Lynxxy<p>You are out of line and you are disrespectful. You asked for advice and points of view and you got them. You didn't like what the people said and you lost control of yourself and came off in a less than dignified manner, screaming and carrying on.<p>You asked if you should tell BS and the concensus was 'No'.<p>This is Marriage Builders and the people who are members here are only interested in giving and receiving advice on how to heal and restore marriages. <p>Catnip =^^=

unsure,, i do not know of whose style you are speaking but i do know that this thread has done nothing positive for those who are on this site for marriage recovery. it has done nothing but insight some very hurtful memories to many who have enough pain without this crap. <p>lynxxy,,, you have said that you came here for advice. you have heard basically the same thing from at least 1/2 dozen different people. you should understand by now that most everyone here whether male or female have been betrayed and carries some serious form of resentment for other man or woman. the main reason is that no matter how bad their marriage might have been ( with the exception of abuse) there is NO reason on GOD"S earth for a spouse to cheat on his partner. what i will assume happens to most is that (as in my case i have been married 22 years) a husband or wife tends to want to trust their wayward spouse. we tend to want to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them when they say they are "just friends". after all we love our mates and (although we may be blind to it) haven't noticed the communication break off with our mate. they then fall victim to the temptations of someone with a lack of morality and have an affair. please don't try to defend yourself as i know that people make mistakes. they make mistakes because they lose their character and forget their morals. <p>i personally don't care if you are over your snake or not. you are however a grown woman who knows right from wrong and have had the opportunity to here from some BS's. all of whom have given plenty of good advice. please don't think that this thread hasn't been nice or hasn't been real. it just hasn't been real nice for many here. so you should have a pretty good idea of what those here think. now take that advice and either use it or throw it away and then go away.<p>i hope i haven't over stepped my bounds to all those who tried to help this poor wayward sole. i would not ask anyone to leave because i now how much you all have helped me. this person just simply wants to argue both sides of a one sided story. <p>i'm through with this thread,
pops

oh and one last thing. you were right i did not mean to be insulting by implying that you were naive and stupid. <p>but i am saying it here. you have chosen to ignore some excellent advice. need i say more.

Pops,<p>I know that you have not offended me, and, in fact, I did notify Xarelel, as this thread has taken a bit of a nasty turn. I have left it up to her as to what needs to be done. I understand your frustration, and she has gotten even more than just us on P/C to offer her advice. She has basically the same thread on the Recovery board. I think that from this point, we should let it go. We have offered her the advice she was seeking, and like I said in my post, advice is free to take or ignore. If she has any more valid questions, we may choose to answer them, but at this point, I don't think any more can be said for where she's at right now. So, don't feel bad for your response. You made very valid points. <p>As to what Unsure was talking about, for the past year, we have had a particular "crasher" who shows up every 3-4 months to cause trouble. This "crasher" always starts out with valid questions, but then turns the tables, and gets this attitude, usually about the OC and father's w/no contact and so on and so forth. Usually, when this happens, more than one name is being used. It is a pattern that is yet repeating itself again. We have survived it before, and will again! I have just begun to ignore them, once they get to that point. I just get tired of the back and forth that starts up, and hope it doesn't get to that point again(speaking of our board VS. the "other" board, and this is not a invite for either to "crash" the other, PLEASE for anyone lurking, hence, not mentioning any other board names) Hope I didn't totally confuse you! It's been a long day, so I am going to go lay on the couch and watch the olympics then go to bed.<p>Let's just try to get along, and if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. In other words, please no name calling.<p>Ok, I'm done being mommy for the night.<p>Love,<p>Tigger

