I will start at the beginning. My husband & I were high school sweethearts at a very large christian school.We have been married for 15 years. We were always looked at as the "Perfect Couple", Barbie and Ken. Together forever! We were married at 17yrs and 19yrs old. We had our first child (son) at 18 & 20. Later to suffer the loss of two still births both girls two years in a row. A few years later we had another healthy boy, and then another and another. Yes, 4 boys. Life on the outside seemed just perfect, we had a beautiful family, beautiful home, nice cars, good job, very active in our church and community. What more could you want? When I married my husband we went to premarital counseling and we're married virgins, we did it all the "right way". Only we had a secret problem..."Sex". My husband has had a sexual addiction, but he justified it with turning all of his thoughts & actions towards me. Which has left me feeling used, unclean, prostituted & disrespected. I have told him for years that he has made me question my whole womanhood. I don't trust him with my body,and I don't feel safe. I feel like a possesion, obsession and a sex object. I have fallen victim to his addiction which has left me feeling not good enough and what I have to give is never enough. I have entered the world of sexual aversion with my husband. Feeling hopeless and my love banks so empty, and all the anger within me, I made the choice to make him pay, and I was going to prove to myself I do have my own desires, wants & needs. I started having an affair with a close friend about 6 months ago. It has been the most loving, wonderful physical relationship I have ever experienced in my life. Knowing the whole time how wrong it was and the sin so unbearable. I still continued, because it gave me a new strength, I was able to draw the line with my husband and convienced him to get help with his addiction, because I wasn't going to live that way any longer. For the first time I knew what sex could be and I wanted that with my husband. We started counseling and a 12 step program. I feel we are on our way to a new beginning. My affair has been difficult to end, but we both want to make it work with our spouses. Neither spouses know of the affair, we are all friends. But, the complicated part hasent even come out of my mouth...Yes, I am pregnant with the O/M's baby. My husband had a vesectomy 6yrs ago. And things are just starting to recover between my husband and I. I don't even know what direction to turn. I am afraid to tell both my lover and my husband. I am trying to hold it all together, with my husband and my four boys. This all seems like a dream, I always judged women like me, and maybe that is part of my problem. My thoughts about the baby are warm, I do want it, because it is mine, through a mistake or not. I have suffered the loss a child,and it changes your whole view of a life. How can I handle the reality of my situation?

tigger? any advice for reality?? <P>reality, i would guess you aren't very far along yet. unfortunately i think you have to tell your husband. does the OM know your husband had a vasectomy? if not, and your husband is willing, i would suggest raising the baby as your and your husbands. <P>your husband could eventually come here for support to as there are several men raising the child of the OM. i am sure they will post soon. do a search in this forum and look up the posts of K. he is very wise. there are some others, sailorman, oh, my memory isn't working right now. but anyway, they will probably be along to post soon.<P>for now, good luck in telling your husband, and saving your marriage!<P>happy_girl

Yes, my lover does know my husband had a vasectomy. Everyone does. Not to mention my in laws, they are extremely judgmental and religious. Both sides of our families will not take this well at all. Then I have my boys to deal with. How do you explain to a 14,10,8 & 6 year old, that their Mom has really screwed up. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my lover's wife is also pregnant, but she is due in two months. They have 2 girls and the baby due is a girl.

reality,<P>that does make things much more difficult. i don't know what to say. i know it will be tough to deal with your families, but right now, you need to think about your marriage and how to tell your husband. i know this will be difficult, but it is not impossible. it will be very hard to deal with everything, but you can do it.<P>it is the weekend and usually slow here on the weekends. hopefully some of the more experienced ones will post you some real advice.<P>take care and may god bless you in this hard situation.<P>and, i think it is normal to think bad or whatever about people in these situations. until you are in one. it is so hard. i would have always said, if your spouse cheats, leave, divorce, etc. but when i was actually in that position, i didn't leave. i chose to stay in my marriage and try to save it. and we did. i think it just helps me to not so quickly judge others because you never know what it is like to be in their situation.<P>there are mostly women here whose h's cheated and got another woman pregnant. but don't let that keep you from coming here. there are many wise people on the forum. until they get here, try the search and look around, or just read the past posts. it will help you a lot.<P>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited January 14, 2001).]

