CM<p>You asked &#8220;Once of the questions I've had for along time is this, how does the duration affect how you process it's discovery?
Or anyone who can give me some feedback, whose spouse revealed a long term A, how did that fact factor into your recovery? &#8220;<p>For me, when I found out about my W&#8217;s 27-year affair it was as if someone had ripped a huge hole in my life. All of my memories were tainted by this betrayal and for many months after d-day I could not accept that anything good had happened in that span of time. I do feel differently about her short term (6-month A) with MM2. Although the pain was concentrated since the discovery included both affairs and the revelation about my youngest son, somehow I was able to segregate these three issues in my mind and deal with them as separate traumas. I was able to forgive her for the short term A long before I could come to terms with the other issues.<p> I am not trying to say that it should be easy for anyone else to accept an EMA just because it didn&#8217;t last long. I am just saying that for me the only way I could deal with the second betrayal was by seeing it as an extension of the first, i.e. there was never any closure for her from the original affair.<p>In summary I feel that the length of the A has less affect on recovery than the desire to heal and the willingness of the WS to accept their responsibility, apologize, show remorse, and work to rebuild the love that existed before the A. My W did an admirable job in these areas after the she emerged from the fog. I think I will also credit myself for a lot of hard work in the process. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I found it hard admit that I was not the perfect H and I had to learn to recognize and control my anger and bitterness towards the MM&#8217;s.

IMHO each case is different and there are no specific timetables. <p>I am glad to see you still posting and I wish you all of the best in your struggle.<p>God Bless<p>ULA

CM,
The OW in my case was H's adm. asst. for over 10 years, so they were together for 8 hours a day, lunched together, were at work each others best friend, and confident. OW and I never had any relationship other than pleasantries exchanged on the phone. She stayed with our then younger childern when we would vacation. <p> 7 years ago H came to me and said he would like to go on a trip for a weekend with his friend OW. All at once it hit me there was a problem, but it was all stress friendship, separate rooms ect. Truth is that is what it was then. But afterwards I questioned him contantly, and began keeping a close watch for any behaviorial changes.
You must think I was a complete moron! I think back I must have been also, but I still trusted him. <p> The next year I had a major health problem. Ovarian Cancer , and a hospital stay in a different city. OW was there for H's comfort and that EA I think then stepped up a notch to PA.

The next year H came home and said OW was pregnant, and I was thrilled, asking who was the father, and was there a marriage coming up. He said OW would not tell anyone the father, and far as he knew there would be no wedding. So I went on thinking my H was not involved with her and there was someone in her life. 9months later, we recieved a card in the mail congratulating H for the birth of his D. H denied, and blew it off as some jerk wanting to cause problems. Again you think MORON! But then more and more questions came all denied, but more tension in our marriage because of doubts. Then out of the blue OW calls me up and wants to clear the air after about 14 months after OC born. Under no circumstances was she having an A with H, Under no circumstances was OC H's, under no circumstances had she ever slept with H. I BELIEVED her. That is why there is so much "hate" for this women. I would have maybe had pity for this OW had she not out right lied to keep this relationship going.

Forward to spring 2001, H and I were dealing with family issues aging parents, possible death of parent, nursing homes, ect. I thought H was having issues dealing with that but truth be told he was ready to confess A, Why? because unfortunately there was to be OC#2 born. H said he needed to talk to me, and I knew what was coming, first comment was "OC is yours isn't it?" He said yes, and 30 minutes later in this conversation told me about OC#2.
It has been 14 months and we are no where progressing in our recovery. Having a long term A is not easy to let go. When H and OW separated, they were still friends, still have feelings of love for each other, and I think still exist. That is what is making this so difficult. There has never been an emotional separation.
I keep listening to MJ's advice and come to grips that there will always be feelings of fondness for the OW, but he chose to work on M and stay with me. Lately H has lost patience with me saying I won't forget the past, but then he is not meeting my ENs, he feels that my ENs are trying to control the M. I am trying to say that my ENs and what I feel are exceptable behavior do not mean control.
We are at a stale mate this weekend. It was very volitile. We don't want a D but we cant come to any compromises. He has stated that he wants control on the V of the OC, and he doesn't seem to understand that there are two people in this marriage. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it. <p>I am sorry this is so long winded, but that is the story of our Long term A. <p>Tina
M27years
2C 23 & 19
2OC 1 & 4
Dday April 2001

Tina, ULA, and MJ,<p>Thank you all for you responses. Sadly, all of your stories touch on aspects of my life exactly. I'm more like your FWS's than not. I want to find the lesson in my experience. Reading about how hurt and devestated you are really brings me into reality. Of course I knew my A would be hurtful to H if he knew, but hearing it from you all firsthand, changes alot for me. I see the selfishness in my A because although A's are painful for the WS too, there are usually no needs left unmet I understand now. Besides the desire to be honest. But when it ends, life is much more messy than before it started and WS has taken no prisoners. I'm very sorry for what you are living with.

To have my H involved in a long term affair has been incredibly painful for me,
especially when I think of comparing it to those of you whose H's had a few sexual encounters.<p>It means to me that he lied to me all those years. His lies invalidated for me our life all those years as well. In my mind, he has taken from me our life during that time, even though I didn't know it then. He tained my life with our 3 children's lives-and all that entailed.That is very hard to forgive.<p>
That the relationship started out as sex and turned emotional hurts too. He thinks he loved her, but I think he loved her for having sex with him. He really didn't know her-how could he. His life with her was secret, private, and weekly short lived.But the length of time they knew each other added up.<p>He also ruined my life in our home, since he had her here, and she saw my life in some shape or form. I think she envied my life, and wanted to destroy it, via H and her affair.<p>The length of the affair definately hurts.<p>And Tina, I think your H needs to understand that you still have lots of feelings about A and OC-and that still exists. He did the damage, he has to acknowledge it.ANd he doesn't control the visits if he wants to stay married to you-tell him that.