For the past ten minutes I have sat here trying to figure out how I should post this thread. I type a line, then stare blankly into the screen, fighting the burning in my eyes and nose. It really aint all that bad...really.<P>On the 7th, two letters came to our house, one addressed to me, one addressed to my husband. I didn't open mine until Sunday the 11th. Not sure why, just didn't. My husband opened his Friday the 9th, but didn't say anything to me. Just acted sad and seemed to really need to be near me.<P>The letters were from the county telling us our divorce was final on February 5th.<P>It was such a strange sensation to read those words. I didn't cry but I felt somehow disjointed and noticed a funny buzzing in the air...kind of like when I first found out about the affair. That weird white noise you hear when an event of huge magnitiude takes place and there's a strange shift in your universe.<P>While this is all just on paper, and we are going on as we always have, there is no denying that we are no longer legally married. And we are no longer legally married because of a stranger who is aggressive and has a huge vendetta. This is someone who intruded herself into our lives for six weeks and yet, because of her intentional act, our 22 years together are altered forever. Her six weeks, my twenty two years....<P>It's OK, though. Since we got over the shock of the divorce and realized we are still the same people, living in the same house, together, doing all the same things we have always done, that now we can even joke a little about "living in sin" (let's see if this perks up the old sex life) and having the opportunity to begin again. We're going to have a courtship, although my husband already courts me every day, and we will have a proposal, and finally a remarriage, perhaps this summer or fall.<P>The benefits from this divorce action enables me to file a quit claim deed so that our house becomes mine and the remainder of our dormant business is turned over to me, just in case we are able to build it up again. It also means that any income that comes to us will come to us in my name.<P>The bankruptcies are final and the trustee has signed off so anything we make from this point forward is ours.<P>Drastics measures, yes; necessary measures, of course; but we now have the opportunity to begin again and protect all the hard work we/I did for the past two decades without the OW and her agressive team of lawyers taking more from me than what she has already stolen. Combine that with the fact I am suing her for the actions that caused my divorce and caused the domino effect that ultimately caused our bankruptcy, and we have real damages here, kids.<P>The precedence this lawsuit agianst her will set may have a few OW scurrying for cover and rethinking whether or not it is a good idea to screw a married man rather than find someone single and without baggage. I mean, what are they thinking? Do they really believe these men will leave their wives for them, under any circumstances? Few do. Far more return to their wives.<P>So, that's what's been keeping me busy these past few weeks. I worry about my husband, too, because he is so broken with remorse. I wonder how he manages to function. I read a letter he wrote to the physical therapist for the outstanding job they did putting him back together after his injury on November 3. It was so sad. He thanked them for being nice to him, and thanked them for their kindness and warmth, humor and care as if he were a beaten down dog that had been kicked to near death. I told him, "Don't send it like that, let me help you fix this a little." I rewrote his letter, saying essentially the same thing but without the 'begging' factor. I don't think I have ever in my life ever seen anyone who carried so much regret. He is so sweet and so sad...it breaks my heart. He used to be such a sonovabytch. I hate what this has done to him. He seems to reap every little shred of karma due him without fail.<P>Perhaps now that the bad stuff is over, we will be able to forge ahead and find some happiness, some normalcy and some peace. We are both really excited about the move and the new career opportunity and really have a lot to look forward to and to be grateful for. We're together, we're in love and we are committed.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited February 13, 2001).]

Dear Catnip,<BR>I am both happy and sad for you regarding this momentous event. On one hand I am glad that the ow is no longer able to slip her greasy fingers into your back pocket. On the other, I know that it must be devastating to both you and your h to call quits (at least legally) to your union.<BR>I have said before that I admire your courage in taking this step. I am too cowardly and fearful I guess to do it myself. I like to say that it's because of religious reasons, and partly it is, but to be honest, I would be so scared that all the sleazy ow out there would be lining up to seduce my h now that in their eyes he would be "free." Doesn't say much for my faith in mankind, or my inner strength. the funny part is, I really am confident in my h's loyalty to me. I have nothing to fear but fear itself, and damned if fear doesn't scare me.<BR>But hey, won't courtship be fun. This time maybe you should go for a "theme" wedding, or run off to Vegas. Always wanted to be married by a third-rate Elvis look-alike. Really. Think of what fun it will be to show the wedding album to your kids' dates. If that don't embarass the little buggers, I don't know what will. I personally keep a picture of my oldest son -in the bathtub wearing a ducky hat- for the occassion that he first brings a girl home to meet us.<BR>Ha, ha.<BR>With love, cd

