I would like to welcome all new members to the Marriage Builder's forum. You are now on the "Other Topics" board.

Before you get started, you should stop by the Basic Concepts, and the General Welcome For All New Builders.

You will find support from many people here on the boards, some of whom likely have similar circumstances to yours. Realize that the people who post here are not professional counselors. Professional counseling is available through the MB Counseling & Coaching Center. It is also advisable to purchase and fully read Dr. Harley's published books. These can be obtained through the Online Bookstore, and many of these books are available at your local bookstore.

Occasionally, you will receive a response from a member that is in some way offensive. In this case, simply report the post or email the moderator of the particular board, and the matter will be investigated.

Again, Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Thanks Nokomis!

You are welcome.

Well this is my first time to your website and I spent the afternoon printing out alot of interestiong topics I plan to read tomorrow at work. One thing I would like some feedback on is the topic of "midlife crisis" in men. My husband and I have beeen married 30yrs. We're both 51, have 3 beautiful daughters and the oldest ismarried the 2nd one lives home with us and our baby just graduated in May03 and is in a training program with a big oil company and has been traveling. My h got involved with someone he works with wife. This was a couple who we would gettogether with on occasion for dinner or pizza, they are about 10yrs younger than us. The wife poured her heart out to my h in May about her having a drinking problem and wanted to get help but didn't know where to go for it. So my dear sweet H who loves to wear a"red cape" to help out people did get her and her H to the right places for help but he got so involved that he got himself sucked in to their problems (marital) in spite of my warning him that he was getting to involved. By the end of the summer I suspected an affair was going on and my suspissions were confirmed when I went to show him something that was in the newspaper while he was on the computer. Much to my shock he was sending her a "Hi Babe,,,,being in your arms Monday night felt good....." and thats all I can remember. Now we are going to counseling separetly and then eventually together. He's confused because he feels that if our marriage was more fun and stronger this would not have happened. I explained to him that this happens to alot of couples in our position (empthy nest) and that we have spent yrs. being involved with our kids and to the point where we drifted apart, but that doesnt mean that we can't repair our marriage. He just sees the negatives, he has been in contact with her (OW), he told me this because he wants to be truthful and its only been by phone. I strongly feel that he is on the fence so to speak and I'm trying to get any info on midlife issues in men as I can and would appreicate your input. Hes basically a great guy who got himself mix up in other peoples troubles and couldn't get himself out. Our daughters know, the middle one was at home the night I caught his email on the screen, funny how he made no attempt to hide it when I came into the room. Almost like he wanted to get caught. Thank you and I'll be checking back tomorrow as its bedtime. jhd

Well this is my first time to your website and I spent the afternoon printing out alot of interestiong topics I plan to read tomorrow at work. One thing I would like some feedback on is the topic of "midlife crisis" in men. My husband and I have beeen married 30yrs. We're both 51, have 3 beautiful daughters and the oldest ismarried the 2nd one lives home with us and our baby just graduated in May03 and is in a training program with a big oil company and has been traveling. My h got involved with someone he works with wife. This was a couple who we would gettogether with on occasion for dinner or pizza, they are about 10yrs younger than us. The wife poured her heart out to my h in May about her having a drinking problem and wanted to get help but didn't know where to go for it. So my dear sweet H who loves to wear a"red cape" to help out people did get her and her H to the right places for help but he got so involved that he got himself sucked in to their problems (marital) in spite of my warning him that he was getting to involved. By the end of the summer I suspected an affair was going on and my suspissions were confirmed when I went to show him something that was in the newspaper while he was on the computer. Much to my shock he was sending her a "Hi Babe,,,,being in your arms Monday night felt good....." and thats all I can remember. Now we are going to counseling separetly and then eventually together. He's confused because he feels that if our marriage was more fun and stronger this would not have happened. I explained to him that this happens to alot of couples in our position (empthy nest) and that we have spent yrs. being involved with our kids and to the point where we drifted apart, but that doesnt mean that we can't repair our marriage. He just sees the negatives, he has been in contact with her (OW), he told me this because he wants to be truthful and its only been by phone. I strongly feel that he is on the fence so to speak and I'm trying to get any info on midlife issues in men as I can and would appreicate your input. Hes basically a great guy who got himself mix up in other peoples troubles and couldn't get himself out. Our daughters know, the middle one was at home the night I caught his email on the screen, funny how he made no attempt to hide it when I came into the room. Almost like he wanted to get caught. Thank you and I'll be checking back tomorrow as its bedtime. jhd

The moderators at MB do not give advice to members; however, I see that you do have a serious problem with which you need help. I suggest posting your own thread with a title indicating your situation so that you can receive feedback from our members.

