Hi Friends,<BR> I was posting first in Infidelity, then Divorce, and now I am here, I never thought I would be here. I am reading all of your posts and find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. If any of you has time to write and just help me to understand, please help.<BR> My husband and I have been married 4 years. He had an affair that lasted about 3 or 4 months and he got her pregnant. There were divorce papers hanging over my head for a year or so but H struggled to go through with it, God issues. He is a cop and encounters women, I guess and 1, in particular heard about him getting a divorce and propositioned him via email. That is what he tells me. Anyway, long story short, she is now 2 months pregnant and I feel like those Trade Center Towers have just come tumbling on top of me. People tell me, it could be worse, at least your husband is alive and not dead like all those victims in NY. Im sorry but I don't know that if I had a choice for him to betray me this way or to be dead...I would not know which one to pick. They are both devastating and sometimes I think I'd rather him be dead or me be dead.<BR> He says he is sorry and wants this marriage more than anything. The OW is crazy and she called me to tell me to leave because if I were a real woman I would let him be with his family. Please... I just want something really bad to happen to her. I know that my prayers reach all the way to the ceiling, if that because I pray nowadays like this...<BR> God, please have it be your will for her to miscarry or abort, please let this be your will please. <BR> <BR> I don't pray all that much anymore because I know that I am not right with God. I want to be but that means loving your enemies, which means loving her (and this child). I hate her and I hate this child. But strangely enough, I love my husband and since he has been home (1 wk and 6 days), he tells me he loves me and i tell him the same. We have made love 3 times since he has been back and I am just here contemplating when I will be moving back to CA where my family is (my h and I live in MN). I know that I can't live with the shame. We don't have children, but I have wanted one for so long and he knows that and that is another reason why i am so upset. he just gave her one so easily and was so careful with me. i hate myself right now, I am angry with God for testing me to this degree. I have trusted God, but now, i want control. God is good I know, but I am too weak. please help.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mnca6713julia3:<BR><B><BR> My husband and I have been married 4 years. He had an affair that lasted about 3 or 4 months and he got her pregnant. There were divorce papers hanging over my head for a year or so but H struggled to go through with it, God issues. <P>1. Who filed papers on whom? Were you separated for a year?<P> He is a cop and encounters women, I guess and 1, in particular heard about him getting a divorce and propositioned him via email. That is what he tells me.<P>2. Cops have "Groupies" like rock stars. Women with low self worth gravitate to them for the 'danger factor' thrill...and if they are married, that's the extra bonus because if they can buck up their lousy self image by successfully getting a married man into bed, then they feel like they've 'won' somehow, even if it is just for a short time. These women are pathetic but they are all over the place. Psychologically they feel temporarily superior to the wife if they screw a MM because it creates the illusion that she is more desirable than the wife when nothing could be further from the truth.<BR> <BR>Im sorry but I don't know that if I had a choice for him to betray me this way or to be dead...I would not know which one to pick.<P>3. Don't feel badly about this. It is MUCH easier to be a widow whose spouse dies via an accident or illness because they die loving you and there is no rejection. After the grieving process, you go through life missing them but with loving and fond memories that warm your soul and your ehart. People respect his memory and you are filled with pride. In this humiliating situation, everyone who knows about this loosing immense respect for the WS, we feel like chumps for staying, some people think we are and a few admire the courage to fight the good fight, but in this terrible situation, we have to deal with the rejection and the fallout forever tainting what's left of our marriage. We end up with all kinds of issues and insecurities to deal with we never thought we'd ever have to face. And the grief and depression sends us reeling for years. Death is easier, in my opinion. <P> He says he is sorry and wants this marriage more than anything. <P>4. This is the ONLY upside about this particular situation. Men in this situation come out of the fog pretty quick because they are shocked out of it with the awful news. Kind of like 'aversion therapy'. They usually hightail it home, desperately wanting to fix things and restore the marriage and are filled with remorse. If there is just an affair with no impending OC, they seem to take much longer to sever ties with the OW because they stay locked into illusion. They immediately see the handwriting on the wall and the end to their lives as they know it. It is the end to our life as we know it too because we have to adjust our lives and accept devastating things if we stay in our marriages.<BR> <BR> The OW is crazy and she called me to tell me to leave because if I were a real woman I would let him be with his family.<P>5. A fling of a couple months does not constitute a "family" regardless of the "mistake" she's carrying. YOU are his family...his ONLY family. She's just an OW (Opportunistic Whore) looking for a meal ticket or a husband because she can't get one without deliberately allowing herself to get knocked up...a lot of these pregnancies are calculated. She's not his family. And YOU are the ONLY person entitled to have your husband's child. She isn't. And her statement is ludicrous.<P> Please... I just want something really bad to happen to her.<P>6. Oh, me too. I used to wish she fall down a flight of stairs and miscarry. I used to pray "Please God don't let it be true." I used to pray it wasn't my husband's child and that it belonged to someone else. I wished her nothing but ill will and that's normal. These terrible thoughts wil pass when she drops out of sight and you and your husband are working hard together to restore your marriage. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to see a cockroach die.<P> God, please have it be your will for her to miscarry or abort, please let this be your will please.<P>7. I know this prayer. It is borne out of excruciating pain and completely understandable. More importantly, God understands and He will comfort you through this. <BR> <BR> I don't pray all that much anymore because I know that I am not right with God. <P>8. God's right with you, and that's all you need right now. I'm not right with God either but I have faith in Him and pray anyway. He has answered many of my prayers (except for the ones that I REALLY wanted answered) and He listens and understands. Don't short change God just because you think you are not right with Him...He is the only judge of that and you need Him right now and this is the time to turn to Him.<P> I want to be but that means loving your enemies, which means loving her (and this child). I hate her and I hate this child. <P>9. That's OK. You just endured Discovery. We ALL feel like this at first. Be good to yourself right now and lighten up on yourself. You are justified to feel this way and entitled to be enraged and grief stricken. This is the worst possible thing that can happen in a marriage. This is just stage 1...<P> But strangely enough, I love my husband and since he has been home (1 wk and 6 days), he tells me he loves me and i tell him the same.<P>10. This is normal, too. When my husband came home, the first day we made love three times. And the next day and every day for several weeks we had sex numerous times trying to reconnect with each other, to re-establish our marriage and ourselves with each other. To purge any memory of the OW from the equation. It is both symbolic and very healing. Besides, we initially take them back because we want to win. We want the rejection to stop and we don't want our husbands to start a new life with some stranger just because they are knocked up.<BR> <BR>(my h and I live in MN).<P>11. We live in MN, too. The state is starting to get crowded with these kinds of situations. There are a couple others who are also from here going through the infidelity process.<P> I know that I can't live with the shame. We don't have children, but I have wanted one for so long and he knows that and that is another reason why i am so upset. he just gave her one so easily and was so careful with me.<P>12. I have been married to my husband for two decades and could never conceive. We have no children together. It is something I have always desperately wanted. I look very young for my age so when my grandson was born, we would take him for weekends and pretend he was ours. People would tell us what a beautiful baby I had and I would just preen and thank them. I would shop for baby food and Pampers and cart him around letting people think he belonged to me. I had it bad. Now I can't stand to even go down the baby food aisle at the grocery store and cannot look at the TV when an EPT test is advertised. I got issues. And these things are triggers to me. And to think some slut was able to conceive a child that should only be mine, so easily, without any effort at all except to carefully caluclate her cycle and insist my husband show up during that time under the guise of a party is more heart wrenching than I can say. There are no adequate words to express this grief. I understand.<BR> <BR> i hate myself right now, I am angry with God for testing me to this degree.<P>13. You did nothing wrong. There is no need to hate yourself. You are just suffering from misplaced guilt. You'll get over that in time when you begin the ehaling process. Don't worry about that right now. You need to feel all these things to get through them as quickly as possible so you can move on with your husband in rebuilding your marriage. That comes first. As for being angry with God...I only started praying again and stopped being angry with him within the last six months or so and my three year D-Day anniversary comes up on October 25. Just know God understands and He is always with you and will be there for you when you are ready. Just don't stay away from Him as long as I did.<BR> <BR> I have trusted God, but now, i want control.<P>14. One way to get control is to practice the Harley principles right here on this site. Read everything you can along with your husband and immediately implement the Policy of Joint Agreement, the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. Read the descriptions and follow them to the letter. Another excellent way to gain a measure of control is to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with your husband. It is sponsored by the Catholic Church and I beleive it was started right her in MN and is now all over the world. It is designed to rebuild troubled marriages and has an 85% rate of success. The cost is nominal for those who cannot afford it and the benefits are incredible. It's a great way to jump start your marriage. Check out <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.com" TARGET=_blank>www.retrouvaille.com</A> for more information.<P>The best thing I learned at Retrouvaille from the officiating priest is that the mariage comes first and foremost and that neither my husband or I have any obligation for the OC except financial. That if your marriage will suffer because of contact with the OC, there should be no contact. This elliviated my husband's guilt for not having contact. The priest explained that the marriage is the foundation from which everything else in your life will stem and there isn't any room for contact or interlopers if it harms the marriage in any way. You will learn YOU are your husband's only family and the most important person in his life and he is the most important in yours. That's the focus and the key to success. Neither you or your husband can afford to have any contact at all with the OW or the OC and he has to get over any guilt best he can and turn his full attention to rebuilding the marriage. Other decisions regarding the OC can come at a much later date and through the courts or a third party. Your husband must not have any contact whatsoever with the OW under any circumstances from this point on or he will jeopardize your recovery...and that comes first...always.<P>You're in my prayers...I am so very, very sorry you are here and are going through this horrible, horrible nightmare. But believe me when I tell you, in time it will get easier and eventually you and your husband might find what many of us here have found...a new and stronger, closer and more intense love than you could ever have imagined. A better understanding and a new maturity.<P>If responses are slow it is only because this is the weekend.<P>Catnip =^^= <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 22, 2001).]

