Obbie... I am laughing so hard I almost wet my pants! <P>You don't have to be hispanic to have this birthday party scene! Ha! Music from the truck of the car. You girls are keeping me on this board all day today! <P>Carolyn

oooohhh....how wicked you all are...hee, hee!!<P>I got a good (really bad) one for you:<P>This husband and wife have been married for a few years and everything's really great. Only one slight problem, the wife's sexual libido is much higher then most, she often feels 'deprived' if they don't have sex twice a day. Even though the husband gets pretty worn out at times, he enjoys this quality in his wife. <P>The only problem is that his job takes him out of town for a week at a time now and then. When he returns, his wife is so sex crazed he has to take a few days off from work to recover. Not to mention he feels bad that she was so physically lonely while he was gone.<P>So.....before his next business trip he stopped by an adult store. Not having much experience at shopping for such things, he asked the salesman for guidance. After telling the salesman about his wife, the manager said he had just the thing. He took the husband to a dark basement, pulled out a really old box and blew off the dust. He told the husband that this seemingly ordinary dildo was a 'VooDoo Penis'. All that his wife had to do was say 'voodoo penis, Vagina' and she'd be in for the time of her life. To make it stop, say 'voodoo penis, box'. In other words, it went where ever told.<P>The husband brougt it home for is wife, told her how to use it, and left for his trip the next day feeling good that his wife wouldn't feel quite so bad while he was gone. A few days after he had left, the wife couldn't take it anymore. She missed her husband terribly, and thought to herself that the voodoo penis was better then nothing. She opened the box, said 'voodoo penis, vagina' and just as the salesman had promised, she really enjoyed herself. So much in fact that she forgot how to make it stop. Luckily, her husband came home early the next day. He saw his wife, still w/ the voodoo penis working its magic, and he was so worried about her(she looked really worn out) he forgot how to make it stop, too.<P>He carried her to the car, and sped away to the hospital. As it always happens when you're rushing somewhere, he got pulled over by a police officer. The cop wasn't sure what to think when he looked in the car, especially as the wife (she was wearing a dress so the voodoo penis wasn't visible, but she was carring on terribly). He thought they were up to something and was about to search the car for drugs, etc. The husband, really in a rush, told the officer everything that had happened. The officer's reaction? "Voodoo Penis, my *ss!!!" <P>

I got another one!<P>You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.<BR> <BR>Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to<BR>have one specially made.<BR> <BR>"So what did you do?" I asked.<BR> <BR>"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."<BR>

Okay this one is good I mean real good. Man do not feel bad it is only a joke and I do know there are some great Mr. Moms out there. Love Ya All, Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?<P>> * 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6<BR>> weeks<BR>> * Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes<BR>> * There is no access to fast food<BR>> * Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,<BR>> correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.<BR>> * The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and<BR>> all<BR>> chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no<BR>> remote.<BR>> * The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must<BR>> apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches<BR>> * They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick<BR>> children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a<BR>> tortilla and<BR>> one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas<BR>> * The kids vote them off based on performance<BR>> * The winner gets to go back to his job<BR>

Q. What do you get when you cross <BR>Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? <BR>A. A red headed bi*** with a yeast <BR>infection. <BR>

I am truely rolling on the floor! Seeing as that me and all three of my sisters are redheads. I will be repeating this one a lot! Carolyn

up, up, and away!!

You guys are too funny. My H read these with me last night and Ohbratti...he could Not stop laughing at the little NICO joke. I mean me would stop and pretend he was going to keep reading and he just couldnt! He kept laughing! It was pretting funny...actually as much as I liked your joke, he was funnier..lol<P>Im still trying to think of one...I can never remember these things...