To all of you who understood where I was coming from and offered great advice, I thank you.<p>To the rest of you - the ones who attacked, insulted and belittled me, the ones who are trying to shove in my face that somehow I am not the one moving on... all I say is you have missed the whole point and you seem to be very angry people. I sought the advice of the betrayed simply because I wondered if a wife, like the one in my situation, would want to know that her husband is STILL pursuing another woman. Clearly, you don't see that my intentions are twofold - 1. Because I DO care for him as a person and I would like very much to see him happy. 2. Because it makes it a heck of a lot easier for me to get on with my life when I don't have someone crying the blues to me and playing on my guilt all the time. Maybe you take offense because you can't stand the fact that this MM is STILL pursuing the OW. But whatever, I didn't come here asking you to judge me as a person, tell me whether or not this man ever cared for or loved me. Those are not concerns of mine as I in my heart know the answers and they are good enough for me. I also didn't come here for you to keep telling me he loves his wife so much. I hope his does, but I ask all of you this....if he does, why is he trying with everything in him to get me back, why is he telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go and he will leave again and it will all be different this time, why is he telling me he cannot stand to even be with his wife because there is so much tension? I'll tell you why, because he is one CONFUSED man. I don't care if he loves her or not. I ASSUME he does on some level, but it does not mean there is any hope of them ever resolving anything and staying together in a way that is satisfactory to either of them. I WISH they would work it out, I WSIH they would get therapy, I WISH they would DO just a fraction of the work necessary to explore what in the world is wrong between them. I want all these things for the two reasons I stated earlier - for me AND for him. I wanted her to be clued in a bit because maybe she doesn't have a clue where her husband's head is. I don't know. Maybe niether of them have any coping skills or communication skills or maybe so many years of stuffing it inside has rendered them both paralyzed....I don't know, but I don't want their marriage to continue to erode. WHY? Gee, maybe because it's hard for me to see someone I once cared about about so much coming to me when it's too late. That doesn't make me feel good. I am human, I care for him as a person. I also think it's a shame for them both. And yes, I feel some guilt. I have met a wonderful man. We are very happy, we TALK, we go on vacations together, we talk, we make love. They don't. How do I know that? I just do. Anyone who is truly happy and fufilled with their mate isn't spending every free moment trying to win someone else back. And if you don't agree with that, I suggest you do some serious reading on affairs. YES, she meets some of his needs, that's why he went back. But she doesn't meet the emotional ones and he doesn't let her....so he looks for that elsewhere. Sorry guys, it's not all about sex at all. It's about being with someone you care about but being so lonely when you are with them that it hurts and not knowing how or being too scared to find out how to fix that. That's where the problem lies. I came along and met those emotional needs and things at home stabilized for some time. That happens quite often.
Then you all accuse me of not being over him. Why do that? Just to be mean? None of this has been easy for me. I do not encourage and accept phone calls. He does not call me at home or weekends. He attempts contact with me at work. And yes, I AM looking for a new job, very actively might I add. Those who say I should just be as cold as can be and tell him he can never speak to me again are a bit unrealistic. While that MAY be the best thing to do, it's not real life. If someone you care about is a mess and seeking your help, don't tell me it's easy to turn away. It's not, and it hurts me to continually have to bein that position. That's what I HAVE been doing and it's HARD. Maybe you can't understand that. Maybe you haven't been in that position but it is hard when you want to comfort someone and ease some of their pain but you know you can't and you have to turn them away. It's TOUGH love. Ever had to use that? Ever had a 35 year old alcoholic sibling so deserate for alcohol, so desperate for help but refused to get it? So the professionals told you you HAVE to abandon them COMPLETELY and only then, MAYBE, will they get help? Well I was there, and I DID the tough love and it hurt then too! And it was too late, she died from the affects of alcohol withdrawl two months after we took that stance, and I live everyday wondering if I could done something different. I couldn't enable, so I HAD to abandon and it's HARD when it's someone you care about, and sometimes they DIE, whether it be physically like she did, or emotionally.
I've decided to write him a letter, explaining my feeling on things and ONCE again suggesting he get some help. I am also considering the idea someone else here came up with about sending his wife the book "His needs and Her needs" I think that's a decent idea. I have no idea what goes thru her mind, I know only what I have seen and witnessed. No, she is in no way at fault for the affair, but when you leave an emotional void SO huge that one of you can pull off a six year affair, you are both doing something radically wrong. That's just a fact. Anyone read Emily Brown's excellent books? She describes this affair to the T. I have even had a session with her where she explaines that couples like this, especially ones who have been married a long time, have a very slim chance of making it work SATISFACTORILY after this kind of an affair. She also notes the factors that cause this type of an affair. She says an affair like this is a HUGE wake up call, a chance for the couple to do that incredibly painful and hard work it would take to go on and find love an intimacy again. Doing NOTHING results in an "empty shell marriage" and I'm sorry, THAT'S what's happening to them. How do I know? Because he wouldn't be still trying to get me to come back if things were fufilling at home. That's not her fault alone, it's BOTH their faults.<p>I guess the next question you'll ask is "ok, so what do you care if you are supposed to be over him?" Well what can I say? I CARE about him. Is that so bad? I am allowed to care about someone. I am not pursuing him, I am not encouraging him, I do not want him back. I am not bothering him in any way. Is wanting peace for someone you care for so bad? And yes, as I said earlier, some of it for me too. It's HARD to move on when someone you care for isn't moving on too. But did I say I was not going to move on because of it? No I didn't, I simply said it makes it harder. My single guy and I ARE going to stay together, I love him very much. <p>I am sorry some of you felt the need to attack me. I honeslty came here for advice, and a lot of you belittled me, called me stupid, posted as if I was still waiting for this guy. I resent that. Seems you read only what you want to. I can only assume that is because I strike such a nerve with you, the fact that I WAS the OW and the MM is still pursuing. I hate to tell you, but unless the marriage gets dealt with, that's usually what happens...he either goes back to the OW, finds a new one and eventually has an "out the door affair" meaning he's SO lonely and miserbale now he uses the affair as an excuse to get out, OR even worse, they live in an empty shell the rest of their lives. I didn't say this was all YOUR situations, but yes, this happens and happens OFTEN.
Again, to those who understood my dilema and what I was trying to accomplish, I thank you. I know i have to shut him and out continue to stand firm. All I can really do is HOPE that he and she get help and work hard at things, but I can't MAKE that happen. I tried to fix him for all those years and all it did was distract him and them from the reality that they are both crashing into now. I don't want to continue being the savior. I've got my own life to live and a lot of excitment ahead of me. I hope with ALL my heart he can find some of the same. I DO care for him and for that, I will not apologize.

