Dear Valued Members of Marriage Builders who post on the Pregnancy/Child section of this Forum,<p>This forum in particular is a very sensitive forum. The people who post here most often have the toughest battle of all of the Infidelity sections of the forum. Because of this it sometimes make moderating this forum extremely challenging. Therefore I feel it necessary to start this thread.<p>Many threads lately have gotten off topic and in a bad direction. My e-mail is posted here so that any member who feels there is a problem with a thread or that feels there is a need to bring something to my attention can do so. I welcome all the e-mails I get and feel fortunate to be able to help on a section of the forum that often needs a bit more attention and tender loving care than the other ones sometimes do. With that said I must add a bit more.<p>It's imperative that we treat one another with respect! Apply the very same Marriage Builders principles and rules that we find here to apply to our marriage to one another on this forum as a whole. Particularly on this section of the forum, I ask you to possibly not interject your point of view or opinions when they aren't wanted. The purpose of these forums is to support one another and help in any way we can. When we can't do that in a clear conscience, then perhaps we shouldn't add to a thread at all? Bickering will in no way accomplish that goal, the one Steve Harley had in mind when he developed this forum.<p>I am by no means telling you what you can and cannot post. I am simply trying to give you some suggestions that will help you with the whole process of healing and bringing your marriages to recovery. Censoring the sections of the forum I moderate is not a desired function of a moderator or a frequent practice. It is only used as a last resort. <p>Peace and harmony on the forum is what we all really need. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] We all have had enough discord in our own personal lives to last a life time. Let's focus on making this section of the forum a safe place to post when we need encouragement and when we want advise. Even a safe place to vent. <p>I welcome any suggestions or thoughts on this matter. If you feel they are too inflammatory, then simply write me an E-mail at Xarelel@aol.com .

Xarelel,
I appreciate your hard work on this forum, and for the existance of this forum at all. This is a "place" that has, over YEARS, given me great advice and venting and solace of not being alone in this PAINFUL situation of an OC which isn't socially acceptable to talk about locally. <p>It is my wish that it continue to be so for others for as long as necessary. It is unfortunate that some people come here with some other agenda, and in future I will try to point them out to you, only.<p>Jenny

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Why doesn't the moderator specifically 'speak' to this person/s instead of a generic letter that obviously doesn't make a difference?

I agree with tinlizzy. ember

I agree w/tlizzy and ember. Did I miss something?

yes, it seems that there is someone on this board who has some very valid responses, but most are not supportive in any way, shape, or form. The replies go against anything that I've ever read from the Harley's. <p>It seems that most people on this board are Christians, I don't think that I am, but I certainly am not going to bash someone here for interpreting the Bible in their own way and following the Bible. Their beliefs are helping them greatly in healing...whatever works!!!<p>Everyone on this board has been ripped apart not only by an affair, but also oc are involved as well...double whammy! We all hurt and heal in different ways and different times. We all act and react differently and our pain and actions are valid and "normal". We shouldn't have to come to this board to be insulted, told that we're not acting in the 'proper' ways toward the ow. We all have our own journey that we are on and will learn what we need to in our own time and with the help of friends and God. <p>I say that if the moderator doesn't stop the person who is not contributing positively to this board and our healing, then we just don't ever respond to that person AT ALL. It's like a bully, if the bully has no one to respond to or isn't bothering someone, they will quietly slink away.<p>Just my opinion.........

Tin,<p>I agree with you, that we should just ignore and not respond, but a good point was made to me in private from another poster on this board. She said her biggest concern is that if the person pipes up to a "newbie" who is in great pain and confusion to their feelings, and situation, and is negative in her words towards that new person, that person could be driven away. I think that we "oldies" need to keep a close eye on the board and welcome those new to this situation, and offer as much support as possible. That way, if something is said, that could chase a new person away, but that person has already recieved lots of support from others, that one person won't make too much a difference.<p>I will admit, I used to get caught up in the written battles, but have since let them be. I still have my own feelings about it, but realize that responses to the ones who are being negative, just cause more negativity in an already difficult situation.<p>My suggestion, all us "oldies" need to keep a vigilant eye on the board, and welcome all "newbies" as soon as we see them post. As to those who are, I'm not sure exactly how to word it, but "hostile" to others, just ignore, don't respond in any way, not even to tell others to ignore that person! Just offer your support, advice, "shoulder", understanding, experiences to the "newbies" and ignore any possible future confrontations with anyone who is looking for just such a reaction.<p>JMHO<p>Tigger

