Good Lord Butterfly! What a horrible little piece of work your H tangled with. I cannot imagine what these months have been like for you. You need seperation and protection from all that crap for sure. <P>I don't know too much else to tell you. I think the move would be good. I wish your H would get his butt back home where he belongs. The excuse of making sure she doesn't hurt child is BS! Period. As long as he is there he could also be held liable for anything that happens to her and that child. She sounds like one of these folks who would hurt herslef and claim your H did it. Man... I would be out of there so fast! He needs someone to sit him down and shake him.<P>Oh well. Wish I could say or do more. No wonder your children are so upset with him. Please keep taking care of your health. I know you didn't mean to not eat. But please stay healthy. She CANNOT HAVE YOUR HEALTH! No way. She may think she has a lot, but your peace of mind and health are yours! Take care... Carolyn

Butterfly, Sorry to see you here, but it is the best place to be considering your situation. Like you my husband of then 18 years got involved with a young female person and they had a child, that is 4 mos younger than our youngest. We also have 5 children and he was in the Military.<BR> Today we are together, celebrated our 27th anniversary. The OC and our son are 7 yrs old and have never met. They do not know about each other. None of our children know they have a half-sibling except the oldest now 24.<BR> My questions/ advice for you are as follows:<BR> 1. See a lawyer and get everything in writing. Do not leave him with things unsettled legally.<BR> 2. Remember that as his wife you are entitled to half of his retirement - take it!<BR>You earned it. ( Mine had said I could have it all he felt so guilty about his Affair and the OC).<BR> 3. If you haven't already, get your separation settled before she claims her "share" for the OC. If you read some of the other posts, she may get more than you.<BR> 4. Always remind him that you love him, his children love him and in reality, why should he give them up out of concern for one child? His/your children deserve their father, how can he parent them living miles away from them.<BR> 5. If he has retired, there is nothing she can hold over his head now. Our JAG lawyer told us, prosecution for adultery rarely occurs unless the CG gets slapped in the face with it. In our neighborhood at Ft Knox there were 5 couples who dealt with spouses' who had affairs. Blow you away?<BR> 6. See a lawyer both civilian and military to be sure you are taken care of. In most cases, the wayward spouse comes back once he learns the price of the OW/OC, both emotionally and financially.<BR> This has been to factual not enough emotional support, but I don't like to show emotions. This situation still hurts and I have walked in your shoes even though I wish I had not and I wish you were not in those shoes now. I hope I have given you something to help. <BR> I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you get the things you want.<BR> I am Texasgirl

Texasgirl, 7 years then you have been dealing with this for a while now. How long before ow got thru her head that your h was not going to play daddy to her kid? When he had no contact did she constantly try to get in his wallet sense she couldnt do any furthur damage? Thanks with love flowerseed

cdcollins~<P>I'm sorry to hear you're not eating very much. I do know what you're going through and eating in the evening is better than not eating at all. I was under my doctors care for four months and have maintained my weight, so my doctor said I don't have to try and gain. The relief I felt not having to show everyone I was eating. I had to 'prove' that food was going in and staying in. I can never let myself get to that point again. I have a bicuspid aortic valve that will require heart surgery to replace the valve. Not sure when I'll have this done, the doctors want to wait as long as possible.<P>dolphin~<BR>I have all of the printouts from her website, but there really isn't anything else I can document that she's done. I do have e-mails from when I told Danny about certain things OW (LOL, love that word now) did. I plan on using Plan B from here on out. I did e-mail him the other day when I read her website changes (shouldn't have, but I did) and I still haven't heard from him. Probably won't either. He visits on Sunday's, so I'll make sure I'm either not here, or busy doing stuff to get ready for the move. My H does know that I'm here, basically waiting for him. He has to know that my life is moving forward and I plan on being happy again!! I would love to talk more with you via e-mail. My e-mail address is:<BR>ButterflyKiss2U@aol.com<P>Takingcare~<BR>I believe you're right about my H's motives being BS. I can't for the life of me figure anything out that he's doing. Last Sunday, he told me he thinks we should divorce, that it would be for the best right now. He told me that he wants to remarry me when he gets to Arizona. He was later in the living room talking to our oldest daughter and told her he's going to find a job in AZ and move there with us. Like I said, I can't figure him out. <P>Texasgirl~<BR>I'm so excited you're still with your H!!! That's a victory to be celebrated. I hope to be in your shoes one day soon!!! I really don't want a divorce, but the more I think about it, I better get one before leaving the state. Who knows what he could/would do once I'm gone. He knows I'm so trusting of him. Everyone told me to remove him from our account when he moved the first time and I said "H would NEVER do anything to hurt our kids, he KNOWS we NEED the money." He sure fooled me!! He went on the advice of his attorney and removed all of the money and I still had all of the bills to pay, to include the house payment. I was able to pay the bills with the money I had sat aside for the divorce, but couldn't buy any food or put gas in my car. For that reason, I better go ahead and do it. Gosh, that kills me just thinking about it!!! Currently, I am getting 100% of his retirement money, but that's it. I'm running a household on his retirement, which you know is less than what he brought home before he retired. He has two jobs now and hasn't given me any extra money since last November. I scrape by every month, only by the grace of God. I really don't know how I'm doing it, except that I no longer go 'real' grocery shopping. I buy only what is needed and no extras. I never had to worry about what I spent on food, but today I live in a different world. It's sad for my children and granddaughter. They're use to having everything they wanted to eat. Now it's plain jane sandwiches for the most part. Funny you should mention the JAG office. That's where my H worked and she still works!! I have no problem walking in there as all of my friends still work there. She runs when I walk in, LOL I know she has nothing to hold over him anymore, so I know he's feeding me a line. Stupid me, I've believed EVERYTHING he's been telling me about loving me and wanting to work on our marriage. It was three weeks ago that I asked him if he's told OW that we're working on our marriage. He said no! I told him to either tell her (I'm NOT an OW and I'm NOT a SECRET!!) or never tell me he loves me again!! I didn't hear from him for three weeks, until this last Sunday. He said he has no plans of telling her we're working on us. Well, 'we're' no longer working on us. It was always me anyway, and I'm not doing it anymore. IF he loves me and wants to be with me, he'll have to PROVE himself and his love to me. My H did tell me he'll have the military move me and the kids to AZ. He's entitled to a move after he retires, if the move is done within a year. So, his move is now my move. <P>Now, here's my problem. I have been praying to God to show me what to do, for many months now. The ONLY feeling I get is to wait. I feel as if I'm going against God by moving, but I can't stay here. I have been told that God doesn't care where I wait, just as long as I follow what He is leading me to do. Today, I was talking to a good friend at work, who is also a minister and he thinks I'm going against what God wants if I leave. He says I'm saying I 'believe and trust' in God, yet I go against what God says. I'm lost and confused by this. This man is a great man and knows the bible inside and out. For my own sanity, I have to leave this state!! I can't do it any longer. As long as I'm here, I believe my H will continue to tell me he loves me, yet live with OW (gosh, I really do like that name now flowerseed, ) Any advice out there is greatly welcome.<P>Hugs to all,<P>------------------<BR><B>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown~</B><p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly Kisses (edited February 20, 2001).]

Buterfly Kisses, I cant see how moving is going against God. I think god would rather you go and be free of this hell on earth than to stay were you are at and let your spirit be destroyed.I think when our h realize that we are not going to lay down and be a doormat any more they seem to see you in a diffrent light. My h was the most awfuliest person I had ever meant when he was cheating on me. The sick behavior went on for about 6 months before I finally had enough and told him we were thru I was at the point were I hated him. I think that is what he was trying to acomplish and when he finally did he realized that he didnt want that after all.He then told me the reason for his behavior. He didnt tell me the truth thou I didnt know about the ow being preg until her baby was 2 weeks old 6 months later she called and informed me. She also worked with my h.He had quit that job soon after he told me about cheating on me. Even thou I think he truely wanted to have us a family the way we used to be he still had lied to me about alot of things.I knew she was after him but I trusted that he loved me and our child and would never do what he did.I had even asked many times if this ow was who he had been with and he told me no way. It will be 2 years this May since he told me and its just now getting were I can feel love for him. So I cant see how staying and letting your love for h get distroyed be right. I have learned that I have to go with my heart and trust in what I feel is right if you dont then you will lose yourself and to me that would be a sin. I think thats a good idea to not be there when he comes he needs a rude awakeing.I think we are just to willing to always please and thats what makes our h think we are doormats. Iam not a doormat no more I am that flag you see flying on the flag pole. Butterfly I think this is the longest I have ever posted. Take care of yourself and put your feelings first and things will work out for the best no more doormatts aloud. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Once again Butterfly, I am just overwhelmed by your post. No financial support? And you have all the kids and grandchild with you? I am sorry, I can take a lot, but I will be dammed if my kids will suffer one dang thing over all this, much less food. You are a better woman than I am, cause I think I might have skinned him by now. As I type this I know that there are thousands of women out there who would tell me the same thing about my situation, yet I am still here. You just don't know till you are wearing those sneakers do you?<P>My H has yet to tell OW that he wants to be with me and our kids. This just really sits hard with me. Down deep, like a stone that drops to the bottom of a pond. He can't tell her for some reason. What really bothers me is that I fear he will spend the rest of his life using that same unknown reason to justify all sorts of behavior that I cannot tolerate. I wish I knew the reason. It is like the Rosetta Stone for all that has happened. The clue that puts all this into place and perspective. <P>Hang in there Butterfly. Keep going into the JAG office and scaring the SH-T out of her. Smile a LOT! Laugh and charm everyone there. Let her choke on it. Take care... Carolyn

