Gem, sorry to be so late in offering my thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. Stay strong, for yourself and your son. You are lucky to have such a wonderful sister, mine have been great to me also. It is such a joy to have family that loves and cares, concetrate on this, the good in life, through good will come more good. Peace, Gabi1116

Catnip,<BR>We answered that question in counseling half a dozen times.<P>H said he could not live w/knowing he had flesh and blood C on earth and didn't let it know him.<P>H said he would do what he could so C wouldn't hate him for situation.<P>I wasn't listening close enough. H wants C at the cost of our marriage. I mean that nothing is going to stop him from being a "good father".<P>He will blame me I'm sure for divorce and get rid of his guilt at the same time. Saying he had to do what was right for little baby....ya know?<P>H is working our son...I see it. Son has talked to H and is calmer and nicer. Now H will have two sons in his life.<P>I dreamt last night H was trying to get me back. I felt no emotion for him. Nothing but numbness where hope once was. What he did this past week hardened my heart to where I can't forgive. I'm sure in his mind he felt it was over too so he may as well continue to please himself.<P>No pizza boy there Catnip....Just another "son". And a true Italian...no mix of Irish there....I can see the proudness in his face now..... That's ok. My Dad loved his 1/2 Irish daughters....still does. <P>Thanks ISB and Gabbi.<P>I'm gonna be ok. It's just when?????<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem,<P>I am so sorry that things have fallen apart for you. It must be very difficult to decide when you have tolerated all you can tolerate.<P>Maybe other posters are right and your husband must experience the pain of your leaving to become aware of what he is losing. I hope that that is the case. <P>My father reminded me once during all of this that filing for separation is not the same thing as filing for divorce and that filing for divorce does not mean that reconciliation is possible. <P>I think that God's plan for all of us is reunification and happy marriages. That doesn't mean that we fragile, flawed human beings can't mess up God's plan. We do it all the time and it sounds like your husband has certainly crossed over your line of what you can tolerate.<P>I wish you peace. The peace that passes all understanding.<P>Mrs. Job

Gem, <P>Our situations are so similar, it's eerie. You are a step further along, however, in that you have begun the divorce process. Oh, Gem..dear Gem....How in the world did we ever end up in this situation? H and I have been married 26 years, and even though I have known about A for 2.5 years, I STILL have moments of disbelief that all of this has actually happened, and I'll bet you feel the same way at times.<P>I found your comment interesting that you believe that your H intends to be a father to the OC, even if it means the end of your marriage. That is exactly how things are in my situation. H just will not even consider giving up OC. Says he loves me and wants our marriage, but must "be a father" to his child. Down deep, I believe there is more to it than that. I think he still cannot bear to completely break all contact w/OW forever.<P>I too am fed up with having to do all the "adjusting" and "accepting." I know what you mean when you say that you expect to "get over it" and eventually heal, but my questions are the same as yours: When? How many more years will this pain intrude in my life and the lives of my sons? <P>Perhaps we can be a source of strength and support for each other as we pursue our respective re-births as human beings. I have not yet reached the point of walking away, but I think it's getting closer and closer. As my counselor suggested to me when I responded to his question of why I stayed in this miserable situation, "Is it love, or habit?" After 26+ years, maybe being the devoted wife is more habit than love. <P>Anyway, no real point to me reply. Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and am so very sad for the pain you are feeling.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{Gem}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>love, anniem

gem and anniem, I can well understand how you both feel. I feel the same way. Why is it that the BS must do all the adjusting? I also fear so much for the harm all this affair/ OC business will do to my innocent, sweet children.I have been married nearly as long as you both, but children are young, ages 8 and 4, and when I see their sweet faces, I think if the A/OC is exposed to them, the wrong perpetrated byH and OW will tarnish them as well. I can't have that happen to my sweet, lovely children. I know H made a big mistake, but it is bad enough I have to deal with it, I cannot allow it to touch their lives.And therein lies my big obstacle to allowing OC anywhere near our lives. I do not want OC to tarnish it,and to explain its existence by H's mistake to my children or anyone else in my life. Doen't your husbands see that what they did was very wrong and amoral to their original family-and they owe their original family some restitution? That is how I see it.Without some giving to that original family, I think the needs of H who was the betrayer still supersedes the others in family.What happened to POJa? I pray my H and I can continue to do nothing with OC, I pray OC will move out of area, I pray OC will get a new daddy to parent and let us all move on. I pray for all of you.<BR>

Thankyou Mrs.Job and ISB for your encouraging words. I pray for all of us daily. Most times lately in disbelief at the horror of it all.<P>Anniem I do think our H's are alike. Mine knew there were things I could and could not do. Parenting alone was all I agreed to. Seeing his baby will have an effect on my mind especially since it looks like our son when he was born....<P>I may have changed in the future or not. It's the way he has done things this far that led me to end our marriage as I feel he'll put more and more on me or worse yet...sneak.<P>He doesn't have to.<P>I will back off for both our sakes.<P>Maybe he was a habit.<P>I know I feel absolutly nothing but numbness toward him and his lies. Like d-day all over again but with a bit more of a coping mechanism in place.<P>I'm still crying a lot...but not constantly. And my reasons are different now. Now I feel like a fool for letting him take me down yet another road of deceit. I feel like an as* for trying so hard this winter only to suffer another time with his arrogance and so self assured I'd never leave, I will...<P>He must completely change now and I do not think he will. I don't believe him anymore.<P>I feel any decision in this is hurtful...leaving will not mean hurting daily for such a long time...ya know?<P><BR>I don't know when it will be over anniem...I just want it to all go away.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....