Thanks,
Nokomis

Hello.
I'm new to the Marriage Builders forum. I've posted to some other sites...but I've not seen many that weren't biased somewhat. I feel a need to understand infidelity and how sexual/emotional betrayal affects both the betrayed and the betrayer. I'm hoping by posting here I may find some of the answers I need while perhaps at the same time offering some insights that may be of value to others.
AC

This may be a good link for you, and welcome to MB!

How To Survive Infidelity

Thank you, Takola. I'm looking forward to reading the articles offered here.

I just had a curiosity question. What defines a "junior member" from a "member"?

I wasn't sure where to post this and I didn't want to start a new thread.

Thanks,
I'm precious

Found this in the FAQ section:

What are user titles?

Each registered member has a title that reflects his or her "rank" on this board. Administrators are given the title "Administrator". Moderators are given the title "Moderator". Some members are given special titles by the administration. All other users are given their titles based on the number of posts they have made:
Posts Title
0 Junior Member
31 Member

Correct. You are a junior member until you achieve a certain number of posts.

Thanks for the answers.
I'm precious

Hello to all i am new to this and i am not even sure if i am doing this right. I have been looking for the place to post and i can't seem to find it. Can some one please help me, tell me if i did it wrong and how to do it right.
Anyway my problem is that my spouse has been cheating and he has not stopped seeing the woman. He even blames me now saying that he does not hurt me but that i hurt myself by trying to find out if he is cheating. He says that i am trying to controll him and what he does. I have reached the point where i want to leave, at least i think i should but i am so scared of being without him and of the pain. We also have a beautiful seven month old baby. This pain is so terrrible someone please tell me if there is hope.

Hi Sindy,
Welcome to MB.
Rather than replying to another post, please click on "New Topic" at the top of the page. You can simply copy and paste the text from your original message into a new post.

There are forums geared toward infidelity where you will get more objective information from others in similar situations. I'd recommend either the "Just Found Out" forum or "General Questions II".

Take care,
Smile

Hello,

I am new here....and this is my first post. I am sooooo glad i found this site. I realy feel this will help me.

I am a husband. but I am not ready to disclose my situation yet, but will shortly. Lurk mode is almost over...

What I am looking for is for someone to define all these 2 letter acronimes (sp?) I see in posts and signatures....theres alot of them I dont understand.

I'd list the ones I dont know, but theres so many...


can someone list some defs for me?....or at least show me a link if there is one on this site?

Hello and welcome!

A = Affair
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend (based on "context")
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
BS = Betrayed Spouse... some use FS = Faithful Spouse
BTW = By The Way
CB = Coined By
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
D-Day = Discovery Day
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
DD = Darling Daughter
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DS = Darling Son
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EMA = Extra-marital Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
EOM = End Of Message
FIL = Father In Law
FOC = Friend Of the Court
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed") some use BS = Betrayed Spouse
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LB = Love Bust(er)
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
MB = Marriage Builders
MIL = Mother In Law
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
MM = Married Man
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
MW = Married Woman
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB & NSR... for Plan A to work!)
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB & NSR... see Inspire (20))
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SD = Step Daughter
SIL = Sister In Law
SF = Sexual Fulfillment (in context)
SF = Step Father (in context)
SM = Step Mother
SO = Significant Other
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB & NSR/RMA)
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Hello My name is Linda..
I been married now for almost 25 yeqrs.. we have been seperated since June 95.I left the marriage.. What I now see that you call the wayward spouse is what i call the prodigal spouse. I was that prodigal spouse.. at one time..I am a memeber of several restorations sited based on biblical advice thru msn and yahoo. I have caome here at many otehr insistances this would be a good place to helpw ith restoration. I have been standing for the restoration for about two years now. It is a long story.. When I left nine years ago I never expected to want anythig to do with spouse. We did attempt to divorce once thru this but it never happened. We have known each other since we were two. We were in and out of each otehrs lives do to moving alot. We had not seen each otehr in three years when he contacted me out of the blue at 16..I had already been thru alot mentally..abuse, depression, mental illness and nervouse breakdowns.. I did end up leaving home and with him. I figured we loved each other it could work. We got preg and then got married. By the tiem i was 24 we had four children..
Needless to sya the fairy tale went astry even before the marriage took place..
I cheated.. and after I got married i still did it.. and the pattern never seemed to end .. I had reason and excuses..im sure valid enough.. however.. it really was reaching out and then emotional needs not being met and in all honesty i was too needy..no one could of helped me meet them at that time.. Then the grass always seemed better.. The guys i met would pay somuch attention to me.. and that always was so special..but after a while one would wane for the other.. me for him or him for me.. it hardly ever lasted.. I had a man leave his marraige which was really bad anyway adn he waited forme.. when I never materialized.. he then ended up back with ex wife.. this was many years later..
Now back to the Gius treating me liek i was special... My husband tried..int he begining to do that..with me..however I pushed him away.. U ddint want to be special i wanted to be left alone.. I didnt want to trust .. i wanted to be safe.. In all honesty he was soemthing I feared because I did love himand that meant being vulnerable to someone so capavble or hurting you..you would never recover if you allowed it.