Ok I cheated and went to look at things Ive saved in my email account and this one was pretty funny....<P>WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?<P>PAT BUCHANAN<BR>To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.<P>JERRY FALWELL<BR>Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what "they" call it, "the other side". yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott al chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be free to cross the road. Its as plain and simple as that.<P>DR. SEUSS<BR>Did teh chicken cross the road?<BR>Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road,<BR>But why it crossed, I've not been told!<P>ERNEST HEMINGWAY<BR>To die. In the rain.<P>MARTIN LUTHER KING JR<BR>I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.<P>GRANDPA<BR>In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.<P>ARISTOTLE<BR>It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.<P>KARL MARX<BR>It was a historical inevitability.<P>SADDAM HUSSAIN<BR>This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.<P>RONALD REAGAN<BR>What chicken?<P>CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK<BR>To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.<P>FOX MULDER<BR>You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?<P>FREUD<BR>The fact that you are at all concerned about the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.<P>BILL GATES<BR>I have just released E-Chicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of E-Chicken.<P>EINSTEIN<BR>Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?<P>BILL CLINTON<BR>I want you to listen to me. I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?<P>GEORGE W BUSH<BR>I don't think I should have to answer that question.<P>LOUIS FARRAKHAN<BR>The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.<P>THE BIBLE<BR>And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.<P>ACCOUNTANT<BR>So he could claim the extra mileage deduction.<P>CONSULTANT<BR>So he could cross back again again later and charge the client for doing a transportation survey.<P>COLONEL SANDERS<BR>I missed one?<P>Hope yall enjoy and noone takes offense. I havent yet figured out how to cut and paste, so this was all hand typed. My fingers are dying!<P>Love<BR>bw

Here's a few:<P>#1:<BR>A pupil told his kindergarten teacher that he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was a live or dead.<P>"Dead." She was informed.<P>"How do you know?" She asked.<P>"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.<P>"You did what?" Squealed the teacher in surprise.<P>"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move."<P>#2:<P>LIVING IN THE 00'S<BR>><BR>>You know you're living in the 00's when: -<BR>><BR>>1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.<BR>><BR>>2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.<BR>><BR>>3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of<BR>>three.<BR>><BR>>4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.<BR>><BR>>5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that<BR>>they do not have e-mail addresses.<BR>><BR>>6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer<BR>>the phone in a business manner.<BR>><BR>>7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert<BR>>a "9" to get an outside line.<BR>><BR>>8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three<BR>>different companies.<BR>><BR>>9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.<BR>><BR>>10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.<BR>><BR>>11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.<BR>><BR>>12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was<BR>>when you lost all of your best jokes.<BR>><BR>>13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability<BR>>to do your job.<BR>><BR>>14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and<BR>>are more likely to get long-service awards.<BR>><BR>>15. Board members salaries are higher than all<BR>>the Third World countries annual budgets combined.<BR>><BR>>16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or<BR>>experience, terminate the interview when told of the<BR>>starting salary.<BR>><BR>>17. Free food left over from meetings is your<BR>>staple diet.<BR>><BR>>18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop<BR>>with all the latest features, while you have time to go for<BR>>lunch while yours boots up.<BR>><BR>>19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or<BR>>you're in hospital.<BR>><BR>>20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent<BR>>staff your department desperately needs, but they can<BR>>afford four full-time management consultants advising your<BR>>boss's boss on strategy.<BR>><BR>>21. Your relatives and family describe your<BR>>job as "works with computers".<BR>><BR>>AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..<BR>><BR>>22. You read this entire list, and kept<BR>>nodding and smiling.<BR>><BR>>23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your<BR>>"friends"<BR>><BR>>24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group<BR>>may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so<BR>>you forward it anyway.<BR>><BR>>25. You got this email from a friend that<BR>>never talks to you anymore, except<BR>>to send you jokes from the net.<BR>><BR>>26 . You sent this to yourself at home , so you could forward it<BR>>to friends that aren't in your address book at work .<P>

Wow it is after midnight here and I am still posting!!!!<P>Here are a couple more:<P>A Woman's Prayer<BR>Now I lay me down to sleep,<BR>I pray for a man, who's not a creep<BR>One who's handsome, smart and strong<BR>He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong<BR>One who thinks before he speaks.<BR>When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks. <BR>I pray that he is gainfully employed,<BR>Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.<BR>Pulls out my chair & opens my door,<BR>Massages my back & begs to do more. <BR>Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.<BR>Knows what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"<BR>One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'.<BR>He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen! <BR>I pray that this man will love me to no end,<BR>And would never compare me with my best friend.<BR>Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,<BR>for I know You will send him before it's too late. <BR>Amen <P><BR>#2:<BR>Subject: Alarming, but accurate information<BR>Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2001 20:17:31 -0800<P><BR>Here are some statistics that are hard to believe<P>Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500<BR>employees and has the following statistics:<BR> <BR>29 have been accused of spousal abuse<BR>7 have been arrested for fraud<BR>19 have been accused of writing bad checks<BR>117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses<BR>3 have done time for assault<BR>71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit<BR>14 have been arrested on drug-related charges<BR>8 have been arrested for shoplifting<BR>21 are currently defendants in lawsuits<BR>84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year<P>Can you guess which organization this is?<P><BR>Give up yet?<P><BR> <BR>It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.<P>....and we wonder why there are not enough laws to protect the victims and their families!<P>Have a nice day!!<BR>L.<P>

