A lighter topic, I think.<P>How long after Dday did you...you know resume doing married things? <P>For me it was a week. I attacked him; couldn't keep my hands off of him. Wanted it everyday for a few weeks.<P>My counselor said it was like sex after a funeral. (It happens a lot more than you might think.) She said to think of it as laughing in the face of death or marking territory or saying "if sex was a problem, we can fix that."<P>I must admit I felt, still feel, a little twisted about it.<BR>However, it was a great stress reliever. I felt so physical, so sexual, so self-satisified (or is that husband-satisfied) I felt like I was a cat.<P>Mrs. Job

Ah ha Mrs.Job! For me d-day was Nov. 13. I finally called H Thanksgiving night drunk and crying. Hating him and wanting him.<P>H came right over and said again how sorry he was. I think I kissed him and we went to our room and did a quickie. I was so drunk! Next day I was pissed at myself....<P>Well he came home in a month after I asked him to "just leave". <BR>We continued to have great sex. That wasn't ever a problem. I never thought about how I compared. I know I'm better...tee...he...<P>Sex after a funeral eh? That's a new one.<P>It feels like a funeral now in my life...now what do I do for relief? ugh.....<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

For me i think it was too soon. It was about 2 weeks after I found out but I hadnt seen him in months. We were seperated due to military. The first night. I couldnt help it. I just loved him soooo much. He came on to me an dI resisted at first then gave in and ended up crying through it. Afterward he asked me if what was wrong. I got pissed and started yelling and screaming and threw a box of condoms at him and asked him if he knew what the hell they were....lol..its kinda funny now, but then it was horrible!<P>Love<BR>bw

Mrs. Job<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A lighter topic, I think.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You just never know what'll be a light topic around these parts. Since d-day, it's been 3 years, 7 months. Still counting...<P>I'm going to cry in my Hamms now... <BR>

This is embarassing. There is no defining line for me because I found out about affair the first time they met, the first time they rutted, the second time and the third and final time. The first time we were intimate (note: with her it was 'rutting'... with us, it was 'intimate'-hahaha) was a week after their last time together but I was in denial and he had not yet admitted anything to me. But the first time after his admission, we were intimate that night. It must have been all the tears on both our parts and the high emotion and our desire to reconnect and make the bad stuff go away.<P>It was a really strange and difficult 45 days from start to finish.<P>K! Nearly four years? I think I would have found a good sex therapist three and a half years ago. That's too long for me but I have heard of some couples rejecting all sexual contact in an attempt to reach a higher plane of understanding and a love so sublime that it can't be described. I don't know. Which is over-rated? The sublime love or the sex? It's a horse a piece.<P>CAtnip =^^=

I dont know Cat, I think sublime love would be the overrated one. Maybe I just like sex too much...hehe

within a few days... same reasons Cat gave--high emotions, tears and connecting.<P>K, there is a neat book I'm reading called "Becoming One" by Joe Beam, meaning becoming intimate spiritually, emotionally AND sexually, with God a part of the triangle. You might like it. I cannot even imagine waiting 3+ years within a marriage(Holy Cow!). I really feel for ya!

Well, I was pregnant when I found out so I guess I had an excuse...but with me pregnancy always makes me want it more so...Regardless, I was so disgusted with the whole thing that I waited until about 10 weeks after our baby was born, about 5 months after d-day, and it was very emotional. I bawled my eyes out. The OW is always in my mind and hence has since put up a cot in our bedroom, so to speak, and I haven't been able to make love to him without crying since. We are intimate, and yet don't...you know...which is fine with me right now since even the intimacy usually brings on the tears.( Sorry Zebra Baby, I just can't get a handle on this! I know we talked about this, but this d@#*ed woman is still in my head and therefore my bedroom!)<BR>So it had been about 5 months, and is now going on about 2 months.<BR>It's ironic that what he said was lacking in our marriage pre-affair, is now so non-existant, especially the feelings which should go into it...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by K:<BR>Since d-day, it's been 3 years, 7 months. Still counting...<P><BR>K, <P>I'm right there with you, just past the 29 month mark. I'm working on it though. <P>Almost funny thing happened yesterday..I asked him if he was just not interested in me. He said.. "are you nuts??" So I said.. "just checking". You would have thought that was a giant hint for a little affection last night? Well, nope.. nothing, not even a kiss goodnight. *sigh*<P>trace

