you people sound so awful and bitter. there's a child involved here and all you can think about is how to deprive her of cs money and be nasty? ewwww. i'm really not sure about this forum. sounds like people are avoiding the responsibilities they entered into when they brought other people into their marriage. my husband has a child with another woman, their relationship is over, but i INSIST that he participate as a father to that child emotionally and financially. i am a human being and a woman first and foremost and as such i have a responsibility to our next generation. some of the women in here sound very small and bitter. i will be surprised if any good comes of your marriage if your focus is keeping such a tight hold on him and his money and venting your bitterness on an innocent child.

anthea,<P>It is wonderful that you are able to be so accepting and supportive of ow and your h's child. Great, thanks for sharing.<P>BUT before you come here and judge these woman you need to remember they are not you. Theser ladies are not trying to deprive the child of reasonable support, however they are trying to see to it that their own children are able to have things in life. Luxuries like, oh I don't know... food, shelter, clothing, doctor and dentist visits, yeah those things.<P>These ladies are in pain, where is the compassion for them in your post ? I'm sorry, but I personally dout you are a BW, you sound more like an ow to me, in fact you sound like one who tried to make trouble by prentending to be a BW on another I post on. <BR>As a matter of fact I can prove you are playing games. In this thread <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007554.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007554.html</A> <P>you said, <B> "it might be helpful for you to bear in mind that your h is STILL lying to you. i went through something like this with the man i had an affair with. they were getting prank calls and he told his wife it was me. of course, i knew it wasn't, i knew he had begun seeing other people. however, i think it was just much easier for him to blame it all on me and she was more than happy to believe it. regardless, he was still in communication with me at the time and told me he was still in love with me and really wanted it to work. i just wasn't biting, because i had begun to realize exactly how duplicitous he was.<BR>i have a question actually, i've discovered that my OM has given me an STD and it didn't come from me. my dr. is now going to give me an HIV test as well. my dr. suggested that i let the wife know since we know he is a liar and will not tell her. personally, i don't want to speak to him or her. and i don't want to upset her, but i do want to be responsible. i started by asking him to discuss it, but he's in complete denial about anything in regard to me now, since he's supposedly "trying to get back with his wife" anyway, but regardless, he's left ALOT of unfinished business. i don't think his wife has any idea that we actually had a physical affair, but just thinks i'm delusional. should i just let her figure it out on her own? " </B><BR> <BR>I am not ( Thank you God !) having to deal with the hell these ladies deal with everyday, but I admire them greatly for their courage. I suggest you not play games here , the moderators are very on the ball. And so are the posters.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

anthea, or should I say Saint Anthea? I agree with you that my H owes a responsibility to his child, but what amount is reasonable? I don't think you could have been reading very carefully. I know that some of us are bitter, but losing college funds and family vacations is a bitter pill to swallow. Especially when you have worked so hard to reach that point in your life.

Anthea,<BR>First of all, you are placing 100% of the blame for bringing someone else into the marriage on the ws. The ow knew we were married, knew that I intended to work on our marriage, and refused to back out of the picture. She has bragged that she not only got pregnant in order to try and force my husband to leave me, but that if she couldn't have that, she at least wanted him to be paying for the affair, via child support, for years. On top of that, she told my husband that she was infertile due to problems with uterus, and besides that could not bear children because doctors' told her that she would be facing paralysis if she tried carrying a child to full term. Yes, my poor dumb h was stupid enough to believe such a pitifully obvious lie, but there is no doubt that she had malicious intent.<BR>I fully agree that my h has a financial obligation to the oc. However, I feel that the children from our marriage are entitled to the same amount of support. CS can amount to 50% of a man's paycheck. Since I have 4 children with my husband and there is 1 oc, I figure she is entitled to a total of 10% of his pay, not the 28% she is collecting, plus childcare expenses. Where is the justice in taking away from some children to pay for others? Also, if you are arguing that he is automatically responsible for the child financially, then he should have inherent rights to participate equally in the child's upbringing. As it is, we have to sue ow for the privelege of even seeing the child. <BR>I have to agree with Bozos_Deb. you sound very much like an ow who is making a feeble attempt to garner sympathy for your position, all the while under the guise of being "a woman and human being first." If ow truly had a set of morals, they would not become involved with a married man to begin with. And as for the children's well-being, the ow sure are doing the children of the marriage any favors.<BR>You sound like a woman who has had an affair with a mm, gotten dumped, and now is trying to prey furthur on the peace of minds of those here. Remember, honey, this is marriage builders, not Whores Anonymous.<BR>If your here to play games, and I think Bozos_Deb have pretty much proved that you are, I suggest you scuury right back under that rock.<BR>-cd