Reality,<P>Sorry that I didn't post sooner, but I just checked the posts and read yours for the first time. I am just about in the same situation that you are, and that's why Happy Girl was asking me if I had any advice. If you want to know all about our situation, the quickest way that I know how is check my profile, and click on the sentence for other posts by this person, or something to that effect.<P>Now, for my advice. I would highly reccomend telling your H about both the A and the pregnancy. I am assuming, from the statement about the lovebank, that you have either heard about or have the book, His needs, Her needs. If you have the book, have you both read it, if you don't have the book, I highly reccomend you get it, and very soon. This book has helped me and my H. The second thing that I would advise is to continue seeing a counselor about this new situation. My H is one of the men on this forum who is willing to raise the OM's child. My H also had a vasectomy about 6-7 yrs ago, and we have a 10 and 8 yr old. We have also, in a sense, lost a child, although it was by choice to give her up for adoption. She is 13 yrs old.<P>No one can tell you what, exactly, to expect in telling your H about either the A or the pregnancy. Every one is different, as you will see if you continue to post and/or read on this forum. But, the best thing you can do for all involved, is start by telling your H the truth, and decide, together, where to go from there.<P>I'm really tired right now, and am going to go to bed. I just wanted to get the main stuff out of the way. I will probably have more to say tomorrow morning. You will come to find that I also, sometimes, tend to ramble on. Also, my H is sitting here, hinting that we need to go to bed now <P>Welcome to the board, and we hope to help with anything we can. Sorry you have to be here, but we all are willing to help.<P>Tigger

Reality,<P>Well, now I am more awake, and have thought more about what you are going through. I know that I stated that I couldn't tell you how your H will react to this news, but I do know one thing that everyone feels when something like this is revealed. That is pain and anger. How your H handles those emotions, I couldn't tell you. In our case, the A was revealed before the pregnancy. I didn't know I was pregnant until a couple weeks after I ended the A, and my H knew that I was taking the home pregnancy test. It was very difficult, and I will admit that we did think of abortion. That's where God showed his hand the greatest, at that point. The only number I could find, that I thought was related to a place that would do abortions, was a number that was for Crisis Pregnancy. I don't know if you are familiar with that orginization, but they are run by christians, and try to help you in every other way but abortion. I then called and spoke to my parents. They already knew about the A, and something my father said has stuck with me every day that I think that I can't handle this. That is this, it is not the baby's fault.<P>Now, there is something else that we have in common. That is the in-laws. My H's parents were here visiting when the OM forced me to tell my H about the A. One thing lead to another, and when the OM wouldn't leave, was basically gloating, my H threatened him, and the OM assulted my H. Luckily, my H's parents were staying in a hotel, so weren't here to witness the assult, but my H had a few bruises on his face, so he did call and talk to them. Also, my H is in the military, and in a situation like that, they take the service member to their command and let the command decide if he/she can go back home. I am rambling again, so I will stop, but the point I was going to get to was that my H's parents, or mostly his mom, are the same way as you stated your in-laws are. I was made to feel as if I had ruined their vacation. Now, I was not the only one who has not been faithful, and they were told that, but it was strained between me and my mil, any time I was near her. And when they left, I felt that she forced herself to hug me good-bye. Of course, there is a lot of history with those types of feelings, that go back 15 years, so this was just the icing on the cake. We didn't tell my H's parents about the pregnancy until Sept, when I was about 3 mos along. She and I haven't spoken much since then. His father is just a quiet man, and my H has spoken with him about how I feel, and since then, he has only spoken with his father, and not his mother.