Hey guys---it's not that bad. It's actually worse... that was only since D-day. It's been 4 years, 4 months total...<P>The recovery of our sex life has been slow---the pregancy that ended the affair through my wife's self-esteem to an all-time low. Then having a baby around killed her libido. She worked last fall with Jenn Harley in this area---and I believe that she was starting to make progress. Then she had a stroke.<P>The good news is that we had a talk concerning this (coming back from a visit to a neurosurgeon)---although her desire really hasn't returned, she's emotionally ready to start working on it, because it's important to me. She's still concerned with her health, however. The neurosurgeon we saw (for a 2nd opinion) was terrific---but he made the comments that she couldn't eat anything that tasted good, and to lay off sex for the next 10 years!<P>Funny guy. <P>Overall, however: things are really terrific in the marriage (hard to believe, huh?). I figure this is God's way of teaching me patience.

Was this a bad topic? I certainly hope not and hope it wasn't painful to anyone.<P>I have always felt a bit odd about returning to the marriage bed so quickly after Dday. I felt like I needed to punish him, but I needed to connect with him even more I guess.<P>3 weeks after Dday he had a massive surgery to remove a tumor (turned out to be benign) in a salivary gland in his face. (I think he timed my "accidental" discovery of his affair so that he wouldn't risk dying in surgery with that on his conscience). So, all the sex ended with his surgery and then when 7 weeks after surgery I wound up in a psychiatric unit for suicide. 1 week on the "locked ward" and 5 more weeks in a day hospital where I spent the nights at home and the business hours in intensive therapy. Checking myself in was the best thing I ever did<P>He has been very depressed since his surgery over the pain he has caused, the broken adoption, fathering a child, and losing his job. We are slowly building back a sex life.<P>I asked him last night if there was a time in our marriage that I used to refuse sex. He said sometimes but not very often. Our sex life fell apart a year before his A began when he went on an anti-panic medication and got erectile dysfunction. He refused to talk about it, refused to tell his doctor and told me "I don't care and I don't miss it." I think it hit his self-esteem so hard that he fell into an affair. After awhile into the affair the sexual difficulties appeared in the A as well. Now we use Bob Dole's little blue friend. I don't care where the ability comes from, I am just glad we have it back.<P>Now I can always be talked into what we call "married things" and am usually the one to initiate. I like the stress relief and I *love* the closeness.<P>I think in a way that I am blessed. She was younger, slim and attractive. I am 10 years older, very overweight (still beautiful he says) and yet I never compared myself to her, almost never pictured them in bed and was able to re-establish an intimate life w/ H. He said sex was much better with me and I believed him--still do.<P>K, I am not meaning to be annoying here, but Wow! You are a man of great patience. I admire you for your Christian values and your incredible willingness to work on your marriage.<P>Mrs. Job<P>

We had sex 2 nights after my H informed me of A/OC. I know he had been unhappy with our sex life for years, I felt the need to connect with him that way. We now have had regular sex, but at times it has been very difficult. I see the OW in our bed sometimes-she was actually in our bed on a few occasions, so it isn't a stretch-and sometimes I cry after sex when I think of the pain my life has become. My H has a strong need to connect with me via sex, even when we are unhappy.As if to comfort me,sex would make it better. WE had sex last night after I told him I was thinking of calling a divorce attorney, and he seemed happy-but I do not understand connecting sex to unhappiness. I am very confused about our sex life now. I love him but his desire to see OC is ruining my emotional connection to him and my strength. I think I have lost more weight, I am very distressed, I realize at times that what he has done may have permanently changed my life , his life, our kids life forever and it will never recover. It scares me. I stay here hoping he will realize what he will lose-but I don't think he cares about that. He doesn't care that what he has done embarasses me, humiliates me, tarnishes our beautiful children. He thinks because he admits it was wrong and says he is sorry, that is enough. It isn't enough for me. I need him to give up contact with OC and OW for me.Selfish,?" perhaps. But I feel he has used his selfish desires to start us on this path, and I can't support this anymore. I can't be hurt anymore by this.Every day he talks of wanting to parent the OC I find myself feeling further and further away from him. I find him walking away from the life he created from me and continuing a life he started separate from me. It feels as if he wants contact with OW-he still cares for her, as he still cares for her I do not see how we can rebuild our life where marriage means you care for each other the most-not another woman in the life. I am deeply sad today-thought of suicide yesterday-and very disappointed in my H. Worse, I can't imagine telling my kids we are separating, divorcing. My daughter's face would be so pained, I know, she would be devastated.And my son would just want his mommy. I feel sick, gotta go.