Dear Catnip,<BR> I don't know how to thank you for writing me back. Your letter brought tears to my eyes, thank you for your time. <BR> My husband filed last August 2000. We had been separated for about 6 weeks until he came home on Tues Sept 11. <BR> You are so right about these women who just prey on police officers (men, in general). My husband felt that he did not love me anymore and struggled to do what was right for a long time. But when she propositioned herself via email, she propositioned a vulnerable, weak man at the time. And he is not physically weak, he is former Gopher Lineman, weighs about 300, 6'6. But at this fragile time in his life, she cornered him. I asked him how she got in contact with him after they met at work and he said that she emailed him. I then asked him if he gave her his email address and he said no, the employees of the city of Mpls all have the basic email address... john.doe@ci.mpls.us.?<BR>I asked him if it started out as a friendly letter and he said, no, she stated what she wanted in the first letter. <P>How long did you wait before you gave God back all control?<BR>What do you think of this idea?...I am from CA and would love to move back there. I asked him to start thinking about moving there. He said that he feels like he is running away from his responsibilities. He says that he wants to have an active part in his child's life. And so, that is why I will probably move alone. I think that he can have a part in the child's life, but it will be distant and the visitations will happen as frequently as he desires I guess. But if he doesn't choose to move with me, I guess his child is more important. Let me know what you think.