Ok, last one for the night. <P>God's Children by Bill Cosby <BR>> <BR>> Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the<BR>> thought <BR>> that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. <BR>> After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. <BR>> And the first thing he said was: "Don't." <BR>> "Don't what?" Adam replied. <BR>> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. <BR>> "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? <BR>> Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!" <BR>> "No way!" <BR>> "Yes way!" <BR>> "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. <BR>> "Why?" <BR>> "Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he<BR>> hadn't <BR>> stopped after making the elephants. <BR>> A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. <BR>> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked. <BR>> "Uh huh, " Adam replied. <BR>> "Then why did you?" <BR>> "I dunno" Eve answered. <BR>> "She started it!" Adam said. <BR>> "Did not!" <BR>> "Did too!" <BR>> "DID NOT!!" <BR>> Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve<BR>> <BR>> should have children of their own. <BR>> Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. <BR>> But there is reassurance in this story. <BR>> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they <BR>> haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. <BR>> If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a <BR>> piece of cake for you? <BR>> <BR>> Advice for the day: <BR>> If you have a lot of tension <BR>> and you get a headache, <BR>> do what it says on the aspirin bottle... <BR>> <BR>> Take two and keep away from children. <BR>> <BR>L.

The Boob Poem <P>For years and years they told me, <BR>Be careful of your breasts. <BR>Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. <BR>And give them monthly tests. <P>So I heeded all their warnings, <BR>And protected them by law. <BR>Guarded them very carefully, <BR>And I always wore my bra. <P>After 30 years of astute care, <BR>My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, <BR>Said I should get a Mammogram. <BR>"O.K," I said, "let's do it." <P>"Stand up here real close" she said, <BR>(She got my boob in line), <BR>"And tell me when it hurts," she said, <BR>"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." <P>She stepped upon a pedal, <BR>I could not believe my eyes! <BR>A plastic plate came slamming down, <BR>My hooter's in a vise! <P>My skin was stretched and mangled, <BR>From underneath my chin. <BR>My poor boob was being squashed, <BR>To Swedish Pancake thin. <P>Excruciating pain I felt, <BR>Within it's vise-like grip. <BR>A prisoner in this vicious thing, <BR>My poor defenseless tit! <P>"Take a deep breath" she said to me, <BR>Who does she think she's kidding?!? <BR>My chest is mashed in her machine, <BR>And woozy I am getting. <P>"There, that's good," I heard her say, <BR>(The room was slowly swaying.) <BR>"Now, let's have a go at the other one." <BR>Have mercy, I was praying. <P>It squeezed me from both up and down, <BR>It squeezed me from both sides. <BR>I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, <BR>To HER tender little hide. <P>Next time that they make me do this, <BR>I will request a blindfold. I <BR>have no wish to see again, <BR>My knockers getting steamrolled. <P>If I had no problem when I came in, <BR>I surely have one now. <BR>If there had been a cyst in there, <BR>It would have gone "ker-pow!" <P>This machine was created by a man, <BR>Of this, I have no doubt. <BR>I'd like to stick his balls in there, <BR>And see how THEY come out. <BR>

Bridge to Hawaii<P>A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. <P> The genie said, "OK,OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah." <P> This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a <BR> bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"<P> The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.<P> Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're<BR> crying, know what they really want when they say nothing.... know how to make them truly happy...."<P> The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Stand by your Man:<P>Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally ragained his <BR>consciousness and came around, he weakly motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you <BR>were still by my side... You know what?"<BR> <BR> "What dear?" she asks gently.<BR> <BR>"I think you bring me bad luck."

The Husband & wife:<P> A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not <BR>be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. <P>The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." Next they goover and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Finally they go to the jewelry department <BR>and get diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but O.K. if you like it then let's get it. The wife <BR>is jumping up and down so excited she cannot believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No, honey we're not going to BUY all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets red and she is about to explode and then the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!!"

