Jessica,<p>I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Its bad enough that we have to deal with the A and the OC.<p>We do have a lot in common I've been with my H for 10yrs and married for almost 5 and I found out a little over 2 weeks ago. Although, we do have 2 beautiful daughters together.<p>I'm curious, why is it that you have no children together? Where you not ready or are you unable to have kids of your own? Is the reason he is torn between you and ow/oc because she can give him a child? I am so sorry that you are going through this I know that talking about it here has helped me so much. I have even used some of the ideas that I have read in other threads that my H has responded to the way that I was hoping.<p>You are in my thoughts
Jules

Well actually, it just had not happened, and we were not really trying. He says he has no feelings for her other than she is pregnant with his child. But we will see where this all goes.

Jules<p>I am about 8 months past D-Day. H finally confessed that at that time he had one OC and another one on the way. So I understand the waiting process. I was told when OW was 7 months along. <p>This has been quite an uphill battle for us. We have comitted to trying to make this marriage work. We have been married for 26 years. I can honestly say that since dday my H has changed for the better. We are also going to a counselor. We are changing counselors, and trying one that deals more with the family issues. <p>We have chosen to have contact with OCs, but I have yet to see the infant yet. The visitations were going well in the beginning but now we have come to some problems with the 3 yr. old not wanting to come to our house, so visitation is on hold till we can talk to the new counselor and get her input how to proceed. <p>Like you, I struggle daily trying to decide if I can make this work. We have good weeks, and we have really terrible weeks sometimes. Right now we are in one of those tough weeks. <p>I also bought the book "Surviving Infidelity" I just finished it, and now H is reading it. He needs to try to understand where these "tazmanian devil" outburst come from. <p>We are here for support, and everyone here has given me so much wonderful advice, and have helped me thru some difficult times. <p>Tina

Jules,<p>Oh I see your plan about divorcing him, collecting cs and seeing that she doesn't get all that she would get if you were married... That sounds like an excellent idea, but do talk to a lawyer first to have your questions answered. <p>I would probably consider that too if i was in your shoes, but i would really have to pray about it because for me, I would feel God's conviction about the whole divorce issue (sin). I was ready to divorce my H, but God got a hold of my heart and let me know that he hates divorce, any way you slice it. <p>Well, hope you are doing well. And ya know, i have been thinking about how this ow was married at the time - and i just really hope that she got pregnant by her ex-husband. In 2 months when that dna test is done, I really hope that we get a post from you saying that it turned out to be her ex's. We will all throw a party for you!! <p>I don't mean to make light of this situation, but how great would that be?! I hope and pray that it is not your h's. But even if it is, God can still bless your marriage.<p>Julia<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Tina,<p>I am so happy for you that you were able to stay in your marriage and are currently working on making it better. I'm sure that is something that will last a lifetime and I wish the best for you and your family. <p>I don't know if its me being selfish, but I know that there is no way that I could ever be involved with the oc. I am having a hard enough time dealing with the A. And like I posted earlier H wants nothing to do with oc/ow and who knows if that could change. I try to put myself in that position and think could I actually create a child then have nothing to do with it?? This is all so very hard and confusing I just hope that there will come a day that I can go at least a day without thinking about all this. I am starting to see the affects this is having on me at work and at home. Its wierd I have lived here all my life but since this has all happened I find myself taking wrong turns and forgetting how to get where I'm going. I wonder if I'm going crazy!<p>But, it is strong people like you and the many others here that have offered their support to me that has given me a lot of hope when I thought there was none.<p>Julia,<p>Yes, I have been seriously considering the "divorce" idea and when I tried to talk about it with my H yesterday, he just didn't take to it very well. He says we can make it through this w/o having to get a divorce. I just don't know how?? We both work hard and we make enough to live a somewhat comfortable lifestyle and I know that will change if she comes in trying to suck us dry so my kids in the end will suffer b/c of all this and it angers me so much!<p>I too am hoping like crazy this is her H child or that she is telling him it is even if it were my H so maybe she will never push a DNA test and he will take responsibility for the oc and we can be done with that whole mess. But for some reason I just don't think its going to be that easy...why else would she be calling me looking for my H?? <p>I do have a question that I wonder if anyone can help me with...she says she is right at 7 months pregnant and she had the nerve to tell me the night she called that she knew that date she conceived it was May 1...so does that add up? Sorry, I have had 2 babies but my mind is no longer in a function status [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks everyone
and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Jules27,<p>If she did conceive on May 1st, that means that she is exactly 6 months and 21 days along, so close to 7 months but not quite. On Dec 1, it will be exactly 7 months. <p>You can tell what kind of woman she is by calling you and filling you in on all the details of her pregnancy. Unfortunately, there are women out there like that and I wish i had really understood that before i ever left my husband alone for 2 weeks at a time while i visited family in CA. <p>I know what you mean about your mind being in a weird funk right now. I sware, i couldn't even tell you what 2 + 3 was when i first found out. Hang in there... tonight i went to evening church, just a wonderful time of worship and praise...gives me peace (although brief, it still is something) and one thing really stuck with me... It was about living for Jesus. <p>In this big, huge mess of my life, I sometimes forget who i am living for. Is it for my h? or ow? myself? No, this heart is living for the Lord only. And once i allow my own sadness and needs to overshadow what God wants of me, I have begun to live for myself. I don't know, it is hard, but start asking God to take the focus off of your h and the situation at hand. Just lately, i have noticed that my days aren't as sad. I can function better. Of course, once the baby is born, it might be a different story. But for now, the Lord sustains me and will continue to, I am confident of that.<p>Big hugs,
Julia

Jules27, I'm late in responding to you. Two weeks into this? You have a long road in front of you. I do hope you'll get into counseling if you haven't already.<p>You had calls from ow? She sounds like our ow. Wanting "nothing" for a baby then turning around and asking for everything....hospital bills, cs, insurance.....the list goes on.<p>I think they substitute those payments for revenge. Once H's run scared and drop them they still think a baby will be the cure all attraction to sustain their "love". Usually never happens here. Especially when H is remorseful and W is willing to start over.<p>My H was still torn over what he had done at 2 weeks and was determined to have c in our lives. Over our marriage and my "murdered soul", as Jenny put it.<p>Thing gradually changed over the months as ow became an attacker of me and unwilling to allow ME to set things up.<p>Long story made short we will now begin our 18 year sentance of payments to ow as she gets to dictate our fates.<p>Again I'd like to pass some lawto not allow this act of revenge to take place. If H had wanted baby and ow didn't , again he has no rights!!!!<p>There I go blowing off steam again.....sorry.<p>We'll be here for you.<p>love
Debi

Hi there! I have a pregnancy wheel and if she conceived on May 1st, the due date would be January 22nd. I hope that this helps. The date that ow gave me tells me that the baby was born 3weeks LATE! Wish I had the nerve to call and ask her if oc was born on time, early or late! Dh denies the date of conception but does not deny the affair. <p>I hope that this day is better for you. It's a very long road ahead....and you'll be o.k. no matter what happens!

gemini1,<p>ok...where is the dotted line I need to sign on to get this law passed?? LOL I have a horrible sick feeling that OW in my situation is going to be the same way. I'm still praying that this oc is not my H I can at least hang on to that hope and make it through the holidays a little easier.<p>Julia & tinlizzy,<p>Thank you guys for the help I have a feeling it is going to be around the end of January too. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I know that however this turns out I can make it through this...not only do I have God on my side but I have found all of you and I see you surviving everyday THANK YOU AGAIN!!!<p>I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving

Jules,
can I offer you a word of advice? I hung on to the hope of that the child wasn't my H's and when the paper came in, and said "father cannot be ruled out 99.5%" I added a few new holes and a broken finger to my life at that point.
It's great to hold out a "little" hope, but I wished I really just assumed the worse until I was told otherwise. I wish I just planned on it was his to begin with. I got really sick to my stomach. My H already assumed it was his and didn't really get too emotional. I was the one worse off and it seems to have affected me emotionally for quite a while.
I really hope and pray for you that you get to be one of the fortunate ones. I will pray and keep my fingers crossed for you.<p>As for working up a law, I want to getinvolved and do that too. I know we cannot legislate morality, but we sure can be a voice that cries out in the wilderness and make some way to protect spouses and children at home from being robbed again by the courts and vengeful OP's.
It's amazing that the law will allow you to abort, adopt or what-have-you, but in our case a "one night stand" type of thing and you get a life sentence. But on the other hand, I do understand the state saying, "we don't want to pay for OC with taxpayer money"...it's a hard situation. We will come up with something!!!! We need to get our heads together and start working...heh heh...<p>Hugs to y'all,
Twiisty
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Jules,<p>I just wanted to give you a late welcome. I have been off the boards lately since this is our busy season at work. I'm off tomorrow, so I'm doing some catch up on the boards.<p>I like to make it a point to welcome new "family" when the come to the board. I remember so well my first posting here and I was welcomed with open arms by the most wonderful, compassionate, and understanding women in the world.<p>I took such comfort in knowing there were others like me and that I wasn't some freak of nature who's husband turned her life upside down.<p>My one year anniversary of d-day is coming next month. Just two days after my birthday.<p>I'm happy to say H and I have found a new spirit and life in our marriage. It was a long road and by no means smooth. But well worth it.<p>I remember the first thing a friend said to me when I broke down and told her on d-day. She said, "first question, do you love your husband?" I replied, "yes." <p>She said..."then we are going to fight for your marriage." <p>I kept fighting, even through an emotional affair (on his part). But by the grace of God, we both were awakened from a sort of sleep and realized, hey... this marriage thing is work. <p>Now we are finally reaping the benefits of hard work. <p>I hope your healing and grieving allows you to come out in a better place in all this mess. <p>Keep coming back. There's always someone to say just the right thing.<p>Z.

twiisty<p>I think you are right...I am probably just going to make matters worse for me in the long run by being in "denial" about it now. If in fact it does turn out to be my H I will probably be back at square one with all the emotions!! Its funny how the smallest things make me sick at my stomach anymore...songs, baby commercials seeing pregnant women. I swear I think I need to just go see my doctor and see if he can give me something to smoothe me out. Thanks for the advice I am going to work on it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>zebrababy,<p>Thank you for the welcome. I really appreciate it and yes, everyone here has been so helpful. I love hearing stories like yours where you and your H have become stronger and made your marriage work. I hope in a year from now I will be posting the same thing. <p>I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday...unfortunately, its back to work tomorrow.<p>Jules