mnca,<BR>I gave God control immediately. Even when I felt that he wasn't listening and all I could do was pray "Our Father". God KNEW what was in my heart. I also prayed for those things to happen to ow. Believe it or not so did H wish for an accident.<P>Baby is 4 1/2 months now. We had 1 visit. Ow became intolerable and demanding. We ceased all contact. Have an offer to her atty. to let her H adopt baby.(fat chance).<P>She still tells H how she loves him and will wait for him. We find this behaviour very damaging to our marriage. H has come to despise ow in the last 4 1/2 months! Doesn't want to deal anymore. Realizes she kept baby to try to attract H into leaving me! ugh.....<P>At any rate in order for your marriage to survive you two must be in agreement about visits.<P>You know how I've changed? I feel baby and I are innocents but I come first as H's wife. Baby will do ok without H. When and if he seeks out H in the future I will have no problem. I cannot act as if I want ow/c to be a part of our lives as one happy family anymore. I tried and was shot down from every angle by ow.<P>I have no guilt. Just a peaceful future w/H. We are so in tune w/each other again. I can't tell you how his remorse and sorrow have sustained me. He did not act like this at first. It took a reality check by ow to have him finally understand how dangerous she was. We now talk less and less about A. We focus on us and our everyday life again. We move forward together on all issues...in agreement. We are romantic again and enjoy each day we share.<P>I will tell you the prayer that worked was when I asked God to show me the way I should walk and just gave all the decisions to HIM. Answeres happened instantly. I became stronger and didn't fear leaving H. I felt God would provide. He did. I never expected things to turn out this way. I am greatful they have.<P>Prayers to you.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