lsb, I hope it is alright that I pray for you. Please seek help. My mantra during the worst moments of my life is one of self-comfort "I am a beloved child of God." Find a good counselor. If your suicide thoughts are becoming a concrete plan, please consider checking yourself into a hospital. It was the best choice I ever made. We someday want you to be a senior member of this group who tells newbies how you rebuilt your life.<P>Gracious and living God,<P>Before we bring our petitions to You, we confess our sins, those we recognize and those we may not even know we have committed. With confidence and boldness, we claim the forgiveness that you have promised us at the empty tomb. It is ours for the asking: always extended and never taken away. Like a broken-hearted parent waiting for the return of her runaway child, You meet us with open arms and an air of celebration.<P>We ask You to send Your Holy Spirit to comfort and hold our friend lsb. Give her strength and wisdom; solace and a sense of being held in Your loving hands. Remind her that suicide is never Your plan; that Your Son came so we may have life and have it more abundently. Help her to feel safe and to begin rebuilding a shattered life and marriage. Help her to release some of her anger and hurt and bring her the peace that passes understanding.<P>For those of us who have been where she is now, please comfort us as we revisit the horrible pain of the first few months of discovering our own spouse's affair. It is hard to read about her pain and for many of us it brings back intruding painful thoughts as we read of our friend's anguish and suicidal thoughts. Help us to redirect our thoughts toward the good and positive in our marriages and to share with our spouses the Grace You have shown us.<P>In the Name of Our Risen Lord, Amen.<P>----------------<BR>Turn your eyes upon Jesus, <BR>look full in His wonderful face, <BR>and the thing of earth will grow strangely dim,<BR>in the light of His Glory and Grace

up, up, up for lsb

thank you Mrs. Job-I appreciate the prayer. I will not attempt suicide, couldn't do that to my kids, but I may leave the area with my kids.

Glad to hear it lsb. I walked the line of suicide for a couple of months. I always had a method with me at all times. I told my counselor that I felt in control. I could prevent myself and that carrying around a method was in some weird way comforting to me. She told me to be careful that I was walking such a fine line that I could easily fall off with just the smallest step.<P>My husband and I built a safety contract and signed it in front of the counselor. I was not allowed to carry suicide methods around with me (pills, razors, etc.) He had to feel like he would not come home and find me dead. If he caught me at it, I had to go back to the hospital and I risked being divorced. <P>His part of this was to discontinue private contact with OW. If he didn't do it, he risked being divorced. He didn't do very well at this. It took him months and months to get there. Each time I brought the list of phone calls and the contract back to the marriage counselor and demanded that my H learn to keep his word. Those who have been in affairs walk around in a fog of infatuation/lust later to be followed by a fog of guilt after Dday. It takes them a long time to come out of that fog.<P>Yes, Plan A feels very unfair. It seems much like blaming the victim. I didn't pull off a perfect Plan A, but it seems like just in the last week, I may have succeeded. He told OW in front of me that he will never speak to her again and we will not see OC again. That is actually not what I wanted. I wanted contact with OC, with minimal, supervised contact with OW, but my H says that there is no way he can handle *any* contact with OW right now. Maybe in a couple of years.<P>Mrs. Job

K, I'm sorry; I had forgotten your wife had a stroke. My prayers for your wife's complete healing and health! You have an incredibly great attitude! Where do you get your strength and positive attitude??<P>My prayers also to Isb and those in similarly tough spots right now. It's so devastating, but you will have the strength to get through this, somehow, and one day it will be just a bad memory. Good days will return. <P>Angels flying your way,<BR>J<P>

up for newbies.

Hey K,<P> Fellow monk. ( You don't really drink Hamms, do you?)<P> Fourteen months. The crack of dawn is startin' to look good!<P><BR> ( Hey K, are you watchin' all of us through our monitors?)<P> <BR> God bless the celibate,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey Guys,<P><BR> My tennis elbow has really been acting up, lately. ( Bad monkey! Bad monkey!!!)<P><BR> God bless friction,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg