full house,<p>I am going to be very candid here. I feel for your H in ways you cannot understand. He has been put in every males nightmare. His options are all pretty much lose-lose. He can stay and be faced with the reality of his marriage and your loss of love for him. He can leave and break up his family and hurt his children. Neither of these options is very good for him right now.<p>Further, as you alluded to you had a series of major decisions to make and you made each one for your best short term interests and the worst for his short and long term interests: you had the affair, you had unprotected sex (strongly suggesting that being pregnant with OM was something you would accept), you choose not to terminate, and you choose not to use adoption.<p>Each of those choices hurt your H deeply as you well know.<p>So where is he? He has to do what the counselors stated. He has to deal with it. But, he has no good way to deal with it. Why? Well obviously leaving hurts the family. Staying hurts him and maybe the family.<p>You would argue and hopefully correctly that you will do your best to make sure he is glad he stayed. But here is the rub and the real reason for this post.<p>He cannot trust that you will make decisions that will help him and protect him. Your promise to never do it again, doesn't carry as much force the wedding vows your took 22 years ago, and those were broken. <p>It seems to me FH, that it is very possible that things will be better or can be better, but he has to take a tremendous leap of faith. He has to have faith in you and that is not something he has right now. That is my bet.<p>So what to do? FH you need to communicate with your H like you have never done before. Your skills must improve and you must strive to improve them daily. You are going to have become much stronger to become a good communicator with your H.<p>Why am I pushing this? Well, another thing is very likely happening. I will speak from my vantage point only. When I was young (20', 30', even 40's), I was pretty easy to keep happy. I needed plenty of time for work, some time for recreation, and my basic needs met (you guessed it : sex). As I have become older, my needs have become much more complex and I don't think most women appreciate that this happens to most men.<p>Now sex while still something I want and need is further down the list, I need companionship with someone I can confide in (never needed that before), I needed someone with whom to plan the end game with (my retirement, where we might live, what we want to do together, etc), I need affection more than ever, work is not nearly as important, and horror of horrors watching football on TV is not that interesting to me.<p>In short I am changing because my focus is changing. Pops is younger than I, but I sense he is probably changing to. The bad news is that it will very likely be more complex to meet his needs. It will require that you two communicate on levels you haven't before. It will require that he can trust you. I will tell you that it is very likely that some of his dreams are now gone based on what has happened.<p>What does all of this mean? It means FH that it is unlikely that you can rebuild this marriage if you treat Pops the way you did before the A. It is unlikely that you can make him happy or at least happy enough to tolerate this situation with the same old things. You are going to need to communicate with him, not just talk with him. <p>In my opinion, You are going to have to watch him try and heal himself. There is nothing you can do there. But, you can really help rebuild the marriage if you realize the depths of the damage done and how much Pops has changed. Feeling guilty by the way, won't help him. I am sure he appreciates that you do and that you are sorry, but those are not actions FH, they are just feelings and feelings don't really accomplish much.<p>You did well with the breast pump issue. There are many more things coming where action will be required. <p>It seems to me there is hope for your situation, but it is going to be difficult with Grace in the picture and 4 other children to raise. But most of all because you and your H's relationship has changed. You need to learn how he has changed and work with him. But more than anything else time and patience will be required.<p>God Bless You and Your Family,<p>JL

Uh oh, off topic question burning here!!!<p>Just Learning if you don't mind my asking? How old are you???<p>It's no secret that I'm ...FORTY!!! YIKES! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>full house I'm glad you were brave enough to come back and read with your heart pounding in your throat and all, I know, I know... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>pops you'll get through this. One day at a time, just take it from one moment to the next moment. Forget about yesterday, don't get too worried about the future, just faith for today (right now) is all you need. "Now faith is..." & God is faithful... He is the only one who deserves our complete and full trust. We can trust HIM with our spouses and their decisions even when/if we don't agree. We can pray in secret and He rewards us openly. Keep the faith like I know you will!<p>You all are in my prayers...

BTDT,<p>I am advancing on 57 or to put it more delicately I am approaching the 18th anniversary of my 39th birthday. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Probably, don't remember Jack Benny constantly celebrating his 39th do you? Nah, I thought not, tooo young. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JL

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe not, but I DO remember when postage stamps were a nickel and bread was a quarter and milk was delivered in bottles right to the front door!<p>I also remember a such thing as penny candies!<p>While we're here, anything new from pops and full house? Still thinking of you guys...

btdt, i have been here reading and trying to count my blessings that i have not had the hard times some here are going through. some of the stories are so sad that i just wish i could some magic words and heal all their pain. i know however that there are no such words. i am slowly getting back to my old self. mostly when i am away from home either at work or out with the kids.for me when fh and grace are with us i find myself being distant from fh. it's as if i expect to look over and see her standing with the father of grace. and i believe fh has no feelings or cares for him. i just haven't been able to feel that grace is my child. if you want a better understanding about what i am feeling please read twiisty's post "i want to give up". she has managed to put in words exactly how i feel with the acception of i see fh's a everytime i look at grace. i am not seconds away from asking for a separation just yet either. though i have found myself talking myself into going home at the end of some days. but i quess for me all roads still lead back to my driveway. when we are at home it is much easier for me to deal with fh and grace. maybe that is that terrible thing called pride. i don't know.<p>justlearning, i don't know whether to thank you or not for your post to fh. it sure seemed to hit all the nails that i had been trying to explain to fh on the head. your post too was able to express almost exactly where i felt i was in this situation thank you<p>bottom line is that although i have some difficulty trying to put this all together as to what the rules of my marriage are now i have not decided to quit yet so the battle rages on.

Pops,<p>Just heading out of the office, almost 9 pm here. I hope you do continue to fight on. I know this is sooo hard. I am glad that something I have said helped. I only hope that FH has read it and it helps her see your situation better.<p>Sometimes things coming from a 3rd party seem clearer. I hope so. <p>Meanwhile, hang in there and keep posting.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hey pops,
Nah, I don't think it's pride... I think it is extreme hurt. & I don't think that you should sweep it underneath the rug either. I think you should express it. NOT THAT full house can do anything about it, but pour out your heart to the Lord and let Him help you. If you dig deep, you may even find that some of your hurt/anger is toward God for allowing this to happen to you. Get rid if it, if that is the case. It's just the enemy trying to get between you and Your Source. That's what the enemy is really after--your relationship with God so protect that with all your strength. God is with you. I believe His Spirit is guiding you to that driveway. Hang in there. It's okay. Your feelings do matter.

Pops I'm glad to see you checked in.<p>I know what you mean about being at work and away from the siuation. Only when I get home there is really nothing concrete to "remind" me. It's tough on you, I'm sure.<p>Does everyone outside of your home know what has happened? At work? Family?<p>Maybe they have opinions you think are against you. My guess is that they see you as a strong man trying above all else to keep his family together. <p>It's how this stranger sees things.<p>I hope you know BTDT is right in saying God hasn't let you down. He allows people a free will and that's where satan tries to tempt us with his empty promises. Affairs are empty promises. Then when a child is conceieved it is proof of betrayal in the most humiliating form to bs AND ws. A wake-up call if you will. It almost always ends things between the two sinners and they begin the uphill climb back to reality. To their family. Fh is doing that now. She needs your help. Take her hand once in a while and let her know you understand HER pain too.<p>You keep coming home. That driveway and the people inside of that home are mighty lucky to have you return each day.<p>God's peace and love to you and yours today.<p>love
Debi<p>It's how we handle things that bring us back to God.