God has ALWAYS been in control. I never gave Him control and it would be preposterous for me to assume I had the power to do so. He had it all along, always have and always will. I think what you are really asking me is when did I put away my anger and accept Him back into my life. Since God is all powerful, all merciful and all wise and infinite, he understands my intense grief and confusion and loved me even though I blamed Him for almost 2.5 years.<P>I took longer than most (I was really pi$$ed and needed someone else to blame, and who more able to handle my wrath but our Lord?) but I have been praying (well, maybe not praying but 'conversing') for around six months.<P>As for your husband wanting to be part of the child's life, well, he might want to attend a Retrouvaille weekend to determine which is more important to him, a life with you, his wife or try to be a less than part time dad with a kid that should be put up for adoption so everyone can get on with their lives and put this ugly episode behind them...most of all give that innocent child a decent life with a stable, loving two-parent family. But that is just my opinion. There will be others along soon to give you their views and their takes and other possible solutions.<P>It wouldhn't hurt to print up this thread after everyohne has responded and show it to your husband for the impact of the printed word. He is probably very confused and scared right now and weighing all the options, suffering from misplaced guilt and divided loyalties and needs to do nothing right now except impose the "No Contact" rule and turn over all contact to an attorney or a third party. He won't be able to think clearly unless he does this. he won't be able to determine what is the best course to follow unless he does this. <P>Now dry your tears as best you can and get into a counselor who is MB friendly, in fact, call Steve Harley for an appointment...he is right there in St. Paul, I think...or maybe White Bear. There isn't a better person in the world for the two of you to see reight now and I suggest this is a very crucial thing for the two of you to do to implement the first step back to recovery, if this is what you want to do.<P>I am sure you are wondering if you should cut your losses and go back to CA and start over. This is a path you could take to start over clean since you don't have any children that would suffer. But only you know in your heart if this is what you should do. Talk to Harley first.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

mnca6713julia3,<BR> I'm so sorry. What you are feeling seem to be the same feelings I had in the beginning and alot of others here. I cant add anymore then what has already been said other then come here as often as you can. The support here is life saving. The oc will be 2yrs old next month we have no contact h pays support, he wants no part of the trap that was layed for him. There are others here that h felt as yours, I'm sure they will be along soon. Again I'm so sorry for your pain.<BR> with love flowerseed

mnca6713julia3,<P>You are not alone. Actually I find it helpful to read other people posting about the same feelings I have. I'm still having a hard time understanding these strong feelings. My H had three (two living) children with OW before we married. He had an affair and I found out in July that they not only had been having a long term affair, but also had a 1 year old. The pain that causes me is so unbearable at times. He wants to continue to see his children and I'm having a really hard time with him going to OW's house every other Sunday. And I don't want them to come here. I don't want my family (including my 3 year old) to know about OC and it's kind of hard to tell his older two not to talk about her. My anger is overwhelming me at times.<P>I feel like no one understands how much pain this causes me. I don't know how to handle it because now I want NO CONTACT with OW or any of her children. I want H to have NO CONTACT with OW and that seems rather difficult.<P>This is a pain that no one should have to go through. I've only been coming here a short time and find so much comfort here. <P>Best of luck to you. <P>Why