Nice try anthea, who are you a ow with a child, or a ow with an std. I hope you are bumped off the site. After all like cdcollins said, this is marriage builders. Since you will never know what it is like to walk in my shoes, you have no right to judge. And I would never walk in your shoes, nothing worse than a liar. Thanks Deb, for bringing this to our attention.<P>babstr.

Thanks Bozos for your reply to the ant. I am not even going to waste my fingers on replying to a ant. flowerseed

No problem ladies. I guess this person is one who thought she could say whatever she wanted to say to hurt the people on this board and that no one would catch on, or if we did that we wouldn't say anything. She was wrong. While my h's a's didn't produce children that was one of my biggest fears. I think that all of you facing this men and women alike deserve a medal just for trying to work out your marriages and for breathing every day. I will not see a liar come here and dare to insult y'all without speaking up about it.<P>But I warn you, if this is who I believe it is ( the posting style matches that of Kayle,Suzie,Name of the week , on Key Bridge's boards) she doesn't give up easily and has been known to use several names.

Thanks for the warning Deb we can take it we will all just have to ware our medals.It is almost funny how brainless these low lifes can be. with love flowerseed

***But I warn you, if this is who I believe it is ( the posting style matches that of Kayle,Suzie,Name of the week , on Key Bridge's boards) she doesn't give up easily and has been known to use several names. ***<P>She has also used the name Heather and Dr. Somebody. My H's slut's name was Heather. This crazy ***** may very well be her. She is definitly an ow with a oc.<P>Jtigger

tigger, the sleeze in our case has herpes could be her. Just sickening. yeeeeeeuk

What pathetic people these OW are.DESPERATE LOSERS! First they can't get men of their own and then they can't take no for an answer.My H once told exow to leave our place of business in front of me and she refused,She said that she had the RIGHT to be there!The gaul of this intruder! She also swore that she never wanted to be married or have children.THat's until he told her that he was coming back home . THen she set the trap. Their sense of entitlement makes me want to strangle them.She has sail that she deserves everything that I have and got totally pissed off when my H bought a new car for me.What a joke!

Every now and then we get a renegade OW on the site with an axe to grind with intent to shame us into some kind of guilt via her self-righteousness. We ignore them, they eventaully go away. In the meanintime, it is fun to do a bit of sparring with them because it keeps us toned and razor's edge sharp.<P>We've been fighting the demons so long and have all spent time in gut-wrenching sadness over the betrayal and then the final ultimate insult of an OC, that sometimes these unwelcomed set-up artists inadvertantly slap us out of our maliase and catapult us into a much healthier exchange of combat. It's like working out. Keep honed and toned.<P>Anthea, bite me. I'm spoiling for a fight and love to have lively banter and exchange insults with OW's. It gives me a forum to vent my demons...I just pretend you're our OW.<P>Bozos_Deb: I am so glad you lurk here and pipe in every now and then...for those of you "newbies" here, Deb has been here a couple years and is a veteran old-timer and a true comfort in her wisdom, compassion and kindness.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

You said it Catnip!!! Go for the jugular!! "Women" like her don't deserve to be on these boards if all they can to is call you all "awful and bitter" and state that all you are doing is "holding tight to your H's and his money"!!! I think that Deb is right on the money with pegging this ant(I think that's what Flowerseed called her). Yes, I am the one having the OC, but I have never felt that you women here are bitter or awful! You are some of the strongest women I have ever had the privilage to "chat" with, and you have all helped me in my fears and questions.<P>Anthea, if you are out there, be prepared to have the fight of your life!!<P>Tigger

tigger4, Iam sure shes out there she just discovered she cant find nothing here she can take away. I think thats what ants do try to steal other ants dead bugs. Maybe shes one of them dung beattles I seen on t.v the other nite they steal each others s***. Tigger I dont consider your child the oc or you the ow dont ever think that.with love flowerseed