<P>As for telling the OM, that needs to be your call. In our situation, after the OM showed his true colors, there was no way that we ever wanted him involved in our lives again. Threats have been made on my H's life that we just won't ignore. Therefore, the OM in our case doesn't know, and, by the grace of God, will never know. He is now far away from here, and didn't know about the pregnancy before he left. If he ever does find out, and tries to sue for visitation, I will then seek out child support. He is so into his money, that it would probably scare him away, and we wouldn't have to worry about him coming around. We also have the police report about the assult, and I had also filed a harrassment report on him as well. You need to think about, and discuss with your H, what you will do in your situation. If your H wants to work things out, and is willing to raise this child as his, then there would not be a need to tell the OM. Even though there was a vasectomy, there have been cases where they have grown back together. In fact, as mentioned in another post, we may be one of those lucky ones, due to some bloodwork that I had done. We still won't know for sure till the baby is born, but the blood type will tell, as both the OM and I are type O and my H is A. Of course, it is not a common thing to have a vasectomy grow back, but, if you do decide to raise the child as your H's, it has happened before, and that is what you can tell people who question that fact.<P>Telling the kids. Well, we haven't told the kids anything other than they will have a new sister(at least we think it is a girl) in March. That is something that we still don't know how or when to tell them. They do know about their 13 yr old sister, and that we gave her up for adoption, and why. They do understand that, but this is a very different situation. The advice we have gotten about that is to wait until they are old enough to understand, and or, the baby is old enough to understand. Of course, that also depends on what you decide to tell the OM as well. If he has visitation or partial custody, then you would need to tell the boys why their brother/sister is going to this friend's house without the rest of the family.<P>As I have found, and you will find, this situation, whether resulting in pregnancy or not, affects more that just you, your H, and the OM. That is why only a few family members know what is really going on. And, ultimately, if they are true christians, and truly love you, they will still love and support you, no matter what you have done. Even your in laws. I know that they still love me, but it is hard for them to either deal with or show it. <P>I have rambled again but I hope that some of my rambling about what I have gone through has helped you to some degree. How far along are you, at this point? Obviously, you're not showing yet. You obviously love your H very much, and that is what you need to work on right now, your relationship with him. Worry about everyone else later.<P>I check in on the post every day(as with some others here, it's like an addiction for me), so if you have any questions from our perspective, feel free to direct them to me. As you see, I am very open about what has happened, and just hope to help even one person through things like this. If your H needs some support, tell him about this board. There are quite a few men on this board who are dealing with situations like ours. Some of the names are K, Lynton, Sailorman59(my H). Also, if you have legal questions, there is this great guy named Bystander who seems to know A LOT about the law, and where to look for info for your state, and at least one lawyer who posts here too. We are here to help you in any way we can. Hope we can.<P>Tigger

