Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is our last court date either way re: H having unsupervised visitation. All of you who I chat with know I'm taking a step back from all of this after today. (It's 12 midnight where I am.) I'm not sure what I what the outcome to be. I've been praying and asking God to do what's right for our family if OC should be a part of our lives let her if not then let that be the out come.<p>Unsure

Unsure, It has been awhile, I hope you are doing well. You sound good from this post and I will be praying for you. I agree with the view you have taken and think it is best for your peace of mind. Well, at least that is how it sounds to me from how you sound. You, your family and the oc will all be in my thoughts and prayers, Peace and love to you and yours. Gabi1116<p>[ March 25, 2002: Message edited by: gabi1116 ]</p>

Keeping the faith together with you for God's perfect will to be done!<p>I truly believe God will continue helping you guys get through this difficult situation...<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

My thoughts and prayers are with you today, Unsure.<p>(((HUGS)))

Keep us updated! Add my prayers to your group of supporters!<p>Love,<p>Tigger

Storming the heavens for your success in court.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Gabi, BTDT, Tigger, Stacie and Catnip thank you all for your support!<p>
Here's the update: H, our lawyer and exOW were in mediation. The mediation room door is so thin I can hear everything and I was sitting 3 chairs away from the door. As soon as they go in the room the lawyer states what we want the mediator asks exOW why she has a problem with unsupervised visitation she goes on this tirade of lies about me. She didn't say one negative thing about my H she made the mediator think we were a Jerry Springer episode her and I fighting while H is sitting in the middle smiling. She accused me of everything in the book including saying my youngest daughter was not my husbands child! LOL I'm sorry I think this is funny as heck. She told the mediator he didn’t tell me his wife was pregnant. My H yells at her it wasn’t any of your business! I don’t get this she keeps bringing this up that if she knew I was pregnant things would have been different. I guess she wouldn’t have purposely gotten pregnant. (She admitted this to me) Anyway the mediator calls me in the room and proceeds to accuse me of going after exOW when I should be upset with my H. After she calmed down I told her I blamed my H for the affair I explained that exOW didn't owe me anything my H was the one who broke our vows. <p>The mediator said, well exOW thinks you have a lot of anger towards her. I said when I forgave my H for the affair I forgave exOW even though she didn’t ask for my forgiveness. I then told the mediator the reason why I forgave exOW is that if I kept harboring anger towards her that I wouldn’t be able to move past the affair. I stated the only innocent parties were me, my children and OC. I told her I would have been willing to get to know OC and that I welcomed her in our home. I harbor no anger towards OC because she reminded me of my children and it would be like hating one of your own children. I then stated if this was all about us fighting over my husband I got him! I filed for a D and he did what it took to keep me. I said if he wanted her he would be with her, he made his choice and it was me. She was so pissed. She told the mediator she thinks she so superior than me look at how she looks at me. The mediator says there’s nothing wrong with the way she’s looking at you. I wanted to say so bad that I never told you I was superior than you but you obviously feel that I am. We didn’t reach an agreement we go up to the court room.<p>In front of the judge our lawyer states our case. We were only asking for one day a week for a few hours. exOW tells the judge she doesn’t feel comfortable with OC coming to our house and being around me. She shows the judge an email I was stupid enough to be nice and copy her on it. H woke up really sick one day and was going to miss his visit he wanted me to call exOW but I was like heck No. Not after everything so I wrote our lawyer an email explaining H was sick and saying he wasn’t going to have his visit and in the email I stated I CC exOW so she wouldn’t be left hanging. A week later she send our lawyer an email stating tell your clients wife if she contacts me again I will press harassment charges against her she fails to realize this has nothing to do with her. I was so mad at myself for trying to be civil. Anyway she shows the judge a copy of this email he reads the email and says Mrs. Unsure I want to thank you for trying to be civil. He told exOW that she should have thanked me for contacting her and not leaving her hanging. He told her to stop being thin skinned and realize that I was a major part of Mr. Unsure life. He told her that if she called my H and I answered the phone she would have to deal with it. He told her that if Mr. “U” can’t contact you to tell you he won’t be visiting I support 100% that Mrs. “U” contacts you. She was like I don’t want his wife involved at all. He told her too bad she had to face the facts of life he said you are being unreasonable. <p>The part that pisses me off is H has 8 weeks of unsupervised visitation with just him, our children and OC. But he can’t bring OC to our home. I cannot go out on any outings with them for the next 8 weeks. Because exOW told him that she didn’t feel safe with OC around me. The judge said he wanted to walk into this. So my H picks OC up from the grandmother’s house (exOW can not be there the judge warned her not to be there at all!) alternate Sat and Sun 12-5 p.m. and he is suppose to go out on and outing with two toddlers by himself this is going to be interesting. Our boys are 11 and 8 our D just turned 2 on 3/15 OC is 15months old. There’s no way in the world H is going to be able to handle all these children by himself. The judge then apologized to me he said Mrs. “U” I don’t want you to think this is a attack against your character (sp?) but I want to move slow with this. First we introduced your H to OC now we are getting the kids used to each other and then you will be a part of all the visits. He then said to exOW in 8 weeks OC will be apart of Mrs. “U” life he said OC will be allowed in the family home and will eventually have overnight visits. She said I don’t know why H can’t be a part of OC’s life without his family I don’t want OC around his wife. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] The judge looked at her and said too bad Mr. “U” has rights and one of those rights is to be part of OC’s life for as long as he wants to be. And if he’s a part of OC’s life Mrs. “U” will be a part of OC’s life you have to get used to it and get ready to accept the fact that OC will be in the family home and will be a part of their family. The judge than said to her do you understand this? She again tried to object he said sternly DO YOU UDERSTAND what I just told you? She meekly said yes and stomped out the court room when he told us we could leave. <p>At first I was really pissed I told my H and his lawyer I wasn’t happy with the outcome and I felt left out. Saturday’s are our family fun day. We do something every Sat. together as a family it’s helped all of us get closer. I was pissed because every other Saturday I would be left out of our family outings. I was so mad I cried all the way home! I told H I didn’t think we would ever be a family again that I was sick and tired of dealing with a vindictive woman. I told him for the first time I was thinking about asking him to end contact. I dropped my H off home and told him I couldn’t deal with being in the house right now so I leave. He tells my mother who was babysitting our D that I was upset he asked her if she would please call me because he was worried about me. I talk to my Mom she calms me down and explains that she can understand why the judge did what he did. That OC was really young still and how would I feel if my D was just thrown in a situation with a bunch of strangers. She said if things don’t work out at the next court date to leave it alone. I know this was really long if you got to the bottom of this tell me what you think. I decided to use the next 4 alternate Saturdays as free time for me no kids or a H bugging me. On Sundays the visits will be shorter and he will take all four of the kids to his mothers house. The Sunday visits will be from 4:30 to 6:30 or 7pm. I’ll go for a walk to the park and get my laps in. I hope the weather warms up quick. I haven’t posted and update in a while I’m feeling great mentally I really think today was some type of closure for me. I’m too tired to continue. Thanks again for all you support all comments would be appreciated. <p>
Tee <p>PS- Excuse all typos and spelling errors. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Unsure:<p>While I certainly understand how you feel as I would probably feel much the same way (Hell, I know I would), I think an effective way for you to resolve this thing with yourself is to indeed use these alternative Saturdays anyway you wish doing exactly what you want. In fact, if it were me, I would spend the time exercizing, doing my hair, maybe give myself a facial and just pamper myself.<p>What happened in court is really typical standard operating procedure and even though it is hard not to take it personally, this is how the script usually goes. The courts like to do the fancy two step ordering scheduled visits without the NCP's spouse and then eveentually incorporate her/him into the mix in time, just like the Judge said. All in all, I think it sounds as if it went very well and ultimately in your favor. Just go with the flow and the OC will be spending time with you in your home and be there for overnights soon enough. One step at a time. <p>The court thing is always an ordeal. What really gets me is how the mediators and judges are always on the side of the single custodial parent and anything they say about us is immediately believed.... at first. You couldn't have handled the situation better with the judge or with more dignity.<p>I for one am very proud of you.<p>Impressed,<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Catnip,<p>"The court thing is always an ordeal. What really gets me is how the mediators and judges are always on the side of the single custodial parent and anything they say about us is immediately believed.... at first."<p>You are right the first thing the mediator said was exOw I'm pretty sure you didn't know he was a married man and Mrs. "U" you didn't know he was cheating? I said yes she did know he was a married man I spoke to her pre-affair. Her face dropped and she said oh and began to listen to me. <p>"You couldn't have handled the situation better with the judge or with more dignity."<p>Thank you very much it means a lot especially coming from you. Your opinion/advice has earned my respect this last year.<p>I forgot to tell you guys that I told exOW I have nothing to gain or lose if OC is a part of our lives. I said I have a father for my children and he's a great father. I said you need to be a mother and put your child first. The mediator agreed with me and asked do you or don't you want a father for your child? <p>Just to let you all know I'm feeling a lot better I felt so impowered in the mediation room. knowing she was threatend by me. I wasn't nervous or anything. My h told me he was proud of me and he couldn't have been more proud of my actions. He also thanked me and told me for the first time and a long time he actually felt physical pain looking at me knowing I was upset and hurt. <p>I also realize we had a lot of small victories and this is the way the court system works.<p>Thanks again for your support Catnip.<p>Tee<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Unsure, <p>I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you too! You did a great job! You could've stewed about the visitation and made it really horrible on yourself, but you chose to look at it differently and do something positive for yourself. Good for you! You are a strong woman!<p>tinlizzy

Tinlizzy,<p>Thank you very much! It was so hard to do the right thing in the beginning but now that I'm not as emotional it's much easier. When you realize that someone is afraid of you and needs to lie on you to attempt to make themselves look better. You look at things differently. My D-day was 9/11/00. Ironic huh. Since then my H has had nothing to do with exOW (well 7 months before then) he's turned back into the man I fell in love with. And we both used this as a learning experience. I am truly happy in my marriage. My kids are happy. My MIL and I were talking tonight she gave H the o.k. to bring the kids to her house so he won't be wandering the streets. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But she decided not to be available until I'm able to be a part of OC's life. She wants my H to suffer she said I want him to lie in the bed he made. This woman is a great mother who loves her children but she also loves me and looks at me as one of her children. She on her own decided my H needed to see what it was like to be a single parent without me to bail him out. She said I will make sure I'm not home when he comes over. I love this woman so much. She wants H to be fustrated and to realize what a mother has to go through. When you have a support system like this what more do you need? Besides you guys at MB. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks again for the support.<p>Tee

