CM:<p>"My husband and family are first, finally, in my life. That is why I am contemplating telling him all this. Not OM. But he still is on my "list" of people that I care for. How do I change that? I don't know how to do it and I feel that part of me is resisting cutting him out of my life compeltely."<p>This is where your H comes in, after he's been told and has gotten over the initial shock of the truth. I told my W last night that I want to be there to comfort her when she's feeling withdrawl from OM, and we got very close as a result of that, and other productive discusions (for about 2 hours!). It is truly amazing just how similarly we all behave in this kind of situation. I'm seeing all the things I've read about these past 4 months coming true in our own relationship, and it's truly wonderful. I can see now that we're going to come out of this closer and stronger than ever before, and that gives me the best goosebumpy feeling I think I've ever felt. <p>Once your H has gone through the stages of coming to grips with the truth, preferably through sites and Cs like this one, he will realize that your withdrawl from OM will need his help and love. You definitely can't be expected to switch off your feelings for OM, but remember that the continued contact, however innocent it may seem, is what yanks you back emotionally in time every time it happens. The sooner you can curtail those incidents, the better for your emotional well-being. <p>"I felt so sad when I read your recommendation of the no contact letter. I know what that means. Just cut him out of my life and end 6 years on a bad note. It feels like a death just thinking about it."<p>It is exactly like grieving a death. But it's one of those exclusive life choices we all have to make - chosing one alternative at the expense of all others, whether it be a R, a house, a job, a hometown, all those things.<p>"Not because I don't love my husband. Just that OM was a big part of my life for quite some time. Can you tell me what to say in this letter? Is the letter soppose to be done after H is told? Is it mean and cold?"<p>This website has sample "no contact" letters, though someone else will have to point you to where they are. It doesn't need to be mean or cold, just firm and not with any emotional "handles" to give the OP any hope that, if they do some small thing, there's a chance to win you back. It should be written after your H is told, and should be written by BOTH of you, or written by you and agreed to by your H, before being sent to OM.<p>Keep at it, CM. This will be very hard for a few months, but you will be a much happier person in the long run for being honest. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

UW,<p>You are right, I am juggling here. I want to protect them both still. More so my H but still ex-om alittle. At least from doing something that will obviously hurt him. If I had known the pain the A would cause my H and relationship with him before it started, I would hope I would have felt this same way. (I used to half joking say that to OM when we tried to predict the future, Oh, if only I had a crystal ball.) How much pain could have been avoided if only.
I can understand how this looks like I'm not caring at all about my H. I do, I really do. Right now, as it stands he doesn't know. OM has been the only person before coming to this site, who I could talk to about any of this. I haven't been able to talk to my H. I worry constantly about how this will affect my H and our lives.
The lesser problem I face is that I worry about how telling him now will affect OM too. He has asked me to wait for the reasons I mentioned and I feel that I'd be perpetuating my selfish behavior by not considering his request. It seems reasonable to me. Maybe that is my gulibilty for him but it seems logical considering his life is about to change temporarily until he can secure new employment. He says he wants to be in a position that he is at least standing up and ready if my husband walks out on my son. He said he expects that his wife will leave him. He will need to be able to support her and their 2 children, leave them the house, etc. along with my son. If it goes as I hope, my husband will choose to stay with me, raise our very loved child who looks at daddy as if he hung the moon and OM will be happy to carry on and whether he tells his wife or not, is his business. Does that sound reasonable only to me or am I being a complete fool?

CM,<p>Don't you find it interesting that you are hoping that your H will stay with you after he finds out the level of deception, AND your OM is certain that his W will leave him? My guess is that he sort of hope she does, then it validates his affair (she didn't really love me, so the affair wasn't so bad). The sad fact is that she probably does love him a lot, and will probably do her best to deal with this and maintain the family.<p>CM, your OM is either going to be out of work for a long time, in which case there is no reason to wait, because the situation won't have a short term solution. OR your OM is going to find another job rather quickly, in which case there is no reason to wait, because it will take time for your H to really decide what to do, and you have stated that you can support your child with or without him or the OM. There is another time line running and that is the one of Assumed Paternity, is that what you are waiting for? So that your H won't have any choices?<p>CM, the OM and his situation is not a good reason to delay doing this IF you have decided to do it. If you haven't the OM is not a good basis for making that decision. Your current thinking means that the OM is more important than your H, and that OM is still running your life, your child's life, and your H's life. Two out of those three are unaware of his control on their lives and one of them (your H) has every right to have control of his own life.<p>CM make the decision, then tell your H if that is your decision. The only issue should really be how best to do it (with a counselor present, with a plan developed with you and counselor, or on your own). As you know there will be no plan that doesn't just devastate your H. But, the odds are he will survive it, and less favorable odds (although still in your favor) is that he will remain with you. <p>Again, the OM shouldn't be part of this issue. His part came when the decision of who would raise the child and who would have contact with the child was made. That has been decided: you are going to raise the child, your H has been picked to raise the child, and the OM has opted to bow out to protect himself and his family.<p>ALL future decisions about your marriage, your child, any future children are between you and your H or they should be.<p>Keep thinking and praying CM, you have it in you to do the right thing.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