catnip, I too am sad and happy for you at the same time. I also feel the anger everytime I think of what has happened to you and your h. To all of us. I will take so much pleasure when you reach the end of this nightmare that you are living. I to know the saddness that this has caused in our h hearts. I sat last night wondering why something this tragic had to happen for my h to realize how much he loves me. I really dont think to many of us have to worry about this happening again not when you see how this eats at there hearts. So do you think there will be cameras in the court room. What I would pay to see your case maybe payed preview. Ha ha ha hee hee hee I cant wait. Go get her Jane <P> with love flowerseed

Thanks, cd, for your encouraging remarks. You're right; this is a new beginniing. We can rededicate ourselves to each other and plan a small intimate wedding that may, in many ways, be far more meaningful than the first...if that were possible. Our first wedding was extremely emotional and touching and makes me cry just thinking of it. This second wedding will probably have me sobbing uncontrollably! (hahaha)<P>I have to tell you, I am getting a perverse satisfaction over knowing that the OW knows we are divorced and that she knows he is free but will never go to her. She knows, too, that we are together as I send the support checks out of my checkbook and that the telephone testimony comes to our house. So this must just fry her. It must be a gross humiliation to know that a man can't stand the thought of you and refuses to have any contact with you on any level and can't tear himself away from his wife...even when they are divorced. Hahaha<P>Catnip =^^=

Thank you for your support, Flowerseed. I can always count on you to rally on my behalf.<P>Like you, I wonder why it had to come to this to make my husband fall in love with me and recommit to me all over again...it is a shame that the vehicle to get us to this point was such a painful one. I wish I had a crystal ball to get a peek of ten years from now, or ever five, to reassure me that we made the right choice to stay together. It 'feels' right.<P>As for cameras in the courtroom, I don't think so, but I will have someone there to take candid photos outside on the steps and post them on Happy's photo album. I'll try to get a few of the buffalo scratching herself for comic relief.<P>Where is Happy Girl? Still moving? And why haven't we heard a thing from Heavenly??? I am really concerned about her. I wish I had her e-mail.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip, you read my mind I was wondering on happy also. I think heavenly said she was real busy doing taxes. I'll go back and see if I can find the last post. I sent happy a pic that you have got to see if she has your e mail address I ll have her send it to you. I think its gems ow. with love flowerseed

catnip, no that wasnt heavenly it opps. Hope she is ok . with love flowerseed

Catnip,<P>I am so sorry that you have had to do this because of this wh**e. But like everyone has said this also the beginning of a new time in your life. I would throw a renew your vows wedding, no one else has to know that it is for real again, but then you could have your family there with you if you wanted. My best friend got married on the beach in Jamaica, her pictures were beautiful that is a thought also. <P>I hope with a new move, and a new start that you can't take control of your life instead of the New York courts. Hope one of these days she gets hers, and I hope that one day realizes the damage she has caused. It isn't right that your husband like many of ours, walk with all the guilt. While these women act like they won their ticket to the lottery. you are in my prayers. You have to be one of the strongest women I know, this is but a bump in your life, and sooner or later the happy times will wash away this nightmare.<P>babstr.

catnip,<P>hi!! i am so sorry that that terrible woman has caused you all this pain. you are such a wonderful person. it is so unfair. i agree with renewing your vows, your vows are between the 2 of you anyway. not the law. plus you should get some tax benefits??<P>i hope that this new start, the move, etc will give you 2 many more happy years to add to the 22 you have together. you deserve all the happiness there is.<P>love, happy_girl

Catnip,<BR>I started to read your post yesterday and began to cry. I had to come back here today to finish it.<P>You really are a strong minded woman. If I had 1/2 your strength I'd be so cool.<P>I think your 2nd marriage will start a new begining for you and your H. Fresh starts are good.<P>I hope the business can be started again in the future. I hope it flourishes like never before.<P>Bless you two.....<P>So Flowerseed, how can I see this pic? Of ow?<BR>I'm so curious. ha ha..<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, give me somewhere to send it you're going to die laughing. email me at flowerseed@hotmail.com with love flowerseed <p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited February 14, 2001).]