Tigger,
That has been a concern of mine also. What really bothers me is when one is in so much pain they want to take their life. There was one time that bonnie came on with her crap to just such a person. It really scared me, I know when this was all new to me it would not have taken much to put me over the edge.
With love, flowerseed

I did see the replies to this thread earlier today. I of course was at work, although that usually doesn't stop me from responding, this response required more thought than I was able to give today while I was working.<p>I have been challenged to address on this very public forum the person that some have assumed has been the topic of my thread, at the very least the focus of my thread. In response to that I need to inform you of my duties as a moderator.<p>I am here to try and insure that this section of the forum goes as smoothly as possible. I am not here to single out any one person/member. <p>During the midst of this current discord on this section of the forum I have not only witnessed one person breaking our basic policies, but at the least a few. I wish at this time that no one would point a finger and instead look deep within oneself and decide if perhaps you too have been guilty of disrespectful judgments? Or being unsupportive? My suggestion at this time is for each and every one of you to look into yourself deeply and fairly to see if you have been guilty of this?<p>My only other suggestion is simply this...
That each and every one of you, not to post to someone you don't care for or whom you question their motives. If they aren't legitimate and they don't get any attention, they'll usually go away and find another site where they can get the attention they crave.<p>Discord and the typed verbiages which leads to the bickering amongst each other serves no purpose and it surely does not serve the purpose of healing from this double sting you, the members of the Pregnancy/Child section of this forum have. It only facilitates confusion, hurt and anger. It gets in the way of the ultimate goal of healing a marriage. Which contrary to the climate of some of these post is the PURPOSE of all of the forums on the Marriage Builders site.<p>We will always as members, find someone or some posts on this site we eminently disagree with. Bantering back and forth serves what purpose? The only one I can see is confusion and strife. If any one else sees another please feel free to post it here or inform me at my e-mail
Xarelel@aol.com address.<p>I sincerely feel that if you all follow this suggestion you will find this forum a better place for not only yourselves but everyone.

~~^^~~ for all to see. <p>Newest members please take note. This forum is to be a safe place for one and all.

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~~~^^~~~

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Xarelel:
Xarelel@aol.com <hr></blockquote><p>Sorry to here that. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] AOL ewwwwwwww, hehe

Is that considered being a trouble maker? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello all,<p>I am brining this thread to the top again because of the latest unrest on this forum.<p>Please do not respond to any member whom you find offensive, disagree strongly with or doubt the validity of their story. <p>Let's please try and keep it as peaceful as possible here for the moment. Sorting all this out and coming to a workable conclusion may take a bit of time.<p>Thank you in advance for your consideration to this matter.<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Xarelel ]</p>

E-gads Xarelel, I have a hard time with opinionated ow such as you-know-who.<p>We have all been to hell and back.<p>We all deal with oc in our own way, it is not for others to judge.<p>Poor Catnip and all her purrrrrr-fectly wonderful wisdom has TRIED to be nice. I, however cannot be. I pray for all of us here all of the time.<p>I pray for God to hold my tongue.<p>I cannot and will not stand by and let so-and-so tell us about who put what into where and why the circumstances are only geared to the product of that never-should-have-happened union.<p>I for one know my H chased ow.<p>It must have been the chase though because I hear how he cherishes me everyday now. If I hadn't forgiven him he'd be alone as he NEVER had intentions of marriage w/ow.<p>Poor thing got pregnant w/H's help and thought it would attract him..HA! He stayed (or rather BEGGED me) . He had 2 x's out of the house and didn't take up w/ow either time.<p>Now the baby is here and she made it impossible for us to have peace. If she were worried about C , she wouldn't have caused ME so much grief. That turned H protective of me. Her H can raise him now w/o us ever in his life.<p>I'm leaving MB for now.<p>I need to continue on and quit reading so much.
love
Debi<p>ps...I'll lurk....