CM:<p>"OM has been the only person before coming to this site, who I could talk to about any of this."<p>I understand you have strong feelings for the OM, and I know you understand (as my W is beginning to) why I come across as perhaps unnecessarily harsh toward OMs (my W's in particular, but they're all pretty much the same), but my point is this: If this guy was such a great "friend in times of need" when you were having M problems, why, for Rice Cake, didn't he politely say "no" when faced with the choice to get emotionally and physically involved with you while you and he were M'd? I have absolutely no respect whatsoever for my W's OM for this very reason, though I don't hate him either.

"I haven't been able to talk to my H."<p>By having an A with OM, you were simply not capable of giving your H a chance. He didn't know what was wrong, and so he couldn't help. Ironically, OM couldn't help either. He could only take advantage of you, whether intentionally or otherwise.<p>"I worry constantly about how this will affect my H and our lives."<p>It will affect them tremendously, to be sure. Painfully, at first, but then eventually you will all be much stronger and wiser for the experience. Whether you stay together or not.<p>"The lesser problem I face is that I worry about how telling him now will affect OM too."<p>But the only thing you can do here is try your best to stop worrying about this.<p>"He has asked me to wait for the reasons I mentioned and I feel that I'd be perpetuating my selfish behavior by not considering his request."<p>No. You'd be perpetuating HIS selfish (and unintentionally cruel) behavior by considering his request.<p>"It seems reasonable to me. Maybe that is my gulibilty for him but it seems logical considering his life is about to change temporarily until he can secure new employment."<p>Doesn't seem at all reasonable to me. Seems contrived.<p>"He says he wants to be in a position that he is at least standing up and ready if my husband walks out on my son. He said he expects that his wife will leave him. He will need to be able to support her and their 2 children, leave them the house, etc. along with my son."<p>GROAN! Then where would you be? You'd be one of those statistical people who leave your H for the OM and have a 3% chance of staying together even 2 years! DON'T GO THERE!!!

Momof5,<p>
"You are still emotionally attatched to OM, That is the biggest problem. You cant let him do this to you.. He may care about you and he may not.. but the fact is he is trying to protect him self at the moment. NOT YOU."<p>I agree completely. I feel my attachment, it's fleeting for the very first time. I hope that means the feelings are fading and will go away. If they went away I could be so much more focused.
I can't seem to force them out of me. I also do see his fear right now and feel his worry and desperation in trying to organize and control his life, which is spinning on him. I know him and he is a control nut. That is why his requesting that I simply wait for him to land a new position seems so reasonable to me. If he tried to convince me never to tell my H then I would feel differently. I feel wrong and mean to move ahead now rather than wait a few more months. I think (maybe I'm rationalizing this) I waited all these years, what is 8 more weeks? We can go on our summer vacation and have a good time, hopefully that will bring us even closer. By then, OM should have found something. In this scenario, I could do right by both my H and son, and by OM. If I do it now, and things go haywire, I worry that I'd be setting myself up to be the one to be blamed and hated by the ones who I love(d) the most. Husband for obvious reasons, son later on after he understands why daddy left, and during all this OM will be saying, "see, I told you. You always have these grandiose ideas about people and life. I told you to take off your rose colored glasses and join the rest of us in the real world". I can see it all now. I guess I will never know if hide behind my fears but I try and predict the best time to come forth. When?<p>Do you wish, having been the BS, that you didn't know? <p>My husband worries and doesn't have the same size ego and self confidence level as OM. I am worried how he will react and if he will turn this on himself. He is very sensitive. He depends on me. I did meet with a mc twice, but I wasn't that impressed. I like the idea of finding someone we can both talk with and then tell him with the support of that person rather than do it alone. <p>"Do you know when you try to break away from someone who you have been so close to for so long, it is so hard to stop. Here it is called FOG Now it makes all the sense in the world."<p>I had a hard time seeing this at first. But being away from OM except for phone calls once in a while, I understand better this fog. I do feel better for the most part being away from him. There was no way I could get out from under him or this fog if I still saw him everyday. No way, it was like a spell. It is getting easier and I can now see my husband again. It is like I woke up after 6 years. Maybe you are right, I finally grew up and got real. <p>Is it better to address the truth with husband if fog is lifted? I feel that i will have to be the one to support him. How do other ws or bs deal with this fog and still rebuild? I'd be the initiator of the rebuilding of my M and I'm a wreck. How does that work?