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>God has ALWAYS been in control. I never gave Him control and it would be preposterous for me to assume I had the power to do so. He had it all along, always have and always will. I think what you are really asking me is when did I put away my anger and accept Him back into my life. Since God is all powerful, all merciful and all wise and infinite, he understands my intense grief and confusion and loved me even though I blamed Him for almost 2.5 years.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip is right. I too talked and was always asking "WHY?"<P>It's when I accepted him and BELIEVED he would help me...or rather accept the help that my life changed.<P>I was willing to accept losing H if it was God's will. Painful as it would be, it was easier(?) than living w/oc/ow forever.<P>love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I guess I can say I to was willing to let my h go if thats what was to be. I never blamed God. I had a boss where I use to work,that was quit fond of preaching to me every chance he got. One thing that he was able to sink into my head was that the evil in this world is not of gods making but the devil.<BR> I can rememer so many times begging god to make this awfulness go away and I always felt a wave of comfort come over me.<BR> Although I have also asked him to do some pretty rotten things myself . I had to often tell myself actually still do that this will not go unpunished. I leave it in Gods hands he will take care of it one day as he sees fit. with love flowerseed

Dear Julia,<P>You have been given some great advice here and there is not much I can add except you are not alone. Catnip is one of the best advice givers in the world and she has laid it down for you. <P>As for me...my H was in the army and our D was 3 months old when he left. He was supposed to be gone for 3 months and ended up being gone for 1 yr and a half. We had gone thru he(( and it was getting really bad..so bad that I took a shower that day and cried and cried and prayed to God begging him to not give me anymore. I tried to use logic saying "God you say you dont give more that anyone can handle and I am at the end of my rope. Please I cant handle anymore." I got out of the shower and my hair was still wet when the phone rang. That is when my beloved H told me that he had been unfaithful and it was worse..she was pregnant. I thought "ok God this is a really cruel joke. This is soooooo not funny. Where is the punchline?" It was no joke, and I handled it. <P>It was almost a yr later, oc had been born and everything before I found MB and found out I wasnt alone. I was soooooo relieved to know I wasnt alone. For the longest that was the predominent feeling in my life....lonliness. Oc's 2nd b-day is coming up and I guess that is a date I will never ever forget. <P>As far as moving goes....well, we did. We moved thousands of miles away from everybody and I am so glad we did. It was horrible. Just awful. But we only had each other and it was do or die and I guess both of us are survivers. We have no contact with oc. <P>I dealt with a lot of guilt for a while, but for the most part I am over it. I think my H doesnt think about it. He just isnt human when it comes to emotions. There are still some bad days, but for the most part it is good. I can now go days without thinking of ow/oc. For a while I thought that would never happen. <P>I am kinda rambling, but I think I wanted to tell you that if it was not for God I do not know if I would have made it. I used to have kind of a mantra (not sure what else you would call it) I would pray over and over and overr "Please God give me peace. Please God give me peace. I can not do this alone. Please be with me. Give me peace." It worked. God would settle my beating heart and calm me. Sometimes he even gave me a smile. I found that if I prayed before I spoke it was always better. Then I didnt say things I later regretted. It is so hard and I feel your pain. You are not alone and you are in my prayers.<P>Love<P>broken_wings