Flowerseed~<P>I was talking to another friend and she believes as you do, that I should go. I will stay single for the rest of my life (I will NEVER date!! I'm afraid to trust again), so if my H does move there after I do, then maybe we can start to work on our relationship and he will see I'm not a doormat!! I'm so happy things are working out for you and your H. I do know that it was when my H saw that I was making it on my own, without him last August, that he wanted to come back home. He was here for only a month, but I'm telling you, it was the greatest two weeks of our 21 year marriage. The last two weeks were spent with him on the phone with her, every time she called. He had no choice but to talk to her. We didn't want her to turn him in to the military. If I knew then what I know now... We live and learn I guess.<P>Carolyn~<P>I do get his retirement pay, but it's less than what he was bringing home when he was active duty in the Air Force by more than half. I hate that I can't buy my kids the foods they should be eating. My H promised me he would NEVER let me get to that point again, yet here I am again. He told me that he's been buying baby items. Ya know, that's not MY worry or my kids' worry!! I thank God I have what I have though. I know it will get better, I'll make sure it does. Once I sell the house and move, I won't have the big house payment to worry about. I'm so sorry your H is doing what mine is. Sitting on the fence, that's what I call it. When will these men finally see what they are doing to us and to themselves? I do believe that they are hurting, in some sick sort of way. I will keep you in my prayers. Oh, and I do enjoy going into the JAG office!! I always go in with a big smile and talk about how happy I am now. LOL <P>Angel Hugs

Butterfly,<P>I think that you should file for your own CS before this child is born. Especially if you are going to be legally seperated. That way, you get your fair cut before the OW can even begin to get what she thinks she's entitled to. I'm not sure how that would work with his retirement, but does he have another job yet? It would give you a percentage of that pay as well. Just a suggestion as to how you can support your kids and grandchild easier than with out any financial support at all. After all, you are the one who has been betrayed, and deserve everything you can get!!<P>Just a suggestion.<P>Tigger

Butterfly, What is the JAG office? If your h has money for buying baby things you go after him and make him pay for the babies he already has. I read that and it breaks my heart that he can be so selfish towards you and your children. It really does seem to wake them up when they see you can make it and be happy with out them. Sure wish things didnt have to be so hard. I never had to deal with h having anything more to do with ow after he told me. I really dont think I could have took what is being done to you. We didnt start to really heal until my h got thru his head that there would be no more lies. At this point that is my big problem is letting go and believing in him again. I pray that soon your h will see what a fool he is being and comes home to you and his family. with love flowerseed

Tigger~<BR>I plan on filing for CS. We have gone long enough without!! I just had to put glasses for me, my son and my daughter. That hit hard in the lean budget.<P>Flowerseed~<BR>JAG stands for Judge Advocate General in the military. It's the legal office on base. I'm so glad you didn't have to go through more pain after your H told you!! How I wish my H was that smart! Actually, he's a very smart man, but that man must be sleeping somewhere within him. I don't know what he's going to do with his future, but I have to start carving out my future!<P>Have to run, I'm late. Ugh...<P>Hugs<P>------------------<BR><B>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown~</B>

Hey Butterfly, I just read all the posts after mine, you arre getting a lot of support. When we went thru this "insanity" my brothers told me to go out and find the meanest, ***** of a lawyer, that another woman would fight for me better than a man. I went to a lady lawyer who told me what I was entitled to and what I would get if we proceeded. Then I went to Social Services on the base we lived on and set up an appointment for us. iasked him to come. We went thru some excruciating sessions where I heard him tell me he was not "in love' with me. I explained to him that if I filed for divorce he would pay for the next22 years, because I was going to demand he pay for all the children's education.<BR> Also, since I was pregnant at the time, no judge would allow a judgement until the baby was born. Iasked if was pprepared to never see his children again, because I would be in TX and he would be in NC or Pa or CO?<BR> Reality began to hit him in the face. His sweet young thing was not worth our 18 year relationship and our children. <BR> From my experience it was playing "hardball" that got us where we are.<BR> I never stopped telling him that I loved him and I thought he loved me if he would look for that love. His children loved him. I also told him that once I signed divorce papers, there would be no going back. I would not take him back. I also reminded him how his family and mine would react to his affair and his child. His father had told him that divorce was not in his vocabulary once our 2nd oldest child, 2nd son, was born. that child was 16 at this time. So, here we are. He tells me he loves me every day/morning. Is still trying to make up for his MMISTAKE. Gotta go now, will answer more later.

Texasgirl~<P>Your H made the right move by staying with you. My H had the OW threatening his retirement every second of the day. Now he says he's worried about what she'll do to the baby. I'm starting to think that was just a line he fed me, more crumbs. I'm not falling for it anymore. I know he loves me, but just not sure how deep his love for me is anymore. I don't even know this man anymore. I do know he's NOT the H I've been with for 22 years (married 21). <P>I do have an attorney already. When my H left last June, he filed for divorce two weeks after leaving. When he moved back home two months later, we stopped the divorce (Big mistake, but I thought he was home for good). I filed for divorce last October when he moved in with her, but he asked me to postpone it in November. It's been on hold since then. My atty is a woman and she's great!! She's with one of the biggest firms in the city. I have to wait to get my tax refund (still need to file those) to give her more money to finish the divorce. I found out the other day that if my H signs a waiver, we can be divorced in 30 days. I'm going to check into that. The sooner, the better for me. I still don't want a divorce, but I want him to know I'm NOT taking this anymore. <P>I do have a lot of support here and I'm so very grateful to everyone here!! <P>Hugs to you!<BR>Tammy<P>------------------<BR><B>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown~</B>