"Right now you dont feel secure and your terrified of H's , friends and families reaction. But in time that too will pass."<p>Exactly right. Although you have given me hope having lived through the truth and remaining with your H. It eases my fear. Thank you for that. <p>What is your husband like? How did he feel about your A? How did he find out? How did you overcome his betrayal? How do you deal with seeing your ex? Are you happy?<p>Sorry to throw all those questions at you. I'm very curious about how you have overcome and succeeded in turning your situation around. <p>CM

CM
you have gotten some great advice, I am tied up but when I get a break I will try and answer you.

all good questions, But I remember being in the spot you were in.

JL,<p>You have give me alot to think about. <p>"Don't you find it interesting that you are hoping that your H will stay with you after he finds out the level of deception, AND your OM is certain that his W will leave him? My guess is that he sort of hope she does, then it validates his affair (she didn't really love me, so the affair wasn't so bad). The sad fact is that she probably does love him a lot, and will probably do her best to deal with this and maintain the family."<p>I never thought about it in the way that you are suggesting. That is interesting and I do find it ironic. I have to admit something right now to everyone, if I haven't said it already. I'm amazed at how different I feel after being out of the A. Even though I've talked to him since it's ending. I am seeing all kinds of things in myself, my sweet husband, in life, and certainly in the people here that I couldn't have ever seen when I was under the complete spell of him.<p>I am ashamed of how I treated my husband. He might of hurt me but he didn't deserve what I did.<p>"your OM is either going to be out of work for a long time, in which case there is no reason to wait, because the situation won't have a short term solution. OR your OM is going to find another job rather quickly, in which case there is no reason to wait, because it will take time for your H to really decide what to do, and you have stated that you can support your child with or without him or the OM. There is another time line running and that is the one of Assumed Paternity, is that what you are waiting for? So that your H won't have any choices?"<p>At first I thought that I better stay off this site for a while. No one understands how bad this is. How this is real to me, my family and OM. I am glad I came back to read yours and others replies. My perspective is clouded in my desire to not hurt people anymore than I have and of course dread and fear. I'm glad that you have brought up these points.
No, I never heard of this assumed paternity until I read it here. I thought that OM could always hold this over my head. The law may not give my husband choices but I would. I may not be able to change the birth certificate and in my heart I don't think he'd want that either. But if he wanted out, I wouldn't force him to pay cs. I also wouldn't deny him our son's love or presence in his life if that was what he wanted. I know my husband loves this child more than anything.<p>"CM, the OM and his situation is not a good reason to delay doing this IF you have decided to do it. If you haven't the OM is not a good basis for making that decision. Your current thinking means that the OM is more important than your H, and that OM is still running your life, your child's life, and your H's life. Two out of those three are unaware of his control on their lives and one of them (your H) has every right to have control of his own life."<p>This is a good point. I didn't think about the control factor in this way. I felt that my current thinking just meant that OM still matters to me. Not that he means more. I don't feel it that he means more to me than my H. I'm inclined to protect my H and I do feel that is a big reason I don't want to do this. Maybe I'm hiding behind protecting OM and the truth is I'm a coward? Someone did say that it is easier to focus on his problems than my own. I have begun to wonder about my real reasons for halting my progress. <p>"CM make the decision, then tell your H if that is your decision. The only issue should really be how best to do it (with a counselor present, with a plan developed with you and counselor, or on your own). As you know there will be no plan that doesn't just devastate your H."<p>I agree with you. I am on the fence and have to work my off either way.

"I am ashamed of how I treated my husband. He might of hurt me but he didn't deserve what I did."<p>I just want to chime in here and point out that I think you're a good person in a sad situation. You're starting to realize just what you have with your family, and you don't want to jeopardize that now, considering the delicacy of the choices you have to make and the criticality of the timing. <p>That you have put so much effort into posting to this site, both for giving and getting advice to/from others, shows me that you care very much about yourself and your R with your family. <p>My hat is off to you! I have confidence that you will find your way, and that your future has great potential!<p>Take care,