Hi Friends,
Thank you for your responses. You are all so kind and I am so thankful for you all. Thank God for this site.
I talked to my H about moving to CA, away from Minneapolis, and he just doesn't seem to want to consider that option. Plus, even if we did move, I remember the OW telling him on the phone ( I was listening on another phone) that "where you go, I go". So even if we moved away I fear she would follow.
This morning I went to church and our pastor gave a message on the hardships and difficult times that seem impossible to endure. I was there physically, but I think I left my ears at home.
I was wondering if any of you didn't have children and if so, would you have opted to leave your husband and the mess behind and start over again?
Today I went to Target and bought some big bin things to pack all my stuff up and head to CA. I know you all know how I feel, but this whole ordeal has been so humiliating and humbling at the same time.
Thank you again for your responses. Love, Julia<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

julia, I have to be honest if not for the child we have I would have not stuck it out. Our little girl is the reason that keep me hanging on. I dont know how some of you do it when you hear things like she will go where he goes. I was so full of anger anything even close to that would not have had a very good outcome.<BR> There are other women here that have stayed that dont have young children at home or that have never had children. I think its got to be harder to stay in such a situation.<BR> With that said now that h has had the time to prove he is totally devoted to his faimly. I'm happy that I did stay we have a much better relationship then before all of this. I didnt ever have to deal with mine chooseing the oc over my feelings either. I dont know what to say other then go with what your heart tells you to do. If you do move and its meant to be then when he pulls his head out he will come looking. You will be in my prayers. with love flowerseed <p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited September 23, 2001).]

We have many similarities in our situations, you and I. My H is also a cop. We have been married for almost 7 years. We have been trying to conceive. Dr. said, H would have great difficulty...so much for medical science. H had affair for about 3 months and our oc is 7 months old. I dont know if it hurts differently when you are trying to have your own child, but I am sure it is a different kind of betrayal. We still are not pregnant, yet they only had sex a dozen times maybe. <BR>I was soooo angry with God! I couldnt understand how He wanted this to happen, allowed this to happen. I still dont get it a lot of the time. Our oc is beautiful and he and I have bonded better than he and H, I sometimes think . We have regular visitation, but that was joint agreement. I know H would have financially supported oc and left it at that if I wanted. I couldnt live with keeping an innocent child from his father. Dont get me wrong, there are many days that I wish I could take my support of H visiting with oc all back. It is too late to do so now. We are involved and now and forever will be, but it is NOT easy! I honestly dont know where I get the strength some days, but I pray alot and H always says how great I am after our visits with oc. I think h has a whole new appreciation for the incredible woman he was lucky enough to marry.

Again, you guys are just so great. Thank you for taking the time to write. It is so awful that we all have to converse under these circumstances. And, I too, would never wish this on anyone (except ow, of course). <BR> <BR>My best friend who lives in San Diego is dating a married man from Florida. Her relationship has lasted almost 3 years with this guy. For the last year I have been up front and told her that I don't want to have anything to do with it, I can't, I don't want to hear another word. My best friend of 12 years is another wife's nightmare and I just feel for the wife, I sometimes want to track the wife down and tell her what is going on.<BR>Anyway, I don't know why I shared that, but it just goes to show that this world is an evil place and without God in your life, it will only get worse.<BR> Today as my husband and I got home from the evening church service, he asked me if I still planned on leaving, and I told him, "i don't know, probably, just that there was stuff I needed to take care of first". He said, "ya know i don't want you to go and don't take this the wrong way but you know how you called UHAUL last week to get rates, well, I have a coupon". I couldn't believe he said that. He said it was a joke, but how can he joke. He sits through church and draws faces on my hand and is constantly looking at his watch. I know, I know, men are like that, but given the circumstances, I just think he should try harder or at least be a little more sensitive.<BR> Well, I think i am going to give it another few weeks, i guess deep down i still am hoping she miscarries...sorry.<BR>I know i shouldn't say that. But unless he decides to move with me to CA, I am closing this chapter in my life and I hesitate to move on because I know there will be consequences for my own sin of abandoning my husband.<P> I forgot to tell you guys this, but we were married in May 98, my H was diagnosed with Acute myelogenous Leukemia in Jan 99 (8 months after we were married). He was on life support for 1 month, I never left him except to go home and shower. He was in oncology for 4 months more after he was extubated (taken off the ventilator). We were both 25. I guess our marriage went downhill after that. sometimes i think my h thinks is living on borrowed time. But instead of using this experience to humble him, he just got so cocky, walked around the apartment saying, "i'm pretty", and always telling me how women want him at work. <P> Anyway, I am rambling. I hope you all are doing well today, tonight. I guess when I think of encouraging words that I could share with you, the only thing that I see as hopeful is that one day, Jesus Christ, our Lord will come for us and completely take ALL the pain away. I am so anxious for the pain to go away.<BR> God bless each and every one of you. <p>[This message has been edited by mnca6713julia3 (edited September 23, 2001).]