Tee, <p>You are blessed to have a MIL like that! She deserves an extra big hug, huh?!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tinlizzy:
<strong>Tee, <p>You are blessed to have a MIL like that! She deserves an extra big hug, huh?!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yes She does I'll give her one this weekend. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

TWO THINGS:<p>1. Change your moniker from "Unsure" to "Guardedly Optimistic" or "Pretty Sure" because this is sounding better and better.<p>2. As a member of this forum, I move to elect Unsure's Mother-In-Law as our honorary Marriage Builders Forum Immediate Family mascot, role model for all other mothers-in-law and a symbol of real love (tough love) and integrity. Oh, to have that kind of support from your spouse's mother is nothing short of sublime.<p>All in favor, say "aye".<p>Catnip =^^=

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by catnip:
<strong>TWO THINGS:<p>1. Change your moniker from "Unsure" to "Guardedly Optimistic" or "Pretty Sure" because this is sounding better and better.<p>2. As a member of this forum, I move to elect Unsure's Mother-In-Law as our honorary Marriage Builders Forum Immediate Family mascot, role model for all other mothers-in-law and a symbol of real love (tough love) and integrity. Oh, to have that kind of support from your spouse's mother is nothing short of sublime.<p>All in favor, say "aye".<p>Catnip =^^=</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You know you have my vote. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This lady is great she's also been in my/our shoes! Her H my FIL had two OC's. They split up for years. We talked about it last night she said she wanted a "D" but was brought up to believe you were married for life no matter what. When she asked him to file for one he said, no ones getting a "D" because of her beliefs she felt she had no choice but to stay married. I guess he wanted to play for a while and then come back home. She said she secretly wish he would file for a "D" and she would be free. Him leaving her not for OW just leaving in general made her a stronger person it allowed her to grow up. My FIL came back to live with her after he had gotten in trouble and spent some time in jail. They slept in seperate BR's etc..... I met him when he came back and I tried not to be judgemental. H and I were only 19 & 18 at the time we just had our first son. <p>I ended up falling in love with this man he also looked at me as if I was his daughter. We Pop's and I talked a lot and we talked about how he regretted his past and wished he could go back and make up for his mistakes. He told me the only woman he ever loved was my MIL. We had Pop's in our life for two years and he died of cancer.
They never got back together as H and wife they became great friends though. <p>I didn't realize the range of emotions my MIL went through. I knew my H was hurt because he just got his father back and he was gone again. But MIL went through all of the D-day stuff to current. I hadn't realized that. I met the two OC 's for the first time at Pops furneral. They were really young. Maybe 10 or 11 I was shocked. My H who was the baby was about 21 or 22 when Pops died. Anyway I just wanted you to know why this woman was so great. She was raised differently than me but she isn't going to let my H off easy. He hurt her just as much as he hurt me. She said I have never seen someone so lucky as H he married into a family where everyone loves him. And even after knowing what he did to you no one passes judgement on him they still love him. She said H was really blessed and had to realize how lucky he was. <p>Thanks again all for your support. Catnip eventually I will change my name. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Tee

AYE! AYE! GO MIL! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by UNSure919400:
<strong> I wanted to say so bad that I never told you I was superior than you but you obviously feel that I am.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm sure everyone in the ROOM noticed the obvious. I couldn't agree with you more on this. <p>I bet your involvement with her kid is much more than she bargained for. It just draws that much more attention to her poor choices in life. UGH!<p>Looking back, if MM's wife was involved in my OC's life, I would have been EMBARRASSED. She (xOW) must have felt like dirt. You know? Just LOW. I'm sorry, but being an OW in court is utterly humiliating... been there...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
<strong>AYE! AYE! GO MIL! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <p>I'm sure everyone in the ROOM noticed the obvious. I couldn't agree with you more on this. <p>Thank You! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I bet your involvement with her kid is much more than she bargained for. It just draws that much more attention to her poor choices in life. UGH!<p>You are right she wants my H to be invovled in OC's life but she doesn't want me in the picture. I was so happy the judge told her to be realistic.<p>Looking back, if MM's wife was involved in my OC's life, I would have been EMBARRASSED. She (xOW) must have felt like dirt. You know? Just LOW. I'm sorry, but being an OW in court is utterly humiliating... been there...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you for sharing this with me. I admire the way your are able to understand both sides of the coin and still give great advice to whoever needs it.<p>Thank You for your support. I'm trying to get the hang of this quoting feature as you can tell.
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Unsure

AYE!!!!<p>(((((((Hugs)))))))))) to you Unsure...just caught up on your thread....Hope to catch you online soon...<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

AYE!