2Long,<p>It is hard to understand the other side, believe me I know. I am now just starting to come around and see what the A has done to my H. I just now have started to think about how the BS's here must feel. I have a hard time because I feel very misunderstood at times. <p>"If this guy was such a great "friend in times of need" when you were having M problems, why, for Rice Cake, didn't he politely say "no" when faced with the choice to get emotionally and physically involved with you..." <p>It wasn't a one time, snap decision. It is more of a process if that makes sense. It wasn't like I said, hey I'm needy and your cute and funny and smart. How about it? And he said, I'm lonely too. You look like you could use some love and kindness and a set of ears. Okay, lets do this!<p>I don't mean to be offensive, I'm getting alittle outrageous I know. It isn't that simple is all. I met him in Sept 1995. We were innocent friends for a few months, then the fuzzy feelings started to form, the EA took off around Dec. 1995 and turned PA in Feb 1996. (not completely physical until June 1996) It is most likely a process in most A's is what I want my H and others like him to understand. If I understood A's then as I do now after having been through it, I would have recognized that I needed to stop way back before I clicked with him emotionally. By then, I was in invested in it somehow. Big payoffs.<p>"You'd be perpetuating HIS selfish (and unintentionally cruel) behavior by considering his request."<p>I can see alittle that he is being selfish. But I think if he was telling me or begging me to never tell then that would be truly selfish. Couldn't it simply be he is being honest and trying to get himself prepared?<p>"Doesn't seem at all reasonable to me. Seems contrived."<p>Can you explain more?<p>"GROAN! Then where would you be? You'd be one of those statistical people who leave your H for the OM and have a 3% chance of staying together even 2 years! DON'T GO THERE!!!"<p>Ironically, I wanted to marry him and have a real relationship with him for a long time. But I've been beat up by this A and it changed me and my feelings about wanting that. I wonder somedays what if we met and we weren't married. You know the whole feelling sorry for myself. But the truth is I feel differently about my H. I want to stay married to him.

Thank you 2Long. I really needed that boost. It means alot coming from you.