Wow, you all are great! Just to be able to talk about this really helps. There is a few things I left out due to so much to say. The OM lives next door and knows great detail of my relationship with my husband. And my H has been staying with my brother in law since after Christmas. Because going through all of our counseling, we had so much anger and long dragged out conversations, it exhausted us both. Our counselor and both my H and I needed so time of peace. We still talk everyday several times. We just planned to take a time out for a month to get ourselves spiritually on track. My H has made some major accomplishments in this time. And I feel as though I have also. We so love our boys and love being their parents together. I am only 7 weeks along, and my fear of telling now is....what if something happens to the pregnancy, and I wouldn't have had to impart all this pain on everyone. So, I keep wanting to wait till after my third month. Twisted, probably? I feel really horrible for what I have done. But, at the same time, I am having to deal with the Love that I have for the OM, I really do love him, it has been a Love Affair. But, it doesn't compare to the history with my H. No, question in my mind or heart, Both the OM and I need to stay with our spouses. How will we juggle this new baby. I know we should probably move being they are just next door, but financally that is tough right now, and my kids go to school across the street. So, many decisions.....Thank you guys for all your in put. :0<BR>

Wow, right next door is very similar to our situation. Although it wasn't quite right next door, it was close enough. I still think that you should tell your H about everything now, instead of later. If you wait, it tends to make it worse, cause eventually, the truth will come out. Case in point, my H's first A was while I was pregnant with our 8 yr old. I did the same as you, as far as "getting back" at him, and had an A 2 yrs later. Well, that stayed a secret till D-day this past July from OM. It is better that it come out now, than later, for all concerned. Believe me, it doesn't do a whole lot for your health or peace of mind, wondering if "it" will come out in the open. As for the pregnancy, what if something does happen, and you would end up going through it alone. I have never miscarried, but I can just imagine the pain you go through, and to have to go through it alone would be awful. Yes, if you don't say anything, and something does happen, then no one is the wiser, but there is that little thing called being truthful that is being avoided as well. Believe me, it will eat you up. You may not realize it, but it does. On the other hand, I realize that you guys have been working on the other problems in your marriage, and you feel that all that work would be in vain if this comes out. You may take a few steps back, but if the marriage is meant to work, and you both truly love eachother, it will work out. It will be a very long road to recovery, but being completely truthful is one of the biggest steps down that road. Maybe you could go to the counselor alone, and discuss this with him/her first. They often can give better advice as to how to bring up this new situation. My H felt so guilty about how I was feeling about myself, he came clean about the past 8 yrs, which prompted me to come clean about the other A I had had. Yes, it's a difficult pill to swallow, but those are usually the ones that help the most in the long run. One other thing that has helped us in some of our dark hours is that God won't give you anything that you can't handle. Of course, that doesn't guarantee a perfect ending, or even the one that you want, just that with God's help, you will survive this. Don't try to "handle" it on your own. Please keep us up to date on your decission. Like I said before, we are here to help in any way we can.<P>Tigger

I really struggle with which one I should tell first. My H or the OM? In my relationship with the OM, we have agreed that because of the friendship between all of us, that we would both agree together if we would ever tell our spouses. Because if one knows, all knows. I feel I owe the OM that, but then I don't want to complicate his life any further. Being his wife is pregnant also. I don't know, I am such a roller coaster right now. UP & Down, Up & down. Which one?

I would still reccomend telling your H first. Even though you had made that agreement with the OM, if you want to try to save your marriage, your H should come before anyone else, and be your first concern. Both my H and I agree on that point. The statement he made to me was that you need to use the "Rule of Honesty". Like I was saying before, if you aren't truthfull about this, then you aren't being completely honest with your H. That is one of the most important rules in saving your marriage. If you haven't already, you should check out the books that Dr. Harley has written to help people like us get through these situations. I don't want to sound like I am preaching to you, but having been in your shoes, so to speak, I strongly suggest you talk with your H first and foremost. He is where you need to focus your attention, if you want your marriage to work. I wouldn't wait too long to talk to him either. The longer you wait, the harder it is on you, mentally.

reality,<P>i have to say i agree with tigger on that you should tell your husband first. if your marriage is your top priority then he needs to be told first. i think he would feel more hurt than he already will be. especially if he thinks something like 'maybe she wanted to give him a chance to be the father first, and he didn't want to...'. crazy things go through your mind when you first find about that your spouse had an affair. heck, they still go thru my mind and it has been 4 years. <P>it is hard to tell how he will take all this, but i think that starting now to make him #1 priority and being honest with him about everything is very important. possibly crucial to saving your marriage. men react differently to affairs. especially because womens often tend to be more of an emotional affair than physical. you have said you still love OM, that makes it harder on your husband too.<P>monday is coming, and some of the guys in your husbands position will be around hopefully. they can give you insight into what might cross your husbands mind. <P>also, i agree that the longer you hide the pregnancy, the harder it is on you mentally. and possibly on your husband when he looks back on things. i know i always thought stuff like "at that time he had the affair and i had no idea... etc". it could make it harder for him to understand how you kept it from him so long.<P>take care.<P>happy_girl

It is all so much easier said then done...I am still in that denial stage, it all seems like a dream, I can't believe this is happening to me. I do see your point about telling my husband first. That is what I will do. As far as when...I am still so shaky on that. It hasen't been very long since I have tried to brake it all off with the OM. It is still a daily struggle. Expecially, having to see him almost daily.<BR>I do want it to work between my H and I, we have these wonderful boys! We are good parents together, and we have grown up together. Maybe we still have alot more growing up to do though. My H thinks I have hung the moon, the stars & the sky. He's world will be shaken to the bone. I do know that! I go to our counsoler this next friday, I am going to take the advice to go ahead and tell her,so I can get some advice on how to tell my H and my Boys. Ouch!

