Dear Ula,
I think you are doing the right thing to sit down with your sons like Just Learning suggested...<p>I wonder if you could somehow get your sons to meet you individually so you could talk to them alone first?<p>I respect your feeings and admire how you have rebuilt your marriage and everything, but I think your sons are probably feeling two different things at their core.<p>I could be wrong, but it seems like the oldest one is definitely angry. Angry with his mom for having an affair, and angry with you for overlooking it, so to speak... because "he could never do that" or for whatever reason...<p>The next thing, and I'm just guessing here, is that your youngest son is probably feeling rejection (EVEN THO you were/are a great dad to him). He probably feels like MJ said that her life was a lie when she discovered she was adopted. I really like what her father said to her. I think you should tell him something like that--he is yours and he will always be, you love him unconditionally, and that is that.<p>But with your oldest, he has something to learn about relationships and forgiveness and why you chose to forgive your wife and how.<p>I don't know if it is possible, but somehow, I keep feeling like two different conversations are in order.<p>I would think you could do it in one joint meeting, but they are both hurting in different ways and THEIR feelings need to be addressed before you can expect them to respect yours...<p>Didn't you know? That's how KIDS operate! You have to win their respect by giving them a little first. After all, you are the dad and your arm is way longer than theirs, even if they are grown. They are still young and have a lot to learn and their reaction to your situation has proven this.<p>In any case, good luck! I'll be praying for you and thinking of you this Sunday! For sure!!!<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Tigger<p>I feel like I have never been a confrontational person, undoubtedly this made it easier for W for many years, so I don&#8217;t think I will put them on the defensive. Perhaps I have been fortunate in my life because I have almost always been able to at least appear calm and act rationally in both personal (with one notable exception, upon discovery) and work relationships. I am sure they have apprehensions about this get-together anyway so my aim is to engage in a relaxed conversation and when it feels like the timing is right, I will express my happiness and comfort in my present situation with W and explain some of the work and reasoning that went into my decisions. I will then encourage them to tell me how they feel about themselves, then ask about their feelings towards me and finally allow them to vent about their mom. This is the part I dread the most because I truly love the woman.<p>Thanks for sparing a few of your precious moments thinking of me. You have my admiration in handling your situation as well as raising three children. What a full time job!<p>Just another Joe<p>This meeting is the first step in that process. I understand what you are saying and I realize how important closure is for our mental well being. I cannot however control their minds, only attempt to point them in the right direction and encourage them to work on it. <p>BinthereDunthat<p>Yes, you are quite correct that they have different issues. The youngest definitely feels rejection but one good thing about him is that he is much more emotionally aware and mature than his older brother. He has held meaningful dialogues with his mother and at least recognizes that he must deal with this trauma. His brother simply shut down and tells me he is O.K.. He refuses any contact with his mother and yet he will talk to his brother about her and says he will never talk to her again. My thinking is that perhaps in the presence of his brother he will feel more comfortable opening up to me. I just don&#8217;t know. This is an enigma to me and I guess I am just following my instincts here. <p>Just Learning <p>Thanks for your concern<p>God Bless You All<p>Usedlongago

ULA,<p>Just checking up on you to see how the weekend went. How did the weekend go with your sons?? Hopefully, somethings have gotten started with regard to a dialogue.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Just Learning<p> We were able to get together for a couple of hours and had a very nice visit. That is about it though. The only thing I was able express was my comfort in the relationship with their mother and that she is not the same woman that they saw a year ago. The oldest son has inherited his mother's previous ability (it amazed the therapist when we first met with one, how well she could channel the flow of questions away from her) to avoid any emotional conflict by anticipating and redirecting conversation away from his inner feelings. As soon as the time was right to talk about emotional things, he suddenly had to go. I do feel like the ground work has been laid though and we all agreed that we should meet on a somewhat regular basis.<p>Thanks for asking. I am somewhat disappointed in my inability to lead the conversation but it sure was good just to see them together again. I'm afraid it is going to be a long road but I am willing to give them as much time as they need.<p>Used Long Ago

ULA,<p>Actually, it sounds as if it went as well as one could expect. It is the opening move and that is all that counts. Your oldest my well have inherited or learned your W's mechanism very well. I suspect that it will take time and your continued contact with them. Hopefully, at sometime they can be around your W. Knowing that you see a change in her approach to things and then seeing a change for themselves may open the doors.<p>It will take time. Sadly, there is no real solution to this issue, because nothing can be undone. All that can happen is that your boys will decide that it would be pleasant to have your W/their Mother in their life. It sounds as if they do want you in their lives. That is good.<p>So have faith ULA. You are a strong man and you have done a remarkable thing. Hopefully, your W will see the strength and learn from it. If she does then there is hope that your sons will see the use of having her in their lives again.<p>One thing I hope you can redirect is the natural response of your W to be angry and then write them off. That will guarentee that she will lose one if not both of them. It will also make living with her hard for you. So whatever you can do to keep her outlook optimistic and forgiving will help all concerned in the years to come; especially her.<p>God Bless,<p>JL