CM,<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Maybe I'm hiding behind protecting OM and the truth is I'm a coward? <hr></blockquote><p>The answer is YES you are protecting OM, and YES you are a coward.<p>BUT, I suspect we ALL would be cowards in your situation. I know I would. It is easy to sit here and KNOW what you should do, what is right. It is not easy to sit where you are and see these things. In a way that is the beauty of these boards, you get opinions from people who have been in similar situations and people who have not, but NONE of them are in YOUR situation. So the advice is usually less influenced by emotion.<p>CM, I am going to give you the advice my father gave me many decades ago. "People are primarily motivated by FEAR and GREED, if you run into someone who seems not to be, watch out they are dangerous." [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are being motivated by fear and greed (the fear of losing something dear to you and the greed of wanting this to happen with little or no pain). I don't think there is a person posting to you that isn't. Your concerns, your worries are all very reasonable. THe OM trying to protect himself is very reasonable, that is why you find his logic seductive.<p>However, he is not trying to protect your H or your son or perhaps even you. His fears and his greed are pointing in other directions. The costs to your son and your H are not of his concern.<p>It is encouraging that you are starting to see things differently now. I won't say clearer because I think you saw your own reality fairly clear, you just weren't seeing other realities very clearly. A change in perspective is allowing these other realities to become more obvious and clearer.<p>I mention this to you because you are about to change your H's reality and even your son's. If you can see how these things can happen and how people adjust to them, you will be better able to reassure your H. <p>In a sense this whole site is about allowing people to have time to change their reality( end of Affairs, seeing that they didn't meet needs, that they can live with or without their spouse, that they truely love a spouse and that their spouse loves them enough to hang through some really tough times). CM, you will find that people don't change but their perspective does change and hence their behavior often follows it.<p>You will do well CM no matter what happens, that is what is often learned here. That means that doing the right thing doesn't carry the penalties that we all fear, but it also means you can obtain the reward of doing it right as well. Hence the ideas of 'radical honesty' and such.<p>Keep reading and posting. You know that Momof5, WIB, Tigger, FH, and others have been where you are going. The rest of us simply want to see your marriage and all parties involved in it do as well as possible.<p>Hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Dear Cmiranda,<p>HI. I will chip in with some advice. It is very personal, driven by my own circumstances, so you will have to take that into consideration.<p>My wife had an affair several years ago, and our youngest child was the product of her affair. She would have left me for the other man, and she shared her pregnancy and our young child with him in secret. This all ended when I learned about the affair. And we have since renewed our marriage. So I have lived some of this, from the other side.<p>You are faced with a very difficult choice. Not difficult because it is logically hard to figure out, but instead because it is emotionally overwhelming.<p>However, I think that you have no choice but to tell your husband, and to tell him as soon as possible. The only reason I would even consider delay would be if you thought that he would seriously injure either you or himself. But that does not sound like the man you describe.<p>Why do I think you must tell him immediately? I will list my reasons, and try to let you know why I believe them, so that you can judge better if this advice applies to your own situation.<p>(1) Every day that you delay will feel like an additional betrayal to him, once he finds out the truth.<p>In the months and years after I learned what had happened, I often asked myself what would have happened if I had learned before my son was born, or midway through the pregnancy, or when my wife first had the DNA test done, or shortly after the affair began. The affair was not one betrayal for me. It was more than a year of repeated betrayals. And the later ones hurt more than the early ones. They all hurt.<p>I know that you have an even longer history with your other man, but that does not mean that a few extra weeks or months don't matter. Every day is a new day, and every day your husband is deceived brings a new set of betrayals. If he is at all like me, these new betrayals will hurt deeply. By telling now, you avoid new, daily betrayals.<p>(2) By telling now, you can avoid what I endured. You can at least tell him, rather than risking, with each passing day, that he will discover the truth himself.<p>My wife never told me. I found the draft of a letter she had written to the other man, discussing our son. I had to confront her, and she lied again, and then I told her about the letter and she finally began to tell the truth. The added pain of such a discovery is something you can avoid if you tell now.<p>Something else happened at that point - my wife had been in the habit of lying to me constantly. Upon discovery she did one invaluable thing. She swore not to deceive me again. That alone was enough for us to begin to work together. She did not try to protect me any longer with lies. (And looking back, the lies were really to protect her, not me at all).<p>(3) By not telling your husband, you are using him like a tool or a slave. You need to tell him immediately, so that you can begin to relate to him as one human to another.<p>He needs the ability to make his own choices based on true information about what is happening in his life. He might leave you (though I would guess that is unlikely, I really can't tell one way or the other). Or he might work with you to renew your marriage. But once he knows the truth he will be making his own decisions, and you can judge from those decisions how you feel about him.<p>Right now, he is raising this child only because you have lied to and manipulated him in one of the most cruel ways one human can treat another. That is probably not what you intended when this started, but that is the reality of what you are doing.<p>If he knows the truth, and continues to raise and care for this child, it will be his choice. Don't deny him the freedom to make that choice for himself. He might walk away from you and your child, but that would be unusual. In our own marriage, we reached a point where my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, and I swore that I would still raise my son, and try as best I could to help him grow up as part of our larger family. That was my choice, and to make it fairly I had to know the truth.<p>(4) I know that it doesn't feel this way to you right now, but you cannot show any consideration to the other man ever again, except as one stranger owes it to another to follow basic laws of humanity. Anything else will cut your husband far more painfully than a knife would.<p>Lying to your husband (which is exactly what your continued silence would be) so that the other man can be comfortable is just continuing the affair and once again placing his desires over your husbands, and over your own basic self respect. That kind of behavior is what got you into this mess.<p>-------------------------------------------------------------<p>Personally, I would recommend that you tell your husband immediately, tonight, without delay. There is no good time, and trying to wait for one is just a pretense.<p>Should you find a counselor? You will need to spend $1000s of dollars on therapy in the coming years if either of you wants to come through this as a healthy person. (We did, and it was crucial for us). Let your husband help find one. Give him all the support you can, but give him the truth.<p>-------------------------------------------------------------<p>There, I have made an impassioned plea. To help you make your own judgements, since you own life is so different from mine (or anyone else's) I have tried to give you my personal background, so that you can judge from where I am coming.<p>I don't know how your husband will respond. I endured more pain from my wife's affair than I have experienced in all the rest of my life combined. But I am also more proud, when I look back, about some of the things I did when i found out, than I am about any other thing I have done in my life. Our marriage now is healthy and alive, our children are thriving, and our youngest child loves me and radiates incredible joy. <p>I wish you well, in this choice, and in the difficult months to come.<p>Sincerely,<p>StillTrying

Dear Cmiranda,<p>I am sorry, but although my last reply is true in every word, I missed one of the most important points. I talked only about your husband, because i remembered my own situation.<p>In my opionion, an affair damages the betraying spouse even more deeply and insidiously than it does the betrayed. You must be in extremely deep pain and confusion. I am sorry.<p>However, by telling the truth, you will be displaying a rare kind of moral courage. And by supporting your husband in the days that follow, you can begin to re-establish a relationship of truth and equality and love. <p>The mere fact that you are here contemplating this speaks highly of you. Being able to carry it off could do more to restore you own self respect than any other course.<p>My wife displayed great courage on many occassions in the months following the affair. Courage and honesty and self-examination. I respect that tremendously, and that kind of respect is essential for any relationship of true love.<p>I wish you well,<p>StillTrying<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: StillTrying ]</p>