Reality,<P>I have been neither your H's or your shoes, so keep this in mind while reading my reply. I don't usually post in this section. However, I would like to second what you have been told, you do need to tell your H.<P>I see three issues here that are of course intimately related. <P>One is that you have been in an affair and still love the OM.<P>Two is that you are pregnant by the OM although the affair has been broken off. Although in honesty you are still emotionally attached.<P>Three, there is the OM's pregnant W that has to be addressed.<P>I am not trying to make your life harder or more impossible by listing these issues. What I would like to suggest, is that when you talk with your counselor, you think of these three issues separately.<P>Your situation is very very complicated. But you cannot hide that you are pregnant for too long. So telling your H about the pregnancy, might as well be done with the idea of maximizing the survival of the marriage.<P>However, the fact that this was a "love affair" and you still are in love means that you and your H will have to deal with whether you or he wants to continue to be married. This is apart from the fact of your pregnancy. <P>I sense that you are not sure you want to be married to your H, but think it is the most prudent path to take. Assuming you get a choice in this matter, it would help alot if when your H is at the zenith of pain, despair, and self-question, someone in the marriage knows what they want.<P>The next issue is that of the OM and his family. You and your OM are going to have to address the pregnant OM's W or the newly delivered OM's W at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. When you do this it would be best if you and your H have at least begun to address your marriage because she will need to know the level of threat you represent to her and her children.<P>Financially and emotionally, it will be hugh.<P>I could go on, but I hope that you have noticed that everything begins with your H and what he decides to do. That decision will very likely be months in coming, following your disclosure.<P>In the meantime, please read some books. His Needs Her Needs and Surviving An Affair, both by Harley. The later book may help your H deal with some of this.<P>Reality, I read your post and cannot imagine how this will all work out. The destruction will be enormous, yet there are people posting here that have survived it. As has been stated there are several men who post here that can give you and/or your H insight.<P>K is one of them, StillTrying is another. They have both survived this situation and are raising the OM's children.<P>One last thing, that is recommended about recovering from an affair is be very honest with your H and do your best to truely understand why you and OM did what you did. Why the last statement? Because if your marriage is to be healed, your H must reach the conclusion that this will never happen again. That more than anything requires that you and consequently your H feels that the situation leading to this affair can be averted in the future.<P>This does probably imply that one or both of you will have to move. Not fair, not good for your other children, not fair for OM, his family, but you realize those things weren't being considered during the affair.<P>Please keep reading and posting here. Once the week starts you will get advice from many of the "pros" here.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Reality, I cannot speak much on the situation you are in, since my H has OC. But if you and your H and get through this & repair marriage, that is most important thing. Other people are are just that, other people. For all they know your H had vasectomy reversal & didn't tell everyone. Or maybe he lied about having it done in the first place. Lot's of reasons why you are pregnant. So don't worry about what other folks think. Focus on you and your H. Hopefully OM will try to stay out of your lives and focus on his family. He was just a sperm donor, as much as if he had donated at a sperm bank. I notice you mention OM has daughters. Do you think this child may be another D? There are lot's of thoughts here, that you miss your baby daughters (who wouldn't) or that it is a boy & OM does not have a son. I could not imagine going through what you are going through and the emotions involved in pregnancy. <P>Both you, your H and OM and his wife need to focus on what is best for your individual families. If you and your H are together on this, all things can be accomplished! <P>You will be in my thoughts. Take care... Carolyn

Bingo, Carolyn! The sex of the baby is weighing heavely on my mind...if it is a girl, I would be blessed with the daughter I never had....filling a large empty void. If it is a boy...the OM will more than likely never be able to walk away. Having 3 daughters....this last pregnancy with his wife, was the last resort for a Son. I would like to not tell the OM or his wife till after they have their baby, so that they have time to strengthen there marriage and get through the birth of their precious baby. I know what a emotional time birth is. And I don't want to add to it for her(OW). She is also my friend.

