MoF, thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I have decided that I am going to call him at work tomorrow(that way I'm sure his GF won't be there) and talk to him about this. I don't want to fight with him but I think he still holds it against me that I did not leave my H for him so he has this "attidude". I know NOTHING about his GF and I'm going to tell him I need to know what kind of person she is. Not her bra size, or what kind of sex they are having, simply what kind of person she is. He is so defensive when it comes to things like this. Sort of like "if you had chosen me then none of this would be a problem." Makes me feel like it is my fault that any of this happens. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /><p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: want it back ]</p>

BTW, I asked my H if he would be willing to talk to xOM about his new GF situation, since I didn't think he would take it seriously coming from me, and my H said a very definate "NO". I fell like like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Very much alone.

I'm not so sure if my words will help you at all but here goes.<p>Unless there are definite signs of neglect and/or abuse to your D, you are best to keep your questions about his GF(s) to yourself.
He's already lost his previous GF, and if he looses his present one, he might be inclined to beleive that you are actively trying to sabotage any relationship he might have with any woman that he becomes seriously involved with.<p>If you keep asking him questions about his GF's parenting skills, he may just decide to see your D less and less in order to avoid you - is this what you really want for your D? - and if and when there are definite signs of neglect and/or abuse he won't be so receptive to your inquiries. He's going to have the attitude of 'oh no, there she goes again, using my D to drive away my GF' instead of 'hmmm I better check this out to see if she's on to something that I might have overlooked'.<p>I'm NOT saying that you are beign overcritical with regards with his parenting skills and nosey in his personal life - your D is your only concern - but he may just be getting this impression from you, and this will create resentment between the two of you and your D will ultimately be the looser for it.<p>Good luck and God bless.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by want it back:
<strong>BTW, I asked my H if he would be willing to talk to xOM about his new GF situation, since I didn't think he would take it seriously coming from me, and my H said a very definate "NO". I fell like like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Very much alone.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm not even sure if he had said YES to your request that your H would be more succesful than you in your efforts to convey your sense of concern to xOM. xOM would simply say to him that it is non of his business how he parents his D while she is at his apt. and that he doesn not make it his business how he - your H - parents her when she is at your place.<p>If your H and xOM had buried the hatchet and talked to each other, then your request - via your H - may fall on xOM's receptive ears and he may take any suggestions into consideration. But since this is not the case, then the point is moot.<p>You might want to tell the xOM that you are sorry if you left the impression in his mind that you considered him a neglectful parent - with poor parenting skills - to your D and that is the farthest thing in your mind BUT that you just want him to be aware that any new person in his life, female OR male, poses a potential threat to your child's safety and welfare. This may go a long way in making him see the truth in your feelings and that you are not out to sabotage his future happiness with any woman he becomes seriously involved with now and in the future.<p>I hope that helps.

wib<p> HI I cant sleep so I thought i woud go ahead and respond.
I do understand your feelings as a mother we want everything perfect and cant stand to let our children go any where in the first place.. however that is the fact of life we created for our selves and must deal with.
But there are certain things I expect and will not accept any thing less.
The first is she will she will be kept clean and dry. and she is to be kept on somewhat the same schedule I have her own, ad that is just a stability factor to make her life less complicated. He has the rsponsibility to keep her safe and away from people who may not be good for her to be around. But he is so protective of her and me I dont worry so much about it.
They are really good about doing that for the most part. I think he knows me so well, most of the time if they have a question he is able to know exactly what I would do and handles it as such.
His wife every once in a while does or says something I find objectionable. I think it is a defense mechanism from having to work so hard all the time to be nice and put it aside. we all have those days. The problem then comes in where he still feels he has to defend me and that does cause tension for him not me.
I do have a say so to some extent who is around her, but I have to count on him 100% to do what is best for daughter. I work hard at remembering he and I are not in a relationship any more.. I cant just say do this do that.. I have to find the right way to do it.
My husband probably wont follow through, but just him acting interested is a nice change, but OM hates my husband and is still very jelous of him.
His wife and I did work out our little differences, but not with out some very frank discussions. I know these things will happen, but sure hate it when they do.
you will find a tactful way to handle om and a discussion about d I am sure of it. Just dont sound accusing when you do it. Start out with YOU KNOW WHAT A WORRIER I AM and make it light. more flies with honey remember.