Do I wish I didnt know about H affairs?<p> NO I couldnt help but know.. as a spouse clues are so obvious. No I am glad I know although each and every time it knocked the wind right out of me. Some days I thought I would die and could not go on or did not want to go on. But it made me stronger took many years but I am strong now.
FOG<p>FOG does many things although i didnt know it at the time, WHEN things stopped with this person who had become so much a part of my life, and my thought process over so many years, I was in deep and he was my life. when this ended I was lost didnt know how to think, didnt know what to do with my self, because for the last few years, everything was about him, He helped with the kids gave me advice, looking back told me what to do, he was alot older and I thought wiser and it all made sense.. but only because he saw what my needs were and took care of all of them. <p> I spent the next seven months not speaking to OM, I was pregnant husband decided he would stay and be a father and help me through this trying time, I had cancer, I was depressed and lonly and missed him Like he had died. But husband was happier and in time I thought it would get better.. I started to feel better, I thought gee this is gonna work, for the first time in my life I was pregnant and husband was being attentive and not cheating. Turns out my fog was so bad.. I just couldnt see it, he had been having an affair all along, long before i got pregnant, just one of many. I always knew before but this time i didnt see it.I was so busy dealing with cancer being pregnant and what I thought was the worst, was losing this man I had as a best friend. all the years and days spent witht this person had done that to me. I didnt find out till baby was a week old, I was home taking care of her and H was out of town sleeping with someone off the net.
But this wasnt the first and i AM NOT SO SURE IT WILL BE THE LAST.. But that shows you how screwed up your thinking gets. <p> This site promotes helping that person through that fog.. I had to help my self alone, I didnt talk to any one about it, I kept it to my self and cried to my self. <p> Am I happy?
I can say I am healing and yes I am happy with the way things turned out. My husbands love for our Daughter has not changed, but she has the added bonus of another family who thinks she is great and the cutest thing that you ever laid eyes on. My husband is learning to be a nicer person and more loving.. he is trying to break a lifetime of habits it is a slow process. <p>what was it like seeing the OM
the first time I saw OM I had not spoke to him in about 5 months and I ran into him and his wife in the store, he looked sad and old and hard, it scared me, i ran to my car and cried my self all the way home. I was back at square one, but I didnt call him and phone numbers had been changed I changed my pager, everything email, there was no contact..
Next time I saw him I had a D then, he wanted to see her and he did, But by then I had different feelings, I wasnt so impressed with him any more, after all what it came down to he was only protecting his self, his finances, the rest didnt matter. He isnt a bad person he is a selfish person and I dont need or want that in my life.

If you do it now CM it isnt going to make it easier than if you do it in the fall, or the spring, the damage is done, just like I cant change my daughters DNA YOU cant change what has happened, So you have to tell him because you love him enough not to hurt him any more. Because he loves that little boy and , you describe him as a man who would never stop loving that little boy. He will most likely continue to be his father and you and he will learn to heal and fill each others needs. <p> It will come out sooner or later, and as good a friend as this man is or isnt, he is thinking of himself, I can promise you that. He may say all the right words, but then, it it isnt going to change.
Look how many of these people here have stayed with there spouse? I had know idea there were even people like us. I thought we were the only ones living this soap opera.
Tell him how much you love him and need him and why you let this happen and then tell him you have stopped it and no longer contact this man.. if he does not want to be this childs father than share that with your husband and move on together.
I see no reason this cant work out the best for your family. <p> Now i am not usually one that shares so much personal detail, so please I know it is boring and long, and not important any more, but I want Cmiranda to know that besides all these concepts and things, these are real feelings she is dealing with and I do understand them all too well.
I dont want you to think that is as simple as saying just do it. Because I know it is not. It is one of the most frightning things you will ever do. I am proud of you for at least thinking about it.
ugh i hated putting all that stuff on there, but maybe it will help someone, so a little humility never hurt any one right!?!