And one last thing to DEAR JULIA who hides behind God and all her "prayers"....you are a very mean woman. Don't you ever tell me I don't really want him to reconcile his marriage. People so cynical and cold make me sick. You just can't believe that someone who made mistakes in the past doesn't have a good heart. I feel sorry for you. You missed the whole point. Sorry I ever asked for the advice.

John 8<p>1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
7But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
11"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Lynnxxy<p>Get out, get away.<p>Your MM is still in your life and it is disrespectful to your new man to do so. In addition, your MM is a coward who cannot do the hard work that it takes to save his marriage. He obviously can't let go of his dear wife but he is clueless as to how to change.<p>He will never figure that out for himself as long as you are in the picture. I am glad you are looking for a new job. Block his calls and emails. Write the letter to his wife and give it to him to look at. Tell him you will send it if he doesn't leave you alone, meaning NO CONTACT.<p>Getting a restraining order in the meantime is a great idea. You have to make a clean break. You may be aware of situations where friendships have continued but it is VERY rare. In addition, while some of the folks on your thread have been unkind, they know what they are talking about. No one commits to their relationship when the OP is in the picture.<p>Focus on your own relationship. You may not realize it but the energy of the MM is sucking from your own. Certainly, your MM's obsession with you is distracting him from his own marriage. You two should have no further contact ever.
Good luck on your new life with your new job and new man. BTW - I think people are confused because this is posted in the Pregnancy/Child forum. In addition, this thread is getting quite long, people are busy and sometimes I think people respond after skimming or looking at original post without reading later points and clarifications. Please be understanding as many people are going through the darkest times of their lives.

Nurse Betty - I've tried to be understanding. It's too bad I could not have been treated with the same respect.

Psalm 32:7<p>You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me from the shouts of deliverance.<p>Psalm 119:114<p>You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word. Depart from me you evildoers that I may keep the commandments of my God.<p>
You don't understand what a priviledge it is to have God as a hiding place. And don't worry, I am not insulted when it comes to making fun of me praying for you or letting God speak through me in order to shine light on your situation. The real one who is insulted is God, himself. I don't profess to be better than you or anyone else. And I do believe that someone can truly learn from their wrongs, I am one of those people. I am sorry if I don't quite understand your points.
J

I am locking this thread. I have sat back and let it go it's own way. I see no value in letting it continue further. The advise asked for has been given.<p>This is the wrong section of the forum for this thread anyway; as one member has already mentioned.