Just learning, I like how you lay it all out for me. That really helps me keep my thoughts organized between all the emotions.<BR>I know this is a really big mess, and I appreciate all the reality of your advice. I just finished Dr. Harley's "Your Love & Marriage", and I am going to get His needs, Her needs. I have been reading a lot, trying to get the strenght to pull through. As far as my love for the OM, I can't say its not there. But, I do truely want to make it work with my H...I do want to be married to him forever. Being I have never been with anyone sexually except these two men. I now know why God says no to adultery....the soul ties are so heavy to carry.

Reality,<P>There is much I would like to say to you. But first I would like to hook you up with some of the basics of this forum and MB approach. First, here is the link to NSR's general welcome. Within it are bookmarks to many different articles, postings, and other information. It is found in the "Just Found Out" section here under NSR's general greetings. <P>I have bookmarked it here for you so that you can click on it and it will take you to this posting. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR's Greeting </A><P>Next within NSR's posting there is a story that was sent to Paul Moyer who posts here and is in the same situation your H will find himself in. Unfortunately, if you look around you will see that his W is cheating again so it look as if his willingness to love her, their boys, and the child of the OM, means nothing to her. It is a sad situation.<P>I must post this and then come back to get the bookmark of this story for you. It struck me last night that it may help you see things a bit from your H's perspective once he finds out. More importantly, it might encourage you and your H to seek guidance from a "higher" authority. I don't know if you are particularly religious, but if you have any leanings that way, now would be a really good time to pray. I'll be back with the rest.<P>This letter was posted by "Trustntruth" to Paul Moyer. You can find it in the "notable quotes/posts" section at the bottom of NSR's greeting. It is a very sad letter in one sense but a very uplifting one in another. My point in bringing it here is to give you some idea how Lost your H is going to be when this comes out, but things can work out. <P><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007869.html" TARGET=_blank> Letter </A><P><BR>Finally, Reality I want to say something I was eluding to last night. The number one thing you have to deal with is the affair. I know the child seems more important, but your betrayal of your H will be harder for him to handle than a new baby once it comes. I am not saying he will be willing to deal with either, but babies can work their way into your heart. Your affair will tear his heart apart.<P>Finally, I hope you realize that if you do make a go of your marriage, your OM cannot remain your friend, his W will view you as God knows what, life will never be the same, but it can be good. You have a lot to deal with and I don't want to be a downer, but you really cannot prepare for the pain you are going to see on at least several peoples faces. Sadly, since you are pregnant, there is no option of even considering not telling.<P>One last thing, I promise this is the last . Please don't use the sexual addiction excuse on your H. I won't make any sense to him. Please Please dig deep in your heart and try to understand why YOU choose to have an affair with OM, not why you H made you. Let me illustrate the problem this will bring. <P>You claim that your H is addicted to sex. The good news is that he was addicted to you and had not sought outside partners as is commonly reported on these boards by spouses that have a sexually addicted spouse. But if his constant demands for sex drove you away, why did you need sex with the other man? If you were having sex with both, this arguement will be hard for your H to believe. If you were having sex with OM after you and H ceased (if you ever did), then H will reach the conclusion it was not the sexual addiction at all, because as soon as you had releif, you sought sex with another man.<P>Are you following what I am saying here? You need to sort this out a bit. I understand or think I do that you are saying the constant demand for sex made you withdraw emotionally, but your response and the fact that you are pregnant sure is going to make your H question many things. Not, that he wouldn't anyway.<P>His trust in you will be zero, but it can be built back up if you are willing to work at it. Interestingly, his trust in himself may well be below zero. Ask many of the women who post here that are dealing with the issue of an Other Child by their H's.<P>Enough of my rambling. I hope the bookmarks help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 15, 2001).]