CMiranda:<p>When the time comes to tell your H the truth about your A and child, consider doing it in the presence of a professional counselor to whom you've given the truth before your H hears it from you. This can help your H and you in a couple of ways. A safe environment where a third party can serve as a calming and rational influence for both of you to avoid destructive emotional reactions from your H that can exacerbate the situation. Counselor will be able to give far more competent advice to your H because s/he will be prepared beforehand to deal with any intense emotional reactions from your H.
Even though the news will probably hit your H with the force of a nuclear bomb and he will probably not be able to absorb any wise counsel from the counselor, he will have somebody that can serve as his crying shoulder instead of beign alone dealing with the terrible truth. The counselor may also be able to prescribed anti-depressants to him in order to help him deal with the deep depression he'll probably undergo after d-day.<p>Another suggestion is for you and your child to go some place safe to spend the next couple of nights away from your H. Your presence may not be emotionally healthful to your H after the session and he may need to be alone for a couple of nights in order to think things out for himself. He needs to get control of his emotions so that his rational side can weigh the benefits and disadvantages in staying in the M.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

I'm just checking back but I am short on time until next week. I have been in meetings at work, busy with baby at home, I'm sure you know what it is like but I didn't want anyone to think I'm just not responding. I did read all of the reply's and have been thinking (and even dreaming) about all of this alot lately. You all have given me alot to consider.

Momof5,<p>Thanks for sharing so much about your hx with OM and H. I didn't mean to make you dredge all that up again.
I can not imagine having been in your shoes with ending A alone, pregnant, physically sick, and having a H in an affair. My God, I feel bad whining and complaining, my ordeal is bad enough, it's scary to think it could actually be even worse. I guess your story inspired me to be more grateful and humbled me too.
I am going through the withdrawl basically alone, except to my venting some of it here. It is a lonely thing to endure by oneself. I have cried to myself just as you described. REading your story made me feel alot of that sadness again. <p>I notice that you didn't say yes, I am happy!! I can understand, it is a process that maybe never ends, trying to work at our relationships and all. That is why the A was so alluring to me. It made me feel so damn high. But now I see, I wasn't happy for any stretch of time. The stress of lying and sneaking and sharing OP just made me miserable. Not to mention all the shame. If I see it this way, why does letting it go hurt? Sending OM this no contact letter scary. How did you communicate the no contact? Did H support you or did he make you do it alone?<p>My OM is very selfish as well. I always resented that about him and it was one of the deciding factors in my choosing to stay with my H. Who is NOT at all selfish but the very opposite. Maybe OM isn't selfish in the rest of his life, but I suspect that he is. I'm not much of a wallflower type waiting for a crumb here and there. I can remember defending his W to him when he treated her the same way. I thought, he will do the same to me. Sorry, but that felt good to say outloud (figuratively sp..? of course) I have been saying what you mentioned, what is so great about this guy anyway? It helps put him behind me.<p>Sorry about going off there. I know that you and everyone here are right. No time is the right time and it won't get easier necessarily. But I have been thinking that maybe if my H and I move on and I leave OM behind, if we had another child then maybe he wouldn't feel as bad about the truth about our 1st childs dna. I know it is screwed up thinking but it does cross my mind. I don't think it's fair and I don't plan to do it, but I wonder about it. I have to let go of all this control I have been trying to maintain. Its how my mind works. (I am passive-agressive)It is not the way out of this I know. I have some to see that there isn't any painless way out.<p>You said something very enlightening.<p>"Look how many of these people here have stayed with there spouse? I had know idea there were even people like us. I thought we were the only ones living this soap opera."<p>I thought I was so unique, the only one living this crazy secret. It struck me because you made me realize that my OM or A isn't all that much different that the other ones referenced here. We really are more alike than different in our relationships and screwups.<p>"Tell him how much you love him and need him and why you let this happen and then tell him you have stopped it and no longer contact this man.. if he does not want to be this childs father than share that with your husband and move on together."<p>This is good advice. The one thing I do believe is that he will be happy to know OM will not interfere with our son. It does make a bad situation alittle easier to deal with. <p>"Now i am not usually one that shares so much personal detail, so please I know it is boring and long, and not important any more, but I want Cmiranda to know that besides all these concepts and things, these are real feelings she is dealing with and I do understand them all too well."<p>I really, really appreciated your sharing your story with me. Not boring at all and it helps others to be reminded from time to time that we all hurt or we wouldn't be here. It does help to see that there are real feelings & experience behind the words.
<p>"I dont want you to think that is as simple as saying just do it. Because I know it is not. It is one of the most frightning things you will ever do. I am proud of you for at least thinking about it."<p>I needed to hear that because I got the sense that people did just think oh just do it and don;t come back until you do. That is way too easy to just say. This is my life and the lives of a baby and my H. It is so very frightning and not easy one bit but I'm making baby steps in doing the right thing. i thought getting out of the A was hard... Yah, well, wake up time....