Julia-Kristina...<P>You have a most confusing handle! That's good...keep 'em guessing.<P>I just wanted to say before I take off for a couple weeks that if you choose to go back to California, God is not going to punish you for your choice. Your husband 'left' you in the sense that HE broke your marriage vows, you did not. When he did what he did, he freed you from any obligation to him...especially with the additional baggage.<P>When the Betrayed Spouse chooses to stay with the Wayward Spouse, it is simple a 'gift' of forgiveness and benevolence. It is up to the WS to make things right. If they choose not to, then you are free to determine your own future, guilt free.<P>However, that being said, don't get too rattled by your husband's inappropriate comments or feeble attempts at humor. He is only trying to lighten up the situation. He doesn't realize that it is impossible to minimize your heartache, he's just desperate to bring back a sense of normalcy into your lives. He probably thinks if he acts like it is no big deal then it will relieve some of your grief. Men (sorry guys) are children for the most part... my husband played the clown on a couple occasions and was met with looks of stunned amazement that quelled his 'mirth' in a hurry.<P>When he realized the impact of what he had done and the domino effect his actions would have on our lives, changing everything forever, his demeanor drastically changed. This stuff is serious as a heart attack and repect for your feelings and the gravity of the situation is crucial to recovery. He'll finally 'get it' when you are gone. he'll remember the weeks you spent at his side when he battled for his life. He'll realize that half of his whole has gone because of what he did and will be ashamed and probably move heaven and earth to reconcile. He'll feel incomplete without you.<P>You're both so young, and that part of the equation is a positive point in this ugly situation. You are not tied to him through children that would suffer if there was a divorce. While I do not have children with my husband, I chose to stay because of our long history and our deep bond that comes with a twenty year history. I am also twice your age and have wondered if I would ahve stayed if I had only been thirty, or even forty. I have decided that that would have only depended on my husband and his reaction, his remorse, his regret and his desire to repair and restore the marriage.<P>You have a lot to consider and many issues to examine before you make any life altering changes. Do nothing in haste. It pains me these WS's do not take the consequences of their actions into consideration before they act in selfishness and feeding their starved egos.<P>Take care of yourself and pray. Read everything you can get your hands on and post here often. The wonderful people on this site will help you get through the next few months.<P>Catnip =^^=