I got one from Sailorman.<P>Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly <BR>hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life <BR>started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from <BR>one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country <BR>doctor who solved the problem. <P>"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it <BR>will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes <BR>your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the <BR>pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the <BR>pressure is to remove the testicles." <P>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live <BR>for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he <BR>had no choice but to go under the knife. <P>When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first <BR>time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part <BR>of himself. <P>As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a <BR>different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. <P>He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a <BR>new suit." <P>He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The <BR>elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 <BR>long." <P>Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" <P>"Been in the business 60 years!" <P>Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in <BR>the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" <P>Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." <P>The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and <BR>a half neck." <P>Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" <P>"Been in the business 60 years!" <P>Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the <BR>collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" <P>Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." <P>The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E." <P>Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" <P>"Been in the business 60 years!" <P>Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably <BR>around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new <BR>underwear?" <P>Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." <P>The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's <BR>see...size 36." <P>Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 <BR>years old." <P>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press <BR>your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one <BR>hell of a headache." <P>

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.<P>"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you<BR>will have to pay the costs yourselves."<P>"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.<P>"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."<P>Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"<P>"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.<BR>"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

I've been laughing my head off! Now, how about this one about an OW-wannabee and the Professor? Wish MY H had the morals to turn down the offer!<P>Early in the semester, a student stops by during the professor's office hours. He bids her enter. She glances up and down the hall, steps in, closes the door and says, "I would do anything to pass this class." <P>She steps closer to his desk, flips back her hair, gazes<BR>meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do...anything."<P>He returns her gaze. "Anything?"<P>"Anything," she replies.<P>The professor's voice drops to a whisper and he says,<BR>"Would you...study?"

Hi,<P>Here are a few more......<P> Subject: KIDS AND RELIGION<BR> Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 15:02:38 -0700<P> *****<BR> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running<BR> as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible<BR> class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't<BR> let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be<BR> late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on<BR> a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing<BR> her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and<BR> started running again. As she ran she once again began<BR> to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...<BR> But please don't shove me either!"<P> *****<BR> A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon<BR> dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her<BR> mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the<BR> money now, will he let us go?"<P> *****<BR> A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You<BR> can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm<BR> having a real good time like I am!"<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their<BR> fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few<BR> words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they<BR> give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing.<BR> My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he<BR> calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy<BR> says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few<BR> words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And<BR> it takes eight people to collect all the money!"<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to<BR> hear about all the men she could have married, and she<BR> didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.<BR> <BR> *****<BR> An elderly woman died last month. Having never<BR> married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her<BR> handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she<BR> wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I<BR> don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What<BR> would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He<BR> said, "Call for backup."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before<BR> she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it<BR> necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,<BR> "Because people are sleeping."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and<BR> Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child<BR> replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten<BR> Commandments with her five and six year olds. After<BR> explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and<BR> thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that<BR> teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"<BR> Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou<BR> shall not kill."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created<BR> everything, including human beings. Little Johnny<BR> seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve<BR> was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the<BR> week his mother noticed him lying down as though he<BR> were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little<BR> Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm<BR> going to have a wife."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after<BR> hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to<BR> the other, "What do you think about all this Satan<BR> stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how<BR> Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."<P> *****<BR> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running<BR> as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible<BR> class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't<BR> let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be<BR> late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on<BR> a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing<BR> her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and<BR> started running again. As she ran she once again began<BR> to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...<BR> But please don't shove me either!"<P> *****<BR> A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon<BR> dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her<BR> mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the<BR> money now, will he let us go?"<P> *****<BR> A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You<BR> can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm<BR> having a real good time like I am!"<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their<BR> fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few<BR> words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they<BR> give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing.<BR> My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he<BR> calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy<BR> says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few<BR> words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And<BR> it takes eight people to collect all the money!"<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to<BR> hear about all the men she could have married, and she<BR> didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.<BR> <BR> *****<BR> An elderly woman died last month. Having never<BR> married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her<BR> handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she<BR> wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I<BR> don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What<BR> would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He<BR> said, "Call for backup."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before<BR> she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it<BR> necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,<BR> "Because people are sleeping."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and<BR> Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child<BR> replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten<BR> Commandments with her five and six year olds. After<BR> explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and<BR> thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that<BR> teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"<BR> Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou<BR> shall not kill."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created<BR> everything, including human beings. Little Johnny<BR> seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve<BR> was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the<BR> week his mother noticed him lying down as though he<BR> were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little<BR> Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm<BR> going to have a wife."<BR> <BR> *****<BR> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after<BR> hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to<BR> the other, "What do you think about all this Satan<BR> stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how<BR> Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."<P>