My husband of 10 years had an affair for a few months. I did not find out until "she" dropped a newborn baby boy of at his work and left the state. We had always had a "good" marriage, no violence..fighting..abuse etc.. and we have four daughters. After having a complete nervous breakdown, spending a week in a care facility, I decided I was going to "fix" this mess right away. I brought the child into our home, told the girls we adopted a new baby, and have raised him as my own for nearly three years. The birth whore calls his work a few times each year to check on the baby, but has never seen nor wanted to see him. The trouble is, every single time I look at this boy, who has brown eyes and hair, compared to my four blue eyed blonde girls, it reminds me of the affair. I am angry most of the time, putting on a front all day for the children, and being filled with rage during any free or quiet time. How do I get over this. My husband swears he has learned, blah blah blah.......... I feel trapped and angry. What can I do to feel better?

Hi - Welcome and boy have you come to the right place! I'd say the first thing to do is to post here when you are filled with rage and people will help you deal with those feelings. You sound like a brave, loving woman and I know you can get through this. Also counseling is a big key. Are you in counseling both individually and as a couple? Read all the books you can, especially the ones recommended here. I'm sure others will advise you better I just wanted to say hello and tell you you found the right place to support you.<BR> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited June 01, 2001).]

Have you, or H thought of giving the child up for adoption? This alternative might save your marriage, and give OC loving parents. My opinion of couse. ember

marshall6,<BR>Welcome oh my did you ever get a bomb dropped on you. You have every right to feel trapped you never even had time to greive. You have came to the right place and I'm so sorry this has happened you will find lots of help here.I dont have much time right now I'm on my way out to work, but I'm sure others will be along soon. Just come here and say whats on your mind and you will find lots of wonderful people to help you figure this out. We all know how you feel. with love flowerseed<BR>

Marshall,<P>Welcome to your safe haven. This a a wonderful place to vent, cry, brag and come for answers. I have been here since December 2000.<P>What's truely great about this site is the fact that we have such a diverse group. We have men and women, albeit few men. Most are with their spouses making a go of it. Some have visitation with the OC (other child) and some do not. Some have great and accomidating OW (other women) and most do not. There is a wide range of circumstance here, but our core situation is the same; our spouses cheated on us and produced a child.<P>You will get great advice on how to deal with the resentment and anger. I come here to vent as well sometimes. Usually against my OW. But its a whole lot better to vent here than stir up an fight with your H.<P>It sounds as if you do have the unique situation where you didn't have much of a choice on custody/visitation. Yes, there is always the adoption alternative. But I'm sure it would have been hard with the mother nowhere to be found. And if you reported the child abandoned and they ever found out it was your husband's, he could be in legal trouble. Tell me, has your husband had a DNA test with the child? Just curious.<P>Well, I'm off to work. Welcome to our sad sad club. Weekends are extrememly slow here on the board, so don't be discouraged if you only get a few responses to your post. On Monday, if you don't feel like you got any answers, please post a reply to your own post and it'll push it to the top of the list.<P>One last note, I respect you very much for allowing this child into your home and heart. I'm sure that the junior member poster that suggested adoption doesn't realize that this child had lived in your home for almost 3 years. I'm sure during that time you've grown to love him, despite how he was brought into the world. I think I got from your post that he is a reminder of the affair. This is a normal feeling, when I look at my OC I too am hit with a pang of sadness and sometimes resentment towards my H. But that's just it, towards my H, not the child.<P>I'll check back in on you later.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Marshall6,<BR>Oh my goodness!!!!!!!<P>I can't even imagine that scene!!!! Dropping off a baby?<P>Are you two sure it's H's?<P>I truly recommend counseling. Start at church and see if anyone there can help.<P>We will all give you a safe place to come to. This has been a Godsend to me.<P>Bless you Marshall6.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Marshall6,<P>There is almost nothing to say to that! What an incredible shock that must have been.<P>I can't do much but repeat others' advice: vent here instead of in your marriage, find a good counselor, read the materials on this web site.<P>We look forward to getting to know you better and hope we can be of help.<P>Mrs. Job

First..I want permission to use ( abuse ) that line<BR>Birth Whore...I loved it.. if you havent figure ..I am in the anger phase.<BR>Well I want to also say ..you are a very brave and wonderful woman..to have taken this child in as you did ..I am sorry it was in way of a care facility... You are this childs only hope. his "Birth Whore" is a major waste of space ( as a mother ..you know what total creepzode..it takes to abandon your child)...because of the way you opened up and accepted him..I trust that these feelings are more directed at your H and not OC...I also trust you had no time to go through all the emotions we do..( I only have three kids..cant imagine 5)...you guys probably need to get into counseling..so you can get this all out...your feelings are valid..and the mistrust you have in your H is also valid whether he "learned" his lesson or not...<BR>I think you also know that you are this childs only hope at a decent life, I look at things different...It is better to have him now when you two mold his personality..then later..when the "birth Whore" ( can I even say that enough)...drops him off at 13....YOU are the only mother this child knows..I am sure you love him....get into counseling with your H and work on the issues you are having with him, and the trust...things will get better..I wish you luck and peace..MC

marshall,<BR>Things aren't going to get better until you and H address the issues in your marriage surrounding the affair. It obviously didn't work to just sweep it under the rug. That said, I have the utmost respect for you in accepting and raising this little boy in your life. You are the only mother he can remember. I cannot imagine you'd really want to put him up for adoption (not that you could do it without mother's written permission) after years of raising him, and even if you did, it STILL would not solve your marital issues! What a horrible SHOCK to get the baby AND news of this affair/OC at the SAME MOMENT! I actually would prefer to raise the OC, but I cannot imagine getting the news and the baby together! UGH! It seems to me you and H have been overwhelmed by the raising. It is time to set aside time for your issues... read affair recovery books and hopefully get counseling. Your case is proof that those issues don't go away by themselves... they require your attention.<P>I'm in a hurry and gotta go. Wish I had time to get my "recovery thoughts for newbies" to the top... maybe later.<BR>My prayers are with you,<BR>Jenny 2+years in recovery

