory for your marriage you also had to relive detail by detail the horrible and humiliating acts that brought your life to this point.<P>As much as we love our husbands, it is so hard to keep the anger in check. These men were treated like kings in their home by us -- loving wives who would do anything for them. And yet, they sought out the worst type of two-faced, malicious women who cared nothing for them and willfully set out to destroy their lives and families.<P>Like you, my H got the OW pregnant at a time when I was in therapy for infertility. I know exactly how you feel. To this day, I remember the feelings of hopelessness and rage over the ultimate intimacy my H had shared with a near stranger.<P>I know that you know these feelings are temporary. Cling to the good that has come out of your trip and know in your heart that your day has finally come. <P>We are all praying for you and rooting for you. Right now take care of you, don't let yourself fall back into that pit of despair. You made it out once before. Let those feelings sink back into that pit and you keep walking proud and strong.<P>- Heavenly

Hi Catnip, <BR> I just had to say hello and welcome back. I do so hope and pray that your attorney is able to accomplish all he plans re: OW and her terrible treatment of you and disrespect for your marriage. As I have mentioned, I am searching for an attorney in my state (Indiana) with the same convictions as the attorney your found in Dallas, however I have found that there aren't very many around with the kinds of principles your attorney seems to possess-a sad but true commentary on those who are supposed to be dedicated to truth and justice, isn't it? Anyway.......I'll be watching closely as the whole thing unfolds. Please keep us informed, as I am following your lead and using your info to guide me in my quest.<BR> Please rest your weary body and emotions and keep the faith. Hopefully one day very soon we can all share a cyber-champagne toast to your success and perhaps the beginning of some meaningful changes that will one day prevent other spouses and families from being forced to live through the nightmare all of us here will endure for the rest of our days.<BR> Take care <BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by anniem (edited September 24, 2000).]

I don't know what to say to all of you. I am humbled by your kind support and grateful to you all for standing behind me in this very difficult decision to sue the OW. <P>I can't turn back now as much as I would sometimes like to. There's too much at stake now, not just for me anymore. Anniem, I am hoping for changes for all of us.<P>Heavenly, why is it that we do make good homes for our husbands, adore them and work hard to meet their needs and then this happens? What do you see as the reason for this obvious increase in reckless behavior? With birth control such a hot issue, how could these grown men be so careless and cause such destruction? What makes them feel the need to be with someone else to begin with? What is all this hogwash about MLC?<P>Are we deluded into thinking we mean more to them than we do? I was so convinced my husband was so completely in love with me that he was totally incapable of doing what he did...bipolar or not, alcoholic or not. I will never understand, and I will always wonder now if I've been kidding myself all these years. Sometimes I feel that he's here because the alternative is just too horrible and distasteful.<P>KTGirl, I can always count on you for heartfelt response and know you'll be there for me...I will be here for you, too. Thanks, ktgirl, for all your kind support.<P>Comfort and Happy girl: You're both so supportive and I appreciate your prayers and well-wishes. When you think about it, in all these millions and billions of people in the world, somehow those of us in this awful situation find each other here. It seems that there are a lot of us but in reality, we're all sorry 'lottery' losers in this horrible game of chance. We are really a rare small handful of people who would have had to go it alone without this medium to connect with eachother. I am very grateful to the two of you, you both add so much here.<P>Leelee: We've had a lot of conversations over the past weeks, encouraging each other, offering advice to one another and have developed a friendship in the interim. I feel very lucky to have you on my side, Thanks, Leelee.<P>Babstr: <BR>You're such an important component to this forum; I appreciate your support so much. <P>Thanks, Sweetpea, for you well-wishes and for your great information. In fact, I think I used your link to find the attorney I have...I'll have to check back and find out how I got his name, but I'm pretty sure it was something you posted that got me going on this. <P>You're all so wonderful...we've all become such good friends in our infamous little group. Such a comfort to find each other during these terrible times. It makes it more tolerable.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip I am so proud of you. Keep it up.<P>You know what's funny? Even if the OW don't "intentially" get pregnant, it's still their choice to give birth. The father doesn't have a choice in that. So it seems to me that the person who "chooses" to bring the child into the world should also have to incur the costs provided the father's "choice" is to not be involved. Then I'd be willing to bet there'd be a lot less "accidental" pregancies. I wonder how we can get that law passed huh? Anyway take Care Catnip. You are on my mind all the time. I'm cheering for you. And so is my little girl in her new Vikes cheerleading outfit . <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 25, 2000).]