Babstr:<P>The best thing about being the Ex Mrs. Doe is that he loves me so much, he's marrying me twice. I know OW will choke on this information (more perverse satisafaction-makes me sound petty, doesn't it?) <P>I had a fun daydream yesterday that had all of you attending our wedding and we had a wonderful party. All of us there with our attentive loving (remorseful) spouses, all rededicated themselves to all of you while listening to us reaffirming our lives to each other. In a kind of Midsummer Nights Dream kind of fantasy...<P>I made coffee this morning and set out two cards on the cutting block in the kitchen with a plate of fudge I made. My husband walked into the kitchen and said, "oh no, B, please don't...I couldn't even buy you a card..." (The support agency garnished all his wages except for $100 we used for groceries and gas) I told him it didn't matter to me, that I had bought the cards weeks ago and I knew he didn't have any money and I didn't expect he would be able to do anything. We talked about all the other Valentine's Days where he would send me a huge bouquet of cut flowers in a vase, the ruby ring, the cards and love letters...I reminded him he had sent me an e-mail Valentine from work last night...<P>The intent is there, the love is there, the tenderness...it is probably one of the best Valentine's Days we've ever had.<P>Catnip =^^=

Gem: Please don't cry...we have a brand new beginning. I was upset yesterday and the day before, but I feel much differently today.<P>For some lighthearted comic relief, let's all take a look at Flowerseed's OW...hahahaha<P>Happy girl:<P>I can always count on you to champion and support me and the others here. You get so fired up and passionate about injustice...I really like that about you. <P>Catnip =^^=

Well, Catnip, I don't know what to say. You knew what you were doing and you had a good reason to do it but it still had to be so hard to see it final and in writing. I know I will do something like this if I have to. I will do everything in my power to protect my girls just so long as it doesn't send me off to the "Looney bin". You know that I probably worry about this the most, I can not "lose it" I have too much to live for. You are just so strong and can do just about anything, I pray for half of your strength.<P>You seem to be enjoying this day - Valentine's Day and celebrating. I am to a certain extent but am having trouble showing true affection. I love to spoil our girls on every holiday so that shifts it away a bit from the romance part and can give me some breathing room. I figure the weekend after next will be our Valentine to each other and maybe we can make some new memories and dates. I almost wish we did have to divorce and re-marry so I could have a new anniversary date.<P>I rambled, I will quit - hope your Valentine's evening is great, it will be cozy - cuddling weather again !<P>Carrie

Carrie: I don't know about you, but this cozy cuddling weather is turning into cabin fever...makes me wonder how I will fair when I am really in a cabin in the woods next year at this time!<P>I've been thinking a lot about you the last few days and trying to figure out why you hold your husband at arm's length when he is so eager to repair damages and has so much remorse. Though I truly understand your anxiety of what the future holds, I am at a loss as to why you feel a reluctance to connect with him. Is this what you perceive as self preservation? Have you thought this through with a counselor to determine how you think this could save you from hurt? I wish so much you would take comfort in your husband to help you get through this uncertainty...even though he caused it...because he is sincere. <P>Lost 24 seems to have similar discomfort with her husband. Perhaps the two of you could work together to get through these negative feelings...not for your husbands, but for you two. When you look at the big picture, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain. I just think if we all put down our defenses (I know this is a terrifying thing in the face of what we have endured) and tried to open up to our spouses, we may find our husbands to be desparate to connect with us, welcoming our forgiveness and comfort...and what we will receive in return will be amazing.<P>Just a thought.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>PS I am so glad you two are getting away for a weekend together. There is nothing to prevent you from renewing your vows at another time and making that the new anniversary date.