cm
Good afternoon, <p> No contact was not something I had thought of or even considered and did not know marriage builders exhisted, well thats not true i had looked at it a couple of years ago before the affair.. but dont remember seeing any forum, and I remember talking to my husband and him laughing about the love bank issue. <p> I cant blame my husband any more for the thigs he has done.. because I ended up after twelve years of it doing the same thing. Seems I had not punished my self enough.
God only gives us what we can handle, so I will be fine. This I have learned,
I am no different than all these stories they are all tragic and none of them happened because people were helping each other they all happened for selfish reasons. i WAS selfish.
NO contact was easy because he and I were so angry we werent speaking to each other, WE did it to our selves. But If I didnt have to see him and have contact with him now, I would be truly happy about that.. He is a painfull reminder at times, and I try not to think about such things.<p> But it is not the path we have chosen and it will not be changed. <p>This will not be easy, but you can do it, After a time, you learn to refocus all your energy, I dont think about this person every day even looking at my D. Doesnt happen, I look at her and think, wow she sure is a doll. But no bad thoughts. <p>Your husband sounds like he is very loving and caring person.. I am sure when aproached the right way he will find a way to work through all these feelings pouring down on him.
This is what you do.. Every time you think you need to call or go see or anything with this person, you pick up a phone and call a girlfriend and gripe to her go shopping, read a book, watch a movie. Any thing dig in the flower bed, what ever you do, DONT PICK UP THAT PHONE OR DONT EMAIL HIM.
Better yet when ever you feel the need to do those things call your husband and ask how he is.. take him lunch.. email him at work, plan a special dinner, put all that effort into him . Soon it will get easy to do this and you will hear the things this man says to you and think; my that is a selfish thought; I promise you it will happen if you do that, you will hear what OM is really saying which is;

i like you but I am not about to take a fall for you and have my wife know what I have been up to. Dont mess up my world.;<p> Again I am not putting him down, this is what he is thinking I can almost hear the words he is speaking, because I have heard them already. <p> I am proud of you for this step, you can do it.. and every one will be here to support you.. It will be scary and rocky and unsure at first.. but in the end you and your family will be the winners.

CM,<p>I'm so glad to read today and find that you are getting closer and closer to telling your Husband and begin the TRUE rebuilding process.<p>It speaks volumes how far you have come in just a few short weeks.<p>One thing that struck me when I read was when you said:<p>[q]We can go on our summer vacation and have a good time, hopefully that will bring us even closer[/q]<p>And it reminded me of the many many wonderful times H and I had before d-day while and after his affair was going on.<p>I think back on those times now and see them as fake. They are fake to me because they were all during the period where he was lying and keeping the truth from me.<p>As wonderful as they were at the time I now look at them in discust. Those times put a bad taste in my mouth. They are not cherished.<p>I remember my birthday, his birthday, our kids birthdays, holidays and they all stab me. <p>So please, please don't take a vacation and create a facade of happiness for your H to look back on and regret.<p>Save those times for re-building. Plan those vacations to grow closer together while you both are on the same playing field.<p>The times my H and I have together are far sweeter than any we had pre-d-day, because we are in it together. We are fighting on the same team now.<p>Like other posters have said before... every day is another day of deception. Every day you stab his trust. <p>I read an email chain letter that tried to get the reader to appreciate every day. It talked about how important a second is to an Olympic runner. How important a day is to someone who only has 30 days to live. Stuff like that.<p>Each day is important to your life, as they are to your Husband.<p>Good luck in your continued growth,
Z.

c miranda
I didnt want to upset mary janes thread, so I thought we would use the one I made for you if thats ok. <p> I heard about this little girl and even though we wanted no more children it broke my heart and I had to do something, so I got involved day and night, , tons of work and a year later she was in my home for good, but not with out daily phone calls and meetings, you name it we did it, my phone bill was 500 a month for the first 6 months, Husband thought I was nuts till he met her, then he melted, and she has been daddys little girl ever since.
that was quite a few years ago,
I think the stress of all the work it took, compounded what was happening in our lives, may have made the soothing life I found with the other person sometimes as an escape. I was the only one dealing with the behavior and the kids, and that was compounded by the stress of my husband cheating so often.
When I became friends with this older wiser man.. I think I might have jumped to feel safe and secure. Foolish.. yes.. but that is how it happened. For the first time in my life someone was taking care of me,a nd I was burned out caring for every one else, I dont just mean my children and husband.. I mean neighbors and friends, I was run ragged.. because at the time I was a sahm and people took advantage of that.
and I didnt know how to say NO i dont have time.. I ust kept adding one thing on top of another.
a mental BREAKDOWN of sorts
I have learned to say no i am too busy, I have work of my own That I DO.
I have learned that those around me can help I dont have to do it all.