Reality, you are correct in the "no adultery" thing. Whether or not you believe in God, or right & wrong, or whatever... there is no getting around the results of adultery. Hurt souls, mashed families, confusion. <P>Take things slow, keep breathing and try not to "over think" the whole thing. Sometimes the best answers come when you can quiet all that stuff in your head & let your soul speak to you. Main thing is, what you are going through is not new on the face of the earth and there is a solution. Your heart will guide you there. Take care... Carolyn

Reality,<P>My wife had an affair and became pregnant. I'm raising this child now (who just turned two last month). I'm going to "tell you what to do" based on making your marriage a priority---we can debate ethics later, but I think this plan will help you work out your marriage.<P><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI>My first piece of advice is that you immediately call Steve or Jenn Harley through the MarriageBuilder's office, and make an appointment with them. I don't know how good your current counselor is: I see good aspects (your husband's progress) and bad aspects (encouraging a separation). The Harley's are top notch (I've counseled with both), and they're experts in dealing with infidelity. Steve helped me tremendously as I was dealing with my wife's affair---and I contribute his advice as a major reason that I have a marriage today. I really think you need a pro---don't screw around here, give them a call and set up an appointment for phone counseling (888-639-1639).<P><LI>Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> would point you to the fact that you must be completely honest with your husband, and tell him of this. Don't even think about telling the OM anything. The bottom line is that you should allow your husband the opportunity to process all this information---and then the two of you must use the "Policy of Joint Agreement" to come up with a plan that you're enthusiastic about. Your husband and you must decide whether you want to remain married. Whether you would keep the child. Whether the OM (and his wife) should ever know about the origins. There's a big list to work through, and even when you tell your husband, you'll need to give him a few weeks to process all this.<P><LI>If your husband and you decide to work on the marriage, you need to write a "no contact" letter to the OM (with the help of your husband). This is outlined in Surviving an Affair. As JL mentioned, a move away from your current situation would be warranted---you're not going to be able to heal your marriage in such close proximity to this OM.<P><LI>Should the two of you agree to reconcile the marriage and keep the baby, you'll have to decide on how the OM will be involved. I would encourage no involvement whatsoever, for the good of your marriage. If you've been with your husband sexually during the same period that the OM was with you, there's a chance (albeit remote) that the child could be his. The law would state that this child is your husband's---it was conceived while you were married. If he's willing to deal with the consequences of raising this child (support issues are probably minor going from 4 to 5 kids)---the OM should be left out. The only way the OM can do anything at this point would be to sue for paternity after the child was born. If he's willing to do that---you and your husband should have a plan in place (via the POJA) to fight this together. It's important that all your decisions be made TOGETHER from now on---you can see how bad things get when you don't do this.<BR></OL><P>Reality: your primary focus right now should be on your marriage and your family. There isn't a perfect "win-win" scenario here. You and your husband should work this out together---without the knowledge of the OM. You shouldn't worry about what promises you've made to him---you made marriage vows to your husband first.<P>Good luck---this isn't going to be easy. Again, at the risk of sounding repetitive (which some here have claimed I do... ), please consider calling Steve or Jenn Harley for an appointment.<P><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited January 15, 2001).]

K writes:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(support issues are probably minor going from 4 to 5 kids)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, the guidelines for many states (if not most) max out at four children. By guidelines, the fifth child is no additional cost! Who says you don't get a free lunch! <P>But lets at least be honest here. Even in such cases, the H is still gambling a lot. The reason is that if the marriage later ends, he'll be on the hook for child support for the last few years that the OM's child is a minor when all the other children are emancipated. The child support for one child runs 25% of his net pay, so we could still be talking a hundred thousand dollars or more.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The only way the OM can do anything at this point would be to sue for paternity after the child was born. If he's willing to do that---you and your husband should have a plan in place (via the POJA) to fight this together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Here's another reason to confess to your H *before* the OM. One of the most effective ways of fighting an OM is with the combined threat of paying child support and lack of access to the child (i.e., the absolute worst case scenario for a noncustodial parent is to be forced to pay child support and have no access to the child). Because you live so close, the OM might decide to litigate paternity and ask the court to prevent you from moving to preserve his easy access to the child. Truthfully, I actually support such orders in normal divorces, but in this instance it would spell disaster for your marriage.<P>What I'd suggest is that you actually move away BEFORE the OM learns of the child. That way, if he decides to litigate paternity, he'll face a huge child support bill PLUS the prospect of rarely seeing the child anyway. That should provide enough of a deterrent to keep him away for good.<P>Bystander<p>[This message has been edited by Bystander (edited January 15, 2001).]