Hey marshall,<P> The people here are the best, and they've been through the "stuff". <P> You're in the right place.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

marshall6,<BR>What does she say when she calls your h at work? That would upset me right there. Me and my h made an agreement that if ow ever trys to contact him he is to tell her anything to do with oc is to go through me. We have no contact with ow or her child but we still made the agreement just to make sure there are no problems in the furture. Did you guys have a dna test done on child? I would think if a birth whore could do what she has done she isnt all there. What about child support is she paying any? Hope to hear more from you. with love flowerseed

Marshall,<P>Wow. I do not have much insight or time right now. I have my 7 yr old stepdaughter here and she is quite bright and nosy...lol, so I have not much time here. She is in the tub right now....I jsut wanted to welcome you to our forum. We are like family here, I like to think anyways <BR>The people here, men and women are wonderful. You have found the place.<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>broken_wings

Marshall - <BR>You did a very generous and compassionate thing, and anyone with that much love in them will be able to let go of the anger.<P>I wish you every blessing - wow, I am in awe, you are truly a special person.<P>

She just asks how "her son" is. I always thought I had to allow that contact until I came on this site. I feel so empowered knowing that I can say no more to that. H seems to really hate her. Apparently they broke it off and he didn't know she was pregnant either. The boy looks EXACTLY like my husband and two of our daughters. She pays no support, has legally abandoned him, and has never laid eyes on him since birth. My husband has just been transferred out of state, so our plan is that as soon as we get there, we are going to file to terminate her rights so that I can adopt him. He is adorable and has no idea that I am not him mom. I want my family to be safe again, and the only way I believe that can happen is if we adopt him legally. I do not want her ever in the picture again. So, I guess we will see what happens. Thanks for your insight!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by flowerseed:<BR><B>marshall6,<BR>What does she say when she calls your h at work? That would upset me right there. Me and my h made an agreement that if ow ever trys to contact him he is to tell her anything to do with oc is to go through me. We have no contact with ow or her child but we still made the agreement just to make sure there are no problems in the furture. Did you guys have a dna test done on child? I would think if a birth whore could do what she has done she isnt all there. What about child support is she paying any? Hope to hear more from you. with love flowerseed</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

marshall6,<BR> You go girl the way I would look at it is if she wants to know anything about your son then she can talk to you his mom.I wouldnt even give her that. I guess it depends on if you want to give her the time of day thats totally up to you. I sure wouldnt. Good to hear from you again. I have been thinking about you and wondering if you were coming back. Your one strong and loving lady to do what you have done. It really helps to make me feel like this world is going to be alright when I see the good people that are in this world like you and everyone else here. with love flowerseed

Am I crazy to never want her in the baby's life? I want to wait until all of the children are grown to explain this situation. Our children adore their father, who has never missed a beat in that department. Even when my family was ready to kill him upon d-day, they always supported what a great dad he is. So, I guess I should count my blessings, take some of your guys advice, and work towards recovery instead of being mad all the time. One of my biggest questions since D-day is this.......... Once that line is crossed, is a cheater always a cheater or can they learn and change? My husband is pretty great in all other areas. I don't know. This stuff is about as confusing as it gets. Just when you think you have life figured out......Wham! The one thing that I have learned is that life is not fair. I used to think if you work really hard to be perfect, you will have a good life. Not so! Thanks for letting me vent..............

Marshall I do not think you are crazy at all. I think you have a huge heart to raise the baby, given that , why would she want to have the c ?<BR>I'll bet #1: she NEVER wanted to raise it.<BR> #2 She thought giving it to H would destroy his life as she felt he destroyed hers.<P>Continue to counsel if you are...if not I strongly suggest it. It will help you overcome some of your fears.<P>As far as "once a cheater" goes....it's a ow tale!!! They would want you to believe that. Our H's should have learned the hardest lesson in life by now!<P>Like Dorothy in the "Wizard Of Oz" said "There's no place like home"<P>Hope I helped you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

marshall6,<BR> Heck no your not crazy she has no right to be involved in your life. She never should have been in the first place. I used to think that also once a cheater always a cheater its like gem said a fairy tale. I'll say it again to be delt the blow you have been delt and the way you have handled it takes a strong person. I can see what your saying if shes poking her nose in then you would have to tell your children sooner then you want to. You have every right to keep her out of your marriage and your family. Its your right to protect your kids. She has no rights to your family none whats so ever. Have you ever talked to her? The next time she calls I think I would tell her so. When children are adoped I dont think the birth parents have any rights to be contacting the parents to me thats harrasment. It seems like you could get things legallized were you live now. Hopefully someone will be along that knows something about this. with love flowerseed

marshall6,<BR> I had to come back and add something. What you are feeling about not wanted ow in your life is the reason we have no contact. If the ow in our case would have did what yours did I to could have took oc in as my own. He is almost two yrs old now we have only seen him one time when dna was done. Your feelings are understood totally that was our big problem was having to tell our children and having to deal with her. Thats a thought that really makes me sick. I think if the ow would disappear or maybe get ran over by a steam roller I would be able to have oc in my life. In a way whats happened to you is a blessing as far as dealing with this type of situation goes . Hang in there marshall6 together we'll all get there. with love floweseed

"He is adorable and has no idea that I am not him mom. "<P>Although you did not give birth to him, you are in every other way his mother. And a much better mother than the OW could ever be... which is why God gave him to you, not her.<P>FS