See this is what I am talking about, I never said that he could not see this child, that was my H choice, but OM also made the choice of letting my H raise her, suspecting he would never find out about the A. I am the one who was never left with a choice, along with my H at first. He never asked my to have an abortion, which I would not have had, I don't agree with it, I would not have considered putting her up for adoption as I was willing to take the risk of losing my M for the love of my child. Don't tell me that I do not have her best interest in mind. Why am I being blasted for stating my OPINION when I have never said anything regarding any of YOUR(S) situation? It seems to me that as long as everyone agrees that someone elses points are right no one elses matter. There is no anger, just confusion. Anyways, I keep reading about the crashers, who are the crasher? I get the feeling you all are talking about me, since I came in at the time it all started. Why not be willing to listen to everyone's opinion, that's the joy of communication. You don't have to agree, not everyone thinks the same way.

Justlearning, I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I am just trying to get by day by day, with my betrayed H at my side, with our innocent kids who know nothing of the pain and fury behind our closed doors, to stay. I stay and to do that I must accept a multitude of sins: the affair, the complete disrespect by H and OW for me and my kids, the complete lack of compassion for having the child and anticipating the effect on our kids when she asked for CS and hovers looking to gain entrance into our family and taking 1100 month out of our family fund-half of that monthly payment is mine, as I remind my H often-the fact she was in our house, spoke to my kids, acted like she was a friend.all the while she was doing something to hurt them and me. Do you think that is easy?no, and it never will be. I do not know OW, do not care to know her, have no feelings for her at all positively. Do I care that I do not? No. But I do care deeply for my family, my kids, and am trying to rekindle those for H. That will take all my energy to manage. and I cannot manage to deal with the other innocent child here, the OC. I leave that to her mother, because for gosh sake she has done nothing to help my kids ease the pain and disregarded them the entire years of affair. Likewise she can care for her child, I will care for mine thank you.

RY<P>Why are you wasting your time with OM. You should be focusing 110% of you attention on your forgiving husband. To your husband that child you bore is the "other child" it is not his. Many husbands would throw their unfaithful wife and her child out the door. Regarding the OM I think you doth protest too much. Forget him and focus on what you, by the grace of God, still have.<P>

RY,<P>I think I've got it now. I'll explain in just a moment.<BR> <BR>First, I would like to suggest to you that you are not being blasted here. You have been accepted here, how do I know? Look at all of the posts to you, about your situation, offering advice, comfort, etc. I know you don't agree with it all, no one expects you to. Your H posted a very interesting and difficult post about ethics, he got responses. The people responding are not so much worried if he agrees or not, and he doesn't worry too much if people posting to him agree.<P>The purpose of this site, is in my mind two fold. One, to offer advice, comfort, more advice, and the view that people are not alone. The second purpose is to let the poster vent, get out of their system what is bothering them. This latter purpose is helped by the fact that in order to vent, you must organize your thoughts, and you do get feedback.<P>Now to the issue. I have been puzzled about why your posts bother me, kind of set my teeth on edge. Now recall I have never been in either yours nor your H's position. I think I have figured it out. Let me quote from one of your most recent posts.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am not saying that those of you who do not want the OC/IC in your lives are wrong, who am I to say what is<BR>right for you, all I am saying is there is still a child out there who has a "father", as in my case her "father" is someone else's H. Why does that change the fact that it is still their father? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is your use of the term "father" for the OM, that bothers me so much. Technically, you are right, he "fathered" the child. But I guess to me that term means so much more. My father is deceased, but to me what I owe and revere him for as my "father" is not that I am alive, but what he did for me once I was alive. What he taught me, what he showed me, how he provided for me, my siblings, and my mother. So much more. He was my hero RY, but that had nothing to do with being a sperm donor.<P>I guess it is my problem. I cannot see your OM being a "father" to your child. I can see your H doing it, and I think your H wants the role of being looked at as this childs "father", although technically he didn't "father" the child.<P>So it is simply symmantics RY, that is bothering me. It makes me think that you want OM to be your D's "father". I am beginning to see that this may not be the case. But also recall or rather recognize that many times when a child is conceived in this situation the Mother bonds with the OM and has difficulty letting go. <P>This would seem not to be your situation, but I and others are probably reacting to your choice of words as if it <B>MIGHT be </B>. Hence all of the warnings about letting your H be the only man in your childs life.<P>Well, how did I do? Did I finally break the code? Do I understand where you are coming from and what was triggering my response to you? I hope so.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Regretfully Yours:<BR><B> No, Mary did not have an A, but she did have a child by "someone" else while M, did she not? I am just saying that any man willing to take on another man's responsiblity is looked apon inmy eyes as someone very special, someone willing to look beyond their own selfish needs to attend to the needs of a child, regardless who that child belongs too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just to clear up something here...Mary and Joseph were not married when the immaculent conception occured. There were no dna or blood tests back then. The fear for Mary's reputation was not that it was someone else's child..since that could not have been proven, but that it was a child out of wedlock.<BR> And you state that she had a child by someone else like that is the same thing that you did. The difference here is #1 We are talking about a miracle and our salvation and I can not believe I am having this conversation and #2 Mary did not have sex with God to get pregnant. <P>Now you are right that it takes someone special to be a parent to a child that is not biologically their's. But guess what, I have done it also. I have a step-daughter that I knew about. I had a choice in decided if I wanted to be a part of her life and I love her very much. <P>Now lets look at our selfish needs here for a minute....obviously you are very upset OM not being in your child's life bc you are actually debating this on a marriage building forum. You should logically be on here talking about your marriage and what you are doing to make it better...instead you are obsessing over OM's "responsibilities" and the fact that he is getting away "scott free". You mentioned in another post that he is even getting away with it at home bc W isnt mad. How do you know that? Should she be telling you what is going on in HER home? You need to be worried about what is going on in you r house not hers. Be grateful for what you've got. A loving H who is willing to work with you on this mess....<P>Now were my H's needs "selfish" bc his need was not to go after oc to no lengths? I think not. Even if it was totally his decision to have nothing to do with oc I would still have total respect for him. I am his wife. We took a sacred vowel before God "til death do us part". We have become one. That is his #1 priority according to God. Look it up. Pray about it ..whatever..it doesnt matter since I know and he knows what is most important. Do not judge someone because they do not put one child in front of wife and other children.<P>bw<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited May 07, 2001).]