I think we would of been netter marrying younger at 13 because then..iw as huting as much. I respected him and loved hom for everything he was to me..

But three years with out him and more pain.. it shut me so down.. and you would think it would of helped me.. no..it just opened one can of worms and another. He too had his emotional hurts.. it is not for me to talk about them..this is his..to do.. if he is willing and joins here.
As that person he use to trust an care for now here was this wild woman acting all strange.. there were other thinsg too.. that didnt help outside people in our relationship/...
I wanted him to be who I thought heshould be and yet i pushed him down when he did try...it was conflicting aand turmoil.daily.. Our lives alot of time was in Chaos.. I could not live without it.. I could of been the one to protect my spouse and love him.. and make him feel safe with me..and open up and he the same if given that oppertunity.. that what relationship are all about is the nurture, respect,love, caring, giving, shareing.. bonding ..

even tho we seperated 9 years ago.. and we both went our seperate wasy..iw as involved till 2001. He went on with his life.. thinking he had lost me forever and was involved..
I can say I am truely blessed to be this mans wife.. Under all the strain and the emeotional turmoil and waitingforme to grow up as well as in these last 9 years changes in him.. I can say.. that it is a blessing to still have this mans love...God called us to each other i beelive that with all my heart.. int he begining when we were small and even while we were going our seperate ways... God called me to stand . stop being the wayward/prodifgal spouse and pray my spouse home.. The last two years I spent learning and figuring things out.. reading and praying alot.. Standing for your marraige to be reconciled is painful process yet a learning one here..this is what your doing here in many ways.. You didnt come here by accident.. youwere drawn..becasue many many people don't look for solutions they just give up and get on with their lives.. and the rate of divorce the 2nd time around to a new partner is almost double of that to the first spouse..

We currenly live in seperate states due to circumsatnces beyound our control... but we talk pretty much daily.. its nto alwasy perfect.. and soemtiems dont meet my ideal of what it shoudl be like...however.. its a starting point and there are comproimises and thinsg to be healed and sorted out.. priorities chaging.. and life happening..
I thank God for this man I am married to...
he isnt perfect .. However I love him dearly.....

God bless your restorations.. Belive it and it will happen...

there is more..always..however reading a twenty page post would not be fun.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GOd Bless
Linda

MB THANKS for being here. This is my first post after lurking the last few weeks. I've used alot of information obtained here to help put my marriage back on track. I'm new to discussion forums and this is the only site I've tried to post to so helpful suggestions or guidance is appreciated. I'm the BS that confronted my WW on 9/3/04. WW admitted to EA with OM (WW maintains no PA) for the last 3 years. Married 21 years daughters 14 & 10. I've read what is available about EAs but the hurt is deep.

Okay, here's my situation. I'm a 26 year old male. I'm not married but I was engaged, however I called the wedding off due to feeling scared and not knowing if I was ready to settle down. My fiance was obviously shocked by this and I'll never forget how badly I have hurt her, more importantly neither will she. That was back a few months ago and since then we have kept in pretty close contact and I now realize I have made a huge mistake. I love her so much and can not imagine my life without her. Well we're supposedly supposed to be dating other people which for some reason I haven't had the urge to, I just want her back but she refuses. She says she has to see what else is out there and that I should do the same. She says she hasn't closed the door on us getting back together but she doesn't know if she can ever get over how badly I hurt her and I understand that. She says she needs time to heal but I'm so afraid someone is going to come in and sweep her off her feet and I'll be left in the dust. I've read the doctors book and he talks of deposits in a love bank. How am I supposed to put deposits in her love bank if she wants space. In the mean time someone else could me making heavy deposits. I know this is all my fault and I feel so ashamed for what I've done but I don't want to lose her. Any advice would be appreciated.