Thanks Flowerseed. I know that most of you guys don't put me in those catagories, but I would understand if you did. This ant is probably the dung beetle in ant's clothing She can have all my s@#$ if she wants it. I have a lot to give her!!<P>Enough said. <P>Tigger

anthea,<P>I would offer a comment such as "Go To Hell" but I hate redundancy. Since, in your case, that is already a "done deal," how about just "Get Permanently Lost!"<P>Have a nice day.

how sad. in fact. i am a married woman. who has had to deal withe a child my husband had prior to our marriage with a woman he was not married to as well as an other woman.<P>i am saddened by the response and the lack of support i have received here. i come from both sides and therefore have a deeper understanding i suppose.<P>when i married my husband and when i found out about this child. my commitment to him extended to his entire life. that included this child. <P>i feel very alone in this forum. as i love this child very dearly. he is a part of my husband. <P>i have paid on two occassions (as they live in another country) for the woman and my husbands son to come visit us. on one occasion i had to leave town during their visit on business and she made a pass at my husband. but i am not angry with her. my husband understands how to handle the situation and i trust him. i am not angry with her for wanting him back in her life. he is a good man.<P>in recent months, i have also become an OW due to unforseen circumstances. this was not something i planned on. i value my marriage. but it is a rare ocassion when we meet someone with whom we have such a great deal in common. it did not begin as a sexual relationship and that was not the intention. however, i discovered during the course of this relationship that my judgement was bad. and that though it was a struggle for me to consider leaving my husband, this person had a history of cheating and didn't have similar respect for his wife or children.<P>with that new understanding and a renewed respect and appreciation for my husband, i am no longer participating in that affair.<P>if my experience is too difficult for others to appreciate or sympathize with, then so be it. <P>i have found my own strength to be sure. still, i must say, that i am shocked by people's lack of love and understanding at the moment.

p.s. i can't imagine that it is positive in anyway, to refer to another woman as a WHORE. we are all trying and in difficult situations. you do nothing to strengthen your marriage by undermining the goodness of another woman.

in addition, i think it would help you to know as the OW i committed to, in fact, INSISTED on completely financing the living expenses of myself and my OM as he had two children and i wanted all of his income to go to his wife and children.

anthea,<P>If you are a legitimate poster then I am sorry you've been leaped upon, but then you HAVE typed some very inflamatory things!! As this is marriagebuilders I'm delighted to hear that your marriage is healing! Your H is a generous man. <P>Your H's "other children" that you describe were NOT born AFTER your marriage!!!! You were never betrayed!!!! While your support of your H's relationship with his biokids prior to your marriage is great and noble, you have NOT walked one single mile in our shoes, as wives who were, as we've said, raped into step-parenthood. There ARE some special wives here who support a relationship between their H and OC, but the general concensus is that emotional support (unlike financial support) of the OC is not a moral obligation, it is an extra! The married person's FIRST obligation is to heal his/her damaged marital family. <P>Obviously you have not spent much time here reading the backgrounds behind our stories. The callousness of many XOWen is really shocking. You say "...undermining the goodness of another woman." Honey, this may be a newsflash for you (and I'm all for "sisterhood"): BUT NOT ALL WOMEN ARE GOOD!!!!<BR>SOME are downright predatory and evil!! And even when they aren't evil, even when they are just human beings who've made bad choices due to WHATEVER unmet-needs-personal-reasons, most of those women are damages personalities who have little remorse and continue to make poor choices affecting our marriages, our children, our finances (sometimes even their own children) in horrible ways. <P>I'll admit there are a few times when a comment here is more negative than I'd prefer to read, but I can usually place it within the context of what excruciating pain they are going through (that I have been through!!!), the normal grief stages they are in, and having a safe haven to vent. Thank God we have this board!! <P>It seems to me that unless you have a real OC issue (did you conceive by the MM you had an affair with?), then you could better meet your needs at one of the other boards, such as Recovery. <P>While it is interesting that you paid all the expenses to live with a married man, I'll bet your "consideration" is not much comfort to his wife or your H!! <BR>Without a more apologetic attitude to the pain the betrayed feel, you won't get much sympthy here. I suggest you read After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring, Private Lies by Frank Pittman, Harley stuff, etc. You've got some learning to do.