Gosh Catnip you are so damn wise. I love the words you write. It's like you are talking to me too. I wish I could so eloquently (sp) give adice and support to all of the beautiful people here. when I type I feel like I'm rambling.<P>I think it's a great idea that Lost24 & Catnip hook up. I know from personal experience that distrust is the hardest thing to let go of. I struggle with it everyday.<P>Catnip, I'm am tickeled pink that the OW can't touch you. I'm in Georgia and our attorney tells us she can't tough my money here. <P>but gosh, I would love to have a recommittment of vows. But I want to do it on my D-day. so i can override the memories of that day with beautiful ones.<P>Well you know when you do have your remarriage we will all be with you in spirit!<P><BR>Happy Valentine's Day ladies.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.<p>[This message has been edited by zebrababy (edited February 14, 2001).]

Zebra:<P>What a great idea to have a renewal of vows on D-day and replace the pain of those dark days with new memories of love and commitment.<P>I don't think you ramble at all. I think you offer wonderful and positive solutions to those here in pain. Your huge heart is evident with the care and concern you have for each tortured soul. I think in some ways our tragedies have unleashed a compassion each of us had inside of us but was not yet realized until this happened to us. Perhaps we can all draw from this and find ways to reach out to people who have no means to find us on this site. Angelface is doing this for her friend.<P>Thanks, Zebra for your kind words. <P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited February 14, 2001).]

Catnip,<P>I may sound like I am causing a lot more of an emotional distance with my H than I really am. At the beginning of all of this I could not get over how he was my main source of comfort, I just clung to him for comfort and support. Now I still do but at times especially during the week when we are busy and more apart, I feel myself just falling away and having very little feeling other than anxiety. Then the weekend comes just in the nick of time and the closeness reappears and we get a little more back in sync. Part of the problem lately has also been that I seem some of old behavior in him that I really dislike and he doesn't seem like he is trying real hard to make things right. Like everything is going to be fine now, he doesn't need to work so hard. When I brought this up at our last counseling session he said that that was not so, that everyday he is so thankful and he has such remorse for everything and is also wondering what is really happening with the OW. <P>So, I don't know if any of this made any sense but I guess I just wanted to make it clear that I do find comfort in his arms and we are closer than ever. In my mind I am going through a lot and have sort of distanced myself there, so my talk on here may seem more harsh because I let it all out here. I suppose I ahould let it out with him more but I don't like the silence and stare I get when I do let go. I figure what is the point, I'll harbor it.<P>Almost time to leave work - I better do a little more.<P>Thanks for your wonderful words and thoughts, you seem to sort out my head better than me.<P>Carrie

I love you Catnip. I admire your wisdom, insight and tenacity and I am truly blessed to have met you. You know you are in my prayers and I know with undying faith that you and your H will end up just fine.<P>Hey hon send me an invite I would love to come to your wedding.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by carriemom:<BR><B>Part of the problem lately has also been that I seem some of old behavior in him that I really dislike and he doesn't seem like he is trying real hard to make things right. Like everything is going to be fine now, he doesn't need to work so hard. When I brought this up at our last counseling session he said that that was not so, that everyday he is so thankful and he has such remorse for everything and is also wondering what is really happening with the OW.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Carrie, Honey:<P>I understand this completely. I, too, was confused when my husband would back off from constant 'groveling'. I came to expect it and when I didn't get it or I thought if he wasn't giving me enough, I would think his declarations of love and remorse was just a ruse to get back into my good graces. This wasn't the case at all. He was simply emotionally exhausted and needed to back off to in order charge up again...kind of like your portable phone.<P>His need to 'recharge' was in direct conflict with my needing to be "justly compensated" for what he had done to me and to our marriage. In fact, he was ill equipped to make up for the monsterous damage to my satisfaction because frankly, it is humanly impossible to maintain constant compensation. <P>He may desire to make this all up to you with all his heart, but it is exhausting to do this on a daily basis. I do not believe he is falling into old behavior..I think he is just resting. Let him charge up his 'batteries' a little and then see what balm he offers for the wounds.<P>I found this is a cyclical thing, Carrie...like Rainman says "one for good, two for bad". Don't get discouraged, Carrie. I believe him-he means it...from what you have told me.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>