LSM: <BR>Where did you get the Vikes cheerleading outfit? Did you come up here and not tell us?!<P>You raised some interesting points, LSM, about how to combat this wave of OW's having and keeping OC's.<P>I would like to take this a step further. Rather than getting pregnant either intentionally or unintentiionally to begin with, how about the OW not have sex at all with a man she knows is married.<P>Let's take it another step beyong that...how about she never sees MM again as soon as she is aware he is married; or at the very least, stops seeing MM as soon as his Wife calls and alerts her that they are indeed still married, still living together and to back off.<P>When an OW chooses to keep the OC without the consent of the MM, and refuses to give it up for adoption, the burden should rest with her. The MM should pay something, but it should be a fair and reasonable amount; not these ridiculously high income shares currently being awarded.<P>There should also be penalties for obvious, deliberate, callous destruction of a family...and a sliding scale of awarded child support. <P>One example; if it is a one night stand, the OW gets 5%, if its a short fling of a month, the OW gets 7%, if it's an affair of a year, then 10%...but no way should the OW get as much as a wife of five, ten, twenty years would get...it isn't right, moral or fair. I know you can argue, "but it's not for her, it's for the kid," but, we all know it doesn't cost $1500, $1200, $800 a month to take care of a kid. I think $200 per month is about right until there are 10 or 12, then an increase perhaps. <BR>But all this money going to the OW who has done so much damage, keeping a child she has no business keeping and destroying the lives of so many is corrupt and evil and should not be awarded. <BR>If she wants to keep it, she should find a way to support it. She goes ahead and does exactly as she pleases and effects everyone else, and no one can say or do a damn thing about it. It is outrageous.<P>Catnip =^^=

Amen! Why is it that NO ONE (other than your lawyer of course) see's this manipulation and only wants to implicate the father? He seems to be the only one paying the price (other than us of course who pay the highest price of all well besides our children).<P>I ordered the cheerleading outfit on-line. At domeplus.com. Cute but I'm sure they have tons more stuff in the local stores where you live.<P>I know I don't have to tell you but keep us posted on your case. I'm willing to sign petitions or do whatever it takes to get this law changed. There's a reason we have to file for marriage. Why is that when another woman can come along, break the vows and then get up to 20% of a H income for getting pregnant. What the heck kind of world do we live in?<P>Hope you're doing well Catnip. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Catnip,<P>I am so sorry that this once again brought up the memories. I had that today also, reading the child support papers. having to actually read how much money this woman is going to get per month. All I know is I might spend $100 on my daughter, and it will be less when she is toilet trained. But now I have to give her $650 a month, unreal. <P>I can feel your pain in every word. Its funny how we never forget this has happened but it is like a dream or a tv show. And then all of a sudden it hits, that it is our own lives, I hate those days. You are finally heading towards a new start, a turning of the tables. I know it will be a bitter sweet moment. Something that you want, but should have never been a option. Like parents who want to bring a abuser to trial, they want the revenge, but they are sad that they ever had to want it. You are always in my prayers and thoughts. You have been a foundation builder for me since I came here. Let's hope that your story can make it to CourtTV, then would scare some of those women out of their mind. I would love to see it played out, hey I could still eat my popcorn for that show. Keep your chin up.<P>babstr.

I think the fact that the courts award big sums to the OC makes it very tempting to snarl MM. The legislators should be more pro-family and stop this practice that puts a very great strain on rebuilding the legal marriage albeit that the MM has done wrong, and deserves to be given the rap for bringing OC into the world.<P>I was in Germany recently, and they used to have a traditional costume that would tell the married women and single women apart. When I ventured about the MM and single men, there was no such costume which brings me to the point that laws are always made by men, and applied to protect their interests, including "you don't mess with my wife". But as far as other single or unattached women out there, it is fair game! I am afraid even the mayor of NY spurned his wife for OW.<P>What I am getting at is that often an A is driven by the man's need for sex, and sadly, that sex can be had with most anybody that is open season. So, it is not always about you, the wife. Men sometimes drum up excuses that the wife is lacking in some areas (without even communicating to their wife that for years) to alleviate their guilt and sin. <P>Catnip,<P>Your H had said about how he had thrown away something so valuable is honesty tinged with the lack of self control he finds so deplorable. He, being bipolar and all, has a better reason than most who have chosen to go into A with eyes wide open, as well as stomping all over their wives.<P>Although we never had an OC (thank the Lord because I think I would have killed WS and the OW), we had to wait out the possibility for a few months after the A was exposed when banshee knived him and was incarcerated. Although there was protection, anything could have happened - my WS condom actually burst during one of our romps after the D-Day. So I feel so for those who have OC.<P>Sometimes not having a child of your own is hurtful in a situation like this. However, my own baby reminds me of the A, and for a long time, I couldn't accept baby because of that and I had to cart baby to be looked after by godparents and now have live in help. I also wanted to kill and hurt baby so I don't have to live with the memories. I also hit myself a lot, until WS offered to let me hit him. I also felt that I could run away from the marriage and start anew if I didn't have my baby. I was feeling so trapped, at the peak of my life.<P>Reading your detailed post helps me see that there are OW who are so callous, heartless, blatantly stealing and conniving wicked schemes to ensnarl a MM for life. It truly helps me to understand that my position is not unique. MY WS said he was trapped when he got pissed drunk and was helped up the room when the banshee staff behaved like a whore and tramp and set herself on him in the bed. WHen he told banshee the stop the next day banshee threatened to inform me that after once he didn't want. He then had to appease her and thereafter it was 2 years of blackmails with suicides, hell in the office and threats to harm baby and me. It was too much like fatal attraction for me - I was wondering which of the two, WS or banshee, was using the script. I really couldn't believe that any woman could be so thick-skinned and want sex so badly. Now I can see your nightmare is quite like my nightmare. Banshee also wanted the money.<P>SO there are such disgusting lowlife scums whose main preocuppation in life is to snarl a well to do MM because they never could get a single and eligible man to play their game. Banshee's specialty is the MM, and looking at her photos and my H's description of the chinless wonder banshee who is looser than a nymphomaniac, who also gapes and drags her feet for added effect, I can see why single men would not touch her with a ten foot pole. I was a fashion model on mags covers and TVCs, and have a postgrad degree as well as am a decent person. WS said he has always been completely happy with the marriage and with me. SO, why do men stray when they have steak at home, they eat hamburgers outside. WHy do they eat pig swill outside when they have champagne brunch at home? My WS's take on this is 'I drank from the sewers when I have good water at home'.<P>Maybe men are programmed to have that drive to sow their ash, and to the vast majority of men, it doesn't matter who the woman is. To many, they would just take if the woman is served on a platter (doesn't have to be silver ware), and they come up with excuses fast and furious. Others having eaten of the forbidden fruit and burnt their lives and scorched their marriages and ruined their wives' lives, like our WS' experiences bear out, would become more afraid of A, and hopefully would have the moral sense to FLEE the next time.<P>I am so sorry that we are a small band of women having to go through this; we could in a strange way be the lucky ones who have the knowledge of our WS infidelity. I can imagine millions out there who have no inkling of their WS with their OWs, OCs. They just carried on heaping their unconditional love on their WS, sacrificing every ounce of their strength and life to make them feel so loved and pampered. I literally began developing thick rough skin in my feet and I was so weary trying to do everything when I just gave birth and didn't know then that WS was in PA for close to 1 and half years (began when I was still in peak form and ended when I was on breaking point from weariness; he said he felt so guilty seeing me slog with the new baby and him being away so often, but he never helped which is his normal style).<P>Now, I can literally feel the chains of such unconditional, devoted love and unbeliveable scarifice break. I stopped doing any work around the house - WS did all for some months till he couldn't hack it. Now he hires live in for us, including a nanny for baby (because I simply have very little energy left). I also got compensation in the form of 50% of his cash savings, holidays overseas, designer brands (the banshee got these when she throws tantrums, so I wanted them too. I used to buy and pay for my own stuff), etc..<P>WS life has turned upside down, and he lost the rule over me. Biblically, when Eve sinned in the garden of Eden, God punished her with pain bearing and bringing forth child, as well as being under the rule of her H. Now with WS sins, he has broken the rule of dominion, and I don't listen to him much. I have my own life back, and it is so much easier without hurting for approval. <P>DO you think our spouses love us less because they had sex with another woman? I think few men see marriage the way women do. To us, marriage is like the huge romance that has just begun, and most devote out lives to create a haven for our spouse. Many men, on the other hand, see marriage as a place where they feel relaxed and secure with the wifey attending to many stuff so they can go conquer their jobs. THey do take for granted what is in the hand, and if they happen to be in the wrong company, many are tempted to put aside their marriage (will always be there) and play the field again.<P>It hurts so much to think that we are not able to keep the men in our lives from the whores out there. But as my WS said, the OW had given everything she can give, her body, her high self esteem (she devours the wives' esteem as a hobby), her ego (she feeds it by taking as much of MM from wife as possible), she bought him expensive stuff, yet he doesn't want or need her. She throws her body for WS to use, and blackmails him into using it, and WS said that when he can't prostitute himself anymore, he used her as a prostitute, and when she did a final stunt to make public the A so that the wife would leave - she knived WS in public and was thrown in jail for some time.<P>The one thing that kept me sane is God's Amazing Grace. I actually had visions of the A and dreams, as well as other miracles during the A. As I sat and think hard, I realise that I was also provided with a wonderful link (it can only ne from God because it is natural, and yet in its naturalness, it is still hard to believe all the coincidences throughout my pregnancy up to even now) to my pregnancy to remember by if I ever thought the A was the sore point.<P>Our WS strayed, lost their way, ate unclean fruits, brought forth immeasurable pain to their wives and family, lied their tongues dried, and in all that, we still try to lay the blame on ourselves. I think our fault is that we loved far too much, and even as that love is violated, we ask 'did we not love enough? How could we love better?'. I would rahter say "I love differently now, with both eyes wide open, and love myself first, then can I love others'.<P>I stopped asking "how could they do this to me, how could he do this to me?'. That is victim mentality. I think it is better to become financially secured, look after being lovely, and radiant, and help others. Your WS cannot be the only or number 1 person in your life, our parents did not bring us up to be doormats or to lay down our lives for our H. Unfortunately, men are so used to that kind of treatment from their wives of the OWs. THey will get a shock when they start knowing the OW, as my WS said, '*** is a piece of sh*t, a piece of evil sh*t'. Unfortunately he had to taste that to know it. <P>In a way, banshee may have done us a favour, WS is like a traumatised little boy running home to hide from the fire he helped start and got burnt. He is terrified of another A. He did say that he had so many opportunities when the women were far more beautiful (didn't need to look far for a better looker) than banshee but was able to run away, but for her schemes to snarl him. I cannot understand how some woman would force affection and love from an unwilling party, they have to be really desperate and have low self esteem but high ambitions.<P>I was picturing how scheming so many are, the things they do, the way they behave, etc., and I broke into a sweat - they must really be badly brought up and rejected and sick. They know only evil can get them things. My pastor asked us to pray for hedges of protection so that no lover can get to our spouses and vice versa. Even if a lover gets to our spouse, you can pray that the spouse return. <P>Banshee called my father to get to me, and when he refused to entertain her requests, banshee screamed at my father, who felt his chest tightened and was hospitalise and died soon after from complications that accelerated his other problems. SO, it is sometimes more than just pain to us, in my case, my father died with his heart breaking for his daughter's hurts (he told my mother how worried he is for me). He said he didn't want to go yet because he had some unfinished work to do, his role as a father is still not over.<P>Maybe God is being merciful here, my WS was saddled with even more guilt than just the normal A. The OW banshee was instrumental in my father landing in hospital, to my uncontrollable hitting of myself and later my WS (he offered and it just got worse and worse).<P>If this doesn't serve as a huge warning to WS, nothing will.<P>I am rambling on...I am just trying to think through how people can be so evil, as well as trying to see how our 'worship' of our marriage is misplaced; it should be God we should worship, then things wouldn't be so wrong. One thing I am very sure of is that if I were this calculating, fierce and streetsmart wife, my WS would jump out of bed even in his drunken state because he knows I will bobbit and give it to the dogs. Being too kind and loving - maybe we will get our rewards one day.