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mnca6713julia3:<BR><B>I don't pray all that much anymore because I know that I am not right with God. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>That's still no excuse not to talk to God. Look at David, the one who wrote most of the psalms, look at how many mistakes he made (adultery, murder, OC), but he still sought God. Sin separates us from God, but we don't have to remain separated. God is not mad at you?! If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mnca6713julia3:<BR><B>I want to be (right with God) but that means loving your enemies, which means loving her (and this child). </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, by PRAYING FOR THEM... That is how we show our enemies love. It has nothing to do with feelings. What's wrong with praying for God to help them and keep them FAR AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND! (joke) But seriously, what is wrong with asking God to send people into her life to show her HIS true love so that she can be a good mom to her kid? It's so important because if you don't set her free from jail, God cannot begin to help you and your husband get on with your recovery. God longs to heal your marriage!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mnca6713julia3:<BR><B>I hate her and I hate this child.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's okay to feel these emotions, but not to the point where it is keeping you from praying for her. Feel the hatred and pray anyway because OW is NOT worth causing you the price of remaining connected to God. Hatred equals murder in God's eyes, so it's not a healthy, constructive place for you to be in. <P>Think of forgiveness this way--one day, you are going to make a really big, huge, humongous mistake and you will be in need of God's forgiveness! As freely as you would like to receive that forgiveness, freely give it. Forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it has to be earned. Plus, your unforgiveness for OW literally TIES you to her! We can't have that now, can we???????? UGH! RELEASE HER! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mnca6713julia3:<BR><B>I know that I can't live with the shame....I am angry with God for testing me to this degree. I have trusted God, but now, i want control. God is good I know, but I am too weak. please help.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your faith is not on the spot here, God is on the spot. How will He help you out of this mess? What miracles are in store for you and for your marriage? Will you let go of your anger so that God can bind up your broken heart? We feel hurt when we believe our rights have been violated, but have they? We really have no right to expect to be loved and respected by anyone--we only have a right to hide ourselves in Christ--where nothing and no one can touch us! When our expectations are in Christ, people cannot disappoint us. When we obey out of love for Him and Who He is, then our expectations are in Him. HE will never let us down!<P>The way you control your emotions of hatred is to place OW and OC in God's hands through your prayers. Think of them like two doves in your hands and symbolically lift them off to fly toward heaven. POOF! GONE! Then wait in God's presence for Him to touch you and love you and heal you. Expect miracles! But you'll never know what good things God has in store for you if you refuse to communicate with Him.<P>You will survive this. My prayers are with you too! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Hi Julia,<P>I just wanted to give my support. If you do decide to try and work things out with your H don't worry about what others will think or say. As for OW telling you to let your H go she obvious doesn't realize your position your H still wants to be with you not her. As as for her saying "his family" OW's child will be related to your H but she will never be a part of your H family that's you and if you decide to move forward any children you and your H will have. I'm very sorry you find your self in this position I hope things work out the way you want them to.<P>Unsure

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone.<p>I am bumping this up for my H to read.<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by distinguish:
<strong>Attn: Julia
I have been following the trails of e-mails of you wishing miscarriages upon this woman, portraying her as if she were the scum of the earth. Do you know what it's like to endure a miscarriage and you claim to be a child of God? I don't think you're any better than the terrorists! You portray yourself as the "innocent" wife, I don't think so. I'm sure he had plenty of reasons why he wanted a divorce, why he slept with another woman WITHOUT protection. And your husband is no saint either, wake up woman! I believe in working on a marriage but only if both parties are willing and it doesn't seem like your hubby is willing to do so. I was so angry when I read your e-mails about how you wish miscarriage or termination of this pregnancy. Too bad for you because it sounds to me like baby is doing just fine. Do you realize this is your husband's child, the husband that you want to be with for the rest of your life? And you're wishing death upon him/her! It's apparent to me that you are the crazy woman! They should just name this site "Crazy Women." It would better fit your opinions. Good luck and remember that how much you wish death upon this child, the Lord will only make it harder on you. You're sick and twisted and I don't feel one bit of mercy for you soul.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, more of the same we've heard from women who register a name, make a post, and disappear. <p>Let me ask you, distinguish:<p>Are you here because you are trying to save your marriage? <p>Are you here because your H has fathered another woman's child? <p>Are you here because you are pregnant or have given birth to another man's child WHILE MARRIED and trying to successfully REBUILD your marriage?

julia,
Where do these fruit loops come from!

As far as wanting ow to miscarry. I dont know if you did or didnt. Since our local fruit loop brought it up thou. I think alot of wives would wish for that. I know I would have if I had known she was preg. I know for a fact my h wished that. He tried to get the sleeze to get a abortion. He wanted no part of this and never will. Hang in there from one twisted sister to another ha, ha, ha. with love flowerseed