TMCM,<p>I said all advice welcome and I meant it. Some of your points are very valid. Others I have a few comments about<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He's already lost his previous GF, and if he looses his present one, he might be inclined to beleive that you are actively trying to sabotage any relationship he might have with any woman that he becomes seriously involved with. <hr></blockquote><p>I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. He is the one who ended that relationship in order to pursue a relationship with the GF he is with now. (at least that is what his xGF told me) It almost sounds as if you are blaming me for the "loss" of his xGF. This was one of the main reasons I wanted my H to talk to him instead of me. I didn't want to leave the impression that my inquiries about his GF had anything to do with something other than the welfare of my D. But you are right. He would have told my H exactly what you said he would.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Unless there are definite signs of neglect and/or abuse to your D, you are best to keep your questions about his GF(s) to yourself <hr></blockquote><p>I don't agree completely with this. I have no intention of prying into his personal relationship with his GF but I definately want to know what kind of relationship she has with my D. Another concern of mine is that she is quite young(to me at least), she is 31. I don't know if she has young children who are also being around my D, heck I don't know if she has kids at all. I don't know if my D is being left alone with her. If she is then I would like to know something about her.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You might want to tell the xOM that you are sorry if you left the impression in his mind that you considered him a neglectful parent - with poor parenting skills - to your D and that is the farthest thing in your mind BUT that you just want him to be aware that any new person in his life, female OR male, poses a potential threat to your child's safety and welfare. This may go a long way in making him see the truth in your feelings and that you are not out to sabotage his future happiness with any woman he becomes seriously involved with now and in the future <hr></blockquote><p>
This is touchy. I do have some concerns about his parenting skills. Not serious ones, just sometimes not using his best judgement. He is 45 years old and this is his first child. To me, you don't give a 13 month old child so much soda that the front of her shirt gets soaked in the process.
And if you did happen to do that then you don't let her sit around in wet clothes when there are two changes of clothes in the diaper bag. See what I mean. And I do have to discuss these things with him because there is no need for it and it is unacceptable to me. You are right that I have to do it in such a way that I don't leave the impression that I feel he is being neglectful or not being a good parent, but as I said, he gets very defensive about stuff like this. I can't back down from this though just because I'm afraid of what his reaction might be. I am going to do my best to be as diplomatic about it as possible. BTW, xOM has absolutely no qualms about drilling me about the relationship my H has with our D. <p>
MoF, I didn't sleep well last night either. I know it must be a sticky situation having xOM still defending you but trust me, it's no fun on this side either, being accused of overreacting everytime I have what I think is a valid concern. Instead of adressing my concerns all I get is "don't worry, I want what's best for her too".

wib<p> you have a right to expect all those things for your daughter.. you also have a right to be concerned that he brings people in and out of his life very quickly.. these are all things that effect your child.
You would not be respnsible if you did not bring these things in the open and ask. <p> He knows this and the fact that he has never had a child before, is certainly a reason to stay on top of things.
xom is in his mid 50's and his children were gone, I worried he would not know what to do, but for the most part he put those things to rest.
The first day they ever had her His wife wanted to suprise me and have her ears pierced. Thank goodness he stopped her , he new I would be very angry had they done this with out my knowledge.
After that he started asking about every little thing, untill I said use your own judgement but NO TATOOS OR PIERCINGS till you ask me lol
You said xom was a mother hen of sorts.. that means he loves that baby and wants what is best he will listen to you and work with you to sort out any problems you have.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
It almost sounds as if you are blaming me for the "loss" of his xGF.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Not at all. I'm playing the devil's advocate here and showing what may be his line of reasoning. All of us adults are ultimately responsable for our actions that make or break our own relationships and he is no exception. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
BTW, xOM has absolutely no qualms about drilling me about the relationship my H has with our D.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Then you should bring this up to him - in a polite and calm voice - and that you are just exercising the same concerns with regards to strangers, male or female, that come and go into his life and possibly your D's.<p>With regards to the way he returned your D - all wet because he gave her too much soda and did not changer her clothes despite the fact that you included two sets of clothing in her bag - did he tell you that he was going to change her but hid did not because you were waiting outside for her? or did he just give her back to you and not even tried to apologize for her condition? and is this the only incident or has there been others where your D has been returned to you in less than ideal conditions? I ask you these questions because if you were rushed to pick her up, then he may be excused for his transgression once but if it's a pattern of neglectfulness than h*** yes it's not only your right but also your duty as a parent to bring this up to him, and if you've done so then you are doing right by your D and then he has to do the same thing if he wants to continue as her father.<p>I would like to suggest to you - if you haven't done it yet - to talk to him alone but with your H close by in case things get nasty. For example you meet him at the parking lot of a crowded shopping center and your H gets out of the car - but stays close by to watch what is happening inside the car AND with the keys of the car in his possesion - and xOM gets in to talk to you in privacy. The advantage to this is that you are meeting in a public place, your H is close by so that if at any second things start to get ugly between you and xOM, he could step back in and take you away from a possibly hostile situation. Not to mention that this also could help you feel like you are not alone in this situation.<p>Whatever you decide I wish you the best to you and yours.

MoF, You are right, xOM is somewhat a mother hen. I have spoken to him on the phone this morning and he said the reason she had so much soda is because he just can't say no to her. I told him he better learn how before she is a teenager.<p>
TMCM, As I told MoF, I have already spoken to him on the phone. It went pretty much how I expected at first. Him telling me that I have no control over what goes on when she's with him and vice versa. I did bring up the fact of how he is always so concerned about her relationship with my H and said that I also had some concerns about her relationship with his new GF. He did tell me a few things about her that put my mind at ease. She is not 31 as someone else had told me. She is 40. She is an EMT(good for emergencies) and has 3 daughters of her own, although they are much older. I did not pry any further, and thanked him for the info as it did ease my mind. As far as the soda incident...he admitted that she probaly had too much and blamed it on his inability to say no to her. As for the wet clothes, he did not see a big deal about it. I did ask him very nicely if he would please change her if she needs to be and that is what the extra clothes are for. This was the first time something like this has happened but I think the fact that his GF was there when it happened made me very uneasy. ( I wonder why she didn't suggest that he change her). Anyway, I'm hoping this settles things and I at least feel better about his new GF.<p>Thanks for the help guys!!!