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WHy all the emphasis on BIOLOGY???????<BR>if you were artificially inseminated would you expect the donor to be responsible and care and feel for this child he knows nothing of????<P>I don't know mine and others here were like one night stands <BR>A daddy is the one who is there for you<BR>A child born out of love and into love is the greatest thing<BR>When someone was right there with you for every moment of preg, every late night feeding, first step, first words<BR>those things dont happen on every other weekend visitation<BR>When you don;t know and love the op you dont really know the child unless you are the one there with it every day<P>it seems maybe you had some real feelings for your om that it hurts you so much that his wife is not mad that he chooses not to put all those children in a less than perfect situation<P>maybe he didn't mean for it to be but it is good for your daughter to have her daddy your husband<BR>Theres really no room for om in your lives so be happy<BR>preventing her from confusion and heartache<BR>there s really no room for her in his family it would just make things awkward for many people<P>It was just a bad situation that there is no RIGHT answer for everyone<BR>but you seem to be blaming him only!!! it does take two and were the possibilities and decisions done together or not<P><BR>As a woman we can't understand how men can not feel the intense bond we do <BR>BUT we carry them inside for 9 months we feel them<BR>its different sometimes a man cant be a father in these situations so let your daughter and your marriage be happy<BR>Its hard for children if their parents didn't love each other Your daughter has parents that do, be happy <BR>FOrget biology<BR>its really not that much

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Regretfully Yours:<BR><B>It actually sounded better than a soap opera, my H talking to Om while OM was shaking, sweating, he was not even able to make full sentences over three words. How pathetic is that? I actually feel sorry for his W, other than the obvious. My H said it looked like OM would have p*ssed his pants. <P>The kicker, even more funny than the first part, that if my marriage doesn't work out with my H I can still go after OM for CS. He deserves ALL the misery he is in!! Sorry, sad little man. The only thing he was even remotely good for was producing a beautiful baby girl. I pray the only thing she has inhereited from was her looks and not any of the sorry sick little traits that make him a piece of s*it for a human being. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You sound so bitter and mean-spirited, RY. What did OM do to you besides staying with his wife and rebuffing you? It had to be really, really, really awful.<P>Catnip >^..^<<P>

RY,<BR> But, the OM <B>won't</B> get off scott free!<P> You and your husband can raise this child as yours and HIS. Your H <B>IS</B> Hannah's daddy! So, I think that you and he should raise Hannah to be a happy, healthy, caring, moral, and productive human being who KNOWS that the only daddy who really matters is the one who has <B>SHOWN</B> her that he loves her just for being herself and not just because he donated half of her genetic heritage.<P> Don't worry about the OM getting off scott free. I figure that his wife just doesn't want you to know how much she's been hurt....maybe afraid that if she shows her pain, you're the type woman who might take advantage. I'm not saying that you are, but she might think so.<P> Anyway, as people get older, they generally start reflecting on how they've lived their lives. At some point 20 or so years from now, the OM may realize what a wonderful young woman you and your H have raised and also realize that while he donated the sperm, he had NO PART in helping her become the wonderful young adult that he will see. And, if you do tell your daughter the truth, she may understand that he is not anywhere near HALF the man her REAL DADDY (your H) is. That would just have to eat him alive, don't you think?<P> He's not getting by scott free. You and your H have your daughter; he doesn't. He loses. By going after him for CS, he may lose money, but you may lose even more by allowing this worm of a man access to YOUR child.<P> Raise your daughter together and love her. Let your H <B>BE</B> her daddy!<P>LC

Regretfully,<BR>You sound more and more like our ow. She, also continues on and on about how my H should call her and they should parent together because"she is the mother and H is the father".<P>She doesn't get it. H begged her to abort. That she kept baby is proof to him now that her motives were not moral, they were to get him to feel guilty and leave me.<P>Didn't work.<P>The day H moved home she began her barage of letters and phone calls, to me and H. She insists we be at the baptism or rather H be there "for his son". She actually thinks all of our families should do things together for the baby to have a normal life. How normal is that thinking?<P>It's not good enough she can call me and we will get that beautiful child whenever she wishes....no....she wants H to call....doesn't understand why H avoids her....she is stuck on H instead of her own H and other 3 children whose father fled to Fla. when she threw him out. Even though he said he'd raise baby.<P>Your focus should be on your marriage now. On raising your baby to be a kind and loving adult. Without shame.<BR>Please RY, leave the om alone. When you kept your baby you sealed her fate,OK? How else could things have turned out? OM told you he didn't want her.<P>